I'm ALIVE!!!!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Peaceful Hymns
Topic: Blogging again.
OK, my friend Len has gotten a blog and has started to harass me and...I canNOT let him be better than me! I can'tcan'tcan't!!!!

So here I am making a quick entry.

Actually I may have more time for this, I am cutting my hours at work. The blog originally was a way to keep in touch while I was going through some very heavy stuff (but...the stuff got WAY more heavy!!!) However, I have not only had a craving to update this but also...I have had a craving to write down some social commentary, religious stuff, and even some book reviews or analysis of books. So watch this space again!

One thing I want to do with the extra time in addition to catching up on some physical and mental recovery is...I want to rearrange the trailer. I'll post some pics when I can. :)

Pictures, Bee Stings, and Such...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: At Starbucks, their weird alternative stuff...
Topic: Before/after trailer pics
Well, I have some before/after pics in the photo album of the trailer, and I am also going to put in this experience with bee sting therapy. This is a copy and paste of my telling the story on some of the groups I am on. I came to Starbucks to use the hotspot so I can upload, since the signal at my place is more dialup. As to other stuff, work is going OK, my swamp cooler keeps it winter in my trailer even when it is over 100 outside, and I made my first meal in the trailer partly using the sun! I left a can of spaghetti outside with glass in front of it, then just opened the can and dumped the hot spaghetti in it. OK, now for the bee sting post...

I have been suffering from terrible sciatica that makes my feet go numb, and painful knots in my back and legs. . I know several people who use apiatherapy, or bee-sting therapy. One reason I am interested is when I was in junior high and doing gymnastics I developed the most horribly painful tendonitis in my elbow, and I didn't want to tell my parents lest they forbid gymnastics. One day, I was laying on my bed and felt this SUPER sharp pain in my elbow. I picked up my arm and saw, I swear, a red ant that was an inch long. My arm HURT and felt like it would snap off at the shoulder all day. But the next day...my tendonitis was gone and I have NEVER had it since. But I have not been stung by a bee in 25 years, so I wasn't sure if I was allergic or not, as you can develop that in the intervening years.
Well...check that...HAD not been stung.
I live on a bee keeper's land now, and some of the hives were nasty (in Tucson, ALL bees are “killer” bees. All). This one bee would NOT leave me alone, kept going for my head and then wiggling the legs like she was trying to pollinate me (I joked, as she wanted fertilization, that she wanted to have my baby). It was a drag because I have totally moved down to the trailer now, I had my junk outside and was trying to get it put away, but every time I stepped out, the little bee was after my head.
Well, the bee turned out to be Glenn Close, because I went out and she was CRAZED. This time dove for my forehead and nailed it. Of course, the stupie, she's now DEAD.
So, I was now going to find out if I was allergic, and a sting in the head is the worst place to bring an allergic reaction. I was in the trailer IMing the main lady in the big house, who had an epi pen ready. My lips and front of my tongue got numb...and then that was it!
Bee venom actually contains some of the most potent anti-inflammatory and, once the pain stuff wears off, painkillers int he business. It is basically a cortisone shot, and better. I know people who use that and swear by it, some with terrible disabilities. My sciatica has been getting very obnoxious, and a couple of other things, too. SO I am going to try it now!
The bee keeper knows the spots to sting for sciatica, as he stings himself for this, and a couple of friends, all of whom say they get relief for a month).
________________________________________

OK, at about 9AM today I did it, I had my first bee sting therapy. And all I can say is...

WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL THESE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was stung on two specific spots on my lower back for my sciatic and other pain. After a few minutes, well...

You know (and you with FMS DEFINATELY know) when you have a knot or tension and someone massages it out, how when the tension releases this little quiver runs out from the tense spot and there is relaxation? Well, suddenly from myh lower back clear to my toes for about ten minutes tension released, nearly throwing me off my feet when it started. And now, at 9PM, I have way less pain...and this was a light treatment, just those two stings and the stinger not left in long (these were "killer" bees, by the way).

I will continue this therapy, absolutely, definitely!

Move to trailer.
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: John Tesh's music show (not his playing, his picking of other people's songs).
Topic: FINALLY!
Well, I am finally in the trailer. I am finally out of the apartment. God willing, I will never sign another lease. To make it a banner day, my camera came back, they said fixed (put in new power board) although I have not tried it out yet. But in time for before/after pics.

THAT, though, still will be a little while, as I have to put Humpty together again. The last of the stuff from the apartment was all these little detailed things that take forever to put away. But hopefully soon.

