1.

A motorist, lost in the middle of the countryside, asked a local the way to Littlemorehampton. "Easy m'dear, take the little road on the right until you come to Humbert's farm."

"But I don't know which farm that is."

"Easy m'dear. It's right on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."

• Apostrophes (') appear in English either to show possession or to show that a letter is missing.
• Humbert's farm = the farm of Humbert.
• m'dear = my dear
• don't = do not
• When writers want to convey a regional accent they use a lot of apostrophes

2.

A couple of potential purchasers were being shown around a cheap flat by the estate agent. They were not impressed.

"One thing I would like to know above all," insisted the girl. "Is it insulated at least?"

"Yes," came a voice from upstairs. "But it didn't work."

• an estate agent = someone whose profession is to arrange the purchase, sale or rent of accommodation

3.

The science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go round objects but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil, "Can you see my face?"

"No sir."

"Can you hear my voice?"

"Yes sir."

"What does that show?" He hoped for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves short, but the boy retorted hopefully,

"You're talking through your hat, sir."

• to talk through your hat = to talk nonsense

4.

A young singer arrived for a gig in a small town. His impresario said, "Do your very best. The audience may not look much but people round here have suddenly become rich growing tomatoes."

"Tomatoes?" shouted the singer. "Forget it. I'm going back to London. Tomatoes cost the earth there - no one can afford to sling them around."

• gig = performance
• to sling = to throw

5.

"Well dear," asked the infant's new teacher, "Are you a good boy?"

"Actually," replied the child, "I'm the sort of brat my mummy is always telling me never to play with."

• brat = horrible child
• "with" is a preposition. In perfect English, you never end a sentence with a preposition. In reality you often do.

6.

A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."

"Did it work?"

"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."

• Traditionally, men dislike their mothers-in-law. Note the plural is not mother-in-laws.

7

A customer in a shoe-shop heaved a sigh of relief: "At last, a pair that fits me."

"Not surprising," replied the weary salesman. "They're the ones you came in wearing, sir."

• Pair is a collective, so some people say the verb should be singular: A pair that fits me. A pair is two shoes, so some people say the verb should be plural: A pair that fit me.

8.

A furious woman tackled her husband.

"It appears you've been telling everyone I'm a nag."

"On the contrary," he replied, "Everyone tells me."

"What?"

"It's true. And in reply, I only ask 'Who're you telling?'"

• a nag = a woman who gives the same order again and again because her husband ignores her

9.

In the public house, an unmasked husband sighed to his friend: "When I think that some inventor spent months, years even, developing a lie detector! All they had to do was meet my wife."

• "lie detector" is an example of taking one noun (lie) and making an adjective from it. You can do this many times and only the last noun remains a noun. For example: the Football World Cup Final.

10.

A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain, and its popularity. Afterwards, he said to a local,

"How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape."

"O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir."

"Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner.

"They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows."

• it's = it is
• its = belonging to it

11.

McTavish, a Scotsman, went to a ski resort. He told the instructor,

"I want to learn to ski on one leg."

"Certainly sir, but why?"

"I'll only need to hire one ski."

• The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. They are proud of it and call it "canny". You will find many jokes based on Scottish meanness, rather than Jewish meanness etc. This is because Scottish people are too canny to be insulted by it - I hope.

12.

"Tarzan," queried Jane, "Why do you have to bellow so when you swing through the jungle?"

"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."

• under contract = you have signed a contract and will be paid for your services

13.

"Are my new glasses ready yet?" the customer asked the pretty young optician.

"Certainly sir, but do try them first."

"Perfect. I can see you very well. Good-bye young man."

• Very rarely can you tell the sex of a person from the word for their profession. An optician could be a man or a woman.
• One rare exception - a nurse is always female. When it is a man you say he is a male nurse.

14.

A dim young man replied to an advert seeking volunteers for scientific research. The chief scientist, explaining they were trying to find the results of a meeting between a man and a female gorilla, asked, "Are you willing for $5,000?"

"Certainly," replied the volunteer. "But with three conditions. One, I want an armed man in the cage with us, in case things turn out nasty. Two, to make the gorilla more sexy, I would like her to wear lipstick. Three, can I pay by three installments?"

• advert = advertisement
• to turn out = to become

15.

"What's this I hear, old pal? Your wife's left you, old man? Well, why don't you go home and drown your sorrows in booze?"

"Impossible."

"No booze?"

"No sorrow."

• booze = alcohol
• to drown your sorrows = to drink until you forget your problems

16.

A randy king once asked a lady of his court,

"Which is the shortest route to your bedroom?"

"Via the church," she smiled.

• randy = lecherous
• Everyday English still uses Latin words. To go to the bedroom via the church means you must go to the church first, then the bedroom.

17.

A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. He rejected the one offered as unsuitable.

"I'm sure it'll work," replied the shopkeeper who was annoyed at the rejection. "I sold one to a lady only half an hour ago. She was very satisfied with it."

"That may be, but mine is for my dog."

• that may be = perhaps = that may be so

18.

In the middle of the night an old maid telephoned,

"Come quickly, there's a man trying to climb into my bedroom through the window."

"You've got the wrong number. This is the fire brigade. Call the police."

"I know what I'm doing. You come at once, d'you hear? His ladder's too short."

• old maid = middle-aged or old woman who has never married = spinster

19.

"Honestly," complained the rich lady in the cocktail bar to her friend, "You can't trust anyone these days."

"How d'you mean?"

"Why only today, my husband had to sack his cashier."

"What did he do?"

"Took a hundred pounds from the till."

"How did he find out?"

"Thanks to me. He was two hundred short and I told him I'd only taken a hundred."

• to sack = to dismiss
• to be 200 short = 200 is missing

20.

A man in a Scottish bar complained,

"Laddy, there's no ham in this ham sandwich."

"That's strange sir. Try another bite."

"No. Still no ham."

"That explains it sir, you've gone past it now."

• laddy = lad = boy
• Often y is added as a term of affection (or scorn or babytalk): girly, lassy, Johnny, doggy