TITLE: Vows
AUTHOR: Devra
EMAIL: paravati@optonline.net
ARCHIVE: Majel's Homepage, Tok'ra Flats, all others, please ask
CATEGORY: Angst, thoughts
SPOILERS: None
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 5
RATING: PG
STATUS: WIP
CONTENT WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: The lives of SG1 as viewed by another.
DISCLAIMER: Standard request for producers not to sue for various and sundry reasons especially due to the fact that I have no money.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The lives of teammates intertwined for five years must resemble a marriage of sorts. Vows is the breakdown of actual marriage vows. Better...Worse... Sickness...Health...Richer…Poorer...'Til Death Do Us Part, and how it applies to the various members of SG1. Thank you to Jenn, not only for the magic that she worked on Better and the remaining portions of Vows, but for the early morning and late night emails. For listening to me through the wires and for always giving me support to keep going. You are the best, grasshopper...patience is a virtue.
Feedback is always a welcome guest at my house.
Part 1: Better
"Mom, you promised," Cassie whined to her for approximately the 40th time that day. 'Change that,' Janet thought. 'Only 40 times since I've been home. There were at least 20 phone calls with a voice that was tantamount to whining while I was at work.'
"They promised, everyone promised...Even General Hammond promised."
"General Hammond promised, Cassie?"
"Yes," she replied, eyes downcast now expecting the talking-to I was going to give to her for even approaching the man. Hands on my hips, I looked at my daughter standing before me, seeing how she had grown from the little, frightened child to the beautiful young girl on the cusp of womanhood. The ringing phone gave her a reprieve from her dressing down for bothering busy generals.
I beat her to the phone and listened in shock as the General asked to speak to Cassie. Handing her the phone, I listened intently to the one sided conversation, more attuned to the change in her face than anything else. "Uncle George wants to speak to you," Cassie said handing back the phone.
'Uncle George' indeed. The entire SGC spoiled Cassie rotten as far as I was concerned. "Yes General?"
"Doctor Fraiser, I hope you understand what a special young woman you have there."
"Yes sir."
With a chuckle he answered, "I order you to be proud of her tonight, Janet."
My curiosity had suddenly gotten the better of me. What would the General have knowledge of that Cassie hadn't thought fit to share with me. "Sir, I would..."
"Doctor. My lips are sealed." With a sigh he continued, "you're going to give me those really big needles on my next physical, aren't you doctor?" General asked genuine fear reflected in his voice.
I laughed and wished him a good evening.
A quick glance at the clock in the living room sent Cassie into a teenage frenzy. "Mom, look at the time! Why didn't you tell me it was so late? I need to get ready." I looked at her with that typical 'you better tell your mother or die' glance that parents manage to perfect during their child's formative years.
Cassie returned it with the look that teenagers had perfected over the centuries, the 'you are so stupid, but I love you---tolerate--- you anyway'. "SG1 is okay. The weather prevented their timely return yesterday. But Uncle George..."
'What the hell is with her and this Uncle George shtick?' Janet thought.
"Mom, are you listening?"
"Sorry honey...just drifted there for a moment." I replied, totally chastised.
"What was I saying...oh yeah...Uncle George will hold off their debriefing until tomorrow. They're going to meet us at the school auditorium. I'm going to go get ready, don't want to be late." Cassie took off in a huff, ticking off loudly all the things that were required for her being on time for the ceremony.
How the hell was my daughter, the light of my life, going to be late for a 7:15 ceremony when it was only 4:15 pm?
* * * *
I hated breaking promises. It was killing me that we were delayed. God, there was no way I wanted to disappoint Cassie by missing this awards ceremony. I spent my teenage life being disappointed by the parent who never showed up for anything I considered important in my life. Only what he considered to be important. Well at least now we were through the gate and down the ramp on the way to the infirmary and showers. General Hammond met us in the hallway.
"Peachy mission sir. I think the only thing not wet on my body is..."
With a sigh, Hammond replied "I don't want you to go there Colonel. No visualizations, please. Go to the infirmary, have Dr. Warner check you out...we'll debrief tomorrow morning at 1000."
