"Come on..come on..dammit..juuump," Nick yelled urgently as he pressed the button hard on the console. "Thatīs it!" He shot another enemy down.
"Hi Nick!"
A well known woman's voice startled him. Turning his head he noticed it was his doctor that had come to pay him a visit. "Oh Hi," he mumbled before turning back to the video game.
He was loosing. Loosing bad.
"What are you playing?" She had walked up to him, pointing at the small screen.
"Nothing..just a game" He pressed the button once again, making his character pick up another gun. "Counter strike" Inside him there was mixed feelings. He was a bit annoyed that the doctor had snuck up on him when he for once was doing something else besides sleeping or feeling sorry for himself. The other part told him that he wanted to know why she had come for him, cause he could see that she had something on her mind. Another feeling was that he was scared what she was about to tell him since it was usually bad news.
"Youīre getting high scores?"
"Nah not really." That was true. He sucked at this game. Before when he was younger this used to be one of his biggest interests but these days, even before the disease, there was so little time to sit down and play.
"My son Jacob has an X-box too..but I donīt think he has that game.." she pointed to the folder.
"Nah I wouldnīt think so..itīs the latest version of Counter strike. Hasnīt hit the market yet. D brought it back for me when he was at this X-box promotion party," he grinned, "like he had some business being there. Anyway I can ask if he can get me another copy..or to some other game next time he goes to a promo party."
She frowned.
"You know to your son. How old is he anyways?"
"Fifteen."
"Oh..just like AC then..my little bro," Nick clarified
"That would be nice, but itīs not necessary"
"No prob." Nick looked up. "D gets around alot."
"Ok" she sat down next to him on the hard plastic chair, "Do you often go to these events?"
"What?" Nick felt a bit confused, then a smile crept up on his face, "Oh you mean promo stuff..yeah some. But not that often nowadays. You know before..when we were famous and all."
"Youīre still famous."
"Yeah..yeah..anyway I doubt that anyone would want me at their party now" He laughed sarcastically. "Especially when I look like this. Like hell" He patted at his bald head.
"Itīs just hair Nick..besides Itīll grow back as soon as you stop your treatment" She knew it was a weak comfort, yet she felt bad for her young patient laying in front of her.
Nick didnīt seem to listen. "Not that it matters anyway" he rambled on. "I donīt like those parties. Itīs so shallow. Everybody is trying to be somebody you know. Itīs really hollywwooood." he stretched out his arms to prove his point. "There are plenty of good clubs and free booze and sometimes you get gifts, but the people I can live without. They just make me sick with their talk about unimportant stuff."
Looking at Nick DR Andersen smiled. She doubted that this was something that the young man had thought before. This whole experience had him change his mind about things..and that showed.
"I like more being with fans you know. Never understood why people wanna go to those part..shiiiit, where did that guy come from" With a swift move he shot down another enemy. "There you go" he added with a satisfied grin. "Ok where were I?"
"About those part.."
"Yeah..Yeah," Nick interrupted. "Well, like I said they are kind of boring. The guys usually go. At least D and Jay, sometimes Kev. Me and Rok usually stay out of it. At least those really glamourous ones"
"What do you like then?"
"Just chillin' you know. Hanging around with my friends. Play video games, drink and stuff." He laughed.
"Sounds like my children" she smiled. Pointing at the game controller in his hand she added, "Youīre getting pretty good at handling those things. Youīve done this a lot?"
"Yeah I guess." He pressed the button again, making his character change weapons. "I used to play this more often you know..when I was younger. Being on the road all the time could be pretty boring and then I had to have something to do. I played Nintendo. That and Gameboy; sometimes we would have these challenges" There was something dreamy in Nick's eyes as he thought back, "Brian used to beat me..but he was the only one that was better than me. These days I whip his ass though."
"Brian meant a lot to you?" The doctor changed her topic.
"Yeah..yeah he did," Nick chuckled at the memory. "You know back in those days the rest of the guys would say that if Brian jumped off a cliff I would have done the same" He paused for a while, "And you know..itīs true."
DR Andersen smiled, "Is it the same now?"
"That I would jump off a cliff?" Nick joked, "Nah donīt think so. Weīre not that close anymore anyways" he turned his attention back to the game like he didnīt want to talk anymore.
Sensing this tension the doctor changed the subject back to the video games. "Was this what you did after the shows?"
"Did what?" Nick looked up a bit confused. "Oh you mean playing the games" He nodded, "Pretty much. There was not much else to do. The guys used to go partying, but I was either too young or too tired so I stayed at the hotel room. Chillin."
