Jokes & Humor
Five Kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon.....
you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you have to do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other
in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom
Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife
fucks you in front of everyone in court
The Blonde
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school
and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the sameplace where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"
The Doctor
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse
a check, he
pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket & tried to write
with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and said, "Well that's great - just great,
some asshole's got my pen."
Sure Fire Ways to Know You're A Woman
1. You're a bitch.
2. When asked, Is something bothering you? Reply NO, then get pissed off when
you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start
dating him and
immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted
from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement;
if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything.
Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc., These are
required gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your
cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your husband must be
labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard
turning a bottle of liquid back
and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he
was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at
the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the
world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water
on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine.
If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
