The Worst Thing (About Me)
Ratings: R- for violence, bad words and Daniel being a main character
Pairings: Darren/Daniel, Darren/other
Disclaimers: eh?
Daniel stared absentmindedly at the old tv in front of him, barely registering
any of the havoc that was taking place around him. If there was one
holiday that he hated more than the others, he was pretty sure that he
wouldn't lost his arm if he bet it that it had to be Christmas.
Sometimes he wished he could fall asleep ten days before and wake up just
before the New Year's Eve party. He could, if he tried hard, forgive that
everyone pretended to be nice to people they didn't know or didn't like
while the other 355 days of the year they just kicked through them as if
they were a soccer ball. Even Santa Clauses at every corner wanting to draw
out money from the unsuspecting passing-biers or mothers with hysterical
children screaming for their Digi-Poke-Furby-whatever toys wasn't that bad
if he considered that he was lucky enough not to have a child. Daniel had
other Reasons to hate Christmas, a big reason with capital letter and
meaningful pause before the word itself, so every year he spent that day at
his parent's house with his brothers, cousins, aunts, other relatives,
strangers that he was told he knew, dogs and phobias praying for a Christmas
miracle, a one that would hopefully involve him and lightning.
"Daniel! Did you hear what I just said?" Daniel nodded automatically and
turned the head to see who was daring to disturb the sugar coma he worked so
hard to obtain only to find Oliver staring at him with a mocking look at his
face. "Yeah, bet ya did, now move your arse and help me, ok?"
Daniel nodded again, not caring about the obvious sarcasm in his brother's
voice and stood up before he realized that he actually didn't listen and
didn't had a slightest idea what he had just agreed to help with. "Sure,
right, we better go to... erm..." he looked at Oli hoping for a little hint
but got only an annoyed tug on the sleeve.
"Kitchen, help me with the dishes Daniel, unless you think I'll be able to
wash them all by myself."
Two little wheels in Daniel's brain moved lazily and decided to give up but
that millisecond of movement was enough for Dan. "Don't we have a washer?"
he asked but immediately understood that somehow it was a bad idea since
Oliver's look changed from mocking-impatient to
more-impatient-slightly-pissed-off. "It's broken" he hissed, bending his
eyebrows until they were a one thick line. For a single moment Daniel
wanted to say 'no' or 'fuck off' or anything that would make his brother to
go away, his guts clenching in that unpleasant way when you know that
something is going to happened and there is nothing you can do to avoid it
but you try anyway. He gave up though. He was tired and annoyed and it was
*Christmas* for crying out loud, which meant that things could get only
worse.
Sighing a tormented "Fine" he followed Oliver, feeling a little nauseous
since he knew very well why was he asked to 'help with the dishes'.
He was right of course. The first thing he noticed after entering the
kitchen was that except for two glasses and a plate laying alone in the
corner of the table this room had that typical, Christmas 'I've been
cleaning the house for a week, make a mess and die' air around it.
Oliver was simply preparing the ground and that was one of those things
Daniel hated about his brother. Oliver never just wanted to talk, he had to
make speeches and give good advice about stuff he didn't understand. It's
true that he was a patient and understanding listener but after the person
he listened to (mostly Daniel) wanted to forget about the subject and move
on, he started to analyze everything, give alternative scenarios and use his
favourite: 'If I were you' line.
That talk they had two weeks ago only made the matter worse. Since then
Oliver had been watching him all the time, like he was considering
something. He shouldn't have ever told his brother all that stuff he did but
it was too late for having second thoughts now, some stuff, no matter how
much Daniel wanted that, couldn't be undone.
"So..." he began, casually taking one of the glasses and putting in the
sink, "how do you feel today?"
Daniel suppressed the sudden urge to smash the plate over his brother head
and decided to go for the sarcasm instead. "Peachy," he declared cheerfully
peering at his brother suspiciously and trying to look casual at the same
time "And how do you feel?"
"Mum noticed, finally, if I may add. She asked me if you were sick." Oliver
seemed to ignore both the question and the tone and went for a frontal
attack instead. "I told her that you just ate too much." He stopped and
looked sharply at Daniel. Two men stared at each other for few seconds
before Oliver let out an annoyed growl.
