Scooby Doo, infomercials, and more! - 8/4/2001 It seems lately I have been watching the worst possible shows on tv. First of all, SCOOBY DOO. This poorly animated drug-referenced monotonously-plotted cartoon is something I usually wouldn't watch, even if all the other channels were broke. But lately I've been watching it, sometimes an entire episode at once! Something is probably wrong with me, especially since I've almost completely memorized the opening theme song. Maybe it's just because it comes on right after Power Puff Girls and I'm too lazy to move away from the tv or change the channel. Oh and PPG was sad today. There was a new Power Puff Girl, her name was Bunny and she was really big and had messed up teeth. She beat up a bunch of criminals, but after that she exploded and DIED. I couldn't believe it. At the end the narrator was crying. Also, I usually go to sleep around 2:00 or 3:00am. And I watch tv before then. For some reason, who knows why, but I've been watching infomercials. For Miss Cleo.....two days in a row. Ugh! Now this is something I don't understand. Cleo is supposed to be like one of the best psychics in the world and knows everything just by asking your name and birthday. So why is she making nationwide commercials practically begging people to call her? You'd think with that kind of "psychic power" she'd only help celebrities who are willing to pay $500 a minute to talk to her. You know what though? It'd be funny to play a prank. If I did, it would go something like this: Me: Hi. Cleo: Hey there darling, tell me your name and birthday and I'll give you your free reading. Me: My name is Quagmire and my birthday is April 20th, 1969. Cleo: Oh my! A frisky one you are. Me: There's something I want to tell you.... Cleo: Let me get out your tarot cards. Whoops, I thought I already took the joker card out of the deck. Hold on a sec... Me: I love you....you're my wildest sexual fantasy Miss Cleo. Cleo: Your reading says that you....WHAT?!? Me: I tape your commercials and watch them over and over, and when I do I'm perpetually masturbating. Cleo: (gasping for breath) Me: I want to come down to the radio station from which you are currently broadcasting. How I yearn to meet you and do unmentionable things with your turban! Cleo: Oh, glorious day! Now I can retire of this fake psychic network and will no longer have to advise these pathetic losers! Me: Guess what else? Cleo: What is it my love? Me: I was joking. I've been pulling your leg this whole time. Did you seriously think I was attracted to you? That is so funny....I think I shall laugh at that. Ha ha ha!! Cleo: Why you evil, vile, bit**y f***ing sh**head piece of mother f***ing a**hole!! Just for that, I'm not going to give you advice on your love life! In fact, I'm going to tell my comrades from the psychic friends network never to help you either. Now you shall be forever punished by being no longer able to contact us with your pathetic problems! Hoo-hah! Me: Oh no. Woe is me. *beeeeeeep* Wouldn't that be fun? Anyway I want to bring up some other stuff in this diary. Has anyone ever used umbrellas? They're pointless! Whenever it rains people are holding umbrellas so they can walk from their house to the car and won't get wet. What difference does it make! It's not like it rains battery acid, it's only water. Your body is 90% of it anyway. Oh well, life is weird. And also, have you ever noticed in cereal commercials, the kid always pours a glass of milk, AND a glass of orange juice? Nobody does that! I think that's enough writing in my awesome diary. Bye bye. Pokémon! - 8/7/2001 As you may have guessed by the title, I saw Pokémon: The First Movie today. I don't watch movies very often, especially at home. In the theater it's a lot more comfortable. Sure, it may be cold, and the chairs aren't as comfy as the ones at home, and you can often feel your shoes touching some sticky liquid on the floor that you HOPE is soda. But in a theater you are forced to watch the movie the whole time, which is actually quite comforting. At home you might feel the urge to walk away from your tv, so you can take a piss, teach yourself the banjo, or stare at the chandelier on the ceiling and pretend there's tiny little men dancing and jumping on it. Not only that, but at home you don't get boxes of candy that are 30 times larger than the ones you find at the checkout line of the grocery store. If I were to make a list of the 100 things I love most in the world, falling somewhere between bubble wrap and lava lamps would be my beloved Pokémon. I happen to be an adolescent and male, so you wouldn't THINK I'd have any interest at all in Pokémon. Or at least I'm not supposed to. Due to my age and gender, it seems like if I even say the word Pokémon, people will look at me as though I have a severed penis crammed up my nose. That's okay though, because those jerks don't know what they're missing out on. I've been fascinated by Pokémania ever since April of 1998, when I first heard that some cool-looking Japanese game where you collect monsters was coming to America. In September 1998, I distinctly remember coming in contact with this wonderful breed of pocket monsters for the first time. First was the debut of the tv show, which served mainly as a prelude for the Pokémon Game Boy games. They were to be released in stores on September 28th, and would be coming out in two versions: Pokémon Red, and Pokémon Blue. Weeks before the release of these games I cleverly thought of making the decision NOW as to which version I wanted to buy. Thus saving a four-hour stay in the electronics section at Target. Every aspect of these games was exactly the same, except that there were certain species of Pokémon in the red version that could not be found in the blue version, and vica versa. After careful planning and hours spent examining the Pokémon section in my Nintendo Power magazine, I reluctantly decided to get the blue version. Why? Because it had Caterpie! This string-shooting son of a bitch was able to take out all three members of Team Rocket in the cartoon, so why wouldn't he have similar success in the game? I later discovered that BOTH versions contained Caterpie, it