Title: The Frankenstein
Category: thoughts, humor
Season: third or later
Sequel: companion to
‘The Jones Complex’
Content Warnings: Minor
Summary: The thoughts of
our favorite theoretical astrophysicist as she conducts a potentially hazardous
Wow! This is amazing! This
is incredible and, well, really cool! I mean, this is just—
This is a stupid
Came the Colonel’s voice
in her head. She scoffed in resentment. What did the Colonel know about this
kinda stuff anyway? Hell, he gets to play with all of the little gadgets in her
lab… why couldn’t she just take a few short, careful moments to play with…
ahem, study… this very interesting, potentially valuable and very
advanced alien technology?
Duh, because it’s alien
and because it’s very advanced. Jeez, Carter, for someone as smart
as you’re supposed to be, you sure have a gift for missing the point.
She shook the unbidden
voice of her commanding officer out of her mind and looked around, wary of
company. It wasn’t aliens or monsters or anything like that that she was
worried about… it was her teammates. They would kill her if they knew
what she was doing…
A secret experiment in a
dark, underground chamber. She was surrounded by the silhouettes of
unidentifiable equipment and her fingers itched to turn each and every one of
the hulking machines on, just to see if she could. Just to find out what would
happen if she did. She was a kid in a candy store. Or more, a mad scientist on a
She imagined the whole
scene in black and white, herself in a grayish-white lab coat, hair frazzled,
surrounded by the chilling zzzzt of electricity coursing through a
primitive configuration of electrodes and copper wire, beakers on Bunsen burners
filled with a two-tone ‘rainbow’ of boiling liquids, the white bursts of
lightning crashes filtering in through the barred window high up the great stone
wall of the chamber.
She would adamantly deny
it if anyone ever asked, but it was watching a stupid movie as a kid that first
made her consider becoming a scientist. Just looking at her, no one ever pegged
her as having maniacal tendencies, but the truth was, there was this teeny-tiny-eensy-weensy
little piece of her that wanted to laugh psychotically and shout ‘YYEESS!
I’VE DONE IT!’ at the top of her lungs, drunk with power, just as a bolt of
lightening crashed, setting the outline of her form ablaze. Just like Dr.
Back in real life, the
scene was set. She scurried around the alien lab, taking power readings and
connecting frayed wires. All in all, she was, as the Colonel would say, touching
way too much stuff. Hell, she was touching everything.
And there’s not a
single damn thing you can do if you don’t know about it, sir.
She grinned evilly and
looked around once more. Good. The door was still closed and she couldn’t hear
anything happening outside. She rubbed her hands together with delight and
released a mental mmmwahahaha.
This was it. Everything
was ready. All she had to do, was throw The Switch.
‘The Switch,’ she had
determined, was a small lever on the wall opposite the door. Just a few short
She walked slowly,
savoring every step, relishing the sound of her combat boots quietly squeaking
with each motion of her feet. Her lips twitched a bit as she tried not to burst
out laughing from the high.
Three more steps. Two
more. A few inches. Her fingers were positively tingling with anticipation and
she reached out to depress the lever on the wall…
“Carter! Get the hell
away from that thing!”
How does he do
that? She gasped in surprise at the booming sound of her CO’s
voice and the movement of her hand ground to a halt. She cringed as she turned
around to face him.
“But sir, I--,”
“Don’t ‘but sir’
me, Carter. I distinctly remember telling you not to touch anything. Honestly,
I’d expect this sort of thing from Daniel, but you?” The Colonel was
mad. And exasperated. And mad. Shit.
“Sorry, sir,” she
mumbled as she slowly retreated from the lever and headed toward the Colonel and
“Yeah, well. While you
were busy playing ‘mad scientist’ down here, we actually found some stuff
upstairs, so if you wouldn’t mind joining us…”
“Didn’t know you were
coming apart, sir,” she whispered under her breath, hiding a smile. Oh, yeah.
Maniacal alright. No… maybe ‘masochistic’ was the word…
“What was that?” The
“Oh, nothing, sir.”
“Yeah, right, sure. You
know, maybe I should just tattoo ‘Colonel’ on my forehead. Then maybe, maybe,
somebody around here will listen to me for a change.”
Unbeknownst to the
bickering pair, whose backs were now turned to the wall with the switch, one of
the joists of the exposed ceiling above had been falling victim to the P99-84G
equivalent of termites. At that moment, the integrity of the beam failed, and
with a loud crack, it snapped in half, a large chunk of timber sliding down the
The Colonel and Major
turned just in time to see the piece of wood slam down on the lever, allowing
power to flow to the machines in the room. Sparks flew as ancient resistors
failed in the various mechanisms and they watched in horror as the current
traveled the wires, blowing up equipment as it went.
The Colonel pushed Sam out
the door and slammed it shut behind them just as a huge explosion rocked the
building, sending them both flying hard into the wall of the hallway.
Breathless, Sam blinked in
amazement and utter confusion, mesmerized by the fires and sparks now visible
through the blown-out doorway across from her.
With a groan, the Colonel
stood and glared down at her. Finally, he sighed and reached down, grabbed her
by her vest, and pulled her to her feet.
As he dragged her away, gaping and pointing in the direction of the lab, she began to reassess the value of following orders. Maybe she should listen to the Colonel more often…
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