"You like that? Chillin?" DR Andersen said with a smile.
"Mmmm..you know everyone thinks Iīm this really outgoing guy that wantīs to be around a lot of people all the time..but thatīs not me..Uh huh." He shook his head. "I like being with people and yeah I donīt spit in a glass either, but mostly I like to take it easy you know. Chillin, relaxing. Just taking it easy."
"Do you ever get a chance to do that?"
"No" Nick shook his head. "Not much..unless you count now. These days I do nothing but chill and sleep" He grinned looking at her. "I think Iīm starting to get fed up with that too...Dammit!" Nick cussed out loud as his character was shot in the chest with an AK-47. As if he was suddenly reminded who was sitting next to him he mumbled an apologetical, "Sorry."
"Thatīs Ok" she smiled. "I know that you can really get into things while playing. Jacob often does, besides Iīm the one disturbing you" Standing up she added, "I can come back later."
"Nah..itīs alright" He put down his game controller on the bed beside him and turned off the game. "Iīm loosing so bad. Besides I was done anyway"
"You donīt have to do that!"
"No" he shook his head. "I said it was OK. Iīm starting to get tired"
There wsa a frown on the doctor's forehead, "Youīre often getting tired?
"Mmm..a bit." There it was the questions about his health. It had felt so good for once to talk about anything but his disease but now she reminded him again. Fidgeting with his hand at the remote, he awaited the next question.
And it came.
"Do you feel tired after you have slept too? Nurse Griffin told me that you slept all day yesterday and the night nurse that you slept all night too. Feel better today?"
"I guess" Suddenly he didnīt feel very talkative.
"Good" There was a brief silence while she looked in his journals. "It also says right here that you didn't eat at all yesterday" Looking up she questioned, "Any reason for this?"
'Ok her we go.' Nick sighed. "Noo..I just wasn't hungry..I guess."
"OK," she scribbled something down on a paper. "It also says that you had a fainting episode on your way to the bathroom"
Jeez that nurse was telling shit!
"No..No..I didnīt pass out."
"Oh?" She sounded surprised. "It says here that..."
"Thatīs wrong!" Nick cut off. "I was just getting a bit dizzy when I stood up. Thatīs all."
"Iīll make a note." Writing on the paper she added with a doctor's voice, "Have you often experienced this?"
"Experienced what?" Nick was getting much too agitated that the nurse from hell was lying in his journals.
"Dizziness when you stand up?"
"Huh...That! Uh..No," he shook his head, lying. "Nah not that often" There was no way that he was going to tell his doctor that his world often went into a spinning sensation. That could lead to more testing and it was enough with the ones they were doing on him as it was for now.
"You sure?" She doubted his words. "Nick it says here that you had several fainting and dizzy episodes the past days. This is something we canīt take lightly even if I think it can have something to do with light blood pressure and the fact that you havenīt eaten anything solid for a while. You should also try and get up and walk more often."
Nick glared at her.
"Anyway we canīt be too careful so I will be ordering some tests. This is for precaution"
He groaned. More tests? Werenīt the ones he had already done enough?
"Donīt worry" she patted him lightly on his hand. "Iīm sure itīs nothing" She wrote on her paper again.
"What are you writing?" Nick stretched his neck to see what she was doing. "Is all that about me?" he asked, pointing at the thick journal in her hands.
"Yes."
"God, I bet the magazines would pay a fortune to get a hold of that" He grinned, trying to laugh up the tensed situation.
"Maybe." The doctor wasnīt fooled that easily. "Are you experiencing anything else besides dizziness?"
"Nah." The word was said a bit too quickly.
"No stomach aches? headaches? Sore throat?"
"A bit of a headache, nothing much?"
"Oh?" she frowned, the pen moving.
"Yeah..You know..the ones you get when youīre a bit stressed out and all.." He shrugged his shoulders to prove his point. "Iīm sure itīs nothing."
DR Andersen frowned."No Nick I donīt..what do you mean? What kind of headaches are you getting?" It was clear that she wasnīt taking this information lightly.
"Sort of like Migraines. Nothing big really..I used to get them all the time when I was a kid." He smiled, trying to reassure the doctor that it was nothing to pay attention too. "It sucked while touring but this doctor said I was getting it 'cause of stress. So itīs nothing."
"Nick you let me be the judge of that." Her voice was firm, getting into sudden doctors mood.
He groaned. This could only mean one thing. More tests.
"Anything else? Nausea?"
