About me - 7/22/2000 This is my first entry here so I'm going to introduce myself. You can call me Darren. My interests include video games, tv, and computers. I don't play any sports but I like to watch wrestling on tv, especially WCW, that's sort of a sport. Something unique about me which makes me different from most other kids by age is that I don't have any friends or social life. Some of you may be shocked, but it really does not bother me at all. I honestly don't enjoy hanging around people, which is the main reason I hate school. Maybe it's not so much that I don't enjoy being around people, since it's probably a fear more than anything else. I have a psychological condition known as S.A.D., which means Social Anxiety Disorder. It's a common condition in people who are thought as being "just shy". But my anxiety is beyond normal shyness, and as of now I'm taking a medication for it that's supposed to help. From what I've written so far you can probably tell that I lack self-esteem. I really would like to have more confidence, but there's one thing about myself that really borthers me: my weight. No, I'm not overweight, in fact, I have the opposite problem. You're about to hear a word I use when describing myself that you've probably rarely even heard in your lifetime, and that word is underweight. Yes, I know most people wouldn't even consider that a problem, but it is to me. Since I don't talk to people much in real life to discuss my problems, I often talk to people online since I feel like this is where my place is, on the Internet. I usually here people give me advice such as "just eat" and "I wish I had your problem", but that just hurts me even more. I would do anything to gain a lot of weight, it would mean everything to me and to my self-esteem. During the summer I've gained about 7 or 8 pounds, but that is not as much as I'd hoped, and school is going to start in less than a month. I get more anxious about my weight problem every day. It's hard for me to sleep since I worry about it so much, it's kind of an obsession. The only way to conquer my obsession is to overcome the obstacle that's causing it, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. Only time will tell. Proud to be a misfit - 8/11/2000 People who have never had the chance to be a misfit don't realize what they're missing out on. By "misfit", I mean dork, loser, outcast......I think you get the idea. Many of you who read this will probably be thinking "sucks to be you", but here's how I feel about my status as a social life-lacking misfit: You don't have to worry about fitting in, because you don't. You don't have to worry about acting "cool", because you aren't. You don't have to be obsessed with how you look, because nobody, unless you have a few true friends, really gives a sh** whether you live or die. (speaking of looks, anyone who really cares about you will like you because of who you are and not how you look). And since no one really cares, there's no reason for you to waste your time worrying about them. Sure, misfits have to miss out on the real biggies in life, such as frequent parties, alcohol, sex, and fitting in with crowds, but misfits can really get the most out of life. The inner politics involved in high school cause there to be an upper and lower class (with many classes in between) no matter where you go to school. I take pride in being a misfit, no matter what anyone says. And I wouldn't trade it for any other political status in the entire school. Starting school - 8/20/2000 ::sigh::......Usually before the start of a new school year, I'm always anxious or nervous, but right now I'm feeling depressed more than anything else. I missed out on a lot of opportunities this summer to make accomplishments, I didn't do everything I wanted to do. I'm still underweight. I wanted to start taking better care of my two bulldogs, and take them for walks every day, but didn't. I made some accomplishments, including how I started a new wrestling website with my own URL, gained 10 pounds, and I made two new friends who I consider family and love very much. But I didn't do something I really wanted to do, and that was to gain a lot of weight. I'm still underweight and on the inside it is hurting me more every day. I honestly was hoping I would gain about 30 pounds this summer, so that this school year I could start fresh and be a whole different person with more confidence. If you read my previous entries you'll know that I am basically a misfit, and I like it that way, but I would just like to have more confidence. It's hard to have confidence when you're 5'10" and weigh 138 pounds. I hope I can gain soon, because now I'm in 11th grade and my childhood is in its last years, I haven't enjoyed life in the past and I don't see myself enjoying life in the future, until I put on a lot of weight. So until then, my life is pretty much on hold. Maybe I'll gain a lot by January so I can start living. We'll see. Who are my heroes? - 9/1/2000 When you think of people who exemplify what real courage is, you might be thinking of someone like Charles Lindbergh, or Neil Armstrong, or famous people who have made a difference to the world. A hero is someone who has made a great effort and took a huge risk to display the sheer amount of courage they have. My celebrity hero is and always will be wrestling legend Ric Flair, but my real life hero is none other than my best friend Jamie. What is it that makes Jamie so heroic? Simply put, she is the bravest person I know. Like me, she has a psychological condition, social phobia. I think I am very brave, but Jamie is even braver than I am. She has done things (without medication) that I could never do, even with the assistance of a 40mg dosage of Paxil every day. Unless you yourself have social