Scooby Doo, infomercials, and more! - 8/4/2001
It seems lately I have been watching the worst possible shows on tv. First of all, SCOOBY DOO. This poorly animated drug-referenced monotonously-plotted cartoon is something I usually wouldn't watch, even if all the other channels were broke. But lately I've been watching it, sometimes an entire episode at once! Something is probably wrong with me, especially since I've almost completely memorized the opening theme song. Maybe it's just because it comes on right after Power Puff Girls and I'm too lazy to move away from the tv or change the channel. Oh and PPG was sad today. There was a new Power Puff Girl, her name was Bunny and she was really big and had messed up teeth. She beat up a bunch of criminals, but after that she exploded and DIED. I couldn't believe it. At the end the narrator was crying.
Also, I usually go to sleep around 2:00 or 3:00am. And I watch tv before then. For some reason, who knows why, but I've been watching infomercials. For Miss Cleo.....two days in a row. Ugh! Now this is something I don't understand. Cleo is supposed to be like one of the best psychics in the world and knows everything just by asking your name and birthday. So why is she making nationwide commercials practically begging people to call her? You'd think with that kind of "psychic power" she'd only help celebrities who are willing to pay $500 a minute to talk to her. You know what though? It'd be funny to play a prank. If I did, it would go something like this:
Me: Hi.
Cleo: Hey there darling, tell me your name and birthday and I'll give you your free reading.
Me: My name is Quagmire and my birthday is April 20th, 1969.
Cleo: Oh my! A frisky one you are.
Me: There's something I want to tell you....
Cleo: Let me get out your tarot cards. Whoops, I thought I already took the joker card out of the deck. Hold on a sec...
Me: I love you....you're my wildest sexual fantasy Miss Cleo.
Cleo: Your reading says that you....WHAT?!?
Me: I tape your commercials and watch them over and over, and when I do I'm perpetually masturbating.
Cleo: (gasping for breath)
Me: I want to come down to the radio station from which you are currently broadcasting. How I yearn to meet you and do unmentionable things with your turban!
Cleo: Oh, glorious day! Now I can retire of this fake psychic network and will no longer have to advise these pathetic losers!
Me: Guess what else?
Cleo: What is it my love?
Me: I was joking. I've been pulling your leg this whole time. Did you seriously think I was attracted to you? That is so funny....I think I shall laugh at that. Ha ha ha!!
Cleo: Why you evil, vile, bit**y f***ing sh**head piece of mother f***ing a**hole!! Just for that, I'm not going to give you advice on your love life! In fact, I'm going to tell my comrades from the psychic friends network never to help you either. Now you shall be forever punished by being no longer able to contact us with your pathetic problems! Hoo-hah!
Me: Oh no. Woe is me.
*beeeeeeep*
Wouldn't that be fun? Anyway I want to bring up some other stuff in this diary. Has anyone ever used umbrellas? They're pointless! Whenever it rains people are holding umbrellas so they can walk from their house to the car and won't get wet. What difference does it make! It's not like it rains battery acid, it's only water. Your body is 90% of it anyway. Oh well, life is weird. And also, have you ever noticed in cereal commercials, the kid always pours a glass of milk, AND a glass of orange juice? Nobody does that! I think that's enough writing in my awesome diary. Bye bye.
Pokémon! - 8/7/2001
As you may have guessed by the title, I saw Pokémon: The First Movie today. I don't watch movies very often, especially at home. In the theater it's a lot more comfortable. Sure, it may be cold, and the chairs aren't as comfy as the ones at home, and you can often feel your shoes touching some sticky liquid on the floor that you HOPE is soda. But in a theater you are forced to watch the movie the whole time, which is actually quite comforting. At home you might feel the urge to walk away from your tv, so you can take a piss, teach yourself the banjo, or stare at the chandelier on the ceiling and pretend there's tiny little men dancing and jumping on it. Not only that, but at home you don't get boxes of candy that are 30 times larger than the ones you find at the checkout line of the grocery store.
