POSITION: MOM
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for
challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must
possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work
various hours, which will include evenings
and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts
on call. Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing
to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated
devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for
the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include
floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job
training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards
right. Forward this on to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything
they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.