The Band Bible
Disclaimer
Thank you, thank you, thank you -- for
reading this. I just wanted to appologize profusely
to anyone who finds this page offensive. I am not trying to insult or make fun
of anyone's religion; on the contrary, I'm poking fun at band & myself. I
always go around saying band is my life... so what if band was life?
Anyway,
the whole idea of this disclaimer is just to let you know that I have no
intention of insulting anyone's religion, beliefs, or anything else; this is
just for fun. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.
It is infact, modeled after the bible because I've always wanted
to read the bible, and I thought this would be a good way to motivate myself.
Now
that we've gotten that taken care of...
I. Thou shall not have no other Gods before
the director.
II. Thou shall not make unto thee any graven noises or any sounds unlikeness to
the music that has come before thee, or that shall come after thee.
III. Thou shall not not take
the name of the band thy life in vain.
IV. Six days shall not thou labor, and do all thy practicing, but the seventh
day is the sabbath of the
band thy life: In it thou shalt have a concert.
V. Honor thy section leader and thy band director: That thy days many be long
in the band, which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
VI. Thou shall not hurt instruments.
VII*. Thou shall not commit to other activities.
VIII (I 8va). Thou shall not steal sheet music.
IX (II 8va). Thou shall not bear false witness against thy stand partner.
X (III 8va). Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s instrument; thou shall not
covet thy neighbor’s reed, or his ligature, or his mouthpiece, or anything that
is thy neighbor’s.
* The asterix was actually just to
replace the little degree like circle you put in superscript next to the Roman
numeral vii to indicate that it's a diminished chord.
God
created the director and the band.
Now the
band was empty and without sound, and darkness was over the faces of the
forlorn musicians, but the Spirit of God was moving over them. God said,
"Let there be music." And there was music! God saw that the music was
good, so God separated the music from the noise. God called the music
"wonderful" and the noise "annoying." There was an opening,
and a closing, marking the first movement.
God
said, “Let there be an expanse in the midst of the musicians and let it
separate woodwinds from brass. So God made the expanse and separated the brass
under the expanse from the woodwinds above them. It was so. God called the
expanse “concert arc.” There was an opening, and there was a closing, a second
movement.
God
said, “Let the musicians within the arc be gathered to separate places and let
separations appear.” It was so. God called the gathered groups “sections.” God
saw that it was good.
God
said, “Let the musicians produce instruments: sections wielding instruments
according to their kind, and instruments bearing sounds according to their
kind.” It was so. The band produced instruments—sections wielding instruments
according to their kind, and instruments bearing sounds according to their
kinds. God saw that it was good. There was an opening, and there was a closing,
a third movement.
God
said, “Let there be captains in the expanse of the band to separate the
woodwinds from the brass, and let them be signs to indicate style and pitch and
rhythm, and let them serve as lights in the expanse of the band to give help to
the musicians.” It was so. God made two great captains—the greater captain to
rule over the woodwinds (hey, I play clarinet) and the lesser captain to rule
over the brass. He made the section leaders also. God placed the captains and
sections leaders in the expanse of the band to help out the band, to preside
over the woodwinds and the brass, and to separate the good playing from the
bad. God saw that it was good. There was an opening, and there was a closing, a
fourth movement.
God
said, “Let the band swarm with swarms of low brass (*lol*) and let flutes and
clarinets fly above the brass foundation across the expanse of the band.” God
created the great low brass and every beautiful and horrid instrument with
which the band swarmed, according to their kinds. God saw that it was good. God
blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the musicians in the
band.” There was an opening, and there was a closing, a fifth movement.
God
said, “Let the band produce beautiful music according to their kinds:
symphonies, marches, and sonatas, each according to its kind.” It was so. God
made the symphonies according to their kinds, the marches according to their
kinds, and all the music forms around the world according to their kinds. God
saw that it was good.
Then
God said, “Let us make the director in our image, after our likeness, so they
may rule over the musicians of the band, over the instruments, and over the
entire band, and over all the music that moves the earth.”
God
created the director in his own image,
in the image of God he created them,
male and female he created them.
God
blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply! Fill the earth and
subdue it! Rule over the musicians of the band and all the music that moves the
earth. Then God said, “I now give you every music making instrument on the face
of the entire earth and musician that has instrument with wind in it. They will
be yours for torturing. And to all the musicians of the earth, and to every
instrument of the band, and to all the music that moves the earth—everything
that has the breath of music in it—I give every musician for torturing. It was
so.
God saw
all that he had made—and it was very good! There was an opening, and there was
a closing, the sixth movement.
The
musicians and the directors were completed with everything that was in them. By
the seventh movement God finished the work that he had been doing, and he put
in a French horn solo to fill the space. God blessed the French horn and made
it holy because it really didn't fit in and he needed a reason for placing it
there. He ceased all the work that he had been doing in creation, and the band
was complete.
The Creation of Director
and Baton
This is
the account of the director and the baton when they were created—when the Lord
God made the director and baton.
Now no
musician of the band had yet played in time, and no section of the band had yet
played together, for the Lord God had not caused them to keep time, and there
was no baton for them to watch. Section leaders would well up from the band to
keep their whole section in time, but alas, they could not agree as a whole on
one single tempo. The Lord God formed the baton from the plastics of the
underworld and breathed onto its tip the breath of focus, and the baton became
a focus point for the entire band.
The
Lord God planted a stand in the front, on Stage; and there he placed the baton
he had formed. The Lord God made all kinds of winds, every wind that was strong
of breath and moving in nature. (Now the wind of life and the wind of the
knowledge of good and evil were in front of the stand.)
The
Lord God took the baton and placed it on the stand in the front of the Stage to
care for and maintain the tempo. Then the Lord God commanded the baton, “You
may freely direct every musician of the band, but you must not defy the wind of
the knowledge of good and evil, for when you defy it you will surely die.”