If I were to make a list of the 100 things I love most in the world, falling somewhere between bubble wrap and lava lamps would be my beloved Pokémon. I happen to be an adolescent and male, so you wouldn't THINK I'd have any interest at all in Pokémon. Or at least I'm not supposed to. Due to my age and gender, it seems like if I even say the word Pokémon, people will look at me as though I have a severed penis crammed up my nose. That's okay though, because those jerks don't know what they're missing out on. I've been fascinated by Pokémania ever since April of 1998, when I first heard that some cool-looking Japanese game where you collect monsters was coming to America. In September 1998, I distinctly remember coming in contact with this wonderful breed of pocket monsters for the first time. First was the debut of the tv show, which served mainly as a prelude for the Pokémon Game Boy games. They were to be released in stores on September 28th, and would be coming out in two versions: Pokémon Red, and Pokémon Blue. Weeks before the release of these games I cleverly thought of making the decision NOW as to which version I wanted to buy. Thus saving a four-hour stay in the electronics section at Target. Every aspect of these games was exactly the same, except that there were certain species of Pokémon in the red version that could not be found in the blue version, and vica versa. After careful planning and hours spent examining the Pokémon section in my Nintendo Power magazine, I reluctantly decided to get the blue version. Why? Because it had Caterpie! This string-shooting son of a bitch was able to take out all three members of Team Rocket in the cartoon, so why wouldn't he have similar success in the game? I later discovered that BOTH versions contained Caterpie, it was just that in the blue version Caterpie were more abundant. But that's beside the point. The point is that once I was able to get my grimy little paws on this game I was PUMPED. On the way home in the car, I must have read the back of the box at least 12 times, stared at the pictures, and read most of the instruction booklet while drool glistened on my chin in insane anticipation. I kicked myself for not having brought my Game Boy with me, but I could wait 20 minutes until I got home. Couldn't I? Yes, I did, but not with patience. As soon as I got home I ran to my room, Pokémon game cartridge in hand. You'd think I had farted after pouring gasoline inside my ass, blowing it aflame, and the only possible extinguishment for it was my Game Boy. I started the game, and the first part of it is deciding who you want your first Pokémon to be: Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander. The "be prepared" spirit I had gained from my childhood years in boy scouting paid off once again, as I had already decided in the car that I wanted Bulbasaur. And the rest, as I say, is history.
Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be talking about the movie, aren't I?
(part two of this entry is coming next)
Pokémon! - 8/7/2001
The first thing you should know about Pokémon is that when you're talking about them, singular and plural forms of the names of Pokémon are the same. For example: 1 Pikachu, 2 Pikachu or 1 Charmander, 4 Charmander. Sure, you can get away with saying "Pikachus" without getting the shit kicked out of you, but be warned that we Pokémaniacs will all share a silent giggle at the cost of your idiocy.
Another thing you need to know is this: Pokémon understand Pokémon language; Pokémon understand human language, but humans don't understand Pokémon language. This adds some confusion to the episodes, but at the same time it makes things a lot more entertaining. I'll use parenthesis to show what the Pokémon WANTS to say, and regular text to show how it sounds. Here is what a conversation between Ash and his favorite Pokémon, Pikachu, might look like.
Ash: Hey Pikachu, there's a 300-pound Tauros over there, wanna battle it?
Pikachu: Pika (No way, I'm tired as hell from that battle against Vulpix yesterday)
Ash: Don't mention it Pikachu. I know how much you love battling, I'll let you cut loose here.
Pikachu: Pikachu!! (You idiot, what did I just tell you? I hate this glorified form of cockfighting, I want to retire)
Ash: So why aren't you battling? Tauros is right there! Fine, I'll push you right in front of him. There ya go.
Pikachu: Pika pika!!! (Let me retire you bitch)
Ash: Fight for all you're worth, right now!
Pikachu: PIKA-CHUU!! (Can't you just give me 15 minutes? I need to take a shit real bad, I just ate some Poképellets that didn't agree with me)
Ash: That's the spirit Pikachu!
Pikachu: PIKA PIKA CHHUUUUUU!!!!!
