"Good morning Nick,did you sleep well?" a soft voice greeted him when he opened his eyes to the world. Slowly the view came into focus and he recognized the warm smile of the young hispanic nurse named Sonia. Blinking several times he tried to get his bearings and before he had a chance to say someting she put a cool hand on his forehead. As in reflex, he shrugged his face away, feeling much too akward that she was touching his bald head. He briefly covered his scalp with his arm. Noticing this she said softly, "Nick itīs ok. Iīm just gonna feel if you have a temp."
"My..my cap," he mumbled hoarsly, eyes scanning the room for the wanted object. Without questioning him she opened a drawer in his bedside table and picked up the black baseball cap. "There you go," she smiled and put it on him.
Letting out a relieved sigh, the idea of having anyone witness him in this condition made his skin crawl, even if it was his family. There was a vague memory of being sick after the surgery yesterday and that his parents as well as siblings came to see him. There was a vision of his mother crying when she saw him and hopefully today when he felt a bit better he wanted to avoid such a scene. In silence he watched the young nurse pick up the thermometer from the bedstand, placing it in his ear. Laying there, his mind was deep in thought as he waited for the device to beep. Much to his relief his stomach didnīt hurt as much as yesterday and the nausea that had been his enemy most of the time seemed to be gone, gone with the wind. Finally.
The night had been pretty calm and he had actually managed to sleep a few hours without being woken up by either the dreadful nausea or the searing pain. The morphine that was pumped into his system had a good deal to do with that too, yet he didnīt care. It felt so good to be able to be awake without heaving his innards up.
A new glimpse of hope lit up in his mind. What if he actually was starting to get better? Maybe Dr. Andersen had been right, that they had managed to take the tumor when there was still a chance for remission. Upon hearing those words a new glimpse of hope light up in his mind. When he was told that they had found yet another tumor, his blood froze in his veins. According to the guys he would have been a gooner if they hadnīt caught that one. Yesterday, especially the evening had been in such a haze, still he knew that he was fighting the fight of all fights. The battle of his life. And for the first time it looked like he would come out a winner!
The beeping of the thermometer caught his attention and the nurse red the numbers before she clicked it off, shooting the cover into the wastebasket. He could swear that there was a troubled frown and he immediately wanted to know what was up with him.
She answered his question before he had a chance to ask. "Youīre spiking a temp." She scribbled some figures on the clip pad infront of her, not looking up at him.
"Oh." Nick felt his mood lower a notch. Why did he ever think that something could go easy for him? "Is it bad?"
"No," she shook her head, "it doesnīt have to be, but every rise of temperature is a concern especially since you have been through a rather rough surgery." Noticing his worried expression she added with a reassuring smile "the elevated temp can also be because of the chemo. Some patients respond this way until the body has adjusted to the treatment." "Ok." Still he didnīt didnīt feel satisfied at all. His body was still very weak after the surgery and ANY complications could be fatal, especially since he had an increased dose of chemo running straight into his veins.
"Are you thirsty?"
What? Was she kidding or what? His throat felt like he had been through a desert storm and he was absolutely DYING of thirst. Dr. Andersen had taken the tube out of his throat since he had been vomiting so violently and they were afraid that he would suffocate. He had also a hard time talking with that device and it had made him anxious too. The icechips placed in his mouth felt like heaven and he could have eaten them all if the nurse hadnīt slowed him down.
"Take it easy," she said, taking them away from him.
He groaned. "Spoilsport." Suddenly he remembered another matter. He hadnīt been for ages to the bathroom. Not that he needed to, but it felt strange to know that he hadnīt peed since yesterday morning.
Either the nurse was a mind reader or his body language told him what was on his mind since she said, "You donīt have to bother about that matter. Your body will take care of it since you have a catether."
"A what??" He felt like he would burst. Had they put on one of those things that usually old people wore? And infront of this beautiful nurse too. Man this was really starting to suck.
"A catether," she smiled gently to him, "Dr. Andersen donīt want you up so shortly after the surgery so you have strict bedrest."
He couldnīt believe what he was hearing. A bathroom visit was out of the question..but what if he needed to do something more? Not that it was likely since he hadnīt eaten anything but you could never be too certain. His body had many times decided to give him one hell of a treat, especially when he expected it the least.
"Bu..but what..what if I have to do something else? You know?" He fidget uncomfortably, feeling a bit embarrassed to bring up the subject but somehow it had to be done.
" Then you will use a bedpan."
Groaning he could feel his cheeks go red. Hopefully none of the guys would catch him in that situation. It would be way too embarressing. During the years the guys had loved to tease him and even if he was laying in bed sick he was afraid that he would become the laughing object again. That he had enough of to last a lifetime.
