apparently my life is a big joke.....
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: the road i'm on by three doors down
I guess my life is joke to some of my friends. One big long joke that keeps going and going kind of like the energizer bunny.

"She said life’s a lot to think about sometimes
When you’re living in between the lines..."

Interesting thought, I guess I am living inbetween the lines, trying to figure out what I'm actually doing and where I actually belong.

Anyway, enough of being depresssing...I feel I'm actually getting somewhere with my research. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, an end to the tedious work that seems to go on forever.

I start teaching this week so that should be a good change of pace for a little while at least. I'm kind of excited about teaching lab this semester, things are going to be different, haven't decided yet if it's for the better or not but I guess we'll see in the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, I'm again working on the weekend, trying to get things done but it feels like they just go on forever, maybe soon things in the lab will slow down but I doubt I think at least for the next year or so they're going to be kind of hectic, which is unfotunate, but that's the life of a grad student.

it's been awhile....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Nickel Creek--Reasons Why
It's been quite awhile since the last time I wrote. It's been a year and a half. The last time was when I first moved out to the east coast. Well, I'm still here chugging along in grad school. Somedays are good, some days are stressful. Lately it's been somewhat stressful trying to get all of this work done but yet not burn myself out. I can honestly say this is what I expected of grad school but I'm not sure I truly understood how much work it would be. I really miss the midwest and the wide open spaces. Not much chance to get out in Nature around here. I miss hiking every weekend, bonfires, and relaxing outdoors. I miss all of my family, even the really crazy ones. I guess I really didn't know how much they were apart of my life until I couldn't see them everyday or do things with them without a second thought. It's a different life out here. Fast paced and everyone is worried about the time. There's no relaxing here, always have to be on the go. I do however need to get out more but it's difficult when all your friends either don't want to or cancel plans all the time. Maybe with the start of another semester things will change....I know that I will be writing more often, no taking a year and half off.....

And so starts another chapter in my life....
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When I graduated from high school I never thought that after graduating from college I would be headed for even more higher education. But I now find myself in a totally new place, new people and an uncerntainty that I felt when I headed off to college for the first time. It seems everyone else has confidence in me except for myself. Hopefully they have enough that I can use for myself. Anyway, I arrived on the east coast three weeks ago and have been running around nonstop. I didn't realize that out here I don't get to rest but what can you do. Everyday is something new, sometimes I find myself wondering what am I doing. Hey but who knows maybe I won't make a food of myself.

It's been awhile...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Champagne Supernove
So it's been awhile since the last time I wrote in here, I thought maybe it was about time. So far so good, the semester is off and running. Can't believe how quickly it is going by. I'm so busy, I need to slow down somehow, but I just can't imagine how. I need to go to class and work. I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I actually don't have a lot to say. Oh, this past weekend was a blast. I haven't had that much fun in a long time, it was nice to relax and not worry about anything.

Forgiveness....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Alanis Morrisette's Forgiven
So goes another weekend and starts another week of craziness wishing I was somewhere else. What can you do except move on. Forgive those who hurt you and love those in need. Forgiveness is something quite unique. It can relieve a dying spirit and enrage the meekest person. I don't know how much longer I can live with this hurt in my heart. Each day I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself. Soon I won't be able to pull myself out. I fall but don't get back up, I hurt but never heal. How much more must I take before it stops? How much more will I have to go through to understand the meaning of it all? Questions race through my mind but I find no answers. Strength to get up each day gets less and less. The only day I look forward to is Wednesdays. When I know there will be a letter. A letter I can't wait to read or respond to.

Random Song:

I'll Be by Edwin McCain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus:
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus:
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

Sitting in my room....
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: nickel creek - when you come back down
Going crazy here with nothing to do. Going out of my mind. I feel like this room is going to swallow me whole if I don't get out of it. Can't sit in the quiet, need music or the tv going at all times. If I don't hear any sound I feel like my head is going to cave in. I can't believe that this is happening to me. How can so many thoughts run through my head and I can't seem to write about a single one of them. I can't seem to make sense of anything in my brain anymore. It's amazing how much pain you can handle before breaking down. All I want is peace and quiet, but my head can't handle it.

So I think the Nickel Creek song fits perfectly:

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

[Bridge:]
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

Yep that's about it for now.

