Warning!!! Bread is extremely Dangerous.

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly

into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming

households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in

the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;

infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in

childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and

influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within

24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been

proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to

suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that

in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low

incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and

osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of

bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as

little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to

"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even

cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body

is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could

lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food

product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees

Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one

minute.

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In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the

following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with

celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may

appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.