was just that in the blue version Caterpie were more abundant. But that's beside the point. The point is that once I was able to get my grimy little paws on this game I was PUMPED. On the way home in the car, I must have read the back of the box at least 12 times, stared at the pictures, and read most of the instruction booklet while drool glistened on my chin in insane anticipation. I kicked myself for not having brought my Game Boy with me, but I could wait 20 minutes until I got home. Couldn't I? Yes, I did, but not with patience. As soon as I got home I ran to my room, Pokémon game cartridge in hand. You'd think I had farted after pouring gasoline inside my ass, blowing it aflame, and the only possible extinguishment for it was my Game Boy. I started the game, and the first part of it is deciding who you want your first Pokémon to be: Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander. The "be prepared" spirit I had gained from my childhood years in boy scouting paid off once again, as I had already decided in the car that I wanted Bulbasaur. And the rest, as I say, is history. Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be talking about the movie, aren't I? (part two of this entry is coming next) Pokémon! - 8/7/2001 The first thing you should know about Pokémon is that when you're talking about them, singular and plural forms of the names of Pokémon are the same. For example: 1 Pikachu, 2 Pikachu or 1 Charmander, 4 Charmander. Sure, you can get away with saying "Pikachus" without getting the shit kicked out of you, but be warned that we Pokémaniacs will all share a silent giggle at the cost of your idiocy. Another thing you need to know is this: Pokémon understand Pokémon language; Pokémon understand human language, but humans don't understand Pokémon language. This adds some confusion to the episodes, but at the same time it makes things a lot more entertaining. I'll use parenthesis to show what the Pokémon WANTS to say, and regular text to show how it sounds. Here is what a conversation between Ash and his favorite Pokémon, Pikachu, might look like. Ash: Hey Pikachu, there's a 300-pound Tauros over there, wanna battle it? Pikachu: Pika (No way, I'm tired as hell from that battle against Vulpix yesterday) Ash: Don't mention it Pikachu. I know how much you love battling, I'll let you cut loose here. Pikachu: Pikachu!! (You idiot, what did I just tell you? I hate this glorified form of cockfighting, I want to retire) Ash: So why aren't you battling? Tauros is right there! Fine, I'll push you right in front of him. There ya go. Pikachu: Pika pika!!! (Let me retire you bitch) Ash: Fight for all you're worth, right now! Pikachu: PIKA-CHUU!! (Can't you just give me 15 minutes? I need to take a shit real bad, I just ate some Poképellets that didn't agree with me) Ash: That's the spirit Pikachu! Pikachu: PIKA PIKA CHHUUUUUU!!!!! Alright, now we know that humans understand Pokémon about as well as drunken college students understand an incomprehensible German professor. But that's okay, because this movie starts out with a "short" called Pikachu's Vacation. There are no humans involved, except at the end when Ash & the gang come to pick up their Pokémon. The only talking you hear is Dexter the Pokédex, who narrates the whole thing, and Meowth, the talking Pokémon of Team Rocket. Here's what happens: you hear a cool song playing, while a bunch of Pokémon belonging to Ash, Misty, and Brock are wondering off and meet up with a group of wild "bully" Pokémon. At first they hate each other but eventually a Charizard gets its head stuck in a sewer pipe and all the other Pokémon have to work together to pull him out. Cubone is usually lonely and selfish, but it comes to help pull out Charizard and everyone is happy. Now I'll talk about the movie itself. There have been some great episodes within the 3 years Pokémon has been a tv series in America. The one where Pikachu leaves and then comes back, where Charizard and Ash become friends, and when Pikachu and Caterpie bond as friends and discuss in their own Pokélangage what dreams they have for the future. Those were some of the most heart wrenching scenes I've ever seen on tv. So the movie is going to have high expectations. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it yet, but I'll say I liked it. At the same time though it wasn't entirely satisfying, they didn't get into the characters' personalities and not a whole lot happened in the plot (cool rhyme huh). If you haven't been watching the tv show you'd have no clue what's going on. It was exciting though and if you're a Pokémaniac you'll have to see it. follow-up on God - 8/7/2001 A few entires ago I wrote a two-part diary on why I believe in God. Apparently some people got pissed. That's not at all what I intended. I never intended to push my beliefs on ANYONE, especially the people I talk to regularly. I didn't write that entry thinking, "gee, I hope people read this and will change their beliefs and convert to Christianity". No, that's not what I meant at all. People should believe what they want, and if they change their beliefs, that decision is theirs alone. What I was trying to do was state my opinion and bring up some ideas that perhaps most people don't think about. That was all. This whole thing just started a big argument involving believers vs. non-believers, which shouldn't have happened. It's ok to talk about God and religion but now it seems like people are being mean. It's a sensitive subject when people have opposing views. We as a community at opendiary have a certain brotherhood, a bond that shouldn't be broken. We should all respect each others' opinions and ideas, no matter how opposed we may be to them. Some famous guy, I don't remember the name said "I may not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". Everyone should have the freedom to say what they think in their diaries but unfortunately it gets personal sometimes. So, I'm sorry to everyone who thought I was pushing my beliefs, and I want to forgive everyone who I thought was pushing their beliefs. Much love and peace to everyone, or as I like to say.... ~Pax The ABC's of Funny Words - 8/10/2001 aardvark

