- - love - -
i am so scared. scared of what I have, what I want, what I need, and what is yet to come. the only thing that stops fear…is love. the reason i am always afraid is because i am never loved. who would love such a hideous creature as myself. as i realize this the tears slowly drip down my face and soon i cry so much that my eyes become dry with sorrow. all ya need is love. i wish somebody loved me or at least cared about me. ha. like that would ever FUCKING happen. i have all this love to give but nobody will ever return it. i dont even think anybody cares about me.
if only you knew how much you meant to me. now, you mean even more. my feelings are augmented every minute of everyday. you are so oblivious to the fact that i am madly in love with you. you are the most beautiful and precious thing that i have ever seen. you have no idea that i have all these feelings for you. why can eevrybody else figure it out, but you cant??? are you that dense?? or are you in denial because of all that weve been thru? i wish youd figure it out. i'd give anything to hear you utter those three litte words. what did you say? you love me? thats impossible you dont even know that i exist anymore. when i see you i get this amzing feeling like all my worries have disappeared and everything seems to be ok. my face lightens up and i cant stop smiling when im around you. "how do u do it? make me feel like i do" id love to know your little secret.
i wish i could go back to that nite in oct 99 when you held my hand and tld me everything was gonna be alright. i believed you and for a moment the world just seemed to be gone and it was just you and i. alone. together. free from it all. we layed in the bed holding each other closely. you kissed my hand and check and i let out a sigh of relief. i wish i couldve kissed you...i could just imagine. you hate me and never wanna see me again. not like it matters. you dont even talk to me anymore. i dont even exist to you. its so hard for me.
why am i in love with you? why do i remember every little thing weve done together, every word youve ever said, and every date of everything. you have the most gorgeous green eyes, cute smile, little nose that crinkles when you giggle at my jokes. you have such beautiful hair. i love the way you can fall asleep without a care in the world and your ability to act 4 yrs old. you have so much strength and you made me feel so alive. you are so intelligent and mature. you always have the answers. you are so adorable. i remember when youd wear my sweatshirt and snuggle inside it. you looked so happy and free and cute and *sigh* everything.
you are perfect in my eyes and you could do no wrong. i cant find a single flaw. but alas, i have realized after 2 yrs that i can never have you and i must deal with that. you arent right for me but only because im not right for you. there are other fish in the pond... i think. believe me, i am over you. its taken me all of my high school career and the beginning of my college... but i am over you. although if u were to change, id jump at the chance because i will always love you more than anything. alas, this time will not come, so i will just live my life and love you forever. i would do anything for you and if you ever need anything just ask. i must realize that i am not in love with you anymore (although i do love you and care about you) and thats why i am looking for others......i need a person.
I am going to turn and walk away....