This is basically just a place for me to post up all the lyrics that I create in my warped little mind. Hope you like them.
Copyright 2003 Julia Colbeck
The Fear Within Me
[with silence you were safer, and I could keep you at bay, but with words I was broken, and made to feel something :: blood of acrylic, you’ll never see, my fears burn, like a knife to my throat :: simple beats that play with my mind, fingertips like feathers, inhibitions coat my skin, when it comes to you :: I have looked at you, for too long, and held back as tides rush in :: I am vulnerable, and nervous as hell, chills from you, and I can’t stand this much longer :: too afraid to put myself out there again, and I can’t believe in this, fairy tales are for children, and I grew up a long time ago :: pillows like cotton candy, I drift off once again, and dreams taunt me, like playground games :: can we just swing for a while, so I can pretend this would be real?]
[and I’ve never had to wait for, when sweet dreaming ends, with mindless hellos, and heartless goodbyes]
Missing U-Turn
[barely a day since you left footprints on me, 70 MPH in the wrong direction, from soft goodbyes, my broken record of misinterpretation. Hellos are lies, so say your goodbyes again, and if you’ll never look dead in my eyes, I’ll know it means I never should have tried. Missing since Friday, leaving me with words to choke on. A pain obtained by forward actions, that’ll never replace the beautiful silence. So turn back around, please don't run from me. Please don't run...]
Another Wrong Move
[chances to breathe torn apart with no chances for love, misstep in the wrong direction and forever be alone, the rain falls softly onto lonely lips, fading away into broken concrete :: her stars are a beautiful mistake, a casual catastrophe of a shattered heart. Left in ruins amid songs and photographs, she stares into the mirror and begs for a new escape]
The Unattainable
[reaching towards the unattainable goal, ever higher yet out of reach :: wanting to be wanted, left alone to raze into ashes :: scarred by insincerity, bruised by deceit time and again :: never feeling worth, never more than ordinary, extraordinary out of reach]
Suffocation Intensified
[breathing was easier when your hands were off my throat, when you held my hands and not my neck :: hurting me seems to be a pleasured past time, a recreational drug that keeps you on your feet :: if I wasn’t so easy to damage would you even speak to me at all? Would I even want you to? :: bruises and bandages … ]
When It Hurts Too Much
[head in my hands, I’m looking down. Nothing more than a ruined spirit, tainted and dejected. A stuffed toy deprived of its owner, missing an eye, an ear, and left alone in a dusty chest. Scars that are hidden from view, but written on a lonely face, black print on white paper]
The Pony Express Delivers
[I’m so sick of falling asleep alone, all I want is to drift off across from your eyes, and know the in the morning, you’ll still be there. Kissing me awake like a fairytale, and knowing that it isn’t all a dream :: I want to lay under the sky with you and count the stars, listening to fireworks, and not noticing the breeze. And to feel your arms around me as the wind died down, would be ecstasy minus pills.]
As The Pain Rises
[making myself believe, in things never real, fantasies in the form of green eyes :: never the choice, but the available one, getting you back on your feet so I can be tossed aside :: it’s easier to throw me aside from a standing position, so let me help you back on your feet, I love to hurt myself this way, I love to hurt myself over and over again :: trying hard to fight, feelings from rain drenched kisses, looking for an out from what I do to myself :: I told myself I wouldn’t do this, I told myself I wouldn’t start to fall… too late :: it’s easier to throw me aside from a standing position, so let me help you back on your feet, I love to hurt myself this way, I love to hurt myself over and over again :: nothing to say, nothing to do, leave me here, just leave me here with memories of kisses never real, they were never real]
More Things I Could Never Do
[don’t ask me again to put myself out on this limb, and give away my heart, it’s too damaged, and there’s nothing more I can do :: you’re something I couldn’t stand to ruin, but the more you’re here, the easier it is :: I can’t do this again, don’t ask me to, don’t ask me to break your heart, the last time was my last time, for feeling anything :: I’ve become numb to feeling this, or at least I thought I was, stop looking at me that way when I can’t do anything about it, I can’t do anything :: I can’t do this again, don’t ask me to, don’t ask me to break your heart, please don’t ask me to, don’t ask]
Easy for You
[ignore is such an ugly word, but you make it beautiful, with the way you turn your back to me, the cold shoulder never felt so warm :: I love the back of your head, the side of you I see the most, pretending I don't exist comes so easily to you :: the distance between us get farther every step you take away from me, kisses that used to mean the world to you, are now nothing more than a hated memory you try to push away, you push it all away :: never again is easy enough for you to tell me, but to accept is to deny these feelings left deep within me :: kisses that used to mean the world to you are now nothing more than a hated memory you try to push away, you push it all away :: I hate this, I hate this, you never cared, fuck you, fuck you too]
The Best Part of the Sky
this is my little ode to all the people who matter most in my life... you know who you are...