audacity

balls

beans

beaver

bologna

boobs

blarg

burp

breakfast

chainsaw

cheese

chubby

dollar

duck

earl

erection

fark fart

flatulence

fork

frankfurter

fred

geek

glue

goofy

hemorrhoid

intercourse

jar

kumquat

large

moron

narshaboo

nipple

poop

potato

prune

qualm

queer

raisin

rip

skipper

spoon

spork

turdlet

umbrella

villavillakula

wally

weasel

x word?....yeah right

yodel

zark

Okay some of these weren't that funny, and some of them weren't even real words, but it's hard to think of a funny word for every letter.
A
This is bugging the piss out of me - 8/10/2001 To anyone who's watched Power Puff Girls, you've probably heard the part in the theme song that goes "fighting crime, trying to save the world". And you probably know that whenever they explain themselves, they say "....we fight crime". That is a bunch of bu**shit! They fight monsters who are trying to destroy buildings. Crime is where people commit illegal acts such as embezzlement, murder, or pooping on the president's head. It has nothing to do with monsters! I'm almost at the point where I don't want to watch the show anymore because of this. Okay maybe not, but it's annoying. I've decided that every time I think they're about to say they fight crime, I'm going to cover my ears and sing for three seconds. Sure, they sometimes fight burglers, but only at the beginning part of the episode, fighting crime never has anything to do with the main plot. Don't get me wrong, I love Power Puff Girls and make a point to watch it at least two or three times a week. But I wish I could write a letter to Cartoon Network and vent some of my pissedness. I prolly (there I go with prollies) couldn't do that because most of the episodes are reruns and have been made. But still....every time I hear that I'm like UGH!!! Here's another question: if Buttercup is such a monkey-slapping shit-stomping badass, how in the blue hell did she get a name like Buttercup?? That's something you'd name a poodle, or a calico cat. Not a hardass semi-violent cartoon character who wears green, the least girlish of the PPG colors. Oh well. Trying to make sense of the Power Puff Girls is like trying to make an old lady's fart smell nice, it just doesn't happen. Some little joys of life - 8/10/2001
J
I'm not normally a sentimental person but sometimes I have weird moods. Here are some things I thought of last night when I couldn't sleep. They are things that can make you happy if you really think about it and take the time to notice them. So here they are.....
Little Joys of Life
- a mother's love - petting a happy dog - walking outside on a summer evening - laughing so much at a tv show that tears come to your eyes - beating up a bully - playing a video game with your friend and knowing in the back of your mind that being with your friend is actually more fun than playing the game - an answered prayer - walking into an air conditioned house when it's hot outside - being comforted by your friend when you're sad - when your friend says thank you after you comforted them - bright colors - when you get out your dog's leash to take him for a walk and he jumps and dances around as though he's just won the lottery - the realization that being a dork is a lot more fun than being cool - finding a lost/cherished possession - feeling safe inside your home during a thunderstorm - artificial fruit flavoring (aka tummy sex) - teaching a younger sibling something new - letting out a happy sigh at the dawn of summer vacation - perfecting a musical instrument - when you feel inspired after hearing your favorite song on the radio - going online and achieving a zen-like oneness with your computer - going back to sleep in the morning after finding out it's a snow day - holding a baby - making something cool out of clay - getting a new video game, and the smell of the cartridge as you open it out of the package - watching a tv show you really like - realizing the beauty in yourself.....I am the only me there will ever be I have experienced all of these on some level during the course of my lifetime. Everyone who is as fortunate as I am should consider themselves blessed. Remember this: The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. I got that from Mewtwo in Pokémon: the First Movie. Good night everybody. Farting - 8/16/2001 Throughout the history of mankind, it has come to be known that few things are more hysterical than a crisp, unexpected fart. Or maybe it's just me. Either way, today I'm going to write about the fascinating subject we politically correctly call flatulence. As far back as I can remember, I have always been entertained by farts. I believe that we all appreciate toilet humor in some way, although some of us have too much dignity to admit it. Let's face it, no one is indifferent to farts. We all think it's either funny or not funny. And there are three basic classes of people who have an opinion on farts. The first are people who act disgusted by the whole thing, but probably giggle to themselves in their bedrooms at home while farting up a storm. The second class are those who have some dignity, these are the people who will might chuckle when hearing or smelling a fart, but at the same time will wear an expression as if to say "ew". And then there's the third class, who have no dignity whatsoever when