Alright, now we know that humans understand Pokémon about as well as drunken college students understand an incomprehensible German professor. But that's okay, because this movie starts out with a "short" called Pikachu's Vacation. There are no humans involved, except at the end when Ash & the gang come to pick up their Pokémon. The only talking you hear is Dexter the Pokédex, who narrates the whole thing, and Meowth, the talking Pokémon of Team Rocket. Here's what happens: you hear a cool song playing, while a bunch of Pokémon belonging to Ash, Misty, and Brock are wondering off and meet up with a group of wild "bully" Pokémon. At first they hate each other but eventually a Charizard gets its head stuck in a sewer pipe and all the other Pokémon have to work together to pull him out. Cubone is usually lonely and selfish, but it comes to help pull out Charizard and everyone is happy.
Now I'll talk about the movie itself. There have been some great episodes within the 3 years Pokémon has been a tv series in America. The one where Pikachu leaves and then comes back, where Charizard and Ash become friends, and when Pikachu and Caterpie bond as friends and discuss in their own Pokélangage what dreams they have for the future. Those were some of the most heart wrenching scenes I've ever seen on tv. So the movie is going to have high expectations. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it yet, but I'll say I liked it. At the same time though it wasn't entirely satisfying, they didn't get into the characters' personalities and not a whole lot happened in the plot (cool rhyme huh). If you haven't been watching the tv show you'd have no clue what's going on. It was exciting though and if you're a Pokémaniac you'll have to see it.
follow-up on God - 8/7/2001
A few entires ago I wrote a two-part diary on why I believe in God. Apparently some people got pissed. That's not at all what I intended. I never intended to push my beliefs on ANYONE, especially the people I talk to regularly. I didn't write that entry thinking, "gee, I hope people read this and will change their beliefs and convert to Christianity". No, that's not what I meant at all. People should believe what they want, and if they change their beliefs, that decision is theirs alone. What I was trying to do was state my opinion and bring up some ideas that perhaps most people don't think about. That was all. This whole thing just started a big argument involving believers vs. non-believers, which shouldn't have happened. It's ok to talk about God and religion but now it seems like people are being mean. It's a sensitive subject when people have opposing views. We as a community at opendiary have a certain brotherhood, a bond that shouldn't be broken. We should all respect each others' opinions and ideas, no matter how opposed we may be to them. Some famous guy, I don't remember the name said "I may not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". Everyone should have the freedom to say what they think in their diaries but unfortunately it gets personal sometimes. So, I'm sorry to everyone who thought I was pushing my beliefs, and I want to forgive everyone who I thought was pushing their beliefs.
Much love and peace to everyone, or as I like to say....
~Pax
The ABC's of Funny Words - 8/10/2001
aardvark
audacity
balls
beans
beaver
bologna
boobs
blarg
burp
breakfast
chainsaw
cheese
chubby
dollar
duck
earl
erection
fark
fart
flatulence
fork
frankfurter
fred
geek
glue
goofy
hemorrhoid
intercourse
jar
kumquat
large
moron
narshaboo
nipple
poop
potato
prune
qualm
queer
raisin
rip
skipper
spoon
spork
turdlet
umbrella
villavillakula
wally
weasel
x word?....yeah right
yodel
zark
Okay some of these weren't that funny, and some of them weren't even real words, but it's hard to think of a funny word for every letter.
It looks like I finally updated my diary. I hope no one's eyes fell out while staring at the moniter for days, just hoping that someday I would update again. Fear not, because I have.