I have a big swamp cooler on the side of the trailer now. Freezes my butt off, but that's good. I have a portable AC for the loft, and I have a big AC I bought a long time ago for the living room window should it get too humid for the swamp cooler. Actually I wouldn't need ACs if I wasn't a day sleeper, but since I am...I had originally bought a portable swamp cooler which was GREAT but when it got up to 111 one day it just didn't quite cut it. However, I knew the portable swamp was a temporary measure. I got it when that was all I could afford, now I am giving it to Bob to help repay him for what he did...he has all kinds of uses for that thing. I still have some other work to do...like sealing the roof with that metallic stuff, but all in all the deed is done.

I have already been staying, here and there, in the trailer all along, but it was kinda hard...I would just start "living" and then had to go back to apartment, where, when I just started "living" there I had to go back to trailer. So this is a HUGE relief.

I also have a very nice and efficient chest freezer. I freeze 2-liters and ice packs and put them in refrigerator, which works great. We have ordered a heating element for the refrigerator, though, once we found out it is not compressor-driven and so very energy efficient. The fridge actually got a little cooler when the sun shone on the back. This indicates the gasses are still in there and able to be active. We'll see if the heating element works...it is not too expensive so we felt we couldn't lose.

Once EVERYTHING is done, I want to go through my stuff, my books, my other stuff, and minimize as much as I can. I haven't had time to do much sorting so I moved everything here en masse. But I am relieved that the deed is finally done, I am finally in the trailer...and a trailer I own.

An update finally.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: 92.9 at work.
Topic: Plodding Along...
Well, what can I say? I wanted to update this a lot more often but life has not been like that.

Well, here goes the complaining again, LOL. But since last November when I began therapy, I have also had an attitude like a bull charging through obstacles. This has not been the time to be Pollyanna. I have to face what is really going on and force my way through it. I have no time to hear about "oh it will all work out" type of comments. I have to face things even if they are not pleasant. Few people truly grasp that this trailer and the situation that had me do it has not been "fun" or appreciate the desperation that went into getting this and getting it ready. And the issues I am facing are not only financial. There are things that are just not permissible in my life any more. There are people I need to confront.

I have struggled a lot with exhaustion and migraines. Although it has backed off quite a bit, for awhile there I was in an almost constant migraine state. A couple of weeks ago I had the worst one of my life. And it hit in the very early morning when I first woke up, which means I was a bit dehydrated from the night before (you are always a little dehydrated when you wake up). Well, the movement and light and all was a bad thing and I started throwing up and couldn't stop. SO the dehydration worsened and I got so weak I coudln't move. I wondered about going to the hospital but I asked Bob to take me back to the apartment and get some Eegees, two big ones, which I slurped on all day. I threw up a few more times, but I held on to enough of the Eegees that the dehydration backed off. I never felt like that, not even when I had chickenpox as a 25-year-old. I mostly just laid there for like, 24 hours. I tried to use my laptop but could not get my head at any angle tha didn't cause pain and vertigo, so I gave up on it.

Slowly the trailer comes together. Much of my furniture is there. I had cable turned off, but recorded several History Channel programs, and I have a ton of documentary tapes too. I got a good antenna and get good reception except for NBC. This includes PBS and TBN from Phoenix, whcih can have documentaries and movies. Between all of these I will be OK for now. I can get sattelite eventually.

I got a protable swamp cooler. I just felt really impressed about this one because it was relatively small and lightweight. It had the cardboard pad (most of the others have foam, and I can tell that would not be as good, on the other hand I used carboard in the past and it was awesome). It works really well, and being portable, I can put it in the loft when I am sleeping during the daytime. I can move or turn it where I need. Teresa is on this thing called Freecycle and an outdoor swamp cooler is something she is looking for. Meanwhile I have air conditioners of my own but not the situation with the electricity yet to use them. So this is the next best thing.

I sleep 12 hours or so from Tues-Wed where I change to my graveyard shift. I tried it at the trailer for the first time, and woke up sweating and with my heart racing after about six hours. The trailer itself wasn't hot, so it may have just been an adjustment issue. I brought the cooler up there, and it helped, but it took three hours to get back to sleep and then only for two hours. Still, got the first time trying that out of the way.

The place is cramped, and this can be annoying. But all in all it comes together as I move stuff in. I hope to get some before/after pics posted. I don;'t know whether I will borrow Bob's camera or if I will have mine. It took me FOREVER to make Kodak give me a repair authorization number. Now I have not found time to get it to a post office. I hope to this week, but life has not been like that. After taking weeks to get an authorization number and the problems Kodak gave me, I understand why people just buy a new one.

But posting the pics either way will be fun and something to look forward to.

Checking In
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Medieval Music
Topic: I know, I know...
I know it has been too long. I am about to leave the trailer and thought I would check in. Mostly it is just that I have nothing new to say.

I am still in a major depression. I still am trying to figure out about how to get this thing ready to live in when my lease is up when I won't have money until my lease is up and am paying taxes too, so I have to come up with a few hundred by April 15. And still find extra money to do stuff to the trailer.

