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Finding myself has always been my challenge.
Maybe thats true for all of us. Finding myself
has taken almost 23 years, and I still haven't completed
the task. I began as a small child who arrived
from the Philippines. From what I remember, it was
wonderful, frightening, and exciting. I grew up in
an environment in which self-knowledge was never
stressed. How do others view you?- was the
key question- never, How do you view yourself?
Maybe it was just an exaggerated version of what
everyone goes through. We go through life worrying
about what the world thinks of us. That worry can
turn into a nasty critic who keeps whispering in our
ear- you're not good enough; you're doing it all
wrong; you'll never get it right.
How do we handle that nasty critic? I'd like to kill the critic, but that doesn't work. He- or she- has been there too long to disappear overnight. So I try to accept it as a part of me. The more I accept those parts of me I don't like, and the more I work on changing them, the less pronounced they become. I'm writing all this to you because I have a feeling that, although we're different, we're also the same. We're all fighting fear; we're all fighting the nasty critic; we're all fighting falling self esteem and rising self-abuse; we're all trying to take better care and be kinder to ourselves. For me, finding that kindness depends upon believing in something greater than myself. I believe in determination and heart. I believe that, despite our doubts, we do what we have to do. We press on. We get up and go to school, go to work, deal with our relationships, learn what needs to be learned. We work toward our goals and pursue our dreams. We don't let fears stop us. I believe in your uniqueness, in your special gifts, just as I've come to believe in mine. I also believe in God. God as a source of strength and protection against negativity. God who lives inside us and guides us into the light of learning. God- the loving spirit within- is how I wake up in the morning and face the tasks ahead. Like I've said many times before, I want to thank my true friends and family for staying with me all these years, and, in so many ways, encouraging me to be true to myself. I can only wish the same for you.
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