it comes to bodily functions. These are people who will laugh maniacally as if someone were tickling their genitals with a feather, upon hearing a loud fart or a fart joke. Now that we know who likes farts and who doesn't, let's look into the people that fart, and whose gas emissions are the most amusing. Of course everybody farts, and many would agree that it's always funny. This may be true, but fart humor comes on different levels. Have you ever seen a big fat construction worker with green teeth and a lunchbox full of baked beans? It's pretty much expected that this dude will let loose with a blue ribbon winner soon or later. And when he does, you can bet it's going to sound like a motorcycle gang and will smell like a pile of festering rat sh!t. On the other hand, what about a middle-aged British lady who has an obsession with properness and refers to cookies as "biscuits". Imagine if SHE were to let one rip during a company executive meeting. In this case flatulence is all the more entertaining, when the person who you least expect to fart, does. Sure, farts can be funny at home, in a bathroom, or with friends when you're having a contests to see who can produce the loudest bottom burp. But it's all the more interesting when one farts in public. I have attended a Catholic school, which is probably one of the most boring buildings you could ever walk into. It kind of gets to you when you're there 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, and the only means of recreation are sleeping, doodling, or if you're a real bad boy, getting revenge on your teacher for that nasty F by dulling her pencils before class starts. Fortunately, many of such schools contain several nun teachers whose ages range from 80 to 150. At that age, people tend to start lacking total control of their bodily functions. And as an obvious bonus, they might lose some of their hearing too. You see, on my very first day of attending this school I distinctly heard a nun fart. It wasn't a typical "ptwpth" or "frrrt" or even a poofy "pft" sound. No, it was much more unusual than that. Remember being a little kid and going to boring restaurants with your family? The only way to occupy your gnat-sized attention span was by using a straw and blowing bubbles in your beverage, and listening to that cool bubbly sound. This is most accurately how the old nun's fart sounded, bubbly and old-ladyish. You know how libraries always emphasize a certain rule, the one where you're supposed to be "quiet" at all times? A nun at my school once shattered this particular rule. At the time there were about five kids in the library and she was rearranging chairs. When all of a sudden, I hear 90-100 decibels of pure, flatulating power. At first, the kids in the library looked confused. But after realizing what had happened, the ever-so-familar "you farted!" type of child laughter came along. The best part? The nun acted as though nothing had happened. It seems that the appropriate thing to do after breaking wind loudly is to ignore it, blame a nearby dog, or to just say "excuse me". Why do people excuse themselves? When you fart and everyone hears it, I think it'd be a whole lot funnier to say something like "I'll take credit for that one!" or "I just got a message from below!" This would no doubt stimulate new conversations and could make you the life of every party. We know what to say after farting, but a more difficult question is this: WHERE is the best place to fart? There's the classic "elevator" scenario, which works best with SBD's. After getting off the elevator at your desired floor, it's the perfect time to let loose with a stomachload of methane gas just before you walk out. You get mega bonus points if you can hear moaning or complaining after the elevator door has closed. Another good time is when leaving your boss's office, being sure to time it right before someone else walks in. This way, your boss will take your fellow employee for being the guilty party. Once again, this works best if it's an SBD. I can't end this article without giving credit to burping, which is another fine form of bodily function entertainment. Only a few people in a billion are talented enough to play songs with farts, but LOTS of people can burp songs for the amusement of their friends. And then there's burping on tv. You don't ever hear Nickelodeon characters farting, but it's not too surprising to hear Rocko or Chuckie let out a truck driver belch once in a while. That's the thing, you see it wasn't always this way. Darren from Bewitched was a typical mother-in-law hating, Playboy reading, tool-obsessed husband. But no matter how far you rackle through your mind, I bet you can't recall a single incident in which he burped. This is an old tv show and no one burped back then. Burping has gradually become an accepted idea on tv and in the media, and maybe someday the same thing will happen with farting. Who knows, maybe someday we'll hear Sponge Bob saying "Gee Patrick, I've never had bubbles come from THERE before". But alas. For the time being, the only media that accepts flatulence are rude talk shows, mature rated television programs, and websites like this where immature toilet humor is emphasized. It's okay though, we fart fans will someday get our way, but until then, I'm out. I hope you enjoyed this "farticle".