School started recently and I wasn't happy about that. It wasn't a hard transitition though, when I came to school it felt like I hadn't lost a step from June and school began right where it left off. So that was good. I guess what I did was spend the summer enjoying the days off that I had and not worry about the near future. I didn't really think about school starting so I wasn't dreading it that much. Anyway, I hope this will be the best year. I get out earlier than almost everyone else, which is awesome! Every day I get to leave before 1:00pm. Isn't that just super cool? I think school always sucks but at least now it's shorter. It's been kind of hard so far this year but I think it will get better in about 2 months. There hasn't been much work, in fact I usually have enough time to finish the homework at school so I don't have to do it at home. That's been my strategy for the past 3 years or so. School isn't that bad. Today this mega hot girl talked to me, it was so cool!. And I have this computer class where we're learning to type. The thing I don't like is that the book talks to me like I'm a moron! Okay, maybe there's some truth to that, but I think I deserve some credit. The book in Lesson 2 says stuff like "This is where the space bar is located. It can be used to make a space between letters." So I skipped ahead to Lesson 12 and even then it was really easy since I'm a rad typer. It's boring though and the teacher's desk is right by me so I can't whip out some homework from another class or play Frogger. Oh well at least it's not overly challenging. I have some classes where, get this, they actually make us THINK. That blows! Especially when it's early in the day. That's all I'll write for now. Looking back on this entry it looks pretty boring. But hey, I'm not the one that had to read it, you just wasted your own time. I took 5 minutes of your life and I'm not going to give them back. Hoo-hah!
bad choice - 8/30/2001
Today I made a bad decision. For the past few days I've been kind of sick and today in the morning I was gonna go to school anyway but then I puked a few minutes before I left. I decided to go to school anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time. The bad part was that I didn't realize how late it was so I was tardy. At my school being tardy is a lot worse than being absent so in retrospect I probably should have stayed home. I was feeling kind of sick at the beginning of the day but I tried to just walk it off so I felt better. My day was ok. I had a short conversation with my best friend who I haven't really talked to since January, and today we were supposed to have an assembly at the end of the day, but I just went home early and skipped it. Hoo-hah! I'm a rebel. It was probably a dumb pointless one anyway.
I saw the funniest commercial today that was on during the Wonder Years. It was an Ex-Lax commercial and it was real. This bus driver lady starts out the commercial saying "I was so constipated I could barely drive!" That line was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes. And they're showing footage of her driving the bus and she looks as though she's being whipped in the ass with a bamboo stick. Then she says "so I took ex-lax" and then it shows footage of her being cheerful driving the bus and there's children coming on the bus and she says "good morning!" And then there was a funny part during the Wonder Years when Wayne is talking to a girl he likes on the phone and he asks her out and you don't hear what she says but after that he said "but your hair already looked clean today". It took a little while before I got the joke. I don't know I'm weird. And now I'm going online and typing in my diary. Bye!
Hi - 9/4/2001
I don't have a whole lot to write about lately. But I've been having mood swings. I've been sad a lot lately because of this one problem. I think I'll be able to resolve this whole thing by the end of October or so, hopefully. But until then I'm gonna try to be happy sometimes. Actually a lot of the time I am, I get in this giggly hyper mood where I'm all excited and crap. It's odd. Also I have been sick lately, and until today I couldn't really eat much of anything. Yesterday I was feeling nautious so I made myself throw up, and an hour or so later I felt a little better. I have this friend that told me how to puke on command. You don't need to put anything in your throat but you kind of need to do a gagging thing with your stomach and mouth. It might not work on the first time but for me it worked after about 2 or 3 tries. Oops that was pretty disgusting, wasn't it?
Anyway, it's been 2 weeks since school started. So far I think it's ok but could be better. I have homework already. Ugh! On Thursday my teacher gave us homework that was supposed to be due today, I was sick during the weekend but I probably wouldn't have done it anyway. I was gonna do it yesterday, but I watched 7th Heaven instead. So during some classes I worked on it, hopefully I'll finish it tonight. Oh yeah and guess what else, I got in trouble today. On Thursday we were supposed to go to an assembly at 12:00, but I got out at 11:00 and just stayed at home. My homeroom teacher talked to me and two others kids today about how we skipped out and set a bad example for the 9th graders and shouldn't do it again. That's all I have to say for now. As Animal on Muppet Babies used to say...GOOO BYE BYE!
Me gusta RHCP - 9/4/2001
In 1995, I can remember this crazy band who would dance around and spin the microphone and stuff. I may have them confused with someone else, but at the time I thought they were dumb and didn't like their music. Actually, back then the only band I liked was Offspring, but anyway the one I am talking about is the red hot chili peppers. In recent years they've become more mellow, and now I can actually relate to their songs. Otherside is my favorite song of all time and Californication is my 2nd fav. Ahhh.....how I love your band RHCP. I think they are so cool! I like them even better than 3 Doors Down or Britney Spears. I just wanted to make a diary entry tributing my favorite band, so I won't say anything else today.
