50 Fun Things to do in a Mall
1. Ride
mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting
pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they
make your butt
look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration
phones in Radio Shlock.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer
to consume its
now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream
"MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music
store whether inflated CD
prices are in
pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary
that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger
Queen...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks.
Tell people that they're
"astronaut
food".
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's
around while reading aloud from
Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War
I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and
insist that
it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a
strange look
and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool
department of Snears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and
pose as a fashion dummy in
clothes
departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist
if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a
surveillance camera for
an hour while
rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers
whether they,
too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any
tvs that play only in
Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing
Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware
department how well a particular
saw cuts
through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk
discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's
much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air
conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the
optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume
counter and spray *them*
with your own
bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at
the candy store, insisting
that you lost a
contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular
shade of panties matches the
color of your
beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a
singsong voice, "I see
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a
new pair of shoes, and
wander around
the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond
organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My
Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling
keyboards, and perform
gastric
versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore
which leading cold remedy will
"give you
a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports
whether they have "any giant
crap made out
of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs
in front of the fake fireplace
display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and
hand them out as religious
tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller,
and someone to push you
around in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
"Saved by the
scream if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the
furniture department
wearing a Navy
uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling
"scratch
one flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the
changing room attendant and
scornfully
announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video
games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion
noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror
bobbing your head up and
down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with
two-dollar bills to provoke
arguments over
whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to
sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones
that ring in department
stores and say
"Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store
while occasionally pausing to
scratch
yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on
your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and
demand to know "whether
they've seen
this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store.
Return fifteen minutes
later, fish it
out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't
turned blue yet.
