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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly - and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I have kleptomania; but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours
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