It looks like I finally updated my diary. I hope no one's eyes fell out while staring at the moniter for days, just hoping that someday I would update again. Fear not, because I have. School started recently and I wasn't happy about that. It wasn't a hard transitition though, when I came to school it felt like I hadn't lost a step from June and school began right where it left off. So that was good. I guess what I did was spend the summer enjoying the days off that I had and not worry about the near future. I didn't really think about school starting so I wasn't dreading it that much. Anyway, I hope this will be the best year. I get out earlier than almost everyone else, which is awesome! Every day I get to leave before 1:00pm. Isn't that just super cool? I think school always sucks but at least now it's shorter. It's been kind of hard so far this year but I think it will get better in about 2 months. There hasn't been much work, in fact I usually have enough time to finish the homework at school so I don't have to do it at home. That's been my strategy for the past 3 years or so. School isn't that bad. Today this mega hot girl talked to me, it was so cool!. And I have this computer class where we're learning to type. The thing I don't like is that the book talks to me like I'm a moron! Okay, maybe there's some truth to that, but I think I deserve some credit. The book in Lesson 2 says stuff like "This is where the space bar is located. It can be used to make a space between letters." So I skipped ahead to Lesson 12 and even then it was really easy since I'm a rad typer. It's boring though and the teacher's desk is right by me so I can't whip out some homework from another class or play Frogger. Oh well at least it's not overly challenging. I have some classes where, get this, they actually make us THINK. That blows! Especially when it's early in the day. That's all I'll write for now. Looking back on this entry it looks pretty boring. But hey, I'm not the one that had to read it, you just wasted your own time. I took 5 minutes of your life and I'm not going to give them back. Hoo-hah! bad choice - 8/30/2001 Today I made a bad decision. For the past few days I've been kind of sick and today in the morning I was gonna go to school anyway but then I puked a few minutes before I left. I decided to go to school anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time. The bad part was that I didn't realize how late it was so I was tardy. At my school being tardy is a lot worse than being absent so in retrospect I probably should have stayed home. I was feeling kind of sick at the beginning of the day but I tried to just walk it off so I felt better. My day was ok. I had a short conversation with my best friend who I haven't really talked to since January, and today we were supposed to have an assembly at the end of the day, but I just went home early and skipped it. Hoo-hah! I'm a rebel. It was probably a dumb pointless one anyway. I saw the funniest commercial today that was on during the Wonder Years. It was an Ex-Lax commercial and it was real. This bus driver lady starts out the commercial saying "I was so constipated I could barely drive!" That line was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes. And they're showing footage of her driving the bus and she looks as though she's being whipped in the ass with a bamboo stick. Then she says "so I took ex-lax" and then it shows footage of her being cheerful driving the bus and there's children coming on the bus and she says "good morning!" And then there was a funny part during the Wonder Years when Wayne is talking to a girl he likes on the phone and he asks her out and you don't hear what she says but after that he said "but your hair already looked clean today". It took a little while before I got the joke. I don't know I'm weird. And now I'm going online and typing in my diary. Bye! Hi - 9/4/2001 I don't have a whole lot to write about lately. But I've been having mood swings. I've been sad a lot lately because of this one problem. I think I'll be able to resolve this whole thing by the end of October or so, hopefully. But until then I'm gonna try to be happy sometimes. Actually a lot of the time I am, I get in this giggly hyper mood where I'm all excited and crap. It's odd. Also I have been sick lately, and until today I couldn't really eat much of anything. Yesterday I was feeling nautious so I made myself throw up, and an hour or so later I felt a little better. I have this friend that told me how to puke on command. You don't need to put anything in your throat but you kind of need to do a gagging thing with your stomach and mouth. It might not work on the first time but for me it worked after about 2 or 3 tries. Oops that was pretty disgusting, wasn't it? Anyway, it's been 2 weeks since school started. So far I think it's ok but could be better. I have homework already. Ugh! On Thursday my teacher gave us homework that was supposed to be due today, I was sick during the weekend but I probably wouldn't have done it anyway. I was gonna do it yesterday, but I watched 7th Heaven instead. So during some classes I worked on it, hopefully I'll finish it tonight. Oh yeah and guess what else, I got in trouble today. On Thursday we were supposed to go to an assembly at 12:00, but I got out at 11:00 and just stayed at home. My homeroom teacher talked to me and two others kids today about how we skipped out and set a bad example for the 9th graders and shouldn't do it again. That's all I have to say for now. As Animal on Muppet Babies used to say...GOOO BYE BYE! Me gusta RHCP - 9/4/2001 