March 5, 2002
I'm really tired of playing games. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to play in a band with Kyle, I've had all I can take from him, and offcourse he's completely oblivious to all this. He just doesn't fit. Nothing artistic, nothing inspired. All he cares about is getting famous, that's all. What an immature attitude. Completely unrealistic. Were not gonna be famous. We don't wanna be famous. I mean what the fuck am I gonna do with fame, probably all the wrong things. He's needs to wake the fuck up.
I don't want to kick him out though. Tony and Jay want him gone. So do I, but I don't wanna kick him out. I'm not afraid to, not by far, it's just that I keep putting myself in his position and if they kicked me out of the band me and Tony created, I'd feel like shit. I could never be somebody's boss, I'm just not an asshole enough to do that shit. I do want him gone though. We'd be better off and so would he. This project is going to self-destruct with him in it eventually, and I can't have that. This band is pretty much all I have that I truly care about,(it's not all I want though) it's not something I do for fun.
If Kyle isn't the drummer, I'm afraid Ritchie won't stick. He's ten times better than Kyle on so many levels. He drums better and he actually has a personality where as Kyle just sort of sits there with the most blank expression. Still I wouldn't hold that against Kyle, it's his outlook on just about everything that really bothers me. Ritchie's also very loyal to his other band, and that's a problem for us. We need a full time, committed drummer, not someone who's gonna jump back and forth, and then just quit. The drummer who could play full time we don't want anymore and the drummer who we do want can't.
Decisions fucking suck kids.