Rock on RHCP
killing time - 9/5/2001
Right now I'm just working on killing time. It's hard to explain, but in the meantime I'm doing some cool stuff and learning new things.
The only classes I've ever had at school where I learned anything useful were the religion ones. I don't mean just learning about God and stuff, but about people and philosophies. This week we had a homework thing to do where we read an article that talked about how people always accuse other people of being too judgemental. I won't go into it too deeply but basically the article said is sometimes you have to judge people. If you didn't, everything would be chaotic. Because people would start doing evil things and would justify their actions by saying "don't judge me".
I made a new friend recently and last night we were talking about these sorts of things. It seems like he and I had similar ideas and were having kind of a deep conversation. This is convienent for me because lately I've been looking for people who I can look up to as authority figures on life itself. You don't find many people like that, although I do know some people who I respect because of their attitudes and what they can do to change the world in some way.
Anyway, lately school sucks! I know that's nothing new, but in this one class where we write essays we have to write 4 paragraphs about someone in our grade. I know I can't do it. Because I don't even talk to anyone at school anymore, so how am I supposed to write an essay? First of all, I don't know anything about anyone, and secondly I'd need their permission which I can't do either. We're supposed to do peer editing on Friday, so that day I'm just gonna make an appointment with my counseler to talk about college or something. Ugh.
On the lighter side though, today at school I was in the library and the old nun let out a big wet fart. At first I wasn't sure what the sound was but I'm pretty sure it was that because I don't know what else it could have been, and she acted like nothing happened. I think when you get to be 130 years old you lose most of your hearing and don't know when you fart. I guess now she'll need to change her nunderwear. Get it? Hehe. Also tonight is open house for the parents, I hope the teachers don't say anything bad about me or I'll be screwed up the arse. On that note I'm out, bye bye.
Pax
UGH - 9/12/2001
One thing I want to mention is that the last entry was my 60th one here at opendiary. A great milestone for me. Hoo-hah! Also, today is my half birthday. So happy birthday to me!!
J
I had sort of a good day today. We spent most of the day in school yesterday watching the news. But today it was, as they like to say, business as usual. I did well on a test for religion, and I was happy in my typing class because I did 54 words/minute! And then I beat my own record. Unfortunately I puked 3 times when I got home and it came from deep in my stomach. I have to be careful not to eat too much. Also, it looks as though I've racked up my 12th detention so far at school. I have no idea what I did, but whatever it was happened on 9/5 and my detention is tomorrow.
I've been kind of upset lately about this whole thing, I don't know what's going to happen. I heard there may or may not be a war but I don't know, I'm scared. Exactly six months from today I turn 18, so I could be drafted and have to be shooting people in Afghanistan or something. Some birthday present. That's the problem, I don't think I could ever shoot anyone, and if I did I think it would be hard to live with myself after that. The people I'd have to kill are young men who don't want to be in the army any more than I do. And chances are they're really scared and have families who love them. What are you supposed to do if you're on the battlefield and a foreign soldier raises his hands in the air and says "I surrender", do you shoot him anyway? And what if you see a bloody soldier crawling on the ground and you know he's an enemy, are you supposed to finish him off?
I feel bad for the people who died and I'm worried about the future of our country.
If you think about it, this'll be a classic "where were you when" question. I'll be able to say "I was in homeroom and heard about it at 9:26 and we watched it on tv". Okay maybe that's not very exciting. But I'm really hoping that everything will be ok and I'll pray that there won't be a war, and the people who did this can be hunted down and put in jail for whatever. Then we can put our minds at ease.
If there is a war I've decided I'm going to help in some way or another. Even if there isn't a draft, I'm going to stay in America and do volunteer work or something. I think I owe it to this great nation to be helpful, and maybe it should be considered an honor to help out in any way possible. I don't have anything else to say right now, I'm tired.
May God bless you all
how you can help people - 9/13/2001
www.giveaminute.org