Attention WalMart Shopppers . . .
In an attempt to help Baby Twiggums be united with his father, TwigDaddy, Detective Foxylegman (aka TeaBagger) and I, Detective Smollhousen (aka RessaTay), set out on a mission to uncover the whereabouts and whatdoings of TwigDaddy.
Here is our story as it occurred on this date and time!!Date: January 3, 2001
Time: 2:30 pm
Place: Los Angeles, California
After finally locating the residence of TwigDaddy--thanks to the not-so-great mapskills of Det. Foxylegman and the uncanny trust of a "Map to the Stars" salesmen--we parked across the street and kept close surveillance. We were both in complete disguise so we wouldn't be tipped off as TwigMama's private investigators. I was decked completely out as a '70's pimpdaddy including a giant fadora, a cane, some fur...oh, oh and a lampshade.
Detective Foxylegman was disguised as one of my 'ho's--we won't get into his attire much, let's just say he is one fine bitch in high heels!! So we were almost unseen to the naked eye--our get-up is very common in Los Angeles I've heard. We were sitting in our shitty-ass brown Caddy--also very common--when the first stirring of TwigDaddy occurred!! He walked out of his house and down to the corner, stopping at a busstop (maybe his car was in the shop or something). We waited until he stepped foot into the Metro and proceeded to follow him. We travelled about 10 miles before finally reaching our, uh, his destination---SUPER WAL-MART!!! Detective Foxylegman looked puzzled and asked, "What the hell are we doing here?" I assured him it would be fine and that it was "America's store"--he's from Canada...don't ask!!
We park our big ass Caddy and locate TwigDaddy inside after fumbling with my partner's heels. We notice he already has a few things in his shopping cart--makeup, a Kathie Lee dress, tomatoes, and a couple of corks. Corks? What is he doing with the corks, you ask? I have no fucking clue--it must be a rock-star thing...LA, man, who knows!! Anyway, we follow him to the baby section where he picks up diapers and, and, a, uh, er, BREAST PUMP!!! Ok, there, I said it!! Geez!! We then follow him to the checkout lanes, the only strange thing is he does NOT go into the Express Lane. I mean he has 10 items or less--go figure!!
So as we are standing behind him in line with our pack of gum we notice that he shoplifts the breast pump, placing it ever so slyly in his mangled mesh of hair--which was carefully NOT brushed this morning probably a tactic used for this very reason. I glance over to Det. Foxylegman and he looks at me with the same gleam in his eye--this is where we got him!! Oh yes, he cannot hide from us and TwigMama any longer!! As we follow him out of the "Caution: Automatic sliding doors" doors, we notice that he becomes suspicious of us. It was the cheap perfume of Det. Foxylegman that gave it away--I told him that Jean Nate has been out for a long time now!! DAMNIT!! TwigDaddy takes off running like lightning, that booger is fast.
We start after him in chase like an awesome episode of "Starsky and Hutch"--damn I miss that show--and this is very difficult since my partner's wearing these huge ass pimpin' ho high heels. As TwigDaddy gains a big lead on us, I remember my fadora which is lined with steel (ala Goldfinger) -- my baby!! I throw it at him attempting to impede his trek, but he blocks it with the diapers -- Pampers are tough. He then starts throwing the tomatoes at us but I block them with my cane. I have some hidden talents that no one knows about and this was one of them!!
We are just about in grabbing distance when a car -- a Yugo, mind you -- screeched into the parking lot, pulls up next to TwigDaddy and he dives through the open window. The car stopped with just enough time for us to see the occupants. This is unbelievable, totally unbelievable and we know that TwigMama is going to flip her lid. There was a baby in the back in a car seat and the person driving this piece of shit car was...was...oh my...BOB SAGET!! Yes, the old worn-out used to be host of America's Funniest Home Videos and the ding dong father of Full House!!
This was an amazing discovery in the goings-on of TwigDaddy!! We both stood there amazed, well, really like what the fuck is this about? As they sped away, we realized we had a hell of a case on our hands and hurried to get back to our Caddy. We walked around the parking lot for about an hour when we realized that our Caddy had been stolen--nothing left but the hubcaps!! Well, that's understandable anyway, they were factory hubcaps!! But our Caddy, our precious baby was gone!! We stood there for a moment of silence in honor of our now deceased car!! Painfully -- in all senses of the word, especially for Det. Foxylegman whose feet were starting to blister in those 'Come and Do Me' pumps -- we start walking down the street toward our hotel (which will remain nameless since we stole some towels). All of sudden, my partner stops in the middle of the sidewalk, turns to me and says "You know, who the hell is going to be using the breast pump?" "I don't know," I answer him, "I just don't know!!!"
Investigators' Note: Could this be a sign of TwigDaddy's ending struggle to take responsibility for his parenting? Or is this a sign that TwigDaddy has found a new love (shivers--Bob Saget--ewwww) and a new baby to take care of? Stay tuned for more dramatic updates about TwigDaddy and the case involving the Breast Pump and Bob Saget. We will not let TwigMama down!!!
Don't believe what you've just read? Need proof? So glad you asked! You'll find all the proof you need to what you've read above here PROOF!
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