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- - venting - -

today is january 9th ... i havent vented in a long long time since ive been majorly busy with work and taking a semester off from jmu. ive been trying to get so much shit done and it has been very hard. i will start writting in here once i get all my shit together ... thanx.

12.7.01i woke up at 7am only to finish my gwrit paper and turn it in at 8. i then proceded to go back to my dorm and sleep til 430ish. good naptime! at about 9 i went to south view for vas's bday party with jeff. man was i drunk there. 9 jello shooters and a cup or 2 of jungle juice. lots of my buds were there so it wasnt too bad. got home around 1230 and realized that my life sucks. why have i been so down lately... i hate depression.

12.6.01the only thing worthwhile talking about it my trip to the shenandoah reginal airport with owen and alexia and goin to the homo potluck. so after my govt class i saw owen and we went to the airport to exchange his ticket. I was laughing so hard when i saw this dinky piece of shit airport... it was hilarious. first of all, it smelled like shit, they had no barbed wire, no real security (2 men in army suits), and the parking lot was smaller than my high school parking lot... man it was funny. so yea, i could rant and rave about how pathetic this so called airport was but it wouldnt be funny to any of you unless you actually went there.
so after the airport we went back to alexias to make food for the potluck. we went to the potluck and i actually had fun. the hosts (cept raul) all went to bed before 1230, it was sad. i had some good talks with corby and josh though. it was fun for me and at around 230 i went home and worked on my gwrit paper and didnt sleep much... damn sleep deprivation cuz of finals.

nothing interesting has happened lately so yea.

12.4.01
i went to class and got an 84 on my health test. i slept most of day then i got my mail and got packages from SVA and RIT with apps inside. finally i'll be able to do all that fun stuff. i then went up to the quad and called minka. we talked for a little over an hour. we wouldve talked longer but i was getting dinner so i had to cut things off eventhough im sure she didnt really care. but yea. after dinner owen came over and we went to the dodger. at the dodger i saw brayden and he had just got his lip pierced. i was thinking about how tom kicked me out of his piercing place and so i was determined to get it pierced today. so owen and i went to alleycats and it cost 45 to get it. i was so afraid that it was gonna hurt like shit but it wasnt too painful. its just sore right now. yup. i came home and saw that my roommate had to get drunk because shes a fucking alcoholic, but yea. then we all watched theres something about mary in katie/marissas room. after that some people came in our room and i was still trying to finish my essay. i finished the essay around 4am and went to bed. nite nite :)

12.3.01
today i feel so weak and hopeless. "i have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give" is exactly how I feel. I dont really wanna talk about it, so lets just say ive had an off start to the week.

i havent had the chance to actually rant in here lately since ive been wicked busy. here is what i did the past two weeks.....as if any of you care

sun dec2 - back at jmu finally
sat dec1 - chilled w. peeps, ryans bday party, clubbin (saw some jmu peeps there)
fri nov30 - left kats house and drove more again
thurs nov29 - drove more distance, met kat, went out with her family, slept
wed nov28 - drove long distance, visited ley and met her friends
tues nov27 - jmu has nasty roach infestation
mon nov26 - meh, jmu shit
sun nov25 - visited minka at work, then went back to jmu after the week-long break
sat nov24 - 8-4 work, then clubbin at velvet w/ ryan, jeannie, mike and minka... met up with a bunch of jmu harmony people
fri nov23 - 8-4 work, reuben pics, went to the mall, saw monsters inc (for the 2nd time) with jeff
thurs nov22 - 8-4 work, thanksgiving dinner w/ family (bro, mom, dad, grandparents on moms side), went to charlies
wed nov21 - work 1130-6, took bro to vans and came out to him, went to outback with heather and my parents ended up bein there... weirdness.
tues nov20 - hung out w/ sean, hung out with eric and my bro, saw monsters inc with alicia b. and eric
mon nov19 - 1130-6 work
sun nov18 - 11-6 work, i honestly dont remember what happened after that...
sat nov17 - chilled w/ sarah and mara, saw charlie at subway, got coffee w/ reuben and we talked about our picture taking plans, had a 5 hr long talk w/ kat.
fri nov16 - visited robinson all day, got to see staley and caton, talked to leddy bout art school, hung out with sarah after school, then met up with josh and mara, later met up with minka and we had loads of fun driving around the ffx cnty prkwy, had a really good talk

11.15.01
i am going home in a few hours and i really got nothing to vent on today since i havent really done anything. i will write more when i get back and update the one person who reads this venting (myself). ok, so i'll see all of you later. have a good thanksgiving break everyone!