phobia, you probably won't underst and any of this, but here are some of the things that people like me and Jamie fear the most: One thing is being in large crowds where there are many people. I try to avoid situations like this, but Jamie has been able to survive working in resturants where there are lots of people. I don't think I could ever do that, even with medication. Another thing social phobic people are afraid of is situations involving authority figures. Authority figures can be bosses, teachers, etc. but for most of us, the greatest authority figures of all are our parents. For some psychological reason, I am not able to talk back to my parents when I have strong feelings about how they make my life difficult. Jamie is the same way, but she has been able to talk back to her own mother when every cell in her body is screaming for her not to do it. She even yelled at her mother at one point. Even if you don't agree with me, that is what I call courage because I could never bring myself to do something like that. There are some brave people in the world, but people with phobias are the bravest of all, because they confront their fears when their instinct is telling them not to. And Jamie is the bravest person I know, because she has to face her greatest fear every day, and does a very good job of it. A poem about my friend - 10/14/2000 Today I wrote a poem about my best friend, whom I love more than anyone else in the whole world. She has had a huge impact on my life, she makes me feel happy to be alive and if not for her I would be going through a very depressing time right now. The poem is nothing special but here goes: You haven't won an Oscar For being a movie star, Or won the nascar championship For driving in a car. You have not wrote a best-seller book Or won the nobel peace prize, But you know I'm honest in what I say next 'Cause I look you right in the eyes There's an award that you deserve, It's not a trophy, medal, or plaque. But this award has a certain quality That the others seem to lack. I'm about to tell you something special As I talk in rhyme, The award I give you is for being My very best friend of all time. ~Ring Day~ - 11/10/2000 Today was ring day at our school. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a day where we go to church, the 11th graders (which includes me) get our rings, and have them blessed by the priest. But since I didn't get a ring, (I didn't want one 'cause we ordered them several months ago, they cost over $300 and I probably would have lost mine anyway) while everyone was walking up to the front of the church, I just stayed in the pews. It's obvious I don't have school spirit, I think that's apparant because I'm an outcast. You'll know what I'm talking about if you read my 8/11 diary. Anyway, before going to church we went to the auditorium to watch our "ring day video". It was a slide show, that was a collection of pictures of people in our class. It was really dumb and corny. I couldn't see the screen because of my bad vision, but it had pictures of people from our grade, and during the video/slide show they played real sappy songs, like the "Lean on Me" one, among others. ::rolls eyes:: When I was watching the video, it hit me that while other people were making memories, I was just off on the sidelines. I have never been a part of anything at school, whether it be friendships, activities, and whatnot. But it doesn't bother me, especially since 2000 has been the greatest year I've ever had, mainly because of the accomplishments I made. I made a best friend, I started a wrestling website with my own URL, and I somehow have been able to develop a nonchalant attitude towards life, because I haven't been this relaxed since 5th grade. So it's fine if I haven't bee included in the worlds of the other students at my school, because this is the year I'm beginning to create a little world of my own. Peace out Friendliness - 11/10/2000 Well well well, it looks like I wrote TWO entries in one day, so lucky you, you get to read my diary.....twice!! So hoo-ha!!! =oŢ Today I'm going to write about being "friendly". It always seems like my parents tell me to be cheerful, friendly, upbeat, and more words that mean basically the same thing. I have a hard time being friendly, since I don't like smiling or talking to people in a "friendly" way. The fact is, I am not a charismatic person. This does not imply that I'm evil, it just means that I'm not a good actor. If I'm in a sad mood, I won't pretend to be happy just to impress someone else. Before we go to my relatives house, or have company over, my parents always say "be friendly!" and I agree to do so, but I just can't do it. I'm not a "people person" so I won't pretend to be. People who know me well, all 2, maybe 3 of you, know that I'm not friendly, but deep on the inside I am a kind-hearted soul. Most people don't know that about me, but oh well. If someone is going to judge me based on my charisma, then that's their problem, not mine. What happened to the Simpsons?!? - 11/12/2000 I am writing this on Sunday, which for several years now is the day I have looked forward to every week because of the cool shows they on Fox, in particular, the Simpsons, or as I like to say T.S. ;o) Anyhoo, for a long time, the Simpsons have been my #1 favorite show until recently, when they started to SUCK. I don't know what happened. Matt Groening became famous for the Simpsons because of its witty, subtle humor that makes people think, but at the same time makes people piss in their pants from laughing so hard. But sometime around 1999, it got to be not quite as funny anymore. It has gone from being show after show of humorous outakes and impeccably-timed jokes, to nothing more than 30 minutes of burps, farts, and violence for cheap laughs. Now