Today was 'girls' day to shower first...then the infirmary. It felt good to finally be dressed in warm, dry clothes. Key word being dry. Telling my stomach to stop its rumbling, I walked to the infirmary to take my place as next in line for our post mission exams.
Daniel was sitting on the gurney waiting for his turn and I jumped up next to him and attempted to share a smile. He returned what would be considered more of a grimace than an actual smile. I heaved a mental sigh, realizing I had taken to grouping our missions into three categories. Very good...which would signify SG1 returning with all of our body parts intact and a possible acquisition of naquada, minerals, weapons, etc. In all honesty those missions have been few and far between as of late.
The last category would be the Very Bad category...which was just what it sounded like... someone or everyone comes back sick, bleeding, injured, goa'ulded or in Daniel's case addicted to something or dead.
But the second category, the category which most of our missions have been falling into is the Bad category. This is the one where Colonel O'Neill and Daniel fight, scream, argue and just generally disagree on every possible subject for the entire length of time we are off world.
But lately, I've had the need to make up a new category, one that's been breaking my heart, because I don't see any end in sight for these. For want of a better word, I would call this one the Extremely Bad category. The only difference between this and the Very Bad category, is that the injuries that occur during these missions do not draw visible blood. All the injuring is done on the mental level, and it's these missions that are destroying my...our team.
See in this category, just the Colonel is busy yelling, screaming, fighting and disagreeing with Daniel. Daniel just patiently looks at the Colonel and waits for him to finish. More often than not, the Colonel has been looking towards Teal'c and me to take sides with him against Daniel. I try not to...I really do. But sometimes the fact that Daniel lets the Colonel walk all over him makes me angry. Doesn't Daniel realize that neither I nor Teal'c can literally tell the Colonel to 'fuck off', but he can without any military repercussions? But I know Daniel, and he would never say anything like that. Daniel had and always will fight for a point that he believed in, but regarding his friendship with Colonel O'Neill, it's like he has acquiesced to the bully on the playground. I realized in a moment of clarity that's what our commanding officer has become...a bully. And I also realized that all of us have, myself included, let him.
I was so lost in thought, I wasn't even aware that Daniel had been prodded and scanned, and had blood drawn until I felt him touch my arm.
"Sam...it's your turn."
My smile this time was rewarded with a genuinely happy smile from our Dr. Jackson. I found out the reason why a moment later. "I'm gonna shower and go home quickly to change. I'll pick you up for Cassie's awards ceremony tonight. But Jack thought that maybe we should do dinner first."
What a wonderful commanding officer our Colonel O'Neill has become, occasionally throwing a bone Daniel's way. But I smiled at Daniel's happiness and agreed to the plans.
* * * *
'Better,' I thought to myself as I watched my team interact over dinner. I had held my breath when we first entered the restaurant and were greeted in the foyer by the Colonel and Teal'c who had arrived together. The Colonel had walked over to Daniel, adjusted his shirt "Behave yourself tonight. None of the crap like you pulled today." I watched as a look of hurt settled on Daniel's face, but instead of withdrawing like he had been doing in the past, he responded with, "You're a tough audience Jack." He paused and waited for the Colonel to process that remark.
There seems to be a looseness surrounding the Colonel tonight and Daniel responded in kind by not nitpicking over everything and relaxing. One thing I have learned about Daniel, being his friend and teammate for almost six years, was Daniel had a hard time relaxing...I guess he is afraid to let himself be happy. Not that I blame him.
We leave the restaurant the way we came--in two cars. Following the Colonel and Teal'c, we gossiped. Daniel has a wickedly wry sense of humor that shines when he is in the mood. We shared a few laughs and I unwound after the tension that follows the majority of our missions.
Neither one of us had any idea why Cassie summoned all of SG1 to the awards ceremony tonight, or for that matter, why the General agreed to postpone the debriefing until tomorrow. But then again, it involved Cassie and she has the ability to wrap all of us around her little finger, the General being no exception.
We greeted Janet by the entrance to the auditorium...acknowledging that Cassie was receiving an award, but she is in as much as the dark as the rest of us about what it entails.
We found seats and I laughed to myself as to the strange group we presented to the outside world. We sat in a row all to ourselves, but then again, I wouldn't ask either Teal'c or the Colonel to move so I could get to the inner seats...no matter how crowded the auditorium was.