"It's been *four years* Daniel." Oliver wasn't shouting, his voice was low,
monotone, he seemed to be spitting every word,
"I understand that the whole atmosphere of this place keeps reminding you
about what happened but it's not even ridiculous now. It's pathetic! Mum
noticed, even Jon mentioned that you don't look well and you know the best
that at every family gathering his mind is on another planet. It gets worse
with every Christmas." He stopped for a second and shaking his head
slightly, sighed "Four years and you still grieve like it was yesterday."
Daniel'd learned a long time ago that when Oliver was in lecturing mode it
was the best to nod and ignore but the last sentence eared a fierce response
"I'm not grieving anything." He couldn't leave it, grieving meant that he
cared and he didn't of course.
"Fine, right, you are just angsting, remembering, sulking. That's definitely
not grieving. Silly me."
Daniel spun on his heels and for a second considered leaving but then
decided against it. Knowing his brother he'd probably follow him and make a
scene and that was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He took a deep
breath and turned around, trying to be as calm as only Jones' could. "What
the hell do you want from me? I just hate Christmas and you know it"
"No. You never... you always loved Christmas, Daniel. Remember how we were
kids, you me and Jon? How we loved to celebrate it? We used to sit with
mum..."
"Jesus, what is it, It's Your Life? We were kids! We were different!"
"*You* were different. Everything changed since..."
Daniel's eyes widened and he felt for a moment he felt he was going to panic.
He knew deep inside that saying or not saying it couldn't change the fact
that it happened but it would shred the rest of the illusion that maybe this
year's post-Christmas depression wouldn't come "Don't you dare to finish
that sentence! I don't need that, not today, not from you!" he shouted much
louder than he intended and immediately got scared that someone might hear
them arguing and check what was going on.
Oliver didn't have that problem he was just offered a challenge and this
was something he never turned down. He took a one decided step in Daniel's
direction until there was an inch of space between them. If Daniel decided
to punch him for what he was about to say then fine, he wasn't willing to
back off. "Since you and Darren broke off." He said slowly observing a sudden
change in Daniel's behaviour. Instead of launching himself at Oliver he saw
as Daniel pressed his back to the door, searching for the weak support that it could offer.
"God you... damn it... you had to..." he stuttered, wondering how could he be
so stupid to begin this discussion in the first place, he should have listened to what Oliver had to say, agree, apologize and leave, now he would have to
actually listen and defend himself, like he was the one that was guilty. "We
never broke off, we were never together to begin with."
"As for a couple of people, that weren't involved with each other you both
took that not-break up pretty hard."
"It wasn't my fault. It was Darren. He imagined things that weren't there,
he was the one that wrecked the rest of the friendship we had left. I wanted
us to be friends, music partners, but he just had to destroy it. He was..."
Dan searched for a right word to describe the anger, the anguish, everything
he had been put through because Darren misunderstood some signs he was
giving. "...irrational."
"That's not what you told me the other day, remember? You said that you felt
guilty for using Darren and that you actually miss..."
"I know what I said!" Daniel interrupted him sharply, no longer caring for
either somebody noticing or Oliver. He just wanted to get out of there and
go to sleep. Perhaps, with a bit of luck, when he woke up it would be May.
"I shouldn't have that conversation with you then. I was a little drunk,
said things I didn't mean. Hell, I still don't remember half of that
conversation. Ok, I do feel guilty, maybe if I acted differently it all
would be different. Or maybe it would all be the same. Does it matter now,
after all the damage done? Let's finish the subject and go back before they
start to ask questions."
"No."
"What!? Why 'no'?!" Irritation turned into anger and Daniel had to mentally
stop his fist from making a contact with Oliver's jaw. He didn't need to
face people's questions why he had beat his brother almost in front of the
whole family. "Did you decide that you wouldn't have happy holidays without
depressing me even further? Well, you did it, congratulations, I feel like
shit."
Oliver let out a short, not-happy-at-all laughter "You felt like that
before you came to this house. I'm sorry but I just can't look as my brother
spends every Christmas hiding and then getting drunk over something that,
as you claim, didn't matter. You want to spend rest of your life crying over
how horrible Darren is and how much you hate him? Well, I've got some news
for you, mister, you are not so innocent and faultless as you might want to
think. You just don't fuck someone for several months and then pretend it
was nothing."