The
Lord God said, “It is not good for the baton to be alone. I will make a
companion for it who corresponds to it.” The Lord God brought out of the world
every living composer of music and every musician of the band. He brought them
to the baton to see what it would show them, but whatever the composers and
musicians did, the baton would not move for them, and there was chaos
throughout the bands. So the Lord God caused the band to fall into a deep
sleep; and while they slept, he took part of the each musician and composer's
side and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a director from
the many parts he had taken out of the band, and he brought the director to the
baton. Then the baton moved, and every musician and every composer said:
"This one at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
this one will be called ‘director,’
for the baton shall follow him."
That is
why a baton moves not for his band or composer, but unites with the director,
and they become something truly spectacular. The director was a dictator, but
s/he was not cruel.
Disclaimer: I promise, this is not about the time we came back from
county honor band with, uh, lingerie for the band director (long story; and don't worry, it
was for the stuffed wolf in "band land" not for the director :)
...nor is it about the time he decided he was Superman and took a dive off the
drum major stand ;) Ah, good memories...
Now the
principal clarinetist was shrewder than any of the wild musicians that the Lord
God had made. S/he said to the director, “Is it really true that God said, ‘You
must not defy any whim of the band’?” The director said to the principal
clarinetist, “We may defy the whims of the musicians of the band; but
concerning the whims of the baton that is in the hand that is mine God said,
‘You must not defy it, and you must not lose it, or else you will die.’” The
principal clarinetist said to the director, “Surely you will not die, for God
knows that when you defy it your eyes will open and you will be like divine
beings who know good and evil.”
When
the director saw that the baton produced directing that was confusing for the
band, was unattractive to the eye, and was desirable for making one powerful,
s/he took some of its fruit and ate it. S/he also gave some of it to the other
directors who were with her/him, and s/he ate it. Then the eyes of each of them
opened, and they knew they were all powerful; so they took the bands and made
them bend to their will.
The Judgment Oracles of
God at the fall:
Then
the director heard the sound of the Lord God moving about in the band at the
best time of the rehearsal, and he hid his pride from the Lord God. But the
Lord God called to the director and said to him, “What are you doing?” The
director replied, “I heard you moving about in the band, and I was hoping you'd
notice how well I was doing, so I waited.” And the Lord God said, “Who told you
that you were could conduct? Did you defy the baton that I commanded you not to
defy?” The director said, “The other directors, they told me to defy the baton
and I did.” So the Lord God said to the other directors, “What is this you have
done?” And the directors replied, “The principal clarinetist tricked us, and we
defied it.”
The Lord God said to the principal clarinetist,
“Because you have done this,
Cursed are you above all the wild musicians
and all the living composers of music!
In difficult keys you will play
and different fingerings you will have all the octaves of your instrument.
And I will put hostility between you and the saxophones
and between your section and their section;
they will attack your squeaks,
but you will attack their pitch.”
To the director he said,
“I will greatly increase your concert pains;
with nervousness you will give all performances.
You will want to control your band,
but they will dominate you.”
But to the other director he said,
“Because you obeyed your peers
and defied the baton about which I commanded you,
‘You must not defy it,’
cursed am the podium thanks to you;
in painful toil you will stand on it all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
but you will stand on it even in concerts.
By the sweat of your brow you will give concerts
until you return to the underworld,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are hellish, and to hell you will return.”
The
director named his colleagues conductors, because they conducted all that the
band did. The Lord God made extra batons from plastic for the directors, and
distributed them. And the Lord God said, “Now that the director has become like
one of us, power hungry and pompous, he must not be allowed to stretch out his
hand and take also from the band, and dominate them all.” So the Lord God
expelled him from socializing with the band to cultivate his relations with
other directors. When He drove the director out, he placed on the (stage)
eastern side of the clarinetists to always remind him of his fall.
The Story of Marching
Band and Concert Band
Now the
director had marital relations with his wife the conductor, and she became
pregnant and gave birth to a marching band. Then she said, “I have created
instruments just as the LORD did!” Then she gave birth to his sister, the
concert band. The concert took care to play well, while the marching band
cultivated their marching technique.
At the
designated time the marching band brought some of the stunt sheets of the first
show for an offering to the Lord. But the concert band brought some of the
first composed of their music—even the most melodious of compositions. And the
Lord was pleased with the concert band and their offering, but with the
marching band and their offering he was not pleased. So the marching band
became very angry, and their intonation was made worse.
Then
the Lord said to the marching band, “Why you are angry, and why your intonation
is worse? Is it not true that if you do what is right, you will be in tune? But
if you do not do what is right, loud noise is crouching on your sideline. It
desires to dominate you, but you must suppress it.”
The
marching band said to their sister the concert band, “Let’s go out to the
stage.”” While they were on the stage, the marching band challenged the concert
band and beat them.
Then
the Lord said to the marching band, “Where is your sister the concert band?”
And they replied, “I don’t know! Am I the concert band's director?” But the
Lord said, “What have you done? The blood of the concert band's musicians is
crying out to me from the stage! So now, you are banished from the stage, which
has opened its pit to receive the concert band’s blood from your instruments.
When you try to cultivate your technique, the stage will no longer yield its
best for you. You will be an outdoor wanderer on the football field.” Then the
marching band said to the Lord, “My punishment is too great to endure!” Look!
You are driving me off the stage today and I must hide from your presence. I
will be an outdoor wanderer on the football field; when the football team finds
me they will kill me.” But the Lord said to him, “All right then, if anyone
kills the marching band, the marching band will be avenged seven times as
much.” Then the Lord put a special uniform on the marching band so that no one
who found them would strike them down. So the marching band went out from the
presence of the Lord and lived in the
