Kevin sighed heavily as he tossed his copy of sheet music onto the control panel in the studio. Propping his elbows on top of the counter, he placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes.
“Headache buddy?” AJ mumbled as he manuvered his way around Kevin’s body in the cramped quarters of the sound room.
Kevin’s only reply was a gunt and a slight nod of his head.
“I’ve got some Tylenol in my bag,” Howie offered as he scooted his chair back.
Kevin waved him off. “Don’t bother, it’s probably just a tension headache and I doubt that Tylenol would kill it.”
“Hey did Brian say how long Nick’s chemo would take?” AJ wondered outloud as he glanced at the clock on the padded wall.
“I dunno, I guess I never asked and he probably never said anything about it,” Howie replied as he rumaged through his black duffle bag. “Here Kev, take a couple of these.”
Kevin glanced over at Howie’s open palm. “I told you I didn’t need any fuckin’ Tylenol.” His voice was icy and Howie instantly drew his hand back. Quickly realizing he hurt his friend’s feelings, Kevin raked a hand through his hair and stood up. “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’m just a little tired I guess.”
Howie smiled slightly at his older brother. “It’s okay Kevin, I just want to help you.” He again held the pills out.
Uncapping his water bottle, Kevin finally accepted the tablets and popped them into his mouth followed by a generous gulp of water. “Thanks D.”
“Nick, are you sure you’re up to doing this?” Brian questioned as he warily eyed his best friend’s slouched figure in the passenger seat.
Licking his lips, Nick’s reply was barely audible. “Yeah, I have to.”
“No, you don’t have to do anything, we can wait.”
Nick slowly shook his head. “I’ll be fine and besides, we can’t wait, I’ve made you guys wait too long.”
“I don’t know about this, what if you start throwing up?”
“Then I throw up, life goes on, no big deal, besides, I promise I won’t throw up today, okay?”
Pulling into the parking lot of the recording studio, Brian shook his head. “Like you can control when you throw up.”
Nick shrugged his shoulders. As he unhooked the seat belt, he winced when his stomach quickly protested the change in positions. “A guy can dream, can’t he?”
Brian eyed Nick suspiciously, he heard ‘something’ in Nick’s voice when he made the last remark.
“Nick, I can hear that you feel like shit. We should just cancel this session.”
Nick waved Brian off and exited the car.
“Nick, please, I’ll just go in and tell the guys you aren’t up to this today,” Brian pleaded.
Nick sighed as he turned to face Brian across the top of the car. “Look, this is something I need to do for everyone, me included. This shit isn’t going to control me, I have to control it and the only way to do this is to just tough it out and carry on like everything is normal. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?”
“But Nick--”
“Drop it,” Nick growled. “I’m going in there with or without your blessing so you better just follow me in.”
Shrugging his shoulders, Brian stepped around the car and stood, watching Nick struggle to get his backpack out of the back seat. Feeling defeated, Nick leaned against the side of the vehicle.
“Can I get that for you?”
Nodding slightly, Nick grinned. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little weak this morning.”
Brian pulled the backpack out of the car effortlessly and slung it over his shoulder. “Gosh this thing is kinda heavy, what the heck do you have in here?”
Answering as he walked toward the studio door Nick listed the contents of the backpack. The items listed hit Brian and sent a shooting pain in his heart. No longer was the back pack stuffed full of CD’s, video games and comic books for Nick to pass the time away, it now consisted of medications, bottles of water and a journal.
Desperate to recover from the overwhelming emotional feelings, Brian tried to make light of the situation. “Yeah I thought I heard rattling in the bag, must be the meds.”
“Yeah, probably,” Nick grunted in reply. His stomach ache seemed worse to him this morning and he wanted to ball up into a corner until it passed but continued to hide his feelings as they entered the cool, dark hallway of the studio.
“Are you sure you’re feeling up to this,” Brian questioned again as he saw the paleness of Nick’s face and the beads of sweat on his forehead.
“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you,” he stated quickly as he pushed the restroom door open and dashed in.
“Nick? Are you alright?” Brian called out.
“Uh-huh,” Nick muttered, trying to push the burning taste of bile back down his throat. He wondered when the anti nausea medication would start working. They had assured him when they hooked up the chemo this morning that the med would be issued first to prevent any severe nausea. Catching a glimpse of his sweaty, pale complextion in the mirror Nick stared at the image for a moment.
“Nicky?”