11.14.01
today i woke around at 1015 and then said "shit" since i missed my only classes of the day. darn. i had the weirdest dream, but i'll talk about that later. i need to call robinson hs now (those fuckers). be back later.

i called those dumbasses at robinson and apparently they sent my transcript to uva eventhough i didnt even apply there!!! ah, whatever. now maybe i can register for classes. man i cant wait to get the fuck outta here. alrighty, i dont feel like writing anything right now...maybe later. bye

today was a good day and yea thats all i gotta say. it was just plain good. ok.

11.13.01
ok so today sucked ass. my high school never sent my final transcript so jmu wont let me register for spring semester. i was sooooo pissed. eh, but the day got better and so i was happy. I went to a womens studies class where they were learning about "alternative" lifestyles.... aka they needed some dykes to come in and share their experiences and have the class ask us some questions. that was fun. whenever i go to panels like that i feel much more comfortable with my sexuality because i can get it all out. sorta hard to explain, but i just feel releaved. then after that i just chilled in more dorm for a little while listenin to ani in order to calm myself down. then i went to a harmony meeting where we discussed drugs which i thought was somewhat ironic (not gonna say why) but yea it was a funny meeting because every 15 mins everyone would start their own conversations (ive never seen that in a meeting b4) cuz we were all on drugs...hahaha kidding. after the meeting a bunch of us went to the dodger (gay-friendly coffee shop). jeff and i were just sitting there quoting every fucking line from "bring it on" and "american beauty." i think we said the word cunt at least 25 times. im desensitized to that word now whereas b4 i could only here it like once a week and that was even too much. now its like cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, etc... excellent. then raul and i were singin ani songs and that made me feel better although my voice sucks ass and he actually has a decent voice, but anyways. kristina had to leave pretty early so we left and i was back in my dorm around 1045. i needed to work on a 5 pg paper due the next day but instead my friend imed me and we talked for a while and she kept me company cuz my roomie was gone and i kept her company while she was working on a project. damn multitasking. we talked til about 115am and by that time i was very tired and so was she so yea. but i felt better after talking to her. i like online friends because they dont have a preconceived notion of who you are and they dont really judge you. well i mean i judge the cyber-sex crazed individuals because i dont feel the need to do that and they are annoying. but most online people that you talk to more than once are really cool and fun to talk to. i normally dont tell much about myself, but ya know what, i dont really care what she says in return because i need to get it out anyways and its therapeutic...plus im pretty sure she wouldnt stop talking to me cuz shes pretty cool...ok bedtime :-)

11.12.01
its 1am so technically its nov 12th. "you were fresh off the boat from virginia, i had a year in new york city under my belt, we met in a dream, we were both 19, i remember where we were standing, i remember how it felt, 2 little girls growing out of their training bras, this little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws, 2 girls together, just a little less alone, this little girl cries wee wee all the way home...." why is this song so true in every way to me (cept for the fact that im not 19...but close enough). ah, i cant stop listening to that song among others by her. its an addiction i cant seem to break, not that i wanna break it. anyways. my weekend was horrible and im so sick of school. im incredibly stressed in so many ways. im comtemplating every aspect of my life and trying to re-evaluate it all. sigh. all my feelings towards the people i had previous affection for are all gone. its scaring me and im not sure what ive done wrong.