Just when he thought that it couldnīt be more embarrassing the nurse added, "But that you probably wonīt have to worry about for now since you have this IV running into your tigh."
The line! He had completly forgot about the feeding line and now everything felt dark again. With a sigh he reached with his hand towards the IV, "Iīll guess I wonīt be getting a pizza any time soon, right?"
"Nope."
Her eyes clouded in sadness and he felt obligated to cheer up the situation the best he could. "Thatīs ok," he added with a chuckle. "They always said I needed to be on a diet anyway."
The tension was suddenly a bit tight in the room and when he didnīt know what else to say next so he closed his eyes instead. This was something he used to practice being on the road. He often pretended to sleep when it got too emotional or hit too close to home. Just when he opened his mouth to say something there was a knock on the door instead. Nick breathed out, he was once again saved by the bell.
The door opened and his mom and dad, Lesley and Angel walked in following by AJ, Kevin and Brian. The room was soon crowded with people. "Hello baby," his mother greeted him and instantly walked up and gave him a kiss on his forehead. Once again he was happy that the cap covered his bald head. His dad came over to him too, "Hi Nick." His large hands patted him lightly on the cheek, "How are you doing today?"
There wasnīt time to answer since both Lesley and Angel said a quick hello. He could see in their eyes that they were shocked and he wanted to do everything to spare them the pain. Yet there was nothing he could do. BJ, he knew was still back in LA since she had to do a modeling job. Yet Nick knew better. His oldest sister had a hard time dealing with sickness and death and he knew that it was her way to handle stuff like this, running away from it all. He couldnīt blame her since he didnīt know what he would have done in a situation like this either.
"Hey dude," It was AJ coming up to him. "I brought you this." He threw down a magazine on the bed.
"Shush," Nick tried to reach it, covering his mouth with one finger as to silence his friend, "I donīt want the kids to see it." With his tumb and a grin he motioned towards Angel and Lesley.
"What?" His friend looked like a questionmark until the lightbulb lit up. "NOOO Itīs not THAT kind of magazine. You donīt think Iīm a perv do you?"
"No I donīt think. I know." There was laughter in the room. Everybody seemed satisfied that he seemed that he was in great spirits. The old Nick was back again.
"Hey itīs good to see you in such a great mood," Brian grinned, patting him slightly on his shoulder in a friendly gesture.
"Yes," Kevin agreed, "itīs good to see you back man."
"Yeah it feels great to finally be able to talk without gagging all the time." He could have bit his tongue off since his words created a tension in the room. He quickly handed the Rolling Stones magazine that AJ had brought to the nurse, "Can you please put this on the bedstand?"
Nodding she did as he asked and then continued, standing up, "Iīm sorry but Mr. Carter needs his rest. You canīt all be in here at the same time. Ill have to ask some of you to leave."
Upon hearing these words Nick felt scared. He didnīt want any of them to leave since he needed them. Even if fatigue was setting in again and it would feel good to take a nap he still didnīt want them to go. There were nothing worse than being alone. "No thatīs ok Sonia," he held up a hand as if to stop her, "Theyre all my family."
The nurse, who looked ready to argue opened her mouth to say something when he gave her one of his puppy dog eyes looks "Please," he pleaded in that way that he knew that she couldnīt resist. He had always been a womans man, old as well as young, grandmother and teenage girl, yes even small girls had fallen for his charm. Although he was laying there in bed with pale-yellow complexion, baldheaded, all skin and bone he still managed to charm the female side of the population.
"Ok," the nurse said with a sigh, "but donīt hesitate to press on the call button if you want me to come." Turning to the others she continued, "Nick has been through a difficult surgery and even if he is feeling better today he still needs to rest so therefore I would appreciate if you donīt stay too long. For his sake I mean."
Once the nurse had left the room Nick noticed that his little brother and Howie was missing. The latter he suspected had other things to do but that Aaron was not coming had him in for a loop. "Whereīs AC?"
There was once again an uncomfortable silence in the room, but his dad was the one to respond, "Aaron is staying at home today. He isnīt feeling too well."
"Really whatīs wrong with him?" Nick did his best to hide his disappointment. Especially since he felt that the reason for his brothers absence was beacuse of him. There was no need of lying since he had seen it in Aarons eyes. His sickness scared him too much and he suspected that it was all getting too much for the fifteen year old. Even if everyone thought that Aaron was a hard head he knew that his brother was mostly a soft spot and he feared that him being sick was touching his bro more than he would ever admit.
"Oh he just had a headache. A migraine you know, and he was so sad that he couldnīt come." Jane sat down next to him on his bed. "Honey, Aaron said that he would come over tomorrow instead." He could feel his mother taking his hand in hers, "So how did you sleep last night?"