[I’m hoping you realize all you mean, the stars are up there just for you, and they shine brighter when you are around :: there’s no way to ever let you know, your dreams die off but there is always something more for you behind door number 2 :: live your moments like there’s nothing else, and I’ll be there to catch you if you ever start to fall, know that I’ll always be there :: when your sky starts to tumble in around you, I’ll help you rebuild the pieces into the palace where you have always belonged :: your song is the most beautiful thing to hear, so never stop singing, and I’ll be your back-up whenever I am needed :: live your moments like there’s nothing else, and I’ll be there to catch you if you ever start to fall, know that I’ll always be there, I will always be there for you :: you are the sunrise and the sky has never looked better…]
Lying to Myself
[cruising along, 80 in a 55, trying to make the wind clear my head, it’s just another day, insecurities and fears just like yesterday, letting the tears fall freely this time :: whenever I come back, the faces change, I pass through on my way to other things, the road holds what I’m needing, the loneliest nightfall I’ve ever felt :: it’s nothing serious, and I’ll be fine, there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong, and I will be okay, I will be fine, and nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong :: writing to try and make the pain disappear, singing as if that will cause it to evaporate into the thin I can no longer breathe in :: if I can’t make this go away, what makes you think you’re different? No one can make it go away, I live with this everyday, looking for that fairy tale ending, but Prince Charming wears a mask, a fallacy that breathes sweet nothings into willing ears, falling for the lies over and over again :: it’s nothing serious, and I will be fine, there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong, and I will be okay, I will be fine, and nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong :: I fall asleep on cold pillows, holding onto myself in attempts to feel something, anything at all, every ‘I love you’ is another lie, so I block my ears to what I don’t want to hear, but you can say it again :: it’s nothing serious, and I will be fine, there’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing wrong, and I will be okay, I will be fine, and nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong]
Away Messege
[you are vapor if you’re lucky, but more than often nothing, what I saw in you was nothing more than smoke and mirrors :: now the smoke has cleared and I see the true vision of you, transparent as glass with the intelligence to match ::
you say your heart is filled with nothing, and I’ve seen it all firsthand, the victim is a role you never played, you’ve played everyone else instead]
Dial Tones
[I hate waiting, yet I spend my time watching the minutes go by in a blurred haze, waiting for your call :: the phone remains silent, a deafening clue as to the importance placed on me, there is none :: holding on to empty promises, floating in a bottle of recycled air and dust, I drink till my head is full, and everything else is gone :: makes me wonder how much you care, even though deep down, I’m sure you do, but you’re always the unreliable one :: waiting for something that gets me nowhere, I’m never anywhere]
Forensic Footsteps
[I follow you slowly down the hall, and out the back door to the porch, where you get that look in your sky clear eyes :: my hands close over your mouth, a sad attempt to stop the words that I can’t bear to hear :: every “I love you” is another lie, pouring from your mouth like acrid air, I’ll never believe that again]
Written In Red Ink
[eyes shining with the power of a thousand stars, you say the mirror shows you nothing, a smile to light all New York’s streetlamps, you say your world is dark and cold :: a laugh that fills the room with happiness, you tell me you can’t feel anything, a million “I love you’s” ring in your ears, and you tell me goodbye :: there’s a spark in the deepest part of you, someday you’ll find it, and when you do, it ignites in a blaze, all the beauty, you’re so beautiful, will ignite in a blaze of light, so beautiful]
My Summer Solstice
