Throughout the history of mankind, it has come to be known that few things are more hysterical than a crisp, unexpected fart. Or maybe it's just me. Either way, today I'm going to write about the fascinating subject we politically correctly call flatulence.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been entertained by farts. I believe that we all appreciate toilet humor in some way, although some of us have too much dignity to admit it. Let's face it, no one is indifferent to farts. We all think it's either funny or not funny. And there are three basic classes of people who have an opinion on farts. The first are people who act disgusted by the whole thing, but probably giggle to themselves in their bedrooms at home while farting up a storm. The second class are those who have some dignity, these are the people who will might chuckle when hearing or smelling a fart, but at the same time will wear an expression as if to say "ew". And then there's the third class, who have no dignity whatsoever when it comes to bodily functions. These are people who will laugh maniacally as if someone were tickling their genitals with a feather, upon hearing a loud fart or a fart joke.
Now that we know who likes farts and who doesn't, let's look into the people that fart, and whose gas emissions are the most amusing. Of course everybody farts, and many would agree that it's always funny. This may be true, but fart humor comes on different levels. Have you ever seen a big fat construction worker with green teeth and a lunchbox full of baked beans? It's pretty much expected that this dude will let loose with a blue ribbon winner soon or later. And when he does, you can bet it's going to sound like a motorcycle gang and will smell like a pile of festering rat sh!t. On the other hand, what about a middle-aged British lady who has an obsession with properness and refers to cookies as "biscuits". Imagine if SHE were to let one rip during a company executive meeting. In this case flatulence is all the more entertaining, when the person who you least expect to fart, does.
Sure, farts can be funny at home, in a bathroom, or with friends when you're having a contests to see who can produce the loudest bottom burp. But it's all the more interesting when one farts in public.
I have attended a Catholic school, which is probably one of the most boring buildings you could ever walk into. It kind of gets to you when you're there 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, and the only means of recreation are sleeping, doodling, or if you're a real bad boy, getting revenge on your teacher for that nasty F by dulling her pencils before class starts. Fortunately, many of such schools contain several nun teachers whose ages range from 80 to 150. At that age, people tend to start lacking total control of their bodily functions. And as an obvious bonus, they might lose some of their hearing too. You see, on my very first day of attending this school I distinctly heard a nun fart. It wasn't a typical "ptwpth" or "frrrt" or even a poofy "pft" sound. No, it was much more unusual than that. Remember being a little kid and going to boring restaurants with your family? The only way to occupy your gnat-sized attention span was by using a straw and blowing bubbles in your beverage, and listening to that cool bubbly sound. This is most accurately how the old nun's fart sounded, bubbly and old-ladyish. You know how libraries always emphasize a certain rule, the one where you're supposed to be "quiet" at all times? A nun at my school once shattered this particular rule. At the time there were about five kids in the library and she was rearranging chairs. When all of a sudden, I hear 90-100 decibels of pure, flatulating power. At first, the kids in the library looked confused. But after realizing what had happened, the ever-so-familar "you farted!" type of child laughter came along. The best part? The nun acted as though nothing had happened.
It seems that the appropriate thing to do after breaking wind loudly is to ignore it, blame a nearby dog, or to just say "excuse me". Why do people excuse themselves? When you fart and everyone hears it, I think it'd be a whole lot funnier to say something like "I'll take credit for that one!" or "I just got a message from below!" This would no doubt stimulate new conversations and could make you the life of every party.
We know what to say after farting, but a more difficult question is this: WHERE is the best place to fart? There's the classic "elevator" scenario, which works best with SBD's. After getting off the elevator at your desired floor, it's the perfect time to let loose with a stomachload of methane gas just before you walk out. You get mega bonus points if you can hear moaning or complaining after the elevator door has closed. Another good time is when leaving your boss's office, being sure to time it right before someone else walks in. This way, your boss will take your fellow employee for being the guilty party. Once again, this works best if it's an SBD.
I can't end this article without giving credit to burping, which is another fine form of bodily function entertainment. Only a few people in a billion are talented enough to play songs with farts, but LOTS of people can burp songs for the amusement of their friends. And then there's burping on tv. You don't ever hear Nickelodeon characters farting, but it's not too surprising to hear Rocko or Chuckie let out a truck driver belch once in a while. That's the thing, you see it wasn't always this way. Darren from Bewitched was a typical mother-in-law hating, Playboy reading, tool-obsessed husband. But no matter how far you rackle through your mind, I bet you can't recall a single incident in which he burped. This is an old tv show and no one burped back then. Burping has gradually become an accepted idea on tv and in the media, and maybe someday the same thing will happen with farting. Who knows, maybe someday we'll hear Sponge Bob saying "Gee Patrick, I've never had bubbles come from THERE before".
But alas. For the time being, the only media that accepts flatulence are rude talk shows, mature rated television programs, and websites like this where immature toilet humor is emphasized. It's okay though, we fart fans will someday get our way, but until then, I'm out. I hope you enjoyed this "farticle".
Keep those farts flyin'
~Poopflinger