don't get me wrong, cheap laughs are okay. I don't think anyone dispensed as much urine or vomit as I did while laughing histerically at the episode where Hans Moleman, Jay Sherman, and Mike Didtka (sp?) all got hit in the balls with a football during the show. But now the Simpsons is based on cheap laughs and recylcled jokes that just get old after a while. I miss the days of humorous one-liners such as "Hehehe, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery, can YOU?", "Have you been up all nighit eating CHEESE?", and "Sounds great, I'm gonna eat some mayonaisse." I highly doubt that an episode will ever come on that will be worth watching, but just in case, I am going to be a loyal Simpsons viewer, just like I always have been. And even if all the great episodes are behind us, at least we still have the classic re-runs. Today was a good day - 11/15/2000 WARNING: It's late now, and I'm dead tired so this entry is going to suck. Today was a good day even though it started out bad because I was late for school. And the whole day was pretty boring. I was tired and felt like falling asleep, up until my 7th hour class when I decided to rest. I didn't sleep but just rested my head on my desk, so 8th hour was science and that's my worst class, but today in that class I was bright eyed and bushy tailed from being well rested after 7th hour. And my day went uphill from there. After school we had our 2nd chess club meeting of the year. Yes, I know chess is a dorky thing but I am a dork and proud of it!! I hope I get voted most unpopular next year. Anyhoo, chess was fun. I won 3 games in a row, and the 4th game my partner had to go, even though he was winning, so I remain undefeated. I'm so pumped about this!! And then I got home and went to sleep, and later I had to go to drivers training which I've been going to since Monday. It's sometimes boring, I'd rather not go but oh well. Such is life. It makes it better because I kind of like my teacher and she's funny and during class fun stuff happens sometimes. But the desks are too small, I hate that. Oh, and the best part of my day was when I got online. My friend was having a problem, and I was really worried, but today when I read my e-mail, I discovered that the situation was all worked out. So that made my day, and life is good. Now I'm just rambling about nothing so I'm gonna go now. Bye. No Alcohol! - 11/17/2000 Maybe it's because I like being different. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being addicted. Or maybe I just want to prove to myself how strong I really am. Either way, from now on I have decided to be an alcohol virgin. Not that I've had alcohol before, except for the times when my parents used to give me their beer. But that's it. I don't see any good that can come out of alcohol, and and I don't see anything bad that can come from from abstaining from it. It's not just that I'm afraid of alcohol, beecause I'm the type of person who can get addicted easily, but also because I would to be a role model for some people. In my American Literature at school, we watched a movie about Indians (native Americans not people from India) called "Smoke Signals". This one Indian in the movie, Victor, turned out to be a hero in the end because he saved someone's life who was injured in a car accident. But throughout the movie, it showed scenes from Victor's past in which his father, who later died in the movie, was an alcoholic and had lots of problems because of it, such as beating his wife and his son. Anyway, in the end of the movie, Victor and Thomas (the other main character) got arrested for being intoxicated in public during the car accident.(they were falsely accused) But then Victor said "that's bullsh**, I never had a drop of alcohol in my life". And I thought that was pretty cool. I'd feel proud of myself to be able to say something like that, well I have had a few drops but that's it. There used to be an amendment (I forgot which one) that forbade the sale of alcohol, but they had to drop it, I think they should bring it back. In movies, you see people in bars getting drunk, and it's supposed to be funny. It is, because they always say stupid things and act weird. But that's not how it works in real life, in real life alcohol does things to your body and mind that you can't control. Under its influence, alcohol can cause you to hurt both yourselves and others. Especially when you're driving. So regardless of what anyone else says, I never want to drink alcohol, and that's the bottom line. And no drugs or tobacco for me either, I think those are dumb too. Homework poem - 11/23/2000 Like many of you reading this, I HATE homework and pretty much anything associated with school. Someday when I feel like it, I'll write an entry about homework, but for now here's a poem that I like (I didn't write it though) Why do homework? That's a good question. Gives me headaches and indigestion. Takes up time I oughta be usin' Watchin' tv and snackin' and snoozin' Why do homework? Sure beats me. It's always as boring as it can be. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm lazy, But too much homework could drive a kid crazy! Yeah, it's kind of corney, and dumb, but it gets the point across. Not having friends is cool - 12/3/2000 Yes, you read that title correctly. If you read my previous entries, you'll know that I lack any type of friends or social life, with the exception of the Internet of course. I think it is a good thing to not have any friends, because you don't have to deal with a complicated social life. And complications give you stress, which cause headaches, which I don't really care for either. The good thing about not having friends is that you can keep life simple, which is never a bad thing. My electronics teacher (of last year) had a philosophy of "keep life simple" and I kind of like that. I get lonely from time to time at school since I don't have any friends there, but my true friends, and also the best friend I have ever had I know online. So it wouldn't be completely true to say I have no friends, just not any at school. About gossiping. If you go or went to high school, you probably know that people talk crap about other people when they're not around. I'm sure people do this to me, but as long as I don't hear it, I could not possibly care less. Not only do I not care, but I actually kind of like it. There's some sick pleasure I get from people paying attention to me in a mean-spirited way. It's hard to understand. I guess that's one of the reasons I'm a freak, which is also a reason people probably talk about me when I'm not there. And thus the cycle keeps repeating. And one thing that helps a lot when I'm lonely, is that in the back of my mind I know that I DO have a friend, who is probably a better friend than most kids at my school will have in their whole life, which gives me a great amount of reassurance. And as this friend once said: "My circle of friends is small, but I'm glad it is." ;o) p.s.- Either today or tomorrow, or sometime in the near future I'm going to write a diary entry about Weezer, the greatest band to ever grace the dirt on this beautiful planet. The Love of my life - 12/3/2000 In case you haven't noticed, life can really be a bitch at times, for most people anyway. But what is it that gets us through each and every day? For some it's purpose, for some it's desire, and for the rest of us....it's love. And that is what this entry is about, the very thing I have loved for over 13 years and still do, and that thing......is video games. For most people, video games are nothing more than entertainment machines with limited value. And others, though I hate to say it, think of video games as nothing but an anti-boredom device to be used in extreme cases. But it's different for me, because I love them. I'm kind of addicted, and obsessed, but that's okay, there are worse things you can be addicted to than video games. Growing up, I would like to be able to say that I was abused, but I wasn't, so I don't have much to complain about. However, I've always been kind of sensitive, especially to my family. People I know have made a good portion of my life pretty miserable (although most of it was just in my head). Childhood sucked, I would never go back to it even for a million dollars. But what made it a whole lot better was that I always had my video games. In middle school, people might have made fun of me almost every day, but I was often a happy kid due to the fact that I could knock out Nick Bruiser in Super Punch-Out. And during times when my father was raising hell and being mean to me, I could go to my room and feel like a king among kings, due to the fact that I could defeat Emperor Zog in Breath of Fire. And up until recently, I never had any real friends. Most of my childhood was run by control freaks who made caused problems for me I couldn't control, so when I was growing up my best friends were my Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and in later years the Nintendo 64. So the bottom line is this: childhood sucked for me, but my video games made it a whole lot better. Video games ROCK, I wouldn't be the same without them. The best band ever!! - 12/7/2000 You might call Metallica a "one-hit wonder" for their song, Seek and Destroy. You might call Megadeth a one-hit wonder for "Crush Em". And you might even call Kiss a one-hit wonder for that "Rock all night" song. But don't you ever, e-e-EEEVER....call my favorite band, Weezer, a one-hit wonder for the "Buddy Holly" song. Grrrr...that just makes me mad. Because all their songs are equally awesome. If you would take the time to listen to them, you would know that too. My best friend and I are big Weezer fans, we're just like Doug and Skeeter who like "the Beets". I even wrote a poem on Weezer, it sucks so far, but I'm working on it. ::sigh:: I love that band, I think they are the best! And to you they may seem like a bunch of dorks, but I think they are super cool. At the moment, my favorite of their songs is "Say it Ain't So". And I don't care if anyone says they are a dorky band, because I am a dork myself, and darn proud of it! This past month, I became a natural born loser ;o) so you can't hurt me with your tasteless comments about dorkishness, for I am invincible. HOO-HA!!!! p.s.-- Weezer is supposed to be breaking up soon, because they are each forming their own bands. But they will rock on forever to me, because I have their songs stuck in my brain all the time. They are the coolest! I love ya Weezer......we all love ya. grrrr..... - 12/17/2000 For those of you who believe in the Bible, you probably know that there are ten Commandments. The # 4 Commandment is "Honor thy father and thy mother". This is my least favorite one. Why? Because it is the most difficult! My parents are control freaks who are mean to me and then make me feel bad about how I am such a burden to them. Yesterday I got a progress report in the mail, and I got a D in science. My father threw a shitfit all afternoon and made me feel like crying. I don't think school is that important, when I grow up I'm not going to remember my exact grades in school, but what I will remember is how awful my parents made me feel when my grades were bad. At least I'm going to be 18 in 1.5 years. If it wasn't for that, I might have to kill myself. Life really sucks. And I hate having to follow Commandment #4. I'm not sure exactly what "verbal abuse" is, but all I know is that I have experienced it in every possible form. When I was young, my father used to hit me. No, I wasn't abused, but he