The last sentence felt like a slap. Daniel stared at his brother for few
tensed seconds, not believing in what he'd just heard, then turned around
opened the door sharply and left. If Oliver wanted to make a scene fine, he
could run after him screaming 'fag', Daniel couldn't care less. He was
angry, his brother's words stinging worse than ever. Of all people he
thought that Oliver was the one to understand what Darren did to him. He
was there those four years ago, he heard everything, he knew and now, after
all this time Daniel found out in a rather unpleasant way that all this time
he was secretly holding his ex-partner's side. This was much too much
information for one evening.
He managed to avoid his family while returning to the room that used to be
his and now, since he was spending a whole week at his parents house, became
his once again, and sat on the bed. He was rather surprised to find out that
even if he moved out almost ten years ago, the room didn't change as much as
one could suspect. The same old squeaky bed, a desk he wrote his first songs
at, even an old Rolling Stones poster he used to masturbate to still hung on
the wall. He didn't know if it was a bad or a good thing, considering that
Oliver's room was now his father's office while Jon's had been turned into
another guest room. He decided that it was a perfect subject to analyze,
much better than those infamous events that took place in this room a
Christmas day four years ago or his recent fight with Oliver.
With a mental image of Mick Jagger pouncing on his bed he closed his eyes,
trying to chase the memories away.
When Daniel woke up he was surprised that not only had he fallen asleep in
his clothes, he couldn't remember doing so. Normally, after having a fight
or being upset by someone he had a tendency to reply everything in his mind,
analyzing and inventing come-back lines he should have used. That was the
main reason why on the tour he was always so sleepy. Constant quarrels with
Darren, listening to his complains about everything that in his mind was not
perfect enough for such a star as he thought he was and the stress itself
nearly killed him. That's funny, the same things had been happening on the
first tour and that didn't bother him back then. Of course back then Darren
and him didn't try to put a knife in one another’s backs.
Daniel realized with a shudder that once again he started to think about
events that brought him to that point exactly four years earlier. Oliver was
right in one thing, it was this place, the atmosphere, it was like a journey
in time, he just waited for Darren to appear on his doorstep and announce
that they needed to talk. He had considered not coming this year, sensing
that as always he'd spend the whole Christmas sitting on the couch, using
monosylables to communicate and having flashback after flashback but he also
knew that he owed something to his parents. They saw him so rarely that
this one day a year he could swallow his selfish needs and behave like the
good son he was.
Daniel sighed loudly and decided that the only thing he needed to think
about at the moment was a shower and some fresh clothes to change. He looked
at the clock to see what time it was and observed with a slight shock that
he had slept for almost ten hours, much more than he could remember doing in
ages. He was sure that he napped for an hour top, not for the whole night
long. Why hadn’t anybody come to wake him and why didn’t Oliver crawl in the room
apologizing for being a bitch and hurting his younger brother's feelings? He
laughed aloud when he imagined that scene. He kept laughing even when
Oliver's features blurred, green eyes turned blue and his hair became few
tones darker.
Darren Hayes on his knees, the only appropriate position for him.
This was something new. The last time Daniel remembered joking of his
ex-partner and not feeling grim immediately afterwards was when they were
still friends, at the beginning of his career with Savage Garden. It was
both exiting and scary at the same time- did someone give him drugs when he
was asleep? Or maybe he went insane and didn't notice.
He took a shower, dug some fresh clothes from the bottom of his suitcase and
decided to see a sunrise from the porch. A pleasure he denied himself for
far too long, he observed with a mental chuckle. Everyone was asleep so he
tiptoed to the kitchen, grabbed himself a can of beer and decided to enjoy
the goofy feeling inside while it lasted.
Daniel sat down on the bench fixed to the wall at the back of the house. He
savoured with all the senses everything that surrounded him, sounds, smells,
and grinned when he discovered that instead of pain they brought only
good memories. Yes, he did love Christmas when he was little. It all changed
because of Darren's decision. Why then, why *Christmas*, why not Valentine's
Day for example, he disliked this holiday anyway so it would be easier to
accept this date. Darren's timing had really sucked in this case.
