Alcohol Ramblings

This whole section will be filled with the rambling thoughts, poems, stories, and writings which The SoberLady has come across along the way. They are not part of the program, but are about alcohol or drugs, alcoholics, alcoholism and some are even about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous itself. Most are meant to be funny, but as is so often the case, she thinks you will find most of them to be all too true and sometimes even tragic, as well.

She posts them here for your enjoyment, but also to cause you to reflect, think and sometimes even to relate. ENJOY!!!

HE NEVER BLAMED THE BOOZE

He took a bottle up to bed,
Drank whiskey hot all night;
Drank cocktails in the morning,
But never could get tight.
He shivered in the evening,
And always had the blues,
Until he took a bowl or two --
But he never blamed the booze.

His joints were full of rheumatism
His appetite was slack;
He had pains between the shoulders;
Chills ran down his back.
He suffered with insomnia,
At night he couldn't snooze,
He said it was the climate --
But he never blamed the booze.

His constitution was run down,
At least that's what he said
His legs were swelled each morning
And he often had a swelled head
He tackled beer, wine, whiskey,
And if they didn't fuse;
He blamed it to dyspepsia -
But he never blamed the booze.

He said he couldn't sleep at night,
And always had bad dreams;
He claimed the always laid awake
Till early sunlight beams.
He thought it was malaria,
Alas! ! 'twas but a ruse;
He blamed it on to everything --
but he never blamed the booze.

His liver needed scarping,
And his kidneys had the gout;
He swallowed lots of bitters
Till at last he cleaned them out.
His legs were swelled with dropsy
Till he had to cut his shoes.
He blamed it to the Doctor --
but he never blamed the booze.

His clothes were getting seedy,
His nose was getting red,
His children always hungry,
Himself not too well fed.
His family he neglected,
His wife he did abuse;
he blamed all her relations
But he never blamed the booze.

The he had the tremors
And he tackled rats and snakes;
First he had the fever,
Then he had the shakes;
At last the had a funeral,
and the mourners had the blues
And the epitaph carved for him was --
"HE NEVER BLAMED THE BOOZE."
(Author Unknown)

The HANGOVER!

1 star hangover (n) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (n) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell (n) You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover aka Infinite Nutsmacker (n) You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning... You try to lift your head.Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp Ready to Rock faintly atop your forehead... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your Hello Kitty pajamas and your slippers.

I took one step, began to moan
I can't do this one on my own.
I took two steps, began to pray
Restore me God, please now, today.

I took three steps, gave up my will
Maybe God loves me still.
I took a fourth, I looked inside
Nothing more would I hide.

And on the fifth, I said aloud
I've done some wrong, and I'm not proud.
I took six steps, and got prepared
To lose the defects, I was scared.

Now I'm at seven, take them away
My God, for this I do pray.
And on eight, the list was long
Amends to make for all the wrong.

I took nine steps, put down my pride
Amends made, I will not hide.
Ten steps I take, each day I pray
I make amends along the way.

And on eleven I pray to know
Each day His will, which way to go.
I took twelve steps, I'm like a bird
To others now, I spread the word........

(Author anonymous)