It was a warm and humid day in southern Florida and the wind was calm. The hot sun reflected its beams on the blue ocean and the view was as beatiful as a painted picture. Yet Brian couldnīt see the beauty of it all. Standing out on Nick's porch his thoughts kept drifting over to the strenous situation they were all under. He was doing his best to suck in the fresh air before leaving to go back to Atlanta and the life that awaited him there.
There was a strange feeling standing there alone in Nick's house while his friend was at the hospital batteling for his life. Even if heīd stayed there for several weeks he was still not getting used to the silence that surrounded him and the fact that his friend was not there to talk to him. But it all had itīs reasons. Reasons that he was doing his best to forget.
Today heīd made one of his hardest decisions in his life and even if it wasnīt forever there was still doubt in his mind that heīd done the right thing. Made the right choices. The past days commotion had left him with an impending headache and with small even moves he rubbed his temples hoping to lessen the pain. Yet he knew that it was futile. The pain that he felt wasnīt one of illness instead it was stress related and as long as Nick was battling for his life there was no use in calming down and relaxing.
A sudden noise; laughter, caught his attention. It was Aaron and AJ playing with the pugs in the backyard. Their happy laughter felt unnatural in the tense situation and Brian was on the verge of telling them to be quiet when he was reminded that Nick wouldnīt have wanted his friends to act sad.
Jerking back, like heīd put his hand on a hot stove, he found himself thinking and acting like the worst had happened when in reality his friend was still very much alive, still being in critical condition, but away from the death that he had been so close to earlier.
Nick had woke up earlier in the day and right now his parents were at his side. Even though his family had come to be with him Brian still felt like a crock. He had made his choice between the two people that he loved the most and now he was soon going to be on a plane to Atlanta.
When heīd talked to Leighanne's dad the choice had been pretty easy to make. Leigh needed him and that was all that counted since he opted to be there for her and the baby. Even if Nick was sick there was no way he was going to let her battle a problem filled pregnancy without him being at her side. The prospect of "soon-to-be" dad had gained up on him and even if he was excited there were too many clouds in the sky too. Just when he had booked the tickets to go back at noon heīd received the news about his friend's critical condition which led to his plans changing drastically.
Upon calling Leighanne to inform her that he wouldnīt be going home yesterday there had been lots of disappointment in her voice, yet she had told him to stay if he wanted to. He loved his wife for being so understanding and even if one part of him wanted to stay another part told him that he had to leave. Nick had the rest of the guys and his family with him now and there was no need for yet another person at his side. It was after making this decision that he stood outside, waiting for Kevin to drive him to the airport.
Looking out at the calm ocean his eyes focused on the big boat that was sitting on the dock. It was Nick's beauty, his pride and thinking that his friend would maybe never be able to ride that boat again made his stomach do somersaults. Biting back the tears that burned in the corner of his eyes he tried to remain calm. Mentally he told himself that a breakdown was not something that would gain anything, especially not in front of Aaron, and it was these thoughts that helped him to remain the calm and positive facade that he had played out so long that he was almost starting to believe the lie.
But deep inside there were so many other thoughts occupying his mind and they were very far from being positive. His friend had won the last battle with his health and even if the rest of the guys said that they thought Nick would make it, there was still a tear in his heart. A little voice told him that the odds were very bad and even if the doctor hadnīt come out and said it loud heīd seen in Dr. Andersen's eyes that there was not much hope. But this was not something he would reveal to either men and certainly not to Nick or his family.
"Youīre ok B-rok?" It was Howie that was coming to check up on him in the same way he always did when someone was low or being unusually quiet. His warm and calm voice felt comforting and just to add to that feeling the Latino placed his hand on his shoulder without saying anything.
Not wanting to turn around, too afraid to show the feelings that dwelled up inside of him, Brian swallowed hard. "Yeah..sure..Iīm just standing here. Looking out at the ocean." He smiled briefly before adding, "Thinking." His tone probably betrayed him, his emotions, yet he couldnīt care less. Howie had seen him in all kinds of situations and emotions through out the years and there was no way he could hide the way he was feeling.
"Is it about Nick?"
Nodding Brian bit back the tears that had started to roll down his cheek. Quickly he wiped them away with the back of his hand. He was a grown man and a grown man didnīt cry. No more words had to be said before Howie was there again with his comforting words.
"Bob called."
Brian tensed up. His first thought was that something terrible had happened and he didnīt dare to look at Howie who was standing close to him. As if the Latino could read his mind he continued, "Nick is doing so much better and his fever has gone down again. They have even taken out the chest tube which is a good sign."
Relieved but also surprised over the positive outcome Brian whispered, "Awesome." His words said one thing while his tone told another story. Howie who had a knack of knowing other peoples feelings wasnīt fooled by his words.
"Whatīs the matter? Are you not happy for him? This is good news not some kind of funeral."
Brian, still trying to process the news that Nick was getting better again, nodded. "Yeah I didnīt mean it like this..I just..Iīm." He stopped himself when he couldnīt find any words.