Memories came again. Those were never welcome but this time Daniel didn't
try to fight them. He took a swig from a beer can then put it on
the ground. It was too early too drink, besides, he needed all his strength
if he wanted to win. So how was it? Ah, yes, four years and few broken
friendships ago...
He had been almost home alone, his whole family had taken a trip to the
center to simply enjoy the Christmas with other holiday-obsessed people.
Almost meant that Oliver was home as well, he had caught a flu earlier that
week so he was ordered to stay, Daniel's excuse in their mother's opinion
was much more serious, after months of touring Daniel was so exhausted that
he could fall asleep the moment his body made contact with something solid,
whether it was a chair or a floor. They were in the middle of entertaining
themselves with drinking and watching TV, when the doorbell rang. Daniel was
sure that it was his family coming back from the town so he was rather
shocked to find Darren standing at the porch, smiling lightly.
They went straight to his room, as his friend announced that he had some
serious matters to discuss with him. Daniel couldn't remember why had he
decided to take him there instead of the living room, why hadn't he told
Oliver that they had a guest, why he told Darren that everyone left and
forgotten to mention that his brother was home. Maybe he got distracted by
Darren's weird behaviour. His friend looked lost, he kept biting his lower
lip, something he did only when he was really uncertain, his fingers
absently playing with the cuff of his shirt. He had offered Darren something
to drink, Darren refused. He had asked what was wrong...
Darren's lips were tasting of strawberries and reminded him of girls he had
kissed in the past but fingers that had dug in his scalp definitely belonged
to a man. After few minutes Daniel finally managed to push Darren away for
long enough to inhale some air to his lungs.
They had looked at each other, both flushed and breathing hard. Finally
Daniel had started to laugh "Jesus, Darren, don't tell me that you can't
live without it for more than a week."
Darren had looked away, slightly embarrassed and Daniel remembered that he had
thought then how beautiful Darren looked then. That was the last time he had
ever thought something like that about his partner. This was a turning point
in both of their lives but back then, it was only a visit of a horny friend.
Everything had changed the moment Darren opened his mouth to speak.
"Not without it, without *you*. I didn't come here to have sex Danny. I came
to make love to you. I love you." He stated it simply and flashed Daniel one
of his famous diva's smiles.
Daniel was sure he had misunderstood. "Could you repeat that?" he asked
Slowly.
"Yes. Daniel, I love you," the singer's smile had broadened, "and I know that you
love me too."
Daniel was surprised that his legs had managed to support him but yes, he
was sure that he had been standing when Darren had wrapped his arms around
his waist and had started to whisper words of affection straight into his
ear. Daniel could recall every word, every gesture even if back then the
only thing he had heard was his own heartbeat as he tried to figure any reply
to this. He had loved Darren back then, yes but in a way he loved Oli or
Jon, well, maybe not exactly the same way, some things he would never do with
his brothers but the point was, that apparently they felt for each other
something different. Until that day he had never considered anything
romantic or everlasting with Darren, it was pure sex on his part, a way to
express his feelings to a friend that couldn't do anything in fear of being
caught.
He had put his arms on Darren's shoulders and shoved him off, much harder
than he intended. The dead silence that filled the room had been deafening.
"I think you must have misunderstood me. I don't love you like that Darren,
we are not going to be together, never." Daniel's voice had been calm, cold
even.
Darren had stumbled backwards, his face full of disbelief and shock
"But... but you *have* to love me, you... we... Danny," he pleaded, his voice
breaking. "You must, we are perfect together, we are soul mates, we..."
"We're nothing, Darren." Daniel interrupted him sharply "Where did you get
that idea from?"
Darren hadn't responded. His cheeks were red with anger and his eyes, even
if full of nears, narrowed dangerously. "You son of a bitch," he hissed. "You
bastard, all this time, I thought that I meant something for you but I was
just a cheap, clean fuck."
"Now wait a..."
"Shut the fuck up!" Darren had looked hysterical, he started to scream at
Daniel, calling him names, questioning years of friendship and trust. Most
of those accusations were ridiculous to Daniel who struggled between
disbelieve and rage. He had remained silent, his fingers curling into
fists as Darren half screamed, half sobbed the litany of curses. Finally he
had had enough, he hadn't known what Darren wanted from him but he didn't feel guilty of not being in love with Darren.