In 1995, I can remember this crazy band who would dance around and spin the microphone and stuff. I may have them confused with someone else, but at the time I thought they were dumb and didn't like their music. Actually, back then the only band I liked was Offspring, but anyway the one I am talking about is the red hot chili peppers. In recent years they've become more mellow, and now I can actually relate to their songs. Otherside is my favorite song of all time and Californication is my 2nd fav. Ahhh.....how I love your band RHCP. I think they are so cool! I like them even better than 3 Doors Down or Britney Spears. I just wanted to make a diary entry tributing my favorite band, so I won't say anything else today. Rock on RHCP killing time - 9/5/2001 Right now I'm just working on killing time. It's hard to explain, but in the meantime I'm doing some cool stuff and learning new things. The only classes I've ever had at school where I learned anything useful were the religion ones. I don't mean just learning about God and stuff, but about people and philosophies. This week we had a homework thing to do where we read an article that talked about how people always accuse other people of being too judgemental. I won't go into it too deeply but basically the article said is sometimes you have to judge people. If you didn't, everything would be chaotic. Because people would start doing evil things and would justify their actions by saying "don't judge me". I made a new friend recently and last night we were talking about these sorts of things. It seems like he and I had similar ideas and were having kind of a deep conversation. This is convienent for me because lately I've been looking for people who I can look up to as authority figures on life itself. You don't find many people like that, although I do know some people who I respect because of their attitudes and what they can do to change the world in some way. Anyway, lately school sucks! I know that's nothing new, but in this one class where we write essays we have to write 4 paragraphs about someone in our grade. I know I can't do it. Because I don't even talk to anyone at school anymore, so how am I supposed to write an essay? First of all, I don't know anything about anyone, and secondly I'd need their permission which I can't do either. We're supposed to do peer editing on Friday, so that day I'm just gonna make an appointment with my counseler to talk about college or something. Ugh. On the lighter side though, today at school I was in the library and the old nun let out a big wet fart. At first I wasn't sure what the sound was but I'm pretty sure it was that because I don't know what else it could have been, and she acted like nothing happened. I think when you get to be 130 years old you lose most of your hearing and don't know when you fart. I guess now she'll need to change her nunderwear. Get it? Hehe. Also tonight is open house for the parents, I hope the teachers don't say anything bad about me or I'll be screwed up the arse. On that note I'm out, bye bye. Pax UGH - 9/12/2001 One thing I want to mention is that the last entry was my 60th one here at opendiary. A great milestone for me. Hoo-hah! Also, today is my half birthday. So happy birthday to me!!
J I had sort of a good day today. We spent most of the day in school yesterday watching the news. But today it was, as they like to say, business as usual. I did well on a test for religion, and I was happy in my typing class because I did 54 words/minute! And then I beat my own record. Unfortunately I puked 3 times when I got home and it came from deep in my stomach. I have to be careful not to eat too much. Also, it looks as though I've racked up my 12th detention so far at school. I have no idea what I did, but whatever it was happened on 9/5 and my detention is tomorrow. I've been kind of upset lately about this whole thing, I don't know what's going to happen. I heard there may or may not be a war but I don't know, I'm scared. Exactly six months from today I turn 18, so I could be drafted and have to be shooting people in Afghanistan or something. Some birthday present. That's the problem, I don't think I could ever shoot anyone, and if I did I think it would be hard to live with myself after that. The people I'd have to kill are young men who don't want to be in the army any more than I do. And chances are they're really scared and have families who love them. What are you supposed to do if you're on the battlefield and a foreign soldier raises his hands in the air and says "I surrender", do you shoot him anyway? And what if you see a bloody soldier crawling on the ground and you know he's an enemy, are you supposed to finish him off? I feel bad for the people who died and I'm worried about the future of our country. If you think about it, this'll be a classic "where were you when" question. I'll be able to say "I was in homeroom and heard about it at 9:26 and we watched it on tv". Okay maybe that's not very exciting. But I'm really hoping that everything will be ok and I'll pray that there won't be a war, and the people who did this can be hunted down and put in jail for whatever. Then we can put our minds at ease. If there is a war I've decided I'm going to help in some way or another. Even if there isn't a draft, I'm going to stay in America and do volunteer work or something. I think I owe it to this great nation to be helpful, and maybe it should be considered an honor to help out in any way possible. I don't have anything else to say right now, I'm tired. May God bless you all how you can help people - 9/13/2001