We sat in the auditorium seats as we go through the gate. We do it subconsciously, but that is obviously how we also go through life. Teal'c had taken point with Daniel, me and Janet in the middle with the Colonel guarding our six. Daniel laughed and made a comment to me regarding our positioning. His laughter is infectious and his mood is much better than the doom and gloom in the infirmary. I'm happy and comfortable with my place on SG1, for the first time in a long time.
We read our programs, the names of the awards are listed, but not the recipients. Obviously it is one that Cassie is very proud of or we would not all be here. I looked over at Janet, who was tapping both her hands against the arm of the chair in anticipation. The Colonel leaned over to grab a hand the same time I do. We made eye contact and smiled at each other. Comfortable.
The lights dimmed and the ceremony began. The actual ceremony was long and tedious as we awaited Cassie's walk across the stage. I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open... what we on SG1 commonly refer to as 'post mission syndrome' (or PMS as the guys inform me). Finally, we are down to one of the last awards when a teacher who has not taken the podium before gets up to speak. She talks about the recipient of this writing award receiving a scholarship in the amount of $25,000 to the college of their choice. "I have been an English teacher for 20 years and head of the English Department for over five years. Every year I submit papers of promising high school students to the Harriman Foundation regarding this scholarship. This is the first time in the school's history that one of our students was, not only in the running, but won the top scholarship. When I first read this student's paper..." The teacher paused and made eye contact with the audience, "Well you know people, my words cannot describe how this writing made me feel. I'm going to let the winning student read the paper and then you will understand my feelings and why she was the winner. Let me introduce to you the winner of this years Harriman Foundation Scholarship, Ms. Cassandra Fraiser."
I believe we collectively stopped breathing as Cassie walked across the stage. I grabbed Janet's hand tighter...feeling it tremble as our self-assured Cassie began. "My essay was on Family." She stopped and smiled to herself.
"A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
Now I know we stopped breathing...she wouldn't, no she couldn't, she wouldn't dare....
"I was very much like everyone else sitting in this room. I had a mother, father, siblings and an extended family. But in the blink of an eye, tragedy struck my family and I came crashing down to earth. And suddenly, I became different from those around me."
Oh Cassie...if only the people in the audience were aware of how true that statement actually was.
"But I was luckier than most. My fall from security was cushioned by the wonderful woman I now refer to as my mother. I call this woman, known to the outside world as Dr. Janet Fraiser, my mother, not because she "replaced" my biological mother; no one ever has or ever will fill that void in my life. I have granted her the title of mother because she loves me unconditionally. She was my safe haven and harbor. An angry, scared, confused child came into her life and she opened her arms to me, giving me a place to rest my head when I was scared, or angry or confused. No words of thanks can express how she helped heal my soul, her mere presence a safe harbor when the waves of my life threaten to pull me down. For the woman who is the mother in my life...I thank you.
Besides my mother, I have been blessed many times over. You see, my extended family doesn't consist of grandparents or aunts, uncles and cousins--I have no blood relations living. Yet I do have family in the truest sense of the word.
Our gene pool is not shared, nor is our blood type, but each one in their own way deserves a place on my family tree. For the things they have taught me, for their ability to add a little piece to the puzzle of my life, for the love they have shown me...I would like to thank them.
Thank you Uncle Teal'c ...for showing me that being a stranger in strange land should be looked upon as an opportunity for growth. To open up to people who are not like you can be a rewarding experience. For showing me that internal strength is as much a virtue as it is an external strength. And for taking that one giant leap of faith on that one day...bringing you closer to our family but further away from your own. My words are an insufficient 'thank you' for your sacrifice. To the man who is the warrior in my life... I give thanks.
Thank you to my Uncle Daniel. Tragedies make strange bedfellows and his ability to share of his life has comforted me more than a hug or touch possibly could. He is the gentle soul of our family, our conscience, but never weak...With his boundless tenacity, he will fight for the rights of others. His words are his weapons and for that I thank him. For showing me the power of the word...whether written or spoken; words can sooth as much as hurt. He has offered me comfort in words and shown me the strength and hurt that words can inflict. For giving me the guidance to respect words, that harsh words can break a friendship or a family tie and that simple words can mend and comfort. For the power of words he has shown me, for the words he has spoken, the words he has written, and for all the unspoken words he has conveyed to me...for the man who is the scholar in my life, I give thanks.