Suddenly, Darren had frozen as he were, his jaw opened wide, eyes fixed
upon a spot somewhere behind Daniel's head. Daniel had turned his head
slowly to be confronted with nobody else but his own older brother staring
at them with a mix of shock and diffidence. The three men had continued to stare
at each other, none of them sure what to say. Finally Oliver had decided
that it was enough. "Danny, what is Darren talking about?" Daniel realized
that his brother had to have heard the whole fight, that he knew what they had
been doing and expected an explanation. He had never felt so weak in his
entire life, not earlier, not later when he had to pretend in front of the
nearly whole world how Darren and he were still good friends while all they
wanted to do was to throw the other into the nearest ocean. His usual calm self
disappeared and all that left was a pure rage. Without any warning Daniel's
fist had made a quick, crashing contact with Darren's jaw. The singer had
stumbled and fallen backwards, some blood flowing out of his nose and pooling
over his upper lip.
This was the defined end of their friendship, Savage Garden and Daniel Jones' love for Christmas.
That was also the way Oliver had found out about that 'relationship' he had
with Darren. His brother turned out to be surprisingly understanding, he had
assured Daniel that everything would sort out and that he was sure that
Darren would understood. He hadn't. The Affirmation tour was a pure torture,
Daniel still cursed himself that he agreed to do it. Lee, one of his
closest friends, a man that opinion like nobody's else’s mattered to Daniel,
was giving him a silent treatment. Ben took Daniel's side while Karl decided
that it wasn’t his business and matter of factly tried to stay away from any
of them as often as possible. It was an open war, everything was allowed to destroy
the enemy. As if that wasn't enough Darren started to fuck with everything
that moved, not caring about his career anymore. Sneaky was freaking out
every time any of them accidentally found himself in the same room with
another member of the band, as it usually turned into a brawl. Some band
they were...
"Living the moment again Daniel? I think I told you to stop."
Oliver stood next to the bench, his palms hidden in the pockets of his
black trousers, his eyes fixed on some not-existing point at the top of
Daniel's head.
"No, I'm..." Daniel wondered what should he say to his brother. He was still
angry at him for yesterday, he might have been right but that didn't gave
him any right to say those things he said. Why family members thought that
they had the right to hurt and that you should be grateful for the pain you
received from them. Daniel sighed loudly. "Wanna tell me why are you up at
this hour?"
He received no answer, so he simply patted a space next to him, encouraging
his brother to sit down. Oliver did so obediently but Daniel observed that
he kept the safe distance between them and that meant he suspected that his
brother was angry at him. He decided to listen to what Oliver had to say.
"I'm sorry about yesterday, I... I don't know what got into me, I guess I
just couldn't look at how you suffer so I acted the worst possible way," he
looked up at Daniel, guilt written all over his face. "I thought that if I
screamed at you, you'd start to act reasonably. I forgot that despite the
cool way you act, you do have feelings."
There was a silence for few seconds. Finally Daniel decided to ask the
question he knew should be asked yesterday "Tell me Oliver," he started
slowly, carefully arranging the words into a sentence, "do you really mean
it when you told me that it was partly my fault?"
Oliver tensed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I know the best how
Darren treated you for all those years, how much you suffered because of
him. It was a stupid thing to say."
"That's not what I asked." He could sense Oliver getting stiff even further
"I asked you do you believe that it was partly my fault. Don't apologize,
just tell me what you really think. I deserve a little honesty in my life."
"I..." Oliver ran his fingers through his hair, trying to somehow calm
himself down this way. He knew that he had hurt Daniel, even if he didn't
plan that. Big brother fought for few seconds with man- lie to protect
Daniel or tell the truth and add some more pain but grant his wish. Maturity
won "I think that Darren should have said how he felt when he started to
fall in love or whatever it was on his part," a deep breath, "he shouldn't try
to blackmail you into loving him back when he understood that you felt
nothing but..."
"But?"