People!!!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
For some odd reason good friends have been making me angry. It's almost like there irritating me on purpose. Saying things just to get a rise out of me. I don't understand, if they were really my friends would they do that?

Friendship, I question it everyday. What does it really mean? Some one to listen to your problems, someone who will defend you, someone who you can trust until your dying day, or is it a person that would move mountains for you if they could? Well it seems that I'm a good friend without any friends of my own.

Friendship...

The hope of a trust not lost,
The comfort of a hand on your shoulder,
The offer of an ear to listen to the heartbreak,
The voice saying "I will be there through it all",
The words that defend your honor,
The presence of the body helping you stand,
The eyes that aren't judging,
The bond that is never ceasing,
The kindness that endures,
The strength in a hug,
The power of a gesture,
The love that could move mountains.

I guess this is what is means to me. I found some qualities in some of my friends, but others I question day in and day out.

Random song:
Goodbye Girl by Hootie and the Blowfish

All your life you've waited for love to come and stay
Now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've heard before
Darlin' you must trust them for me
Trust them just once more
Cause baby goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away oh
'Cause the things you do my Goodbye Girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin' in
I can wait forever, a-helpin' you to see
I was meant for you, my love and you were meant for me

Remember goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still have my heart
So forget your past my Goodbye Girl
Now you're home at last.

The world keeps spinning...
Mood:  down
The world is a funny place these days, you never know what is going to be thrown your way. I say applaud the strong ones that can live with what is put in there paths. Applaud the ones that can overcome and still look ahead to the future and hope for the best. It's getting tougher every day for me to that.

I don't know what to expect anymore and sometimes I dread tomorrow. I wish I would live in a bubble and not have to worry about what the world could do to me. Maybe I'm paranoid or maybe going a little crazy from all the pain that I see people suffer from.

I think the world would be better and the people would be better if the world were made up of silly walks. Everyone would look ridiculous and maybe there would be more understanding among people and groups of people. People would maybe finally get along and not hurt others.

Even though we hurt one another the world keeps spinning and keeps moving around the sun. Never slowing down or stopping. You lose your balance but you get right back up again. When you're soaring in the clouds or stars gravity pulls you back down to the solid ground. Sometimes I wish I could stay with the clouds or stars, life would be so much easier.

Holding On....
Well another day went by and feeling even more alone. Is that even possible? The road keeps getting lonlier and lonlier. Can't even think straight anymore, my mind wanders from memory to memory, from face to face.

Sadness for some reason has overtaken my emotions. All I want to do is cry. I hate feeling like this, when will it stop? When will it get better? I see everyone else being happy and I wonder is that even possible for me?

Is there anyone out there for me, I have all these emotions, but no one to direct them too. I thought for maybe once in my life I could be happy, but that was taken from me in a moment. In a blink of an eye I lost it.

Move on and move forward. Keep going and live your life. You only get one and you wouldn't want to waste it. Change yourself, change people, change the world.

Give love, receive love. How much love do you have to give before you receive any in return? You can live all of your life and never for one moment regret what you've done, but you will always regret what you haven't done. Go for it, acheive what you set out to. Make it happen and relish in your victory.

Randomness
Feel the rain on your face
let it fall on your skin
smell the freshness in the air



Lose yourself
Lose all hope
Lose all sense
Lose the true meaning

Find yourself
Find Life
Find the Truth



Question Everything
Find Answers
Question Again



Look Around the world
Drink it all in
Begin to live
Get hurt
Start over, get hurt again
Then begin again
Finally the end of life
Look back
memories, sorrows, trials,
happinesses, joys.
It was worth it all
Dying is a remembrance
of life.



Leave it, lay it down
Move on, forget the
stumbling stones.
Let it wash over you
bring yourself to a
new understanding



Pull back
Move forward
Forget the sorrows
Forget the people who
hurt you
Let go and live
Worries ware you down
Brush them off and
dance
Dance till you're content
Happiness and hope
pull you through



Look forward
Ahead
future
forget
past
expectations
Live
Now
for yourself
Let Go
Bring
home understanding



I would go to the ends of the earth, the problem is there isn't any end to the Earth.


It's a passing
Don't let it get to you today
You won't make it to tomorrow.