"Ok." Suddenly he didnīt feel very talkative. There was a pain in his body, or more likely in his heart. He hated to know that he was making everyone so sad and scared. He didnīt want to see those eyes looking at him like he would collapse any second. He hated it and when times were bad he wished that he was dead so they wouldnīt have to suffer on his account.
"Dīsent his love too and he said he will be coming over tomorrow too." Brian added to the conversation that was becoming pretty tense again.
"Yes he is staying with Aaron today," his dad filled in. "Cool," Nick knew that they were lying. He knew that neither of them had the strength to face him. Heīd seen it in Howies eyes too, the sadness, the fright. Maybe this was all hitting him too much since he was probably thinking about his sister Caroline too. Fatigue suddenly dwelled all over him and he was getting more and more tired as the time passed. He faked a yawn so they saw that he didnīt want to talk anymore. The good mood that heīd been in all morning was gone again, replaced by a sadness but also by a terrible fatigue sweeping all over his body. It was too tough keeping his eyes open and no matter how hard he tried he couldnīt get them to function properly.
"Are you tired honey? You want us to leave?" His mother asked, stroking his hand in the same way that she always did when he was a young boy. She used to do that when he was either scared or sick and it breathed comfort and love. Sometimes he longed back to that time when she was there for him all the time, this was way before he had joined the Backstreet Boys. It was before he had to go out touring and act more mature than he ever was. There were times when he wanted to be in her safe embrace, smelling her sweet perfume. Wanting to be a young kid again, being far away from all the worries and troubles that seemed to follow him everywhere.
He didnīt want them to leave yet there wasnt a chance that he could stay awake very long either. "Iīm sorry," he mumbled forcing his eyes to stay open. Kevin, AJ and Brian looked at him, silently with grave faces. He wanted to smile at all of them, yet he couldnīt even muster such a small task. The sickness was draining him out.
"Why are you sorry?" his dad asked with a frown. "Is there something on your mind son? Are you feeling bad again?"
"Should we call the nurse?"
His family were such worrywarts and he wanted desperately to comfort them, saying that it was all fine. But he couldnīt lie.
"Iīm sure that all that is the matter is that Nick is very tired." Brian was talking instead of him and that he found himself being actually happy for. The nausea that he thought he had kicked was showing its ugly face again.
"Yes maybe we should leave him alone. Having so many people around is bound to be taxing." Kevin was taking charge now and despite the fatigue Nick couldnīt help but smile deep inside. All the years that he had known the older man heīd seen him taking charge. Not that he didnīt usually mind, no it was more that Kevin was the born leader and there had been many times when he had to lean against his friend. In some senses Kevin was more a parent than his biological ones. Heīd been there in sickness and in health..and he knew that he would be there to death did them apart. Almost like a marriage or a family.
"Yes youīre right Kevin." He could hear his mother talking, directing orders to his dad and sisters, who hadnīt said much at all. "Bob take the girls back to Nicks house with the guys. Iīm going to stay here with Nick for now. He needs his rest."
"You donīt want me to stay too?" Nick could almost hear the disappointment in his fathers voice, "I mean so you can get a some sleep too honey. You know how tired you are."
Tired? Was his mother tired? Come to think of it heīd seen how pale she looked and the dark rings under her eyes that told him that she hadnīt been sleeping very well. He wanted desperately to ask her what was the matter and then tell her to get some well needed rest but when he heard his mothers reply he stopped himself.
"No Bob I can manage just fine. I want to be here with our son."
"Ok then call if there is anything then," his dad commented.
Even tough Nick loved his family and "brothers" more than anything else he felt actually happy that they were leaving since his eyelids were like lead. No matter how hard he fought he didnīt seem to be able to keep them open. He wanted to kick himself in the head for feeling like this, especially since his mood had been on top. Once again he was starting to doubt that he would ever win this game.
Brians words cut through his thoughts, "Well man we better let you get some rest then and you know if you wake up and wanna talk or something give us a call." He felt Brians hand squeeze his own, "Take care and Iīll be back." His voice sounded strangely thick.
"Mmmm..." Words didnīt come that easy anymore, they seemed to be stuck and he fought deeper to fall asleep infront of them.
"See you later buddy," AJ leaned over him and whispered, "and yo Kaos, check inside of the issue of Rolling Stone..there is a small gift for you. In case you get lonley." He chuckled slightly as he tapped the young man on his head, "and dude youīre right. I AM a perv. Bye for now and stay good."
If Nick hadnīt been so tired he would have laughed his ass off, or said something witty back. It was so much like Bone to sneak a playboy in infront of his peers. The medication was making him very drowsy and after Kevin said goodbye he felt himself sinking further and further down. The sounds drowned away and his battle with sleep and sickness won. For now.
