Characters:
         ERIC
         JOSEPHINE
 

ERIC: Last night I stole six signs.
JOSEPHINE: Six?
ERIC: Yeah. I stole a yield sign at the interesection by the theatre. Also two no parking
         signs, and, uh, an “S” from those words on the sign at VSS? No, wait, it wasn’t an
         “S,” what am I talking about, it was an “L.”
JOSEPHINE: That’s only four.
ERIC: Was it? Oh, I guess I must have mis-counted.
JOSEPHINE: Hey, did I tell you? Andy stole me an exit sign! Oh, wow ...that would
         make a snappy song title ... Andy Stole Me an Exit Sign ...
ERIC: Get out!
JOSEPHINE: No, really!
ERIC: Where?
JOSEPHINE: From the Wilson dorm at U Vic.
ERIC: I thought you already had an exit sign, that you stole from the drama room.
JOSEPHINE: Oh, um, yes, now I have two exit signs. Also I have a handicapped parking
         sign.
ERIC: You sure do have a lot of signs.
JOSEPHINE: Yes, I do. There are only three things it’s okay to steal -- signs, hair clips,
         and pens.
ERIC: But not stop signs.
JOSEPHINE: What?
ERIC: Not stop signs.
JOSEPHINE: Why not stop signs?
ERIC: Well, there were these kids ... I think from ... Saskatchewan? No, maybe it was ...
         Vernon. Anyway, they stole this stop sign and this guy went right through the
         intersection, without stopping, right, cuz he didn’t know, and it turns out he HITS
         this other car, and all the people die. And they find the kids who stole the sign, and
         they like, charge them with maslaughter. Got eight years.
JOSEPHINE: They shouldn’t have gotten eight years. Still, if I was the kids who stole the
         sign, I would feel pretty bad.
ERIC: Yeah, no doubt.
JOSEPHINE: So that’s why you’ve never stolen a stop sign?
ERIC: Yeah. Some things are just, you know, wrong.
JOSEPHINE: Well, no.
ERIC: What?
JOSEPHINE: Well .... What if you were to make a cardboard stop sign, and put it in the
         place of the one you stole? Then they would see the fake one and they’d still stop,
         it would be just as good, unless it rained, in which case it would be confusing. I
         mean, hello, there’s this wet cardboard on top of a pole.
ERIC: I never really thought of it that way before.
JOSEPHINE: Yeah. Sometimes people just don’t deserve stop signs, if they’re going to
         be driving right through without stopping anyway.
ERIC: What?
JOSEPHINE: I was thinking the same thing.
ERIC: I’ve always wanted to steal one of those signs in the parking lot outside the police
         station, you know, the ones that say “Reserved Parking For Cops?”
JOSEPHINE: Hey, yeah. That would be almost like a trophee.
ERIC: Yeah, a trophee, exactly. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to display it ... I’d like
         have to hang it up in the back of my closet, behind all my clothes.
JOSEPHINE: It would be hard to steal a sign right out from the parking lot at the police
         station.
ERIC: Yeah. Bound to be a lot of cops around.
JOSEPHINE: It would be next to impossible.
ERIC: I know, you’d have to like, get a bomb, and set it off nearby, and then all the
         cops would be like, “What was that bomb noise?” and they’d all run over to check,
         and you could run in and grab the sign. You’d need a screwdriver, though. I think
         they screw them onto the cement.
JOSEPHINE: It’s easy enough to get screwdrivers.
ERIC: Well yeah. So all you’d need is like, a screwdriver and a bomb.
JOSEPHINE: And like a cell phone so you could call in about the bomb, in case they
         didn’t hear it.
ERIC: Or a quarter. We could use a payphone.
JOSEPHINE: That would probably work. As long as the bomb was in the right place.
         Like if it was at the National Hotel or something, it probably wouldn’t work as
         well.
ERIC: Yeah, exactly. I mean, imagine setting a bomb in the National? The cops would
         be like, “If it blows up, it’s okay, and if not, well that’s okay too.”
JOSEPHINE: I know, they probably wouldn’t care.
ERIC: They’d send like, one cop over, in an un-marked car, and he wouldn’t care either.
JOSEPHINE: You’d have to set the bomb up in a more important place.
ERIC: Yeah. Like maybe .... That place where the Vernon Vipers go to play hockey.
JOSEPHINE: Yeah, the Civic Arena! That would be so perfect! Everyone would be there
         watching the game, and then the bomb would go off, so of course the police would
         have to come like right away.
ERIC: Yeah. Or we could have it go off in Boston Pizza.
JOSEPHINE: Why Boston Pizza?
ERIC: Well, that’s where they all go after the game. They go and eat pizza at Boston
         Pizza.
JOSEPHINE: How do you know?
ERIC: Well, they’re always saying it on the radio. Like, “And now, after the Viper’s
         game, here we are live at Boston Pizza ...”
JOSEPHINE: Oh.
ERIC: So that’s where we’d put it.
JOSEPHINE: Okay. Boston Pizza, I know a guy who works there, we can get him to put
         it in one of the ovens or something like that, make it blow up faster maybe.
ERIC: Cool. I’m quitting my job, by the way.
JOSEPHINE: How come?
ERIC: I don’t know. I kind of hated it.
JOSEPHINE: Oh.
ERIC: So I’m giving them my notice. I think a week is about enough notice, don’t you?
JOSEPHINE: Yeah, a week sounds about good.
ERIC: Of course, my step-dad got me the job there so I have to be nice about it.
JOSEPHINE: Nothing wrong with being nice.
ERIC: Yeah, that’s what he was saying.
JOSEPHINE: I mean, there’s never going to be a shortage of nice people, so you may as
         well be nice while it’s still legal.
ERIC: Thanks for the advice.
JOSEPHINE: Hey, no problem. It’s just that there’s a lot of assholes out there.
ERIC: Tell me about it.
JOSEPHINE: And if you find that you have it in you not to be one, then you’re pretty
         much set for life and you can have anything you want.
ERIC: Except stop signs.
JOSEPHINE: Well, I don’t know. You could get a job at a stop sign factory and maybe
         steal one before they set it up.
ERIC: Yeah ... Before it causes any damage.
JOSEPHINE: Yeah. The trick is to stop these things before they become problems.
ERIC: Maybe I should try to get a job at one of them factories right after I’m done
         quitting this one.
JOSEPHINE: Yeah, you should Eric.
ERIC: Okay. It’s just that --
JOSEPHINE: What?
ERIC: What if I hate this one too?
JOSEPHINE: You could quit it after you’d stolen the sign.
ERIC: Oh. Yeah.