just thought it was funny. You know how sometimes mean older brothers like to be "bullies" and pick on their younger siblings? Well that's what my father did to me. He would do stuff like push his thumb really hard into my eye, which would make me cry but he didn't care. And he made me going on "errands" with him, which I didn't like to begin with, but he made me hold his hand when we went into a store. And he would squeeze my hand really hard, and since I was only five at the time it hurt a lot. I haven't made so much as a smart ass remark to him in 11 years, and he thinks I'm the biggest asshole in the world. I don't know why. He probably wishes I had never been born because all I do is bring burdens to my family. I can't wait to move away from home when I graduate from high school, I know I'll be happier then. But until then I'll keep my chin up, because after all I do have my video games, which have gotten me through most of my childhood. And they should get me through the remaining 1.5 years as well. Parents can be jerks - 12/17/2000 My parents are really bothering me lately. Because of a bad progress report I got in the mail yesterday, I might not be allowed to use the computer on weekdays, which makes me sad. Because the Internet (along with my video games) are the only things that make me feel happy and successful. But my father says that my website is a non-beneficial thing that gets in the way of my homework, which apparently is THE most important thing. He says I fail at everything and always will, so I should join the army or become a bagger. Oh well my parents are jerks. Skipping to a different subject, it bothers me how after church my parents gossip about the other parishiners. When we get home, they always talk about who was there. For example, they call this one family the "smug family" and these other people they call the "lubby dubbies". And I think that's mean to gossip about other people behind their backs. That makes me mad >=o[ 12/22 - 12/22/2000 Well I am really mad right now. I had something written here, but I deleted it by mistake! I don't feel like typing it all out again, so I won't. I'll just summarize. In this diary I talked about how I'm depressed during winter. You know, how just because of the weather sometimes people are depressed for no apparent reason. My brain was sick most of the day today. I probably need one of those flourescent happy lights that improves your mood. Sorry about this diary sucking. Just try imagine what I had typed before I accidently deleted it. I'm sure you'll like it. Pax My Weight - 12/23/2000 If you read my previous entries (and I do mean PREVIOUS, maybe late July) you'll know that I have had a problem with my weight. No, I'm not fat but I was underweight up until about this summer. Throughout the past 5 years, the 2000 summer especially, I was really obsessed about my weight problem. I thought that my life would NEVER be happy until I gained lots of weight, I got so depressed about it to the point where I was almost crying. What made it worse, was that I went to a doctor about it and he said that my weight isn't a "problem", but it would be a problem if I was overweight. Isn't that f****ed up? And he also said that the only cure for my underweightness was "time", meaning that I would NOT be able to gain weight for several years, when my metabolism becomes slower. That pretty much crushed my spirits. And what made it worse was that my father sometimes made comments about my weight, but when I tried dieting (to gain weight) he would always say "you can't beat genetics" meaning that I would not be able to gain, no matter how hard I tried. So basically, the message he gave me was "give up, you won't succeed so there's no point in trying." That really hurt. Fast forward to December 22nd. I realized something important, that not since June has someone made a comment about my weight! I did gain weight during the summer, well over 10 pounds. How did I do it, I hear you ask? Well here's what happened. You see, during the summer I met a wonderful new friend, who I would talk with about my weight problem. She was the first person to genuinely believe in me that I could succeed, and she also gave me some weight gaining advice, such as eating before sleeping. Since someone now believed in me, I had a new attitude towards accomplishing my goal. Rather than my old strategy of how I would wallow in my own self pity, I would now face this as a challenge with a more positive attitude. I realized that I need to try hard, not just for myself, but for my best friend as well. Because I knew that she wanted me to succeed. So low and behold, I eventually did gain weight, and this friend of mine was so proud of me. It made me feel special how she cared so much. I accomplished my goal, because someone believed in me. The saying "mind over matter" applies to this case. And furthermore, my friend taught me a new lesson. And that lesson was, that weight isn't very important in a friendship, because I knew she would love me regardless of how much I weighed. That made me feel accepted, so I was less obsessed about the problem I had. I am happy now, because yesterday I realized that not since June has anyone made any comments about my weight. Even if someone does anytime soon, I won't be too hurt by it, because my friend made me realize that weight isn't important. This may sound weird, but (before) I was really obsessed with my weight, because I thought that people wouldn't like me just for being underweight. But now I know that that isn't something worth obsessing over. I can't believe how I used to think that my weight and my general goodness as a human being had some sort of direct correlation. That's B.S., and I'm glad my friend made me realize that. In closing, our 6 month anniversary