As you may have guessed by the title, I saw Pokémon: The First Movie recently. I don't watch movies very often, especially at home. In the theater it's a lot more comfortable. Sure, it may be cold, and the chairs aren't as comfy as the ones at home, and you can often feel your shoes touching some sticky liquid on the floor that you HOPE is soda. But in a theater you are forced to watch the movie the whole time, which is actually quite comforting. At home you might feel the urge to walk away from your tv, so you can take a piss, teach yourself the banjo, or stare at the chandelier on the ceiling and pretend there's tiny little men dancing and jumping on it. Not only that, but at home you don't get boxes of candy that are 30 times larger than the ones you find at the checkout line of the convienent store.

If I were to make a list of the 100 things I love most in the world, falling somewhere between bubble wrap and lava lamps would be my beloved Pokémon. I happen to be 18 and male, so you wouldn't THINK I'd have any interest at all in Pokémon. Or at least I'm not supposed to. Due to my age and gender, it seems like if I even say the word Pokémon, people will look at me as though I have a severed penis crammed up my nose. That's okay though, because those jerks don't know what they're missing out on. I've been fascinated by Pokémania ever since April of 1998, when I first heard that some cool-looking Japanese game where you collect monsters was coming to America. In September 1998, I distinctly remember coming in contact with this wonderful breed of pocket monsters for the first time. First was the debut of the tv show, which served mainly as a prelude for the Pokémon Game Boy games. They were to be released in stores on September 28th, and would be coming out in two versions: Pokémon Red, and Pokémon Blue. Weeks before the release of these games I cleverly thought of making the decision NOW as to which version I wanted to buy. Thus saving a four-hour stay in the electronics section at Target. Every aspect of these games was exactly the same, except that there were certain species of Pokémon in the red version that could not be found in the blue version, and vica versa. After careful planning and hours spent examining the Pokémon section in my Nintendo Power magazine, I reluctantly decided to get the blue version. Why? Because it had Caterpie! This string-shooting son of a b!tch was able to take out all three members of Team Rocket in the cartoon, so why wouldn't he have similar success in the game? I later discovered that BOTH versions contained Caterpie, it was just that in the blue version Caterpie were more abundant. But that's beside the point. The point is that once I was able to get my grimy little paws on this game I was PUMPED. On the way home in the car, I must have read the back of the box at least 12 times, stared at the pictures, and read most of the instruction booklet while drool glistened on my chin in insane anticipation. I kicked myself for not having brought my Game Boy with me, but I could wait 20 minutes until I got home. Couldn't I? Yes, I did, but not with patience. As soon as I got home I ran to my room, Pokémon game cartridge in hand. You'd think I had farted after pouring gasoline inside my ass, blowing it aflame. And the only possible extinguishment for it was my Game Boy. I started the game, and the first part of it is deciding who you want your first Pokémon to be: Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander. The "be prepared" spirit I had gained from my childhood years in boy scouting paid off once again, as I had already decided in the car that I wanted Bulbasaur. And the rest, as I say, is history.

Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be talking about the movie, aren't I?

The first thing you should know about Pokémon is that when you're talking about them, singular and plural forms of the names of Pokémon are the same. For example: 1 Pikachu, 2 Pikachu or 1 Charmander, 4 Charmander. Sure, you can get away with saying "Pikachus" without getting the sh!t kicked out of you, but be warned that we Pokémaniacs will all share a silent giggle at the cost of your idiocy.

Another thing you need to know is this: Pokémon understand Pokémon language; Pokémon understand human language, but humans don't understand Pokémon language. This adds some confusion to the episodes, but at the same time it makes things a lot more entertaining. I'll use parenthesis to show what the Pokémon WANTS to say, and regular text to show how it sounds. Here is what a conversation between Ash and his favorite Pokémon, Pikachu, might look like.

Ash: Hey Pikachu, there's a 300-pound Tauros over there, wanna battle it?

Pikachu: Pika (No way, I'm tired as hell from that battle against Vulpix yesterday)

Ash: Don't mention it Pikachu. I know how much you love battling, I'll let you cut loose here.

Pikachu: Pikachu!! (You idiot, what did I just tell you? I hate this glorified form of cockfighting, I want to retire)

Ash: So why aren't you battling? Tauros is right there! Fine, I'll push you right in front of him. There ya go.

Pikachu: Pika pika!!! (Let me retire you b!tch)

Ash: Fight for all you're worth, right now!

Pikachu: PIKA-CHUU!! (Can't you just give me 15 minutes? I gotta take a sh!t real bad, I just ate some Poképellets that didn't agree with me)

Ash: That's the spirit Pikachu!

Pikachu: PIKA PIKA CHHUUUUUU!!!!!

Alright, now we know that humans understand Pokémon about as well as drunken college students understand an incomprehensible German professor. But that's okay, because this movie starts out with a "short" called Pikachu's Vacation. There are no humans involved, except at the end when Ash & the gang come to pick up their Pokémon. The only talking you hear is Dexter the Pokédex, who narrates the whole thing, and Meowth, the talking Pokémon of Team Rocket. Here's what happens: you hear a cool song playing, while a bunch of Pokémon belonging to Ash, Misty, and Brock are wondering off and meet up with a group of wild "bully" Pokémon. At first they hate each other but eventually a Charizard gets its head stuck in a sewer pipe and all the other Pokémon have to work together to pull him out. Cubone is usually lonely and selfish, but it comes to help pull out Charizard and everyone is happy.

Now I'll talk about the movie itself. There have been some great episodes within the 3 years Pokémon has been a tv series in America. The one where Pikachu leaves and then comes back, where Charizard and Ash become friends, and when Pikachu and Caterpie bond as friends and discuss in their own Pokélangage what dreams they have for the future. Those were some of the most heart wrenching scenes I've ever seen on tv. So the movie is going to have high expectations. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it yet, but I'll say I liked it. At the same time though it wasn't entirely satisfying, they didn't get into the characters' personalities and not a whole lot happened in the plot (cool rhyme huh). If you haven't been watching the tv show you'd have no clue what's going on. It was exciting though and if you're a Pokémaniac you'll have to see it.

Thanks for reading. This article has been brought to you by McDonalds: we love you see you smile, while your heart and kidneys frown.

Archives