Part 3

Angie didn’t just walk away from the workshop, she ran. This was all too much for her. She was shocked; she hadn’t expected this. He didn’t hint at this, at all. They had never even talked about marriage. Why did he propose out of the blue like this? How could he do this to her?

Without regard for where she going, she kept going forward into the night. She just kept moving without a specific destination in mind. When she approached an intersection, she crossed the road if she had a walk signal. If she didn’t, she turned the corner and kept going. It was as if stopping was the enemy. If she stopped, she would think, and that was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

Angie wandered around New York City for hours, not ready to go home or to the loft in case Rollie was waiting for her. What would she say?

She lost count of how many blocks she traveled. She also didn’t know how many strange looks people gave her. She supposed she looked horrible. She knew her eyes were puffy from crying. Her clothes were stained from something they used on the set earlier.

Eventually, it sank in that she was shivering. She looked down at her bare arms and remembered she left her jacket behind. The muscles in her legs were complaining as well. Looking around, she saw several familiar sites. Her apartment was just a few blocks away. She should go home, drifting around the city wasn’t going to solve anything. If Rollie were there, waiting for her, she’d just have to deal with him.

Without incident, she made her way into her apartment. Rollie wasn’t there. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. Yes, she wasn’t ready to deal with him but at the same time… It would show he was willing to fight for their future. It was convoluted reasoning, but in her emotional state, it made sense.

Once inside, Angie paced around the apartment, unable to remain still. It was only after the person on the floor below her complained that she sat on the couch. She sat in the corner and drew her knees in tight. She rested her head on her knees, turning her into a little ball. Then the tears returned in full. Her sobs racked her entire body. She could feel herself shake with the force of them. Rollie's proposal played in her head like a moviola – a never-ending loop of pictures that started with him on one knee in front of her and played through until she ran out. Then it started again.

She was a mass of insecurities and self-doubt. She didn’t consider herself worthy of Rollie's love. Every time she glimpsed Rollie's arm and the scar resulting from the bullet she fired at him that night so long ago. She wondered if she would ever be able to look at it without feeling guilty. How could he love someone who couldn't tell the difference between him and Loubar? What sort of person was hated as much as Annie claimed to hate her? Not a good, decent person. That’s for sure. She was so confused, she didn’t know what she wanted.

Chiops, her cat, sensing something was wrong, padded over to where his master sat. Delicately, he hopped up and made himself at home on her lap. By reflex, Angie started stroking the luxurious fur of her pet. Comforted by his purring, at least that’s a constant, she thought. This is a nice uncomplicated relationship. He only wanted to food and to be petted occasionally. She wished all her relationships could be as simple.

Some time later, Mira knocked on Angie’s apartment door and called out to the distressed young woman, "Angie, it’s Mira." No response. Next, Mira pounded on the door. "Angie, I know you’re in there. I’m not leaving until you let me in." Silence. Mira started wondering if Angie was going to let her inside, or was she really not home. After pounding twice more, Mira turned to leave. She stopped when she heard the faint sound of a door unlocking. Mira gasped when she was Angie. This wasn’t the woman she knew. The Angie she knew was full of life, energetic, self-confident. This Angie was the opposite. She looked haggard and spent. Her eyes were red, puffy and lackluster. Her posture was lousy as she slumped forward, clinging onto the doorframe as if it was the only thing keeping her upright. She kept dabbing her nose with a tissue.

"Come in," Angie invited halfheartedly and returned to the couch. Mira closed the door behind her and stood in front of her.

"Are you OK? What happened?"
"Rollie asked me to marry him."
"Then what’s wrong? Shouldn’t you be happy?"

"You don’t understand." Angie hopped up, and crossed to the other side of the room. "I said no, I had to. I love him but he deserves better. He needs a real whole woman, not one that cringes as his touch half the time. Sometimes I feel like I would die to have him touch me, other times I would die if he DID touch me."

"Have you told him this?"

"No."

"Maybe you should."

"How? Just blurt out sometimes I find your touch repulsive? Or that sometimes, when I look at him, I don’t see him but I see HIM," she hissed. "Oh yeah, that’s nice. That’ll help us," she scoffed. "Not to mention the fact I tried to kill him. Every time I see that scar, I’m reminded of the fact I couldn’t tell the two of them apart. And I should have."

"That wasn’t your fault. No one could tell them apart. I know Rollie doesn’t hold you responsible. You’re the only one that blames yourself."

Angie sank down onto a chair, dejected, and just looked at the police detective.

"Maybe, if you won’t talk to Rollie, you should talk to someone else. Someone who can help you deal with all this. I know someone, a counselor, she’s good. She’d listen to you and, I think, she’d be able to help."

"I don’t know."

"Look, what have you got to lose? And think about all you have to gain. Someone who you love and who loves you. You don’t have to decide now, but I’ll leave her card, in case you want to." Mira rummaged through her case, extracted a business card, and laid it on the end table. "I’ll leave it here. I’ve got to go." She put a hand on the young woman’s shoulder, and asked "Are you sure you’re going to be alright? I could stay if you want."

"I’ll be fine. Thanks."

Down at street level, Mira paused. She was amazed that Angie turned Rollie down because she loves him. Angie’s willing to sacrifice her own happiness because she thinks Rollie deserves someone better. Should I have told her about Michael and me? That he thought I’d be better off without him, when nothing could be farther from the truth? That she shouldn’t make the same choice he did? She sighed wistfully, for something that could never be. She knew her love for her husband, her ex-husband she corrected, would burn eternal. Maybe, one day he’ll realize what they have together and return to her. Forcing herself to return the matter at hand, she acknowledged that telling Angie would serve no purpose. She’d have to make those decisions for herself, she’s the one who has to live with her choice. The things people do when they’re in love, she lamented, as she got in her vehicle and left for home.

****

Later, Angie returned to the couch. She sat motionless, with her head resting on a pillow, and watched the clock advance, indicating daylight and the time to confront Rollie was drawing near. How could she face him? Could they salvage their relationship? Could they still work together? She was relieved that they didn’t have appear on set for 4 days. That meant she had a few days to contemplate her future. Maybe by that time, she’d be able to face him. Finally, her exhausted body overrode her mind and she slept.