"No..not unless you count when I eat something as disgusting as Jello" he made a weak attempt at a joke.
"So you donīt like that either?" The doctor smiled. "I agree with you. It can be pretty bad. What do you say if I order you something more solid? You think you can handle that?"
"Sure!" Nick face lit up. "How about Pizza?"
Dr. Andersen laughed, "No Nick..I donīt think so. Not now."
He made his best puppy eyes impression, "Please..Pretty please..just a little taste. Besides Iīm sure I will be fine in no time."
"NO."
He sighed. She had said the final word on that issue.
"I will order you creme of wheat. Is that Ok?"
Like he had anything to say on that topic. "Sure..fine." He was back to his sullen self.
After a brief pause when Nick said nothing, just thinking about how much he wanted to leave this hospital DR Andersen broke the silence.
"It says right here that you have decided to continue with the treatment" she motioned with her hand towards the journal. "Is that correct?"
"Mmmm"
"That is some very good news Nick" she smiled at him. "this leaves us with so many more possibilities and once you are back on chemotherapy then..."
He groaned. What was she talking about? More chemo? Didnīt he have enough of that stuff already?
"Nick!" Her voice was suddenly filled with sympathy. "I know that this is very taxing on you, but you need to be strong and.." She had no chance to go on before Nick cut her short.
"No chemo..please..it just makes me sicker.." There was a pleading in his eyes.
Ignoring this the doctor went on. "We are prepared to do everything in our power to help you recover and to help ease the pain. Unfortunately this also means that you will have some unpleasant side effects and.."
He cut her short again. This time a bit agitated. "Ok Iīll get the point. When are you going to give me this? Tomorrow? the day after?" He hoped for the best not wanting her to beat around the bush anymore.
"Nick you have to relax" She tried to calm him down.
"When?" he demanded loudly. Not wanting to hear the answer that was about to come. It was like waiting for terror to set in and there was nothing he could do about it.
"This afternoon" The reply was short.
Her words blew out his light. "This afternoon? No way!" He groaned, tears in his eyes. This was the last thing that he wanted to do. Inside he was screaming. Now he knew how he would spend the upcoming night. With his head in the toilet!
"Nick" her hand was on his, "I know you donīt like it but there isnīt much we can do. We need to stop the cancer from growing and right now this is the only treatment that works."
Biting his lip he felt hot tears prick in his eyes. He wasnīt listening to what she was saying. He had to go for another round again and something told him that this was going to be even more aggressive than before. Even if he thought he had stole himself for this moment it still felt so unrealistic. He would be back to the treatment that made him feel so sick that he just wanted to die.
"We have to lower the counts on the cancer cells. This has to be done before we can try any other possibilities.." She went on to tell him how important it was but Nick wasnīt listening. Instead he was deep in his own terrified world, thinking that he would be feeling so sick again and afraid that he couldnīt co-operate. Now he was in for another round of hell again and all he wanted to do was lash out and cry, yet he tried to stay calm.
She must have sensed that he wasnīt listening cause she said, "I will administer some very strong nausea medication for you tonight. Itīll make you sleepy and hopefully youīll manage the night. Since it's a new medication we will first see how it settles".
"What do you mean?"
"So there are no allergic reactions. But if everything works out fine then you will receive the chemotherapy, if not weīll wait for tomorrow."
'Great,' Nick thought miserably, 'he could be in for a treat either way.'
"Nick do you know if there will be anyone coming over to visit you today?" Her question startled him. "Your parents or any of your friends?"
' "No." He shook his head since this was the truth. The guys had said at one point that they were coming but he didnīt know what day it meant. Was it today? Was it tomorrow? No matter what he didnīt know anymore if he wanted to have any visits. He was getting much too tired and getting the anti nausea medication would probably serve to make him even more exhausted. On top of that he didnīt want the guys to be with him when he had his head in a plastic bowl. "Donīt know..Donīt care," he muttered as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. "Maybe." He shrugged to prove his point.
"Aww Nick" she squeezed his hand in a comforting gesture. "Everything will be fine. Trust me...You will make it!"
"You think so?" He wanted so badly to believe her, yet there was this nagging voice deep inside that told him that it would all go to hell. What hurt him the most was that there was nothing he could do about the whole situation either. The cancer, the treatment had to run itīs course and he knew that the only thing he could do was concentrate and pray for survival. Everything else was a lost cause.
"Nick there is something I would like to talk to you about. There are other treatments.."
"Oh?" He awaited for the worst to be said.
"Bone Marrow Transplantation."
