1. Tell me as much about yourself as you would like published (spouse, children, profession etc.)?
I am 30 years old and have been together with my partner for 5 years. Together we have one child and are hoping for another one. During the time that I was raised in the cult I gave birth to 2 daughters. My first born lived seven weeks before she went to Godís Garden. My other daugther grew up in the same cult as me. She is still in their hands and she doesn't know that I am her mother. Leaving her behind was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I have a Bachelors Degree in Social Work and have attended one semester for my Masters in Counseling.
I have done a lot of volunteer work in the domestic violence and sexual abuse area, but am currently a stay-at-home mother which I enjoy.
2. What event(s) led up to you deciding that the cult was not how you wanted to spend the rest of your life?
I think you can say that all the events that went on in the cult made me decide that I did not want to spend the rest of my life like that. I hated it. I grew up in a multi-generational cult. As a child I did not know any better, but when I realized that this was NOT a normal life, I was always hoping that one day I would either die or have the courage to leave. Leaving however was not that easy because the cult will not just let you go. I have seen the consequences when people tried to leave or flee the cult.
The reason that I did leave was because I found the safety and the help that I needed in my present partner. If it werenít for her I probably would still be in the cult. I did however leave everything I had behind and fled the country that I grew up in. I know that it is not safe for me to ever return to my homeland.
3. When you actually left the cult what did you do spiritually to prepare for a new life outside of it?
Spirituality was not my first concern. My first concern was my safety and therefor I did not prepare myself spiritual. I was very confused about my spirituality. I was told that I belonged to Satan. I thought of myself as evil and not worthy of Godís love. It took me about 3 years before I was able to accept that I did deserve Godís love and became a born again Christian.
4. Since Christ was never a part of your life in the beginning, who or what introduced you to Him?
I have always known about Him. I knew that if Satan exist, God must exist as well. My partner, who is raised independent fundamental Baptist, kept telling me that I too was important to God. She let me find Him in my own pace and prayed with me when I was ready to ask Him to live in my Heart. I know now that she has prayed for me from the day we met.
I also have had a lot of help from a minister. He opened his house for me and was there in my times of need. He is not as actively as a minister affiliated to a particular church but he has his own ministry and preaches around the country.
5. When we speak of healing, tell me what exactly does that mean to you in your situation?
Healing means to me accepting and being able to live a life without pain and suffering, no matter if the pain comes from memories or present acts. It means to be able to say ďok, it happened, but it is not happening anymore, it was not my fault and I am not ashamedĒ. I am still in my healing process, but one-day I hope to be able to say those words and mean them. From that day on I know that I will be able to help other survivors with their healing and to advocate against abuse. I still have a long journey to go in my healing to completely reach that goal.
6. Your web site is a big part of your healing process, what other things are you doing to speak out against and encourage spiritual healing?
My web site is my first and at this point my only way to advocate against SRA.
I have volunteered at an organization for survivors of sexual abuse. During this time I have made a lot of informative material and workshops.
I have also been preparing my own organization for survivors of ritual abuse and have prepared several speeches and workshops. I have not yet been able to act on my plans since it is my believe that I first have to overcome the issues that I still have before I will be able to give myself 100% in someone elseís healing. One day I hope to be able to speak out in public without fear and shame. Fear for what the cult will do to me when they find out that I did not keep my mouth shot and shame for the things that I have done and have not yet been able to forgive myself for. 7. What church do you attend now?
I am currently attending the United Church Of Christ. I choose this church since it is accepting my non-traditional life-style.
8. What role is it playing in your healing?
Not as much as I would like. Since I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) I have more parts. Some of these parts have not yet been saved. They still have a hard time accepting God in their lives, either out of fear or out of loyalty of the cult.
9. Why do you really think God allowed you to survive such an ordeal?
I donít think that God has allowed me to survive the cult. I believe that it has never been Godís idea that I would grow up like that. I now know that He has been with me during some of the terrible things that went on, but I really believe that it was not His path that I traveled. I do think that God wants me to make the best out of my life and the experiences from my past may be useful to help other survivors either flee from cults or help them in their healing after they have left a cult. For now He is allowing me to go through my healing process and I am sure that one day He will show me which direction He wants me to go.
10. Please add anything you would like to include about your healing that I didnít specifically ask?
As you can read, I am still traveling through my healing journey. I still have a long way to go. At this point in my life, however, I know that I will make it because I have my partner and the greatest help a person can get, Godís love.
I would like to share a couple of my poems I wrote about ritual abuse and healing:
ďA Child in the DarkĒ
A child in the dark
Candles give shadows
Same child in the dark
She must do some things
Still in the dark
Child runs away, she forgets her body
Body in the dark
In the body slips a child
Other child in the dark
Obeying ignoring the pain
When I look out through the window I see rain
When I look into my heart all I see is pain
My mind knows after rain there is sun
So I really hope that after pain comes fun
When I keep that thought in mind
I know that I am doing right
But the fight is hard
I hardly know where to start
So I ask to you my Lord
Please secure my cord
May I please be your friend
So you will take me by the hand
Help me with this fight, I canít do it on my own
As long as you are with me, I wonít feel alone
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