"But you shouldn't have found yourself in that point to begin with. You knew
how he was about sex and commitments, you knew that sex for him was never
just physical. You knew but you've chosen to be blind."
Daniel swallowed everything his brother told him, although it was a little
hard. He felt numb. When his brother became so wise and why it took him
nearly four years to tell him that. Six a.m., perfect hour to be confronted
with his whole life.
Silence stretched from seconds to minutes and when Oliver thought that he
had just ruined his relationship with his brother, Daniel started to speak.
"You know why I've chosen to be blind?" he asked silently, suddenly afraid
that someone might overheard their conversation "I did it for the band. You
know that Darren was... is gay. This isn't something you admit publicly if
you want to be a pop star. I never told you this but I was the one that
started all this." Daniel could feel the questioning eyes upon him. He had
told Oliver that he and Darren had sex few times but he never said how it
had begun, now he was about to reveal it. It was too late to back off now. "I
proposed that to Darren, that I might take care of his *needs*, so he would't have to find himself somebody else to do it. I
never realized what it had to be like for Darren."
He laughed bitterly, blinking away few tears that formed in the corner of his
eyes "Think about the irony, straight guy proposes to his gay mate he will
have sex with him and doesn't consider even once that this guy might feel
attracted to him. Freud must be turning in his grave."
Oliver threw him undecided look "That's something new, you never told me
this."
"No. Does it change anything?"
"I guess not much." Oliver rubbed a palm over his face "Christ, this is an
ungodly hour. Let me guess, you couldn't sleep."
Daniel shook his head, a tiny smile appearing in the corner of his mouth
"No, actually I slept very well."
"You did?" Oliver couldn't hide his surprise. "How come, you usually
suffers insomnia after a fight plus today..." he stopped, he didn't need or
want to remind anyone what anniversary was today. They both knew it too well.
"I don't know. Funny thing actually, I woke up after a good night sleep, no
nightmares, no waking up in the middle of the night to angst. And You know what? For the first time in year I felt really happy. Like
someone took a large burden out of my shoulders and threw it away. I could
think about Darren and didn't feel anger or sorrow. It was weird." He looked
straight into his brother's eyes. "I told you something I told nobody about,
I didn't care how it might look like to you or how would you judge it. I
wanted to tell you. I believe it's all benefits of yesterday's quarrel,
that somehow I felt guilty for all that happened, only was so furious at
Darren, that I refused to acknowledge it. I put the blame entirely on his
shoulders." Daniel's pride stung him when he was saying that but he knew
that if the healing process was ever to complete he needed to face his
demons.
Savage Garden was no more. His friendship with Darren was no more. Lee didn't speak to him. Only pieces left of his career. He lost so much that
admitting truth, even the most painful one, seemed like a big step straight
into the bright future.
Oliver once again decided to surprise him. He put his arm around his
brother's shoulder and pulled him closer. "Think about the bright side," he
chirped happily. "You just put behind you the whole shitty past. Maybe Darren
is having the same problem as you here, maybe he'll apologize to you."
"Sure and cows will learn to fly."
Oliver frowned. "God, that would be messy." They both laughed.
A few hours later Daniel found himself home alone with only a dog to accompany
him. Oliver managed to convince everyone including him that Daniel *had* to
stay home, since Daniel suffered of a digestive problems since yesterday. He
was wrong, Daniel didn’t feel this good in a long time but seeing his brother’s
determined expression he decided to stay home, although he had a feeling
that Oli was up to something.
He was in the middle of some horribly sweet Christmas special when the
doorbell rang. He turned off the TV gratefully and nearly ran to open the
door and greet some company but what he saw there made his heart stop
beating. For a moment Daniel thought that he fell asleep on the couch and
this was just a dream, a nightmare.
Here, on his very own doorstep stood Darren Stanley Hayes, smiling sweetly
at him, his clothes, hair and even the atmosphere around him perfect to the
line of absurd. Daniel needed to dig his fingers into his thigh because of
the sudden urge to punch that idiotic grin out of his former partner. He was
having the worst flashback in his life and he didn't like it.