www.thehungersite.com

www.giveaminute.org

In some countries, people can't afford food and do not have the opportunity to go to hospitals when they are sick. If you're able to read this, then you probably don't know what that's like. The sites I wrote above are ones you can go to to help people for free. Just go to them and click on the banner, all it will cost you is about 10 seconds of your day for each site. When you click the banner, the sponsor gives money for a good cause. You will be donating food every time you go to the hunger site, and every time you go to give a minute, the amount of money you donate provides one minute of surgery. It doesn't seem like a lot, but each of this sites can be visited once per day so if you go every day you'll be making a difference. Once again, it's free and you don't have to pay anything. So I'd appreciate it if people would go and click the banner. My weekend - 9/18/2001 I really hate school lately. Okay maybe it's not horrible but it could be a lot better. I only have 6 classes and they're mostly electives, but the thing is they turned out to be harder than I expected. There's not that much work but the teachers aren't very lenient in grading. This weekend was ok. I would have written about it yesterday except for some reason OD wasn't working then, so I'm glad it's working now. On Saturday I can't remember what I did but probably nothing eventful. Then on Sunday my sister got this playdoh that you could make Taco Bell food with. I played with it too, I made some green pellets with the playdoh and we talked about communism. My mother asked what we were doinog and I said "we're preparing for our future" (since we were making Taco Bell food). Yo Mama Jokes For some reason, I have always been amused by yo mama jokes. Last night my friend and I were exchanging some, I learned a new funny one. It goes "your mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky road". Hehe. Here's some of the ones I know. - Your mama is so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. - Your parents are so fat, whenever they have sex the clappers go off. - Your mama's so fat, she uses bacon as a bandaid. - Your mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach people yell "free willy!". Your mama's so fat, Free Willy freed her. - Your mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale. - Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self esteem. - Your mother's hair is so short that she doesn't even look like a woman but more like a man. *~*~**~LOL~*~**~*~LOL~*~*~*~*LOL~*~*~*~* I'm sooo high right now (not for real) yay a fun day - 9/21/2001 Today was a good day but I'll get to that later. First I want to talk about my problems, since I haven't bitched in a while. Today it has been exactly one month since school started which is kind of sad. I was hoping things would get better by this point but it's just the same as when it started, maybe worse since some time's been wasting. This is my last year at high school and I haven't accomplished anything or made any friends (the kind you see outside of school). I was hoping this year I would start reaching out to people but I can't yet, because I still have skeletons in my closet. Right now I have a good opportunity to talk to people, since I have 3 classes with my 2 best friends from 9th and 10th grade, but it's not possible at this point. It would be nice to be able to use that one quote on myself: "Today I am who I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Time goes by too quickly. =( Anyway, I had some close calls today but it all turned out gravy in the end. First of all I was up until 11:30 doing an essay that I started at about 11:10. I didn't think I'd get it done but I did. I really really did! Then I thought I'd have a test today in this one class but it turns out it's gonna be postponed. Yay! As a tri-fectum, there was some homework I didn't do, but fortunately my friend had it done and I copied his so I was able to turn it in on time. And then in my typing class I did something cool. We started typing real paragraphs, and I got 84 words/minute! I did awesome especially since other kids in my class were getting around 12 or so. Oh yeah! The BEST part of the day was that 5 people talked to me, that's a lot since it's usually around 1 or 0. And 4 of them were in a friendly way, not just a question about school. I don't have anything else to say other than I'm glad OD is back, it was gone for a few days. Saturday's entry - 9/24/2001 I meant to write this here on Friday, I tried to save the entry about 10 times and it still didn't work. So I'm gonna post it now. I also changed my diary style because lately I've been in this kind of mood. Dear Journal, Open Diary is so gay. Okay maybe not really. I don't think a website can have sexual preferences (unless it's porn) but I don't like how I have to try 5 times to unlock my diary. And then when I finally did unlock it I got booted by GayOL. So I had to type the opening paragraph all over again. Anyway, today (Saturday) was a pretty accomplishing day for me. I started learning a new guitar song two days ago and today I pretty much perfected it, the beginning part anyways. I just love playing with my guitar. And I also did 150 pushups (not all at once) so I'm tired. Bleh. I decided to conclude this diary with some observations, I made up all of these myself except for the first one. - Whoever invented hot dogs is a pervert. - Few things are funnier than an elephant wearing a hat. - Where does pink lemonade come from? Pink lemons? - Pat from Saturday Night Live is either a woman or an extremely fruity man. I have nothing left to say, goodbye everyone. Love, Me tv I've watched lately - 9/25/2001 I don't have much to talk about so I'll talk about what kind of tv I've been watching recently. Yesterday the Simpsons was really funny. Bart bought a factory for $1.00 and then it collapsed, but there were lots of rats inside. So when it collapsed all the rats fled to Moe's bar. And when they were inside Moe says "okay everyone tuck your pants into your socks" because there were rats all over the place. Hehe. And then last night was the season premiere of da da daa... 7th Heaven. I actually got so excited before it started that my hands were shaking