Dear Journal,

Yesterday I jacked off to a picture of Patty Mayonnaise in the school yearbook. It all started last night when.....

DOUG: (looking at the yearbook) Ohhhh Patty! I just can't seem to stop touching my genitals when I look at you.

(Doug's dad walks in)

DAD: Doug, this is the 8th time you've jacked off tonight.

DOUG: Sorry, I just get so erect sometimes! Especially with.....

DAD: Patty?

DOUG: Yeah!

(Judy walks by)

JUDY: Oh, my brother, caught up in youth. How the horrors of puberty torment his pathetic soul! Yonder lies.....

DOUG: (throws a turd at Judy)

JUDY: AAAUUUGGGHH!!! (runs away screaming)

DAD: Doug, that was terrible! You're grounded. But first son, I think we're overdue for a long talk. Have you ever heard about the birds and the bees?

DOUG: Well uh....

(Doug's mom walks into the room)

MOM: What's that on the floor!? Douglas, did you spill mayonnaise again?

DOUG: Uh, yeah! I guess I did spill some "mayonnaise".

MOM: You should clean it up and get ready for bed, honey.

DOUG: Oh sh*t! It's already 2:00am.........I've been masturbating for hours.

(Doug takes a cold shower, for obvious reasons, and gets ready for bed. The next morning he arrives at school)

DOUG: Hey Patty!

PATTY: Hi Doug.

DOUG: (slaps Patty on the ass)

PATTY: Oh Doug, you crazy dick!

DOUG: Heheh.

PATTY: Anyway, wanna go to the Honker Burger after school? We're all going.

DOUG: Heh, you said "honker".

PATTY: You perv! Hey....wait a minute. Why do you have a banana in your pocket?

DOUG: It's um....for good luck.

PATTY: Cool...see ya later

(Skeeter Valentine walks into school too)

SKEETER: Honk honk! Hey Doug.

DOUG: Get lost you queer.

SKEETER: Hey!! I'm straight! Remember Bebe Bluff used to be my girlfriend?

DOUG: Knock it off as$hole, we all know she's a guy.

SKEETER: Yeah well, you pop boners left and right about Patty, and she doesn't even have any boobs! Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

DOUG: Get bent.

SKEETER: Don't mind if I do.

(later that day in class)

MRS WINGO: Class, today we're going to learn about inert gases. Gas is a essential part of the periodic table....

DOUG: Sure is! (cuts a big wet fart) **FAAAAART**

MRS WINGO: You should excuse yourself!

DOUG: Why should I? I hear you ripping hot ones all the time and pretend it never happened.

MRS WINGO: Shame on you, Doug! How can you be so rude?

DOUG: How can you be so fat?

MRS WINGO: That is it, mister! You march down to Principal Bone's office immediately. And take this note with you.

DOUG: eh....damn

*the note reads*:
"Mr. Bone,
Please punish Doug Funnie. His farting in class and wise ass remarks are depriving other students of their precious education.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Wingo"

(Doug scribbles something onto the note before he walks into the principal's office)

MR BONE: So, what are you in here for mister? Did you clog up the toilet in the teacher's lounge again?

DOUG: (hands Mr. Bone the note given to him by Mrs. Wingo)

MR BONE: (reading the note) I see....I see. It looks like you've bit off more than you can chew this time. You sure are up to your knees in sh*t....hey, wait a minute, I thought Mrs. Wingo knew my name doesn't have an "R" in it.

DOUG: I guess we know where her mind is.

MR BONE: LOL!

DOUG: LOL?

MR BONE: I mean "hahaha".

DOUG: I think you've been spending too much time online, Mr. Bone.

MR BONE: Well, yes. I need to use the Internet. I do, ummm....research.

DOUG: Sure you do. I bet you do a look at a lot of "research". *cough*(porn)*cough*

MR BONE: What was that?

DOUG: Nothing. Can I go now?

MR BONE: Not so fast there, young man. There's still the little matter of you flatulating in Mrs. Wingo's class. Hmm....what would be a good punishment for you.

DOUG: You could make me thoroughly clean all the girls' restrooms.

MR BONE: No such luck there, rocket.

DOUG: How bout I keep quiet about your porn addictions and we'll call it even?

MR BONE: It's a done deal.

(Doug leaves the principal's office. Later that day, he comes home from school and finds his parents getting frisky in the living room)

DOUG: Jeez....what a thing to come home to.

DAD: Oh hush. I used to see my parents in all sorts of positions when I came home from school, and I turned out okay. - Yes dear.....for the third time, it already IS in.

(Mr. Dink walks in)

MR DINK: Ah hyuk! Hi m'boy Douglas, how are you!

DOUG: Fine, up until I saw this when I got home from school. (points to his parents having sex on the floor)

MR DINK: Gee, this might be a good time to test out my latest invention....the electric condom!

DOUG: What does it do?

MR DINK: Seeing as how drunk I am right now, I probably couldn't explain it. Ah huyuk!

DOUG: Screw this, I'm leaving.

(Doug goes to the bathroom to take a sh!t, and then goes into his room to write in his journal)

THE END
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