"Hey, may I come in?" The silence was the only answer he got. "I came to
talk. It's Christmas after all, time of forgiveness." The smile turned from
friendly to bitter as Daniel did nothing but stared at him, his eyes dark
and unreadable. Despite his earlier soul searching he was after all facing
the same man that he still hated more than he thought possible but
remembering the promise he gave to himself about putting past in the past he
steeped aside, giving Darren space to come in.
The singer looked around. "Didn't change that much since I was here last time" he
informed Daniel.
"Cut the crap talk, Hayes" he nearly hissed the words, Darren's careless
attitude getting to his nerves. "What the hell do you want?"
"I want to apologize" came a calm response "You might not believe it but I'm
sorry for what happened, for the way I acted. May we talk?"
Daniel inhaled sharply some air, this whole thing was annoyingly absurd.
"You think that a simple 'sorry' will compensate for that shit you put me
through?"
"No but that's always a start."
Daniel contemplated this word for few seconds. Isn't that what he wanted, a
fresh start? Four years ago his life changed, wasn't it possible that today
was the date of another breakthrough? He led Darren to a living room and
offered him a sit.
"You alone." Darren stated grimly, they both feeling the anxiety of this
situation. Alone, meant that there was nobody to hold them if the decided to
kill each other.
Daniel decided to ignore it and cut straight to the chase. "What changed?
Why now? You are not exactly a forgiving type."
Darren stared straight into Daniel's eyes but there was challenge in them. "You
broke my heart, Daniel. I wanted to make you feel like I felt."
"So you decided to break my life."
"Yes but..." he shifted uncertainly and took a deep breath to calm himself
down. "I've met someone, he made me happy, healed all the wounds. I know it's
not an excuse but I thought I'd never love again, wanted you to suffer cos
you had your heart intact, I had nothing."
Daniel rose lifted skeptically "Ah, so this wonderful guy made you realize
that you hurt me? How nice of him."
"Yes, he's very nice." Darren got a dreamy look on his face, which made
Daniel rather uncomfortable. They were here to talk about Darren's
behaviour, not about his wonderful new boyfriend. "Dan, I know that it won't
fix anything but I needed you to hear it. I'm truly sorry for everything
that I did. Forgive me."
Now was Daniel's turn to speak. He had few options some of them less
civilized then the others but they all had a one shared point- Daniel's
guilt. He was telling the truth when he told Oliver that he felt partly
responsible for all this. Maybe if that proposition never left his mouth
they would be still good friends and Savage Garden would exist.
"Fine." He said after few minutes "I forgive you but I don't forget. There
is still too much between us."
"Yes." Darren was beaming non the less. "I know but I promise that I'll make
everything up to you. Now... there is just one more thing..."
Daniel tensed again, of course, there always was 'one more thing'. "What is
it?"
"We both know that it was my fault that you left Savage Garden and this is
one of those things I *can* fix."
"You want to reactivate Savage Garden?" Daniel knew he heard well but it was
still a shock when Darren nodded his confirmation. He didn't see that coming.
Darren's appearance on his doorstep to offer his apologies was one thing but
this?
"Daniel, you ok? You seem a little..." Darren's voice seemed to be coming
from miles away, the last words slowly making their way into Daniel's brain.
Savage Garden...
reactivating...
That... whore!
"Get out! Get out now!!" Daniel practically jumped from the sofa, his hand
pointing the at door "Get out and never return you bitch!"
Darren's surprise must have been bigger than ever because instead of
reacting to the insulting substantive he reacted to the meaning itself
"What? Why?"
"Why? Why?!" Daniel was so furious he saw red. He had to use all his
strength not to launch himself at Darren and scratch those pretty eyes out
of his pretty face. "You are worse than a whore, that's why! I really
believed you when you told me that you felt sorry and all you really
wanted..." he made a wide, sweeping gesture, "you wanted Savage Garden back!
Your solo career turned out to be a disaster so you thought you could charm
me into another album. Guess what," he spat, "I'm not buying this. You are
nothing more than a whore to me, you were willing to sell yourself to me,
play a good boy, let me fuck you again, all for fame and money."
Darren went pale "No, it's not like that! I only wanted to..."
"Get out before I hit you again. There is no Oliver to hold me down this
time, you wouldn't escape."