and my throat was gurgling. As you can see I was really pumped! I haven't been so excited about a tv show since they brought Family Guy back on the air. This is a bit bothersome. I always talk about my favorite tv shows with my friends. Some people I talk to watch The Simpsons, Family Guy, Malcom in the Middle, and even Sponge Bob Square Pants. But no one watches 7th Heaven. I don't know why, in my opinion it's one of the highest quality tv shows out there. A while back I wrote a diary entry on my 10 favorite tv shows, and explained why 7th Heaven is so great. Anyway, I thought the season premiere was really good but it seemed short. I know it was an hour like it's supposed to be, but it ended so abrubtly. They showed the Reverend being all stressed out and stuff and I thought they were going to just go to a commercial. But instead the closing credits came and I was like DAMN!! All the characters seem hotter than before, even Robbie (I'm not gay or anything). But even little Ruthie is getting pretty hot now. At first I used to think Ruthie was an annoying little bitch but I like how they made her sort of the comic relief character. Like when a bunch of bad stuff is happening she'll stand there and make some wise ass comment on what's going on. Lucy Lucy Lucy.....ahh. I'm officially in love with her. It's not just because she's so pretty but I also like her personality. She's the cutest and most sensitive girl ever. I'd definately chose her over Mary. She's only a year older than me too. Unfortunately since I don't have a snowball's chance in hell with her I guess Robbie might as well get her. They look good together. I'd have to say I feel sympathy for Simon how he's not getting along with his parents and stuff. They say he's rebellious and bitch about his attitude but a few years ago my parents were saying the same stuff about me, that's what I was going through. I don't think kids develop any kind of "attitude" when they reach a certain age. In fact most teenagers don't have any more attitude than they did when they were small children. It's just that when you're an adolescent your brain is more developed and you can express yourself better. When you're a child and you don't like what your parents are doing, you cry and bitch and say it's not fair. But when you're a teenager you can question your parents' methods and sometimes they can't answer these questions. Because some of the time, the kid is the one who's right. Parents can't accept kids challenging their concepts, especially when they can't defend them. They feel conquered and rather than admitting their child has a point, they just complain that he or she is getting an attitude. Alright I'm finished with 7th Heaven for now, I hope next week's episode will be good. A few days ago I happened to turn on the tv on a school night when it was about 11:30 and Fresh Prince of Bell Air was on. It was actually pretty funny! It's a silly show that they stopped making a long time ago but I found it very entertaining. It was the one where Hillary's fiancé was dead and they go to a Channeler (I think that's what you call it) and he tried to summon his spirit. As always, Will was acting goofy and there was one part where Carlton dyes his hair blonde and then does one of those "AHHHH!!" screams like Kevin did in the movie Home Alone. I thought that was funny too. Anyway I'm gonna go now, I'll end this diary by saying I like tv and I'm glad I have one in my room. Bye bye. What's really important? - 9/29/2001 I've been going to school for over 17 years (if you count preschool) and can't honestly say I've learned a whole lot of practical things. I know how to find the length of a hypotenuse in a 45 degree triangle, I know who Alexander the Great was, and I know how many polyatomic ions there are in sodium triglyceride. Okay maybe I lied about that last one, but most of the things in school are just meaningless facts. I'd like to go into how I think a lot of "education" is just regurgitating facts, but that's not the point of this entry. My favorite classes in high school have always been the religion ones. We usually learn about life lessons and philosophies which I think are interesting. If it wasn't for the things I learn from watching 7th Heaven, I'd have to base all my morals and ideas on my high school religion classes. I always seem to pay attention more, rather than just sit there doodling monsters while a teacher is rambling about the periodic table. Recently, for homework we had to read an article that someone wrote who does a radio show. It was about parents, kids, and what aspects of children people usually think are most important. Basically what it said is that too much emphasis is placed on the success of child, rather than the general goodness of him or her as a human being. This is so true. I'd like to think that my parents care about me, but I don't know for sure. I've hardly ever learned any values from them about helping people or developing my character as a person. They want me to be smart, attractive, talented, skilled, and most importantly, successful. But it seems like they couldn't give two shits about me growing up to be a man of honesty and integrity. This kind of bothers me and I have to keep making sure I don't lose sight of what's really important. Here's another thing, my parents want me to be authoritative too, meaning I'll have to be the boss if I ever have a job in a company somewhere. My father once told me "the point of life is to keep yourself from getting fucked with and to get yourself in a position where you're the one doing the fucking" (describing a career situation, not sex). Fortunately, I'm aged enough and experienced enough to know that this is NOT true and I hope I never think this way. Even if someday I become poor and unsuccessful with no friends, I hope I'll always stay true to myself and close to God. Because to God it doesn't matter who makes the most money, or is the most famous, or who's fucked the most people......in any sense of the word. Those are dumb ways of keeping score. So try to think about what's important to you and concentrate on it. Find happiness, find friendships, and find yourself. Don't get too caught up in things that are just artificial.....you'll be a better person because of it.