<> You may have noticed that whenever BASS refers to their friend and bandmate (yes she's in the band also) Jabe we often use the term "LOTR." Now, for those of you who are not die-hard BASS groupies but simply fans, there may be some confusion about the meaning of "LOTR." Thankfully BASS in all their amazing-ness has made this webpage for an informational resource for all the ignorant but curious out there who simply yearn to know more about their favorite band. WARNING:SOME OF THE IMAGES SEEN ON THIS SITE MAY BE DISTURBING AND ARE NOT INTENDED FOR YOUNGER VIEWERS, HEART PATIENTS, OR PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST REALLY, PATHETICALLY WEAK. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK... -"LOTR"-
<>Section 1: What is LOTR?
-Case Profile: Jabe-
Jabe first started showing symptoms a year after the first Lord of the Rings came out. The first time she snatched something back from us and whispered "my precioussss" we laughed it off. But as the year progressed Jabe tragically became consumed by her dramatizations of L.O.T.R. to the point where even Gramenwi (the princess of drama) was no longer enjoying them. The other three members of BASS were at a loss for what to do. One day Jabe went totally LOTR on the tourbus. The band was tired after a brilliant performance and we just couldn't deal with the high-pitched gollum-like screams anymore, so in an act of desperation (some may call it over reacting) Caco instructed her body guard Javier to jam Jabe into a cardboard box. This ingenious decision worked out for the better as Jabe eventually calmed down. To this day the band continues their ongoing stuggle with Jabe's LOTRness and are in a desperate search for a cure.
<>Section 2: What can be done?
-Restraints and Sedatives-
-Jabe's Box- If you know anything about the band, you know that wherever BASS goes, they carry a big cardboard box with them. As I explained in Sec. 1, the box is used to restrain Jabe, until she returns to normal. Whether it is the darkness or the lack of oxygen that calms her down we will never know but hey, it works! Now some may call this cruel however BASS agrees that it is a necessary safety precaution (plus the cardboard is excellent at absorbing her LOTRish cries). Yet still there are skeptics, so we asked Jabe to ummmm... draw her box: Yes even Jabe loves this box.... -LOTR spray- Man, what a life saver! From the makers of "Skank Away" comes LOTR spray! All it take is a little squirt and no one gets hurt!
-tranquilizers-
For severe LOTR attacks, Vasi always equips her body gaurd Karl with these tranquilizer darts, which usually take care of Jabe on her LOTRest days for a couple of hours. Just like there are handbooks on how to avoid bear attacks, this is BASS's handbook on how to avoid LOTR attacks. Believe it or not Jabe is amazingly cool, deep, beatnik, and grunge when she is not going LOTR and being on the road for months at a time has taught BASS how to best avoid an attack
-A few do's and don't of gift giving-
Lets start with the do's. Jabe often enjoys: A novelty talking BASS is always a good idea as well as a lame attempt at irony A new Bad Ass keyboard is a can't go wrong gift that will always put you on Jabe's good side
Now lets get to the important part. ABSOLUTLY DO NOT EVER NEVER SEND JABE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: Yeah...this ones kind of self explanitory. Caco thought it would be funny. Unfortunately due to the bands momentary slip in judgement, Jabe had to stay in her box for 4 days... A date with this guy as a joke got Vasi a black eye for a week, as Jabe lashed out with Gollum-like speed before Chief How had a chance to curse her. Perhaps a guitar made out of a rifle wasn't the bes xmas present we ever gave Jabe... thank Kish it wasn't loaded! There's a story behind this classic gift that would've been funny if Jabe hadn't left the band for a week as a result. When Jabe was doing an interview for BBC one night, the rest of BASS hired an artist to paint this $50,000 mural on Jabe's bedroom wall. Bad idea. When Jabe got back she went so LOTR she tore apart her own house! Apparently she didn't want to wake up to the mysteries of the final frontier every morning.
-approachable? or no?-
Are you wondering how to tell whether it is safe to approach someone who is chronically LOTR. Well, just like any disease there are good days and bad days and now, thanks to BASS you can tell the difference yourself. Ex1) As you can see, Caco (in all her wisdom) sensed how harmless Jabe was at this moment and shows no fear, while Vasi remains a little hesitant. This picture shows how friendly and awesome LOTR people can be when they are not, well, going LOTR! Ex2) This is a prime example of when NOT to approach a LOTR individual. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DOES THIS LOOK WARRENT A CONVERSATION! This time Caco was not so brilliant and decided to ask her for a picture.... BAD IDEA!! Jabe lunged at Caco too fast for Bo to grab the box. Even Mr. Why couldn't stop the Jabmister this time!
As you can see the difference is pretty clear cut between these two examples. As a warning however LOTRness is extremely unpredictable and the moods of the aflicted can dramatically change in a few seconds, leting the LOTRish tendencies back in full swing.
Ex3) Note that Jabe's mood completely changed in a few seconds as a result of the frustration that arose when Caco took more than one minute to snap a picture...
As you can see, if you use your best judgement, an attack is usually avoidable, however if you are a Jabe fanatic, absolutely by no means confront her alone and without the advice of a seasoned LOTRologist (a LOTR doctor). You could be exposing yourself to a LOTR attack. Just follow the rules above and consider yourself LOTR free and easy!
<>Section 3: What not to do
