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July 15, 2002

Wow, it's been awhile. The band is still together, doing fine. Hitting little road blocks in the writing process, but it won't matter soon, we'll be fine. Man, so much has happened to me and the people I know this summer, I swear it's been like a soap opera. We still don't have a drummer which sucks, but man that's the least of my troubles. Everything has been so messed up. It all goes back to me wanting this girl really bad, and you know how I can't be with her and how I'm not good enough for her. She is perfect to me in everyway, and nothing would make my life happier than to be with her, but she's with this asshole who doesn't truly appreciate anything but himself. He used to be one of my closest friends, but he messed that up, it's a long story I'm trying to let go of. It's just crazy, I have made myself so sad and depressed over her, and she's worth everybit of it, she's a very special person, maybe not to everyone else but to me she is. What I do know is that a lot of good, bad, mixed, scared, twisted, sad, depressing, hopefull and hopeless emotions have come out of it. I was reading through some of my lyrics earlier, and it occured to me that I don't really like that many of them. I am gonna have to pour every little feeling of all of this into some words on paper and make some truly great songs. I don't have this huge fear of performing in front of people anymore, all of our friends like us, and we played for HER and she liked us and said I was a good singer, so that is really all that matters. I could probably play for anyone after that and not give a damn. I don't know where this is going, but the summers only half over, and I am honestly scared of all the pain and hurt that could be to follow through the rest of it. If the way it started is any indication of how it's going to end, then I hope I'm not around for it. I wish I could make everyone happy happy and give everyone what they want out of life right now, but I can't even make myself happy, so how could I possibly do such a feat. I feel bad, so so bad, everyone is falling apart, and I don't know how to put them back together. If I can't fix myself, I can't fix them either, and it haunts me. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, except write and write and write and write and write. That is all I'm gonna do later. All these feelings, good and bad won't go away, and I don't know if I want them to. I keep telling myself that you can only suffer so long before something good comes your way. Nothing would make life more beautiful than to be with her, just knowing that she saw something in me enough to give me the chance to date her. This is all I think about sometimes, and the others it's not good either. Write Write write, write and fade away........