Work has stunk, we have been slammed and some really nasty. Last year I did over 20 rooms maybe twice, now it is normal. In other mental states I would be glad. But this seems to be the kind of stuff I ALWAYS say in the blog. Gets old.

Doing stuff for the trailer I still have stuff breaking or not working (this time the thing I use to shower with has developed a problem). It just gets me so down. On the other hand the bathroom is now totally clean, organized, and except for the glitch in the still usable shower, it is tatlly functional. I have some curtains and stuff up now in the loft, some I brought from home, some Teresa made, and they look nice.

I am trying to tell myself, OK, get to April 15, don;t think beyond there, then to May 31. But I am sick of living that way. Just like when I find a couple of dollars on the street it is a thrill because that really means a lot...excpet again, I hate living in such a way that the difference between making it and not is a couple of dollars I find on the street. It is getting really old.

I am going to try to dash off quick notes so those that check this journal please don't stop, but I just hate all the entries that are such downers, even though they are kinda theraputic.

Hopefully the entry moods will improve.

Time Off
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Nothing (and Borders usually has cool music playing).
Topic: Here at Borders....
Well, again a long lapse. I didn't go to the trailer this week. I have a ton of stuff to do at the apartment and on the computer which I have had no time or energy for. As Bob (whose land the trailer is on) is hurting and is going to N AZ to look at land and wouldn't be there as long, and as I need a break and need to get stuff done, I decided not to go. I am exhausted, and mentally I not only continue to struggle with depression (the stuff I am doing is helping though) but also I have just had this horrible fog descend on my brain. I can't think or anything. Just overload!

So I have come first to Borders, to the fabulous T-Mobile hotspot so I can do a ton of online stuff with the fastest Internet in existence. I may come tomorrow too.

When I get home I have a ton of cleaning which I'd want to do anyway but since this complex became a HUD place they have to inspect, too. And I have to rearrange since the wireless internet works best by the window and it is awkward being there with the current configuration. And a ton of laundry, but I did save up the quarters. My complex stinks now, Presidio Point, the big drug-dealing complex in the area, canceled it's HUD rating to get rid of them right as OUR complex decided to become a HUD place, so guess where they all went? It is a nightmare there now, though NOT as bad as Craycrack, I mean, Crackcroft, I mean, Craycroft was. But I see where this is going. Before, the drug dealing was confined to that complex, and the prostitution to this one street. Presidio Point turned the drug dealers loose and a crackdown on that street simply scattered the prostitutes. So now a pretty decent area is going downhill rapidly. And then Tucson continues to grow at an obscene rate, so every day they have new customers.

I wish I could get out of this lease now. Then I'd have the money to finish the trailer and be away from all this.

I rode my bike from the trailer to work, took an hour and fifteen minutes, but I can probably cut that further. I may have mentioned that there is a way to go TO work, and a way to come FROM work, and they are both downhill! So that is a load off my mind, as I was afraid it would take two or more hours.

I continue to figure out exactly how to do things, I have a firmer picture of both the electricity and sewage situation for me, still not totally sure about water. That last one is the one place where it can be hard to be self-sufficient, but I should have all my own electricity and sewer anyhow. Makes it easy to move to N AZ when the time comes...and there the water table might be higher (in some places I know it is very close to the surface).

Got to start making curtains for the trailer, the trash bad I hang up at night just doesn't do it for me, LOL.

Irrelevant note...working for a long time the laptop gets hot as all laptops do. My wrists actually feel burned from resting on it.

Update on me...
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Modern Hymns
Topic: Stuff going on...
Been a bit since I updated. I have been struggling with a major depression.

It is a combination of a lot of things. Stuff needs to be done on the trailer of course, and money is an issue. I need to get stuff done by May when my lease is up but won't have any money to speak of until my lease is up! And if I should want new glasses or some such, outta luck. I have to cough up money to pay taxes besides. And stuff has been breaking like mad. A tape player I had brought to work to listen to musicent belly-up. I opened it up and poked around but couldn't fix it. I bought a new cheapie, plugged it in, and it SMOKED, but no music. I will take it back but, like, I really have time for this!

Then there was the fiasco with the credit card Cox was doing easypay. I use that card for nothing but Easypay. So I had no reason to notice that it expired (I pay online but expiration date is not there). Now, you would think Cox would have said, hey buddy, these credit card payments are being returned. But no, so hundreds of dollars piled up and I didn't know and they never told me.

Well, I finally figured out what was happening, called company, got new card, and couldn't use it until activated, and couldn't activate because it must be from your home phone and mine had changed since the last card. I went online, no place to change it, called the company, phone menu malfunctioned on pay phone so went over my monthly limit to call from my cell phone, and could not get a live person. Several days after getting card I FINALLY got a live person and got card activated (had called Cox meantime, they said no problem on their end). It was frustrating, I don;'t use this card for anything else so money was there, and couldn't use it! Finally, but sheesh!