[equidistant between light and dark, mind-numbing speeches, and my turn for the worse, a choice I was not part of, a comatose state the longer I sleep, turning off my own machines, with a simple flick of the wrist, the still bleeds, from my self-inflicted release, hands blood drenched to match, the ink of my pen, as I search for a way out, from all I have become, been called in my past, built with bricks made, from broken promises given, after black mascara rivers, run their course, and dry as tracks, dark and forbidding, leading into the darkest forest, of fear and insecurities, the light from the longest day, never reaches eyes, burnt from years of tears, never wiped away]
Asphyxiation At Love's Hands
[every moment I’m awake, is more loneliness to bear, and the thoughts running through my head, sound like a wrecked train, colliding with concrete :: laying facedown on the floor, blood seeping from the gaping hole where my heart used to be, and looking at your face, as you turn and walk away :: buried alive under years of regrets and imperfections, numb me to feeling this loneliness that covers me like dirt, scratching at the surface of this tomb, and suffocating on hurtful words like cellophane wrapping :: I choke on everything I lack, and you stand by watching me slowly die :: looking down, a million feet for falling, too close to the edge, and I dive]
You Can't Look Behind You (It's Bad Luck)
[something's missing in me, everytime you've gone away, but there's nothing i can do, and not a way to make you stay :: if I told you that I loved you, would you really leave forever? would it matter that I miss you? or would you just tell me goodbye? :: put your arms around my waist, hold me close before you leave, and I'll pretend my heart's not breaking, as you slowly drive away :: and I'm sitting back, watching minutes as they pass by, the calendar marks the days, since you left me behind :: put your arms around my waist, hold me close before you leave, and I'll pretend my heart's not breaking, as you slowly drive away :: I can fell you here on my pillow, I'll still kiss you in my dreams, and I'll forget my heart is breaking, I'll pretend you didn't leave, I'll pretend you didn't leave]
13 Miles Southwest of Buenos Aries
[harsh metal that drags imperfect lines to bring feeling into an imperfect life, but numbness has spread and not even the blood that pours from my veins can breathe new life into this soul :: a little scratch here and a line over there, does it even make a difference? Do they feel this kind of pain in South America? Let’s find out :: the train whistle blows, low and long, signaling my escape, smoke that blows southward, taking me home :: between loneliness and knowing I’ll never fall in love, there’s a boxcar destined for parts unknown :: the equator is the starting line and the tracks are my shoes, do I need anything else? There’s nothing left for me to take, you’ve taken everything from me :: I long to leave, hop the express and never return, I never want to come back here :: the train whistle blows, low and long, signaling my escape, smoke that blows southward, taking me home, please just take me home, I want to go home]
The Infinite Dreamer
[I sit here and listen to the most amazing songs, the ones that fit my life, and cause me to cry rivulets of hot pink tears :: ‘cause you’re the one I’ve wanted all along, the one who makes me smile, get mad, and cry all at once, and it’s something I can’t have :: you’re the one who reminded me what life was, you’re the one I have longed for in my dreams, and you’re the one I could never have :: I wish I could ask you to be there when I woke in the mornings, or to hold me when I cry, but every time I think I actually might, I remember who I am :: I’m a nothing in the crowd, singing along to all of your words, and you never see me, you never see me :: you’re the one who reminded me what life was, you’re the one I have longed for in my dreams, and you’re the one I could never have]
Futile Attempts at Explanation
[I don’t own the words to explain my heart to you, the justification hides from my mouth, a clichéd eternity, the epitome of fear, as I pray for a calloused nature :: impossibilities miles out of reach, burning galaxies away from sitting next to you :: if there was a way for me to explain, don’t you think I would have found it by now? I made my attempts, only to be shot down by ambiguous gunfire, I wish that I could give up, throw it all under the rug, but words released from bottles can never die away :: wishing I had never said a word, because words spoken tell the truths of the heart, feelings pushed aside by mountains worth of insecurities, finally released, bottle induced :: if there was a way for me to explain, don’t you think I would have found it by now? this is my conspiracy unmasked, all my darkest secrets revealed, this is my conspiracy unmasked, do you understand?]