is coming soon (we met in June), so H.A., old friend, and thank you so much for helping me gain. ;o) Christmas - 12/25/2000 Today is an extremely important day so I figure I should write an entry in my diary. It was kind of an uneventful Christmas, I think it gets less exciting when you get old like me. There were some things I wanted but didn't get, but oh well. That is T.S. for me cuz ya know you can't always get what you want. I got Banjo-Tooie for N64, that was my favorite gift. The depressing thing about Christmas this year, is that it's over so quickly, I didn't even have time to prepare. Christmas has come and gone before I even saw it coming, which is kind of sad. There's one thing that really bothers me about Christmas, and that is that people don't recognize its true meaning. It seems to be more of a commercial holiday, rather than a time to reflect on the spirit of giving, which presumably was inspired by the birth of Jesus Christ. You don't even hear people say Christmas on tv, they just say "holidays", which kind of bugs me. And even the mention of the word Christmas in a public school is reasonable cause for a lawsuit. I don't mean to push my beliefs on anyone, but I think that Christmas would be more meaningful if it had more to it than just buying a lot of crap you don't really need, and watching bad movies. That's what I think. Anyway, may God bless you all, have a merry Christmas, and never forget that Jesus is the reason for the season. Pax A Christmas poem - 12/25/2000 This poem is somewhat religious, so if the mentioning of Jesus or Christmas offends anyone, I suggest that you do not read this. I wrote this poem today, it was kind of inspired by Christmas so here goes: If only we would think and stop Before spending at a shop And stop to thank Him for all our joys Before indulging in food and toys He gets not what He deserves For helping the entire world. A tragic hero he must be To sacrafice himself for me, And not get accolades and praise, What's wrong with us, we're in a daze. He gave us the season, for caring and giving That made our lives much more worth living The man who cared about us all, Was beaten bloody and took a fall. What's wrong with us, don't we have eyes We have a gift we don't realize Karate - 12/27/2000 Well I went to karate yesterday, I don't think I've talked about karate yet in my diary so I will start now. I've been going to karate for 9 years now, even though I don't like it at all, and I never have. I never wanted to join in the first place. Here's a few reasons why I don't like it. It's every Tuesday and Thursday, which kind of sucks especially when I want to be doing other things. And then when I get to karate, it's really hard, and boring, which is not a good combo. In most sports, when you have a practice for it you just get out and do it. Whereas in karate, you have to do all the motions exactly right and the instructor criticizes you when you don't. And you sweat sometimes, I hate sweating =o(. And the worst part is this: my whole immediate family goes! Ugh....it sucks. How would you like it if when you played sports (if you don't play sports, just imagine you do) your parents were there with you the whole time, to criticize you. Ughh it sucks. Anyway, yesterday at karate there were very few people, and we did board breaking. Not the wooden kind, but the kind that are re-breakable. I had to hit the same one three times with a backfist before it broke. I had a purple/white mark on my hand and it hurt a lot! Not to sound like a baby or anything, but it felt as though the swelling spot was going to burst into a spurting lump of blood. Yesterday in karate, I noticed that I am really too thin. Yes, I knew that already but it sucks a lot. I hate being underweight when everyone else is at least 50 pounds more than me. I would much rather be overweight than underweight. I really don't like karate, but I don't think my parents will let me quit. It sucks.....having to go someplace you dislike, other than school. I wish at least my family didn't go too, that would make it easier. ::sigh:: but unfortunately, I think I will still have to be going for a very long time. >=o( - 12/27/2000 Well, today sucked. You see, I just finished my drivers training class. Unfortunately, I failed it just like I do at everything else, so I have a special "parent permit" where I have to drive with my parents for 4-6 weeks until I get better and can pass. So today my father made me drive with him, and it really sucked. I was trying my best, but it was hard and he kept yelling at me. To have someone nitpick at you for what you are putting forth your best effort into is just awful. Even though I was trying really hard, he didn't care and kept yelling, and when I did what he told me to do, sometimes he would say something to contradict what he just said. So I was confused, frusterated, and on the verge of tears. So who do I look to comfort me when I'm having a bad day? Of course my best friend.....who unfortunately does not help one bit. When I was explaining to her what was wrong, she was acting like it was a joke and didn't care at all that I was hurt by it. I tried this before with my mother and now my best friend did it to me too. It really hurts, when you are pouring your heart out to someone and all they can do is either pretend it's a joke or say something mean. I guess I should stop trusting people. Right now I really want to cry, but since I am not a girl, I won't. Pax I wish I was brave - 12/28/2000 "I don't give a frog's fat dick about what he says, I am invincible. Besides, even if he wasn't mad about this, it would probably be something else. So I'm not scared at all." This is something I would like to be able to say to myself, in regards to my father, but I just can't. Today I went