"You know he even asked for you," Howie added in a vain attempt to make his friend feel even better. But instead it worked the opposite way, making him feel even worse.
"That is great," he mumbled while stifling the tears that he felt dwell up inside of him. The feeling of being a jerk and betraying his friend grew even stronger, making him feel like a coward for leaving his friend in a time like this.
"You know Brian..everything is going to be alright." Howie's voice was filled with warmth and he felt like a bad guy for not accepting the comfort he was given. Instead he nodded before adding with a hint of defeat, "Yes..I know."
His words held no meaning to him and he found them to be just as dead as if he was speaking about a corpse. Time had played a big part as well as there had been too many set backs lately. He had started to doubt his own beliefs and there was more than one time when he had asked God why they were letting Nick go through all of this. To him there was no meaning in suffering so much, at least not to this extent. Nothing good was coming out of all this and for the first time in his life heīd actually doubted over the meaning with all of this. When Nick had been battling for his life on the surgery table heīd spent the better part praying. Praying for the Lord to show him what the purpose was for all of this pain.
Going down the road with the group had proved to be a hard task and there had been many set backs in their life. At first they had been ruled by a cruel and forceful management and then the personal set backs had hit them hard. His own heart surgery as well as the death of Howie's sister had put a lot of strain on the group but what really tested their relationship was AJīs drug abuse. There had been times when they had thought that they would never make it but all the time Brian had kept his hopes up, not putting his guard down. Howie's positive attitude had also helped to lift the group as well as Nick's laid back appearance. The youngest in the group was the one that wasnīt hit personally even if Brian knew that there were lots of trouble inside the family and Nick was battling bouts of depression and loneliness
Just when they thought that things were starting to slow down. AJ had been to drug rehab and they were about to start working on a new CD faith came back to hit them in the back with full force and the outcome didnīt look that good.
"No you donīt," Howie startled him; cutting through his thoughts.
"Huh?"
"I said you don't believe that things are going to be alright. I can see it in your face, even if you say one thing." There was a calm tone in his voice as he added, "You donīt believe that Nick will survive. That he will be well again."
The words hit him like a ton of bricks and he wanted to object when Howie raised a hand to stop him, "No Brian..there is no use in lying. Not to us and certainly not to yourself." Drawing his breath back he continued, "Youīre just saying that he will make it when in reality you don't believe that it will happen"
Brian looked stunned. Never in all of these years had Howie been this frank with him about an issue like this. Usually the older man was the one to comfort them all and with his positive attitude towards life he was the one to help them all get through difficulties. He wasnīt judgmental and when it came to taking sides Howie D never was the one to make a choice. At first this had irritated Brian greatly but as time passed on he came to realize that it was actually pretty good to have a neutral part in the band. Someone that could negotiate and look at both sides from a different perspective. He was the peace maker in the band and it was more than one time that Sweet D had to stop the band from falling into shreds.
"No D youīre wrong I.." Brian started when his friend cut him short.
"You know Rok I never thought I would say this but I am actually glad that you are leaving."
Shocked and surprised over the words his friend used he looked at Howie with a stunned _expression. Why was he saying these things? This wasnīt like the Howie he knew at all to say something like that. Frowning he opened his mouth to object when Howie continued in his ever calm posture.
"That negative attitude that you have will do no good in helping him. Instead you keep dragging him down even if you donīt want to." This time Brian couldnīt hold his mouth shut.
"What are you saying? I donīt have a negative attitude. Who are you to say something like this?" Anger burned inside him and he was clenching his fist to remain calm. In the corner of his eye he saw Aaron and AJ looking curiously in their direction and there was no way he was going to let his brothers have the satisfaction of seeing him heated up over this matter.
"You donīt come out and say it loudly, but all this going back and forth whether you should stay or not is affecting us and in the long run Nick. You have to make up your mind since being here with just half your heart is doing no one any good." Howie was speaking wisely and even if the words felt like an attack, Brian knew that there was truth in them. "And now when you have made your choice I think it's better that you leave..for all parties." There was disappointment in the older man's voice as he said the words and Brian felt totally shocked.
Howie was the last one he had thought to say something like this. And it hurt, the truth hurt so bad that he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Someone must have read his thoughts as Kevin's dark voice boomed trough the tense silence.
"There you are. Iīve been looking for you all over the place. We have to get down to the airport right now or we will be late." Noticing the tension that was between the two friends he added, "Are you guys alright?" Howie shrugged, not saying anything and this had Kevin asking, "Brian?"
Snapped out of his own thoughts and the realization that Howie had actually said those things to him Brian looked up, "Sure." He was doing his best to steal himself for the upcoming breakdown that was threatening to take over his body and soul. "Just let me get my suitcases and then we are fixed to go."
Maybe Howie was right. Maybe it was time to go. To make up his mind. With these thoughts he turned around, walking away, avoiding his friends piercing eyes that cut through his soul like glass.