Revelation 27 1/2
[I’m crawling back to bed, and my body feels the lingering sensation of you sitting next to me, this says something about familiarity that I can be so close to you, and bear my soul to your honest eyes, and I couldn’t be more content :: they say it shows in the way you look at me, and how you hang on every word, but I don’t see that, I see you looking at me like I could be anyone else but me, I only happen to be the one there at the time, where my hopeful words fall on deaf ears, over and over again :: running away seems my best bet, as I try to free myself from this constant aching, leaving me here in a barren place where I don’t have to feel this so strong, let me stop feeling :: it’s been far too long since I’ve dealt with heartache so strong it threatens to consume me, and I think it just may take me over, if I don’t abandon it fast :: all my nights are spent thinking of our what ifs and maybes, but I just can’t help myself, I can’t stop my heart from wishful thinking, it always gets the best of me :: running away seems my best bet, as I try to free myself from this constant aching, leaving me here in a barren place where I don’t have to feel this so strong, let me stop feeling, please just let me fall asleep, and wake up to see it was all a dream, let it be my dream]
Dealing
[time to face a day of black mourning, tragedy after laughter, and I can’t help but smile for what once was :: tell a joke to make the hurting fade, the reality of my heart hides behind a cracked smile, and there’s another truth deceived :: a moment’s passed, and in a moment they’re gone, for time beyond what I can comprehend, you are gone :: there are so many things I wish you were here to see, and so many emotions I wish we could share :: I’m left here trying to deal with the loss of you, forever gone in a flash of time, leaving me here to nurse my open wounds alone :: a moment’s passed, and in a moment they’re gone, for time beyond what I can comprehend, you are gone]
What Never Gets Said
[this blank sheet of paper is cold, but it burns my fingers all the same, as I try to write out my insides, my blood that starts falling on paper :: you say you understand, but you just can't understand, how words and suggestions tear apart my fragile security, and leave me ripped to shreds :: this is a promise of the last time I leave thoughts out in the open, because they work like a fine acid, slowly burning through these walls I've built up to save myself from everything, but I'm not the one to be saved this time, this time it's not for me :: my scenery stands still, but the lights fly by in my perception, where the shadows stream by in technicolor blacks and grays, and I am left thinking of this mass destruction :: this is a fever, a burning cold, a sacred fight, internal as my fears, but this time it's not for me :: this is a promise of the last time I leave thoughts out in the open, because they work like a fine acid, slowly burning through these walls I've built up to save myself from everything, but I'm not the one to be saved this time, this time it's not for me, it's not about me]
This Is To Oblivion
[the words you spoke, alone with pillows, and i remember everything, the lies you told, with a ruined tongue, and still i believed, but now it all seems so artificial, white powder engages affection, otherwise avoided without, your endless inebriation, i said I can't be perfect, and you hate all my pain, but you'd be there anyway, yet where are you now?, off to another show, another line of blow, but as for me, I'm reaching oblivion, where everything is mirror's reflection, straws and smoke, and now i'm the one, alone with pillows, telling myself the lies, wishing you had never touched my life, better to have loved and lost, but once you've been there, you know what's really better, and being alone is my only answer, it's the only answer left.]
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