Nick quickly turned the water faucet on, cupping the cool water in his hands and splashing it on his face. Not looking up when he heard the door squeak open, Nick continued to splash the water onto his face over and over again. He stopped briefly when he felt Brian’s hand on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
Splashing more cold water into his face Nick didn’t reply at first, but Brian’s hand patting him on the back told him that a reply was needed to ease his worried friend’s mind.
“Just peachy.”
“Did the chemo make you sick again?”
Nick rolled his eyes underneath closed lids. He wanted to scream out ‘No dumbass, I have the flu’ but kept his anger in check.
“I dunno, I think it’s a case of nerves,” Nick decided outloud. He stopped for a moment, letting the words he had just spoken imprint on his mind. “It has to be nerves, they gave me some meds before the chemo.”
“Do you have anything in the bag that you can take?”
Nick shook hs head as he turned off the water and pulled the paper towels out of the dispenser, wiping his face. “There is, but I don’t think anything on my stomach right now is such a good idea. I’ll wait it out for a bit and see if this passes.”
“Well don’t be afraid to stop if you don’t feel good, okay?”
“Brian, I said I’ll be okay.”
“Please Nick, promise me you’ll stop if you get tired.”
Seeing the sorrowful look in Brian’s blue eyes, Nick relented and promised that he would stop if he felt tired. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that he felt tired right now, but that was a normal feeling lately, zero energy.
“I’ll do what I can do, okay?”
”Nick?”
“Alright, I’ll stop if i get tired,” Nick agreed. If Brian knew how tired he was at that moment, he would have stopped him. Wadding up the used paper towels, Nick tossed them into the basket and pasted a smile on his face. “Let’s go and get started before I change my mind.”
As they got closer to the room the where the guys were waiting, the sound of music was floating in the air. Pushing the door open, Nick found the men huddled around Kevin and the piano, harmonizing.
A mischevious grin spread on Nick’s face as he leaned over and pressed the button for the intercom to the recording room. “Ya’ll suck,” his voice quietly announced, startling the guys.
AJ’s response was a playful middle finger sticking into the air.
“Do you want the bag in there?” Brian gestured toward the room where the men were with his head as he held the backpack.
Nick shook his head. “Just grab a water, okay?”
Setting the bag onto a revolving chair, Brian unzipped the bag and pulled out a large bottle of Aquafina, handing it to Nick.
When the two boys entered the room, Nick was questioned by AJ and Howie immediately.
“How did the chemo go?”
Nick shrugged his shoulders. “Same old shit.”
Howie sized up his young friend’s face, concern in his eyes. “You feeling up to this?”
“I’m getting sick of answering that question,” Nick breathed.
“Okay, then I guess that means yes,” AJ quipped.
Taking a seat on a wooden stool Nick uncapped his bottle of water and took a small sip. “Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here.”
“Nick, this is the song we’ve been working on this morning,” Kevin announced as he laid a sheet of music and lyrics down on the piano.
As Kevin outlined the details of the song, AJ couldn’t help but study his younger brother. He could have sworn that Nick’s stomach looked bigger to him this morning than it was last week. His shirt seemed to be clinging to it and AJ dismissed his thoughts figuring he was just looking at things too objectionably. He quickly changed the direction of his stares when Nick pulled the shirt away from his stomach, trying to fluff it out.
AJ leaned into Howie and whispered, “Is it just me or does Nick’s stomach look bigger?”
Stealing a quick glance, Howie shrugged his shoulders. “I really haven’t noticed.”
“I’m going to play through your part a couple of times so you get the feel for it and then we’ll have you try it out,” Kevin stated as he sat down on the bench. Stifling a yawn, Nick nodded.
Catching the yawn, Kevin studied Nick’s face. “Are you feeling up to this?”
Nick sighed dramatically. “Yes, for the millionth time, I’m fine okay? This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you guys about the stuff that was going on with me!”
“We’re just concerned,” Kevin defended.
“Yeah and it’s our right to know what’s going on with you,” AJ added.
Shaking his head, Nick replied, “I’m going to ignore you even said that stupid comment AJ.”
Brian slapped the back of the tattooed man’s head, immediately bringing a hand up in defense from AJ. “Why did you do that?”
Leaning in close to AJ’s ear, Brian breathed, “Because you needed it!”
As AJ lifted his hand up to retaliate Kevin glared. “AJ! Stop!”
“Judas, I always get blamed,” AJ grumbled, dropping his hand, sinking back onto the stool next to Nick.
