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Presidential Pep Rally

*tap tap tap* Is this thing on??

Ahem...Welcome ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming out tonight. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.......(and be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses)

A very frightening fact came to my attention recently, and I’m not quite sure whether to be surprised, aghast, or in utter shock. Strange as it may seem, it’s an issue of national security.

We’ve all seen them, the all-to-happy guys on the sidelines of sporting events, tossing around their megaphones and stacking helpless college girls in mile high pyramids. Carrying around their little banners with the team’s logo waving triumphantly in air, they’re like larger than life heroes.......only they’re male cheerleaders. I can’t help but wonder what would posses a man to dance around like an idiot and scream things at the top of his lungs. Ok, you’re right, maybe I can.

Anyways, to find where this cheerleading phenomenon effects us, we must look no further than the head of our country. The executive branch of our nation was once the executive branch of a super-duper snowflake formation. Yes our George W. Bush, the bomb dropping, no-nonsense Texan rancher, was holding up a Yale megaphone before holding up our nation. One can’t help but shiver at the thought. We need to prepare ourselves for the day when our national motto might become, “Two pence, four pence, six pence, a dollar, if you’re for the U.S. stand up and holler!!!”

Think of the ramifications of this fact. Perhaps we have an advantage over our military enemies. Who better to rally the troops and get them pumped for battle than a pom pom waving president! “You say Bald, I say Eagles!! (Bald!) Eagles!! Department of DeeeeeeeeeFENCE!!!” I can nearly feel the excitement already! Picture five thousand Marines bursting through a giant screen, with Georgy boy at the front doing back handsprings all the way to Afganistan! “Hey, Osama, go back to Mama cause we’re comin’, hey hey, we’re comin’!” Bin Laden will be so scared he’ll be wiggling in his cave like a small bladdered wiener dog that just finished off a gallon of iced tea.

Is this what our founding fathers envisioned as they deliberated? Maybe it was. Patriotism shows itself these days only when tragedy arises. So my solution? I thought you’d never ask. WE NEED CHEERLEADERS IN THE MILITARY. Simple as that.

I have a dream. A dream where State of the Union address is much more like a gargantuan pep rally. So join me in my quest, and, “GooooooOOOOOO Eagles!!!!”

Thanks folks, I’ll be in town till Tuesday. Try the cheesecake!