But this depression is more than just all that is going on. It is physical/chemical, and I have St John's Wort, and old bottle of Sam-E, and chocolate, which really does have chemicals that fight depression (in SMALL doses). But I have also read more and more about Omega oils. We used to get so much fiber and oils from foods, now we strip the fiber away and we use saturated fats and all instead of the kinds of oils they used to do. And they are learning about the effects on not only bodies but brains. The lack of Omegas not only causes heart attack risk, but they now know it causes depression and short-term memory loss (mine has stunk lately). I add fiber to meals, but I have switched to butter (still not good but they now know, better than margarine) and have started taking a lot of Omega oil capsules. And much of the chemical problems and short-term memory problems have shown a VAST improvement. I still have depressing circumstances to deal with, but at least my body is not making it worse.

I did stay two days in the trailer in the fixed-up loft. Slept great and slowly am making it home. Got a brighter light for it and sat there listening to music and doing computer stuff on the laptop and then went to bed and read. Just like home. Now that I have lived there what I will do is becoming more apparent. I am mentally placing my stuff, etc., for when the time comes. I am going to probably have to ditch a lot of my furniture, but that is OK, it won't be needed, but everything else will fit quite comfortably. And I know how to make a slide-out room at some point in the future, too. Also I walked around the area and got to know it. That always helps it feel like home.

Well, that's all for now. Gotta get through the rest of this week.

Internet Ins and Outs
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Fan by bed in background...
Topic: End of tough week...
I am coming to the end of an awful week. Don't ask, but I may put a few anecdotes in when I get time. But one thing that stunk was the internet. The wireless actually comes off TWO signals, onme of which is a GPRS, the other I am not sure, it is just called "signal strength" on the software though each type of signal shows its strength. Well, I guess with the clouds, the GPRS side kept failing, even when the signal for the other was strong. Although you have a certain guard up (I have lost the signal strength, but with the GPRS there I still had my page load, and I have lost the GPRS but since there was a signal, the page still loaded)you need BOTH to get decent internet. But of the two, if you lose the GPRS the internet is almost impossible no matter how strong the other signal is. So I lost a lot of time yesterday because of the internet not working!

On a good note, I DID discover one place in my house has a better signal than anywhere else. On a not so good note, you probably guessed it is an awkward spot. So I am writing this on my knees by the window with the laptop precariously balanced on the speakers. But in the trailer the signal is good no matter what, and this is where I will end up.

I also found these wireless networking cards on clearance at Office Max. Still more than I want to pay but I theoretically COULD get one, and then have internet on my big PC. The only thing is, I am not sure I see the advantage. Really, the laptop is fine, if I download some file I just use the BUS key (which I lost the lid to at work, though I am hopeful it will turn up in some wierd place, since I had some nasty stuff at work this week and it was on one of those days it disappeared so now I am REALLY careful of where I put it so as not to damage the head that goes in the bus port). But still, interesting to know.

One more night of work. To the trailer tomorrow!

Back At The Apartment...
Now Playing: Nothing
Topic: Trailer and Internet
Actually I am at Borders on the high speed, doing a bunch of work such as scheduling bill payments, updating pages, reading my groups, etc. Got a LOT done.

I have completed the first night at the trailer. Worked on it Sunday and Monday. Got WAY more done than I thought we would, and I have no doubt that money is the only thing that will keep me from being able to be done with the big structural stuff by May 31 when my lease is up. I learned a lot about the trailer just from that one night.

I also loved how the net worked on my laptop. T-Mobile says that this is only a fair area for them, but the signal was real strong!

On another note, I am using the laptop so much that I am now having a problem with regular PCs. I go to it, and then stand confused wondering where the finger pad is to move the cursor. I bet you other laptop owners do this too!

Now to work at my apartment during my days on, then back to the trailer on my weekend.

In My Trailer
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Medieval Music
Topic: At last, in my new home.
So, here I sit at last in my trailer. On a laptop with wireless internet hooked up to a battery pack with solar and battery powered lights and a tape player that was on the battery pack but now is on a singal cord run from an outside plug on my friend's home. With two patches done on the roof, a minor bit of brushing and vaccuming of the carpet, and cleaning out of the bathtub so I can shower tomorrow, which I will do with a pump sprayer using water heated by a propane burner.

But everyone has to start somewhere, and my life has become intolerable the way it was. This is a start, no matter what else can be said about it. This is a start.

I will live in this for one or two days a week and get stuff done, and then I will go back to my apartment which is close to work, and go through things and slowly pack and, as the trailer is fixed, move stuff to the trailer.

I have a bed made up, in a little bit I will curl upwith my book until I fall asleep.

The first time is done. The ball is rolling.