have you ever had this incredibly feeling towards someone new and they know you exist but they dont really know?? like you talk to them... but you barely see them and they dont seem to understand why youre so attached... or they dont know that youre even attached at all. well this chick i know is soo amazing and i'll never get the chance to tell her because well its beyond explanation. itd be way to hard to explain it. i told myself earlier this year that id be truthful to myself and others ... but i cant tell her just yet ... maybe someday. im just not sure how i feel because my feelings have been wacked out recently. this girl is so cool though. shes beautiful and shes like me in so many ways. shes easy to talk to and she is funny. theres just something there that i cant put my finger on. but the thing is, she doesnt live close to me, so when im home from jmu i wont be able to see her and the only time we ever talk is online (occasionally) --- feels way too impersonal. its weird, but i think once i get away from jmu i wont have to worry about her anymore. im sure there are more people at art schools like her. i am so attracted to artistic people becasuse their minds functions differently from most "normal" people. they seem to be smarter, more open minded, nicer, and i love the way they think and analyze. im not talking about everyone, but this is basically what i have seen from artistic individuals. they are poetic and philosophical .... mmm... i love it. i cant wait to go and actually be happy for the first time in my life!! i definately need some happiness in my life because lately ive been filled with sorrow for no reason. i just sit in my room and cry for nothing. its so stupid, but i feel better when i do it. im really tired so i think im gonna go to bed now and i will finish this up after my writing and philosophy classes tomorrow. g'nite cruel world.

yay! my classes are canceled and its 820am. i am in a better mood from last nite because i got the nicest email from reuben. he always has a way of brightening up my day! i love that boy. i am doin better cuz class is canceled so i have time to get my shit together, i get to go home in 5 days, i get to see all my friends who i havent seen since august, and i get to chill with reuben and take pics of him. finally a photo shoot! ok, im gonna get some stuff together and ill write later tonight. see ya on the flipside.

11.11.01
Its 230 am and i am so incredibly pissed at myself and sad. i missed the drag party because i fell asleep and didnt wake up til about 130am. I AM PISSED!!!!! i really need to get out because ive been stuck here all weekend and its making me crazy depressed. I need to get the fuck outta here right now. i think i might take one of my famous latenite strolls to ease the pain. i have nothing to be sad over yet i am always under the weather....yes to those of you psychologists its called depression. but i dont think its just that; its the environment here and the fact that I dont have many friends here. ooh, i talked to my mom about art school and she supports me and will help pay for it so i am crazy mad excited!! i cant wait to get the fuck outta this hell hole of a state. when i got back next week im gonna talk to ms leddy (old art teacher) and have her help me with apps, like slides to choose, a recommendation from her and what schools to apply to. im def. applying to SVA and i need to think of some other schools in case i dont get in... thats why i need leddys help with this. good stuff. im glad that teacher actually likes me cuz i got a high grade on the ib art exam... i got a 6 (highest is 7) and nobody in my class got a 7. hmmm.... ok, so i am being random yet again.

i just got done watching varsity blues with katie and steve. its weird cuz katie and i got in a major fight today and then she randomly IMs me and says that i am right because of what i told her. i knew that i was right... not to be arrogant...but she needs to get her act together and im just here to help. she said that shes sad cuz i wanna leave jmu and that she wanted to get a suite with me next yr. well dont worry katie, i will come and visit next year... i mean i have to come visit my harmony peeps anyways (yay queers). i dont doubt what i wanna do in the least bit. ive doubted for the longest time that jmu wasnt right but i wanted to try it. it isnt for me at all. im not happy here. all i want in life is one of the 2 things... to be happy.. or to be loved. i have never been either. its sad, but life goes on and i struggle day by day to keep things movin on. i decided that i am never gonna drink again. i dont want to drink when i have problems (thats what x is for..hehe) and i dont wanna be an alcoholic again. i hated that time in my life. i was a fucking mess and it was all because of the way you treated me. you'll never read this and even if you do read it I doubt youll get this far anyways. I miss you wayyyyy too much and im so upset that things went the way they did. I remember this year youd park by me and my brother and I would always wait in the car til about 7 just so we could listen to music and what not. I was always so happy when you pulled up right there and smiled at me. youd wave in such a nice happy manner and my day was just that much better because of that little thing.

