Part 5

Meanwhile, Rollie was frustrated at his inability to contact Angie. To stop him from worrying about her, he decided to go outside and play basketball for a while. He played a hard, abusive game designed to capture all of his attention. He pounded away on the ball so hard, he was surprised it didn’t deflate. He kept thinking "Why, Angie? Why? Why? Why?" This motivated him to keep playing until he was so tired he couldn’t see straight. Hours later, after the sun had set and with sweat pouring off him, he tripped over his own feet and ended up sprawled onto the pavement. He lay there and cried his first tears since Angie had rejected him. Why? He kept crying until his tears ran out. Spent, he half walked, half crawled inside and collapsed onto his bed. As his head hit the pillow, he realized that his crying jag had had a cleansing and cathartic effect on him. He had finally accepted the fact she said no. Only Angie knew why she said that. He didn’t want to coerce her to change her mind, if she wanted to say yes, that would have to be her decision. But he wanted to understand her decision, for his own piece of mind. Tomorrow, he’d go over to her place and wouldn’t leave until they talked.

****

Several blocks away, Angie was curled up in a corner of the sofa. Only this time, she wasn’t crying. She’d cried enough to last her a lifetime. Rather, she was thinking, and being honest with herself about her feelings and desires. She felt exonerated after her counseling session. As a result, she knew it was time to take control of her life. Stop letting others, and her own fears, dominate. Her happiness and her future were with Rollie, she knew that. Somehow, she’d have to go after it. Tomorrow, she’d go after it.

She covered her ears with her stereo headphones and switched on the radio. She wasn’t particularly interested in listening to music, however, she wanted to drowned out all those negative, doubtful thoughts. If she could stop thinking for the remainder of the night, she’d be OK. Thinking too much had always been a weakness of hers. If she thought, she might change her mind, even though she didn’t want too. So the best answer was to avoid thinking. Angie reached out and cranked up the volume until it was so loud it interfered with her thought process. Good, she though as she let the music take over. She couldn’t identify the song blaring in her ears but she listened to the lyrics. Somewhere - there's a place for you / I know that you believe it too / sometimes if you wanna get away / all ya gotta know is what we got is here to stay / all the way / On a day like today - the whole world could change / the sun's gonna shine - shine thru the rain / on a day like today - no one complains / free to be pure - free to be sane / on a day like today / ya never wanna see the sun go down / ya never wanna see the sun go down / Free is all we gotta be / dream dreams no one else can see / but ya never know what might be comin' for you and me / ya it's gonna be / on a day like today.. Having that song play seemed like a good omen. If you believe, there is a place for you. Even if she needs some time to herself, it’s OK as long as she’s honest and upfront about it. Feeling marginally better, she fell asleep.

****

The next morning, Angie awoke early and felt good, more confident, and happier, as she knew what she had to do. Quickly, she took a shower and got dressed. She was too nervous to eat anything. Grabbing a jacket, she went outside and proceeded to walk the few blocks between her home and Rollie’s. When she arrived at the loft, it was engulfed in darkness. That’s odd, she thought. Usually Rollie’s a very early riser. Cautiously, she let herself into the loft. Looking around, she didn’t see Rollie anywhere. He must be asleep, she thought. That’s not like him. She looked at her watch and saw it was only five in the morning. Not wanting to disturb him at that early hour, Angie sat on the closest chair to wait. It was almost ninety minutes later before she heard him stirring upstairs. Ninety long minutes. Several times she had stood up and tried to leave, but as she reached for the doorknob, she couldn’t do it. Avoiding the issue wouldn’t make it go away. Finally, she heard the bedroom door open and close and saw him on the upper landing.

"Morning," she said quietly and unusually somber, as she was still a little unsure of herself and Rollie’s reaction. She had moved so she leaned against a table, watching him come down the stairs. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His skin had an unhealthy pallor, and his eyes were bloodshot.

Stunned, Rollie finished descending the stairs but didn’t go closer. He rubbed his eyes, not sure if she was real. Was this a dream? Is that really Angie or a figment of his imagination? Was he seeing her just because he wanted to? He blinked, hard. When his eyes opened, she still stood there, she must be real. He remained where he stood, still holding on to the railing, afraid he’d collapse otherwise.

Nervously, Angie ran her fingers through her blonde hair. There was a dichotomy inside her. She knew he would understand but she still worried he wouldn’t. She had caused him great pain, could he forgive her? Rollie wondered what was she going to say. He wished she would just say it. The anticipation was killing him, so was having her so close to him, yet so distant. At long last, she took a deep breath, and started to explain herself.

"Rollie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run out like that. It’s just that…" She paused momentarily, searching for the right words. She looked up, right into his face, and saw that he was about to say something.

"Please, don’t say until thing until I’m finished." Rollie closed his mouth and sat back, ready to listen. Angie opened her mouth, then closed it again without saying anything. Those words weren’t quite right. Then she realized the words didn’t matter, the feelings, emotions and meanings behind them did. That look some of the pressure of the situation off her. She started to let everything she wanted to say spill out of her.

"It’s just that I was shocked and scared. I had no idea you were going to propose. You could have warned me. Anyway, I didn’t think you should be stuck with someone like me. I almost killed you. I couldn’t tell you and HIM apart. Even now, I know you’re you but I still see him sometimes. I felt guilty over Annie’s death. I thought you deserved someone better. Yesterday, I saw someone though, a counselor. Instead of trying to convince me I shouldn't be feeling this way, she listened to my feelings and said it was OK to feel that way. That helped, I needed that. Everyone else tried to convince me to forget it, that I shouldn’t feel that way, but I couldn’t help it. I DID feel that way. She helped me deal with some of these feelings. I’m gonna keep seeing her for a while." She feel silent. After a long silence, Rollie assumed she had finished and offered to attend some of the sessions with her.

She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked up at him. "I'd like that. I don't want anymore secrets between us." Her eyes shone bright with moisture and love. He knew his eyes would be the same. He searched her eyes, seeking answers to some of the questions that have plagued him since she walked out. Do you want me to ask again? Now? Or ever? Gracefully, she walked over to him. Automatically, he reached out and engulfed her with his arms. She closed her eyes, and shook her head. He puzzled at that. Had he spoken those questions outloud? Was she turning him down again? Then Angie pulled back a little, rose on her toes, keeping her arms loosely wrapped around him and whispered in his ear, "if the offer still stands, yes, I'll marry you."

****

Several months later, on his way home from another movie set, Rollie was busy thinking of his upcoming wedding. Him and Angie were getting married in two weeks, and seeing how this picture wrapped in two days, they were then going to take a long, leisurely honeymoon. After all, their next project didn't start filming until a month later. As a result of his preoccupation, he wasn't paying close attention to his surroundings. He parked the van outside and got out, walking towards the door. He was just a few feet away from his destination when he was forcibly spun around and pushed into a wall. He felt something hard and round poking into the small of his back. A loud, authoritative voice boomed out, "Don’t move!"