Thank you to my Uncle Jack...who began his role in my life as an Uncle but has maneuvered his way into my heart to be thought of as a father. To the man who has shown me that family does not need to be blood...that sometimes the closing of a door in one lifetime will open up countless others. He has shown me the importance of keeping the family protected and close to your heart. For watching over me and guiding me with simple wisdom. For showing me the beauty of the things around me...the sunrise, the call of the wild loon and that sometimes patience will actually bring a fish to bite the lure. With his guidance I have learned honesty is a virtue but only if you are honest with yourself first. Winning an argument or making a point is not winning if a friendship is lost is the process. Being able to laugh at one's self is a gift we give to ourselves to make life easier. For the man who is the guide and protector in my life...I give thanks.
Thank you to Sam...who began her role in my life as a savior but now occupies my heart as my aunt, big sister, another mother and best friend. She taught me intelligence is strength and has shown me that outer beauty may fade but the glow of our inner beauty will light up the darkest night. My Sam has taught me never to hide beauty behind intelligence and never to hide intelligence behind beauty. Sam has instructed me to enter every situation with my eyes open, for sometimes the answers are right in front of me. That searching too hard will occasionally obscure the obvious ...that maybe your family and friends who are hiding in plain sight will be the ones to help you over life's hurdles. She has taught me to be open, to both feelings and ideas. Do not skirt around the issues, because that hurts no one but you. Do not overlook the obvious while searching for something because home is where your family is. To the woman who is the pillar of strength in my life.....I give thanks.
I have been doubly blessed in my life with the love of my first family that was taken from me and my new family who now shares my life. They have shown me that family is more than parentage, blood ties, matching DNA strands. Family is the collection of people with whom you share your life, who hurt when you hurt, cry when you cry, rejoice when you rejoice...feel what you feel. For the people who are the family of my heart...I thank you."
As Cassie stepped away from the microphone, I am awed by the hushed silence in the auditorium. When the applause began, it is thunderous and people were standing in appreciation of Cassie's words. Janet rose, pulling me and the Colonel up to our feet. I looked down at Daniel and Teal'c and motioned for them to stand. We applauded with the majority of the auditorium, our faces flushed in embarrassment. Sitting, we smiled as Cassie graciously accepted the award and smiled in our general direction. I am sure she was unable to distinguish us in the bright stage lights, but I would like to believe she knows exactly where we're sitting because she obviously knows the part we played in her life. Roles that this team never knew they occupied. A few more awards are handed out before the conclusion of the ceremony.
SG1 sat in silence, stunned by the truths Cassie revealed. Insights into people who are no longer part of this team. People who have become four strangers to each other. The people Cassie referred to are buried under our experiences through the gate. I looked at my teammates to see them glancing over at me as well as each other...we are embarrassed...I am embarrassed by what we have become.
The teacher who presented the award approached our aisle accompanied by Cassie. Introductions are made, and I sensed her sizing us up against what was written. I smiled at Janet and in turn we hugged first her and then Cassie. I whispered in her ear how much her words meant to me and I hoped I could live up to her expectations.
Janet is invited to attend a reception in the gym for the family and friends of the award recipients. Cassie invited us also and the teacher gushed that our appearance would be wonderful. I am exhausted, it had been a long day and the others must feel the same way as we all courteously begged off.
Janet invited us all to a dinner tomorrow at her house and to that, we agreed. I felt happy for Janet as she headed off with Cassie to bask in her wonderful accomplishment.
Daniel turned so he is leaning against the back of the chair in front of us. Arms crossed over his midline, head hanging, he muttered something. I leaned forward sensing this is something he wanted us to hear...but as I went to touch Daniel's arm, the Colonel softly called for Daniel's attention. "Danny, you were saying something?" Daniel's head shot up as the Colonel had used a nickname from our earlier missions. He smiled tentatively and said, loud enough for his teammates to hear, "Out of the mouth of babes come words of wisdom."
"Yeah Daniel, I would like to think that, I know that's how..."