None of them thought about the irony. Four years back it was Darren who was
screaming his frustration like a madman, now he was the only one in the room
that was thinking clearly. Seeing that there was obviously nothing he could
do to calm Daniel he stood up slowly, just in case keeping a distance
between them. "Fine I'm going." He looked down at his shoes. "I guess I
deserved it."
"No, you deserved much more. Now get yourself out from my life,
*permanently*. And kiss your imaginary boyfriend from me!" He shouted as
Darren closed the door behind himself.
When his family arrived some time later Daniel calmed himself enough to
pretend that nothing interesting happened during their absence. He didn't
notice weird looks that Oliver kept shooting in his direction, so he was
rather surprised when his brother led him to his room and asked "So, you want
to tell me something?"
Daniel's felt as his stomach turned "What are you..." and then realization
hit him. It was Oliver that insisted that he'd stay at home, it was him
that knew about everything "You! You knew he'd come! You both planned
this!"
Oliver stared at his brother for few moments "Ok, I don't get it, what did
he say? Didn't he come to apologize?"
"Oh damn it! You are so naive, Oli, like a five year old. He used you, like
he had used me. He's a bitch and I told him that." There was a slight
triumph in his voice. He did what was needed to be done and his brother
was stupid enough to believe in whatever lies Darren told him, it was his
problem. Daniel was cleansed of the singer forever. When non the less
Oliver demanded details, he told him everything, from the beginning to the
end.
Oliver's reaction was a surprise. His brother sat down on the bed, tears
pooling in his eyes "You idiot, what have you done."
Daniel didn't care about the insult "What was necessary." He answered calmly.
"Darren was and is still interested in one thing - fame. He made me his
slave once, now I see that he tried to make one out of you too."
"No, Danny, he didn't make me do anything, *I* made *him*."
That was an amount of absurd that Daniel didn't hear in a long time... since
his talk with Darren hours ago that is. "Why did you do something like
that?"
"For you! 'Cos I had enough of seeing my younger brother living in the past
every bloody day! I wanted you to be happy!" he looked up, "I asked him to try
again, he didn't want to but we convinced him."
"We?"
"Me and Lee"
"Wait." Daniel tried hard to understand what his brother was saying, "and
what has Lee to do with all this?"
Oliver's jaw twitched "Because they are together. As a couple."
Now it was Daniel's turn to sit down. Lee? Of course, why not? He was the
only member of the band that could stand Darren's mood swings and star-acts
with a straight face. He was short, not too pretty but not too ugly, with
the ability to forgive that Daniel saw only with Mother Teresa, he was
perfect for a self-absorbed diva Darren was. He'd never try to steal Darren's spotlights, they wouldn't fight about the time each of them spends in the bathroom. Perfect.
That still didn't explain how and why Oliver did it.
"Fine, explain it to me, from the beginning."
Oliver sighed trying to recall events of the past weeks. "Ok, it started a
few months back, before Darren released his first single. Ben called me,
saying that Darren contacted Karl and him to apologize."
"And why they didn't they called me?"
Oliver smirked. "Because every time you heard his name you were ready to
kill." True enough.
"Anyway, I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't do anything stupid so I went to
see him."
"Wait" Daniel interrupted his brother once again. "You went to States?"
"Yeah but instead of Darren I met Lee. We talked a little. He told me that
Darren regrets what he did to you but wasn't ready to meet you just yet. So
weren't you. You... you hated each other for so long, would you listen to
him? Would he tell you what he wanted without being emotional? We kept in
touch. Finally we'd decided that you are ready. He wanted to apologize
before Christmas but before it happened..."
Oliver didn't need to finish, Daniel knew what he was about to say "...I
told you I missed Savage Garden..." he cut in.
"...so we've convinced Darren that he owns you that, that this would be some
way of repaying you for everything he'd done."
Daniel felt numb. He got the best Christmas present ever- a second chance, a
possibility to forgive and he had ruined it all. Maybe this was only for the
better, if he couldn't trust Darren about the smallest thing, if he was able
to call him names and throw him out of the house not feeling even the
slightest remorse, how could they cooperate? Santa Claus must have been
laughing his fat arse off.
"Oli, next time you'll be talking with Lee, wish him the best from me."
One thing was sure- Daniel Jones hated Christmas.
.end.