driving again with him, and he was just as bad as yesterday (see previous entry). I know I am a true coward, and I wish I wasn't. ::sigh:: I want to be able to talk back, and stand up for myself, but I can't do it. Like my father says, I don't have any balls. I don't even know what I'm worried about either. The worst he can do is yell at me, but somehow that is the very thing that is hurting me and destroying me from within. I shouldn't allow myself to be hurt by mere words. Furthermore, it looks like the world has taken a proverbial shit on ME again. My best friend and I are having another conflict, I just hope it works out. Unfortunately, I don't think many people are reading this, let alone care, so I should stop wasting my energy typing all this out. Pax ::sigh:: - 12/29/2000 There are 4 days left of Christmas vacation, five if you count today. And I have stuff to do that I haven't even started yet! I have to write a story, write a report, and design a house (for interior design class). And I am really depressed because I have yet to begin on any of these things! I wish I had someone to do one of them for me, or at least help me, but I don't =o(. And the fact that time is passing without me accomplishing anything just makes it worse. All I can do is sit here feeling self-pity and writing in my diary. And in case you're wondering about the conflict with my best friend I wrote about yesterday, it is still ongoing. I don't like arguing. Well sometimes I do, but not if it's someone who I really care about, and in this case it is. So I hope we can make up soon, because this whole thing is really taking its toll on me, if you add school into the mix, plus the natural depression that comes along with winter. Pax Tests at school! - 1/6/2001 As you know, I hate school a LOT, but even more than usual I hate it this coming week. Why? Because we have semester exams, and that gives me a lot of stress. You see, I am one of those people who doesn't study, and also I go to a private (Catholic) school, which is not a good combo. I am really worried about how I will do on the tests, especially science. If I fail 3 or more classes, I'm going to get expelled! So I am worried about that, I would never be able to go to another school. For one thing, I'm comfortable at the one I go to, even though I don't have any friends and I don't like the teachers, but other than that it's okay. I know I would never be able to go to a public school because I would probably get beat up a lot. The most I will PROBABLY fail is one class, but I am still sweating it (meaning I'm worried). I hate stress! I wish the whole school would just blow up and die so I wouldn't have to worry about grades. Hehehehehe.......that would be SOOOO cool!! This diary sucked like poop, I know, but I'll write a better one after Wednesday. Bye. Pax It's over =o) - 1/10/2001 Life is definately looking up! I'm done with my stupid tests at school (that I talked about in my last entry) and just yesterday I began teaching myself how to play guitar. It is really hard, but I'm working at it. It's been only two days, and I've learned 7 notes, plus I can play a crude version of "Skip to my Loo". ::sigh:: I wish I could be a good musician, like the people from the band Weezer. That's the thing about dreams; they only work when you lie down and close your eyes. Oh well, I'll keep practicing every day. Sorry, I know this diary sucked like.......well, you can add your own perverse adjective here, but I'll write a better one sometime soon, maybe tomorrow. Pax. A yo-yo Week - 1/11/2001 This is a yo-yo week. I'm happy, then depressed, it's a cycle. I haven't taken my medication in a long time, is that a good excuse? Anyway, today has sucked so far. You see, I'm on a diet to gain weight, so I've been having over 3,000 calories every day. I weighed myself today and I actually lost weight! ='o( I was so depressed. Also, I wrote another dumb poem yesterday. I won't bother explaining the depth of it, all I'll say is that it's about someone in particular, and that I felt like writing it. ::sigh:: so here goes.... Some rejection, no acceptance, What remains of heartache is confusion To never know, and always think And come near tears at every turn Always hoping for the day, Maybe many years away That someday I could hear you say..... But that time will not come soon. Looking forward to nothingness Is what makes the soul go blank Nothing comes from this; Except a mindless thought, A hopeless dream, A broken soul. More Notes - 1/13/2001 Okay, I have a bone to pick with you readers. It's about the notes you leave me. There are none! It's rude to read someone's diary and not leave a note for them. So start leaving me notes. Now onto my diary. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing stuff out of the blue. I think the best tv show ever made is the Simpsons. When I hear people say they don't like the Simpsons, it makes me sick. What's not to like?? Every episode is jam packed with piss-in-your-pants style humor that never stops. Even the bad episodes have at least one or more jokes in them that are so hilarious it's not even funny. Come to think of it, it is funny, that's the whole point. You are crazy if you don't like the Simpsons. Did anyone see the season finalé of 2000? I loved the part where Bart got replaced by Richie Rich, who said "Don't have a cow, mother!", and then they showed a documentary of Huckleberry hound. He was sitting on the chair saying "I was so gay....but I couldn't tell anybody!". I laughed like a little bitch. And of course, I have several all-time favorite one-liners I like from the Simpsons, including "sounds great, I'm gonna eat some mayonaisse" and "I wash myself with a rag on a stick!". Just thinking about this stuff is funny. I wish the Simpsons were on