"It used to be, Jack."
I glanced at my team. I am exhausted, mentally and physically, but I did not wish to go home to an empty house. I wanted to savor the words of Cassie's speech, I wanted to get those people back. If the truth be told, I missed those people.
"Ice cream...I could go for some ice cream." The Colonel stated, making eye contact with each of us. His eyes lingered on Daniel for a moment.
Aware of the scrutiny, Daniel answers, "Coffee."
"Dammit, Daniel...I said ice cream, not..." already the Colonel has lost patience.
Daniel lowered his head then raised it...a gleam in his eyes. "Listen Jack...I meant ice cream, coffee ice cream."
I'm really not sure that's what Daniel actually meant, but from the look on the Colonel's face, he was totally chastised and blushed.
"Phish food, O'Neill, I desire a container of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food." I laugh at the thought of Teal'c and the container of Ben & Jerry's. Teal'c rivaled me with his love of all things chocolate.
"Don't even say it Carter....as long as it's chocolate."
* * * *
We sat in the Colonel's kitchen, various open containers of melted ice cream scattered across the table. Melted portions from the numerous flavors snake puddles on his table. All the accoutrements littered the space amidst the ice cream containers. Daniel had taken to eating the maraschino cherries out of the glass jar with his fingers, Teal'c is amazed at the whipped cream dispensers and it was very close to being pornographic, to watch him as he consumed the topping, as he has taken to licking it off his fingers and from around his mouth. Myself, I've picked the chocolate pieces off the cake we used as a base for our sundaes. The Colonel was throwing M&M pieces up the air and impressing us with his spatial sense by catching them in his mouth.
Daniel leaned forward sliding the empty glass jar across the table. "I think I've had enough." I laughed and slapped his hand away from the piece of chocolate that he had attempted to extricate from the cake. "Mine!" I mumbled with a full mouth.
Shaking his head, our CO put in his two cents. "Daniel...five years and you still have not paid attention. The three most important things about gate travel... 1. Always have your weapon ready and loaded, 2. Always make sure there is a functioning DHD on the other side, and last by not least, 3. Never come between Carter and her chocolate."
The Colonel stuck his tongue, coated with an M&M rainbow, out at me, and I responded in kind. We laughed and Teal'c attempted a smile through his whipped cream orgy. This is what I had been missing. I wondered when we stopped going through the gate as a team and became just four individuals who entered the event horizon. I wondered when we stopped laughing.
It is getting late and I begin to yawn. Daniel mirrored me and I glanced at my watch, I realized the debriefing is in less than 8 hours. We helped Jack clean. He invited us to stay with him and Teal'c, but we whined and moaned about the lack of actual bed space in the Colonel's house. He agreed that the couch is not the best place for tired team members after a long day. Exhaustion forced quiet in the car on the way home and I am half asleep when we pulled up in front of my house.
Kissing me on cheek, smelling of ice cream and chocolate, Daniel murmured that he will see me in the morning. He waited in the running car while I found my keys. Not until I am in the house and switched on the outside light, did he drive away.
The infectious attitude is still with us at the debriefing in the morning. I can read on the Colonel's face how our team breakdown had affected him, because now, he was beside himself with happiness. He began working hard to think before he speaks, especially in Daniel's case, and Daniel was doing his part by not explaining anything in a condescending manner.
For a while after hearing Cassie's speech, our missions were a joy to behold. It did get better, we got better. We struggled and worked hard to make everything click back to what we had been, friends. I no longer spent hours in my lab feigning work on some unknown project, so I wouldn't have to spend time with my teammates. Projects were put on hold as we took tentative steps to regain our friendship. Team dinners, nights out, dinners out, dinners in...ideas of our early days with SGC revitalized, we were revitalized. We tried to make it work again, like it worked before.
We tried, we really tried. Each, in our own way, did what we could to make it right. Words held back, courtesies extended.
I don't know when it started to fail. Little pieces of the dam chipping away, words said and unsaid, glances of annoyance undermining the friendships that we were tentatively attempting to rebuild. But in the end, it turned out to be too much work and effort to keep the dam up. It wasn't long before a flood swept the foundation of the dam right out from underneath us.
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