have you ever noticed how one little gesture can change your entire mood for the better or for the worse. id see you in the hall and if you said hi or smiled or waved i would be smiling the rest of the way down the hall and I couldnt stop smiling. people would look at me like "what the fuck is she smiling for" and id just think to myself that life is great because you knew that i existed for that one moment in time. ah memories. i think when i get the chance im gonna write donw all the things i remember just so i have them. i still have your notes... well i keep all the notes i get because i like to s how people change and progress throughout the years. i loved your notes. although one of the last notes you wrote didnt have a heart or a thing that said "love" .. it was just your name. that hurt me so much. why do i analyze so much? i have no clue. well ... its 5am and I need nicotine in the form of a clove so im gonna go smoke and then sleep probably and i'll write more later in the day..... i need to procrastinate on that damn paper. "procrastination is like masturbation it feels good at first and then you realize youre fucking yourself" - see ya BTW happy 18th bday liz "smelly"

11.10.01
Ok, its 740am and i still havent gone to bed yet so im just gonna rant and ramble about myself not as if anybody gives a rats ass to read this shit. ill be therapeutic for me now. so i am positive that i am gonna go to a photo school next year because i am sick and tired of this fucking school. its not my place... i just dont feel comfortable here and i am so lonely. i have friends and all but not really. its like they are forced friends and i cant stand it. i really need to get away and that is part of the reason i wanna go. i want to do something with my life. i dont wanna wake up every morning and be upset that i have to go to a job that i didnt even want. photo is what i love. i would be happy to get up for work every morning. plus, if i go to a photo school at least a part of me will be happy and i'll actually feel like im learning something and making something outta myself. I know that this rant is exactly the same as the one below but i am just reitterating that fact. damn last nite sucked so bad. i woke up at midnite and i was so bored that i walked around campus for about 2 hours while smoking some cloves. mmmmm cloves... i need to go get another pack. but yea, i kept thinking about so many things and trying to decide if this is the life i want to live. i became very depressed last nite because i kept thinking about you. you never emailed me back. i just wish youd get online. i dont even need to talk to you (thatd be nice), but just to know that youre there. if you IMed me thatd be great... and you havent called me in weeks. I feel alone. so alone. i dunno if i want to even get into this now. but i love you and i will see you soon my dear.....

11.9.01
So I didnt have class today and that was fucking great! And I pulled an all nighter and didnt go to bed til 330pm today. I woke up around 10pm. I really needed the sleep ... helps me deal with some shit. Anyways, I think i'm gonna transfer to a different school. JMU just isn't right for me... don't get me wrong, I like it here, but it just isn't the right atmosphere for me to "flourish" in. I want to go to Art school ... on the east coast. I wanna do something with my life where I will actually be content with it even if I struggle to make some cash. Photo is what I love and thats what I wanna do. If you have any suggestions about which art school I should apply or if you think I shouldn't go to art school Email me. Ok, thats my rant for the day. BTW - Daniel (my cuz), I hope you're doin better. Read my venting on love.

11.8.01
Day 2 of the website. I really need a freaking digital camera so that I can get my friends on this site! Anyways...today was a good day. I went to health class and my teacher was talking about contraceptives and he just randomly pulled out a female condom from his bag and i just thought that was hilarious...ah, life is so great for the easily amused. After health class I slept as usual (since I hadnt slept the previous nite) and woke up around 5 to chat with a friend, then back to sleep til about 9 when I woke up for good. I am so nocturnal; its great! SO Ive been listening to a lot of Ani and today the song i listened to the most was a tie between gravel and 2 little girls. Thanks to kat for showing me the ways of Ani! Well, I feel somewhat confident today and I am just gonna leave on this note.... life is damn good and getting better everyday!

11.7.01
Today I started work on my website...yay! I am really bored and should probably be writing that 5 page paper on the defining image of the 20th century (aka bullshit). Yea, so I really need a scanner or a digital camera so that I can put up my artwork and pictures of my new haircut (I bet you are all excited)! Okay, so today I went to both my writing and philosophy classes then came back and slept from Noon til 8pm....I am so talented. Now I am gonna try and fix this page and go on with my work. BTW, I am doing very well lately....things have been looking up and life keeps moving on.