today, but they're not, because it's Saturday. I hate Saturday. That's all I have to say, and this diary seems to have reached its brink of suckitude, so I shall stop writing now. .....life sucks - 1/13/2001 Okay, I am really mad right now, at my parents. This year, for Easter break they say I have to go with them and my relativies on vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. But the thing is, I REALLY don't want to go. Last year I went even though I didn't want to, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. The first thing you have to understand is that I hate socialization. I have a psychological condition called Social Anxiety Disorder that causes me to be extremely uncomfortable in social situations. In a way, I am afraid of people. However, there is a certain way I can counteract this fear of mine, and that is by acting depressed. Now don't get the wrong idea, I don't enjoy being depressed all that much, but when I keep my emotions low and relax, my S.A.D. doesn't affect me as much. Remember this, because it's going to be important later on. In April 2000, I had to spend 5 days in a strange place, and had to interact with my relatives the whole time while I was there. My relatives aren't bad people, but you need to keep in mind that I am social phobic. Now remember the way I deal with my fear, by acting depressed. And here is where the trouble started. The whole time I was in MB, my parents were pressuring me to act friendly and would yell at me for acting depressed with their loud, hurtful lectures. It hurt me so much, I was on the brink of tears. But they didn't care, they just thought I was the biggest asshole in the world for "embarrasing" them in front of my relatives. And now they say I have to go to MB with them this year too! I really don't want to, so I am forced to make a decision on my own power. Do I go, or do I resist and stay home? This is a very difficult choice, because my parents say I HAVE to go. So I am leaving this up to you, the readers. What do you think I should do? Should I simply submit to the notorious bidding of my control freak parents? Or is it about time I grew a pair and decided to stand up for myself and tell them they can't make me go? Sure, I'll get in trouble, but like I always say, if it wasn't for this, they'd just probably be mad about something else. Please leave notes! =w= I must be pessimistic - 1/20/2001 Wow.....where to start.....life is kind of sucking right now. Today, I got my report card. It wasn't bad, in fact, it was the best it's been in over 2.5 years. My parents were somewhat proud, although they did make sure to point out my WORST grades and not focus on what I did well on. Anyway, the point is that this may seem like a good thing. But it's not. Why? Because in doing well this quarter, all it seems like I've done is raise their expectations of me. Now I'll have to do at least as well next quarter, or else they'll be mad. But if my grades were bad, then I wouldn't be in this problem. I'd just know that I had no where to go but up, and I'd be happy with my parents' low expectations. Now onto some more problems. I've been kind of depressed lately. I know I complain about that too much, and it is kind of bad for me to talk about this. After all, God has given me so many blessings, why should I focus on the negative aspects of life? And yet somehow, I do. Today I was thinking about my future, and how I'm a failure at everything. It occurred to me that my life as it is right now is the best that it will ever be. And that is not exactly the most uplifting thought in the world, since now I am pretty depressed. For one thing, I was thinking about my future and that I probably have none. I see myself in the future, probably dying before age 25, or maybe getting into trouble with drugs or the law and ending up in jail. I don't think I'm going to have a career. At best, I might be an independent webmaster, or be in a band, these are things that I want to do, but those are very high expectations of myself. I used to be cheered up by talking to my friends online, since I don't have any in real life, but that doesn't seem to help me anymore. Sometimes I tell my problems to this one friend I have, but now he doesn't seem to care anymore. No, I know what you're thinking, and I'm not one of those self-centered people that only cares about myself. To tell you the truth, I have sympathy for every human being, even if it doesn't show. Anyway, this friend of mine doesn't listen to me anymore. All he cares about is talking about his website. And what new features it has, how many people are visiting it....blah blah blah.....I could be going down in flames and all he'd care about is how many hits his site has gotten today. But seriously, I am not self-centered! I try to help other people with their problems whenever I can, I like making people happy even though I'm not good at it. Lastly, living with my family is sure taking its toll on me. In this house I have been under stress for the past 16 years and I'm just hoping and praying that I can escape as soon as possible, after I am 18. But with what money? My website is hardly making any money at all, and I'm not sure if I have a snowball's chance in hell of becoming a musician soon, if ever. Pax Am I evil? - 1/24/2001 Last night, I was kind of scared about something. You see, my family and I go to karate two times a week, but last night I didn't go. Normally, they come home at 9:00, but when I realized it was 10:45 and they still weren't home I got kind of worried. My mind began racing as to what things could have happened. Maybe they all died in a car accident? I thought about what would happen if they died, and something bothered me. I imagined what my future would be like, I would probably end up living with my