“Better you than me for a change,” Nick grinned. His smile suddenly disappeared as quickly as it came when a sharp pain shot across his stomach, taking his breath away from him. Quickly placing a hand over his stomach, Nick silently prayed that no one in the room noticed his pained expression.
“Okay Nick, I’m going to start play the song through,” Kevin announced as he adjusted the bench.
Brian kept his eyes on Nick as Kevin played the song, he could tell that Nick definately wasn’t feeling well this morning despite all of the protests and assertions contrary to the questions. He worried about Nick pushing himself too far, but Nick was always and forever doing that since the day the group started. Singing onstage when he was sicker than a dog with a temperature and the flu. There were too many times to count that buckets were strategically placed at opposite ends of the stage for Nick to dash off and throw up if he needed to when they toured. Ninety percent of the time though, his upset stomach was because of a night out with AJ rather than the flu.
“Nick,” Kevin paused playing, “this is your part.”
Nick nodded and listened intently to the music as he read the lyrics. When Kevin finished the song, he asked if Nick wanted to try his part before they tried out the whole song.
Taking a sip of water, Nick signaled with his hand and nodded. At first, the sound that came from Nick’s mouth when he sang sounded gravelly and weak.
“Whoa... whoa, hold on a sec,” Nick interrupted, his cheeks turned slightly pink from embarrassement. He coughed, cleared his throat and took another sip of water. “Let’s try that one more time, sorry.”
Kevin eyed his younger brother, concerned etched on his face. “Are you sure---”
“Let’s try this again please,” Nick interrupted with an edgy voice.
As Kevin started playing Nick’s part again, all eyes were focused on him. Amazingly, Nick’s voice became clearer and stronger and Brian couldn’t help but beam with pride as he listened to him sing. Tears welled in his eyes as he watched, disbelieving that any of this could be happening to Nick. Pinching the corners of his eyes by his nose, Brian tried to keep the tears at bay but was becoming unsuccessful. He quickly stood up and pushed through the heavy sound room door.
"I guess we take five," Kevin sighed. "I'm going to see if Brian's okay."
Walking out into the dark hallway, Kevin didn't have to go far to find his cousin sitting on a flowered couch, head bowed. Wordlessly, he sat down beside Brian, wrapping an arm around the man's shaking shoulders.
"I'm sorry I fell apart in there," Brian whispered.
Kevin's only reply was hugging his cousin tighter.
"I try to keep it together for Ni..him, but I c-couldn't," Brian sobbed. He half laughed at himself. "God, look at me, I can't even say his name."
"It's okay, you're upset," Kevin soothed. "This is hard for all of us."
The footsteps padding on the carpet indicated that someone was approaching and both Kevin and Brian looked up to see who was invading their privacy.
"Is everything alright?" AJ asked, peering over the top of his sunglasses.
"Everything's fine," Kevin assured. "Go back to the soundroom, we'll be there in a minute."
"I'm going out to have a cigarette, Nick said he was going to take a quick nap so I thought I'd go have a smoke," AJ explained.
"Go have your cigarette but be back after that, we need to get this recording done today," Kevin directed, running a hand through his hair. Glancing up, he saw Howie leaving the recording room. "What the hell is he doing?"
"Is everything okay?" Howie questioned as he approached.
"Everything is fine, why aren't you there with Nick?" Kevin asked as he stood up.
"I doubt Nick needs a babysitter, besides, he's taking a quick nap, he said he needed a power nap," Howie defended.
Kevin started walking towards the room with Brian and Howie tagging along.
"I'm going out to smoke," AJ announced as trudged toward the exit.
Stepping into the control room, Kevin's eyes scanned the recording room for Nick. "Where is he?"
Howie pointed towards a corner of the room. "Down there, on the floor. He said he wanted to lay down and well, you know how Kaos is, he always sleeps where ever he can."
Kevin's grin faded as he looked at Nick's sleeping form on the floor. There were so many things Kevin saw that he was sure no one else could see. He'd seen it with his father and now he was seeing it with his younger brother. His heart ached with the memory of his dad and it ached with the knowledge of things that could be coming for Nick.
"Kev?" Brian stuck his face in front of the older man's.
Startled, Kevin jerked. "Huh?"
"You pulled a Nick, you were zoning out on me, I asked if you wanted to just sit in here or do we get started back in the recording room?"
Kevin rubbed his face with his palms. "Let's just sit in here for a bit and let the kid sleep. God knows he needs it."
