*-*-*

Tom Paris' eyes for once had not been wider. Never in his life had he considered what he was seeing now. Kathryn Janeway... Captain Kathryn Janeway, commander of the USS Voyager, the only ship Starfleet currently knew of in the Delta Quadrant, was drunk. In fact, drunk wasn't really the word that summed her up. She was a goner. She couldn't even stand up straight by herself.

He watched her as she slumped lower in her chair, her arm shaking slightly as she reached out to pour herself another drink. He knew he should stop her, but he couldn't, he was simply frozen to the spot, unable to move. There was something hypnotic about her, a glow that made her appear even more attractive then before.

Despite the fact she was the Captain, Tom knew that all the male senior officers were more then just aware of the fact she was a woman, and the power she held because of it. In fact, it was probably because she was the Captain why they were all so enthralled by her. Hell they all felt it, even Tuvok. Chakotay had been infatuated with her right from the start. Tuvok, although he would deny it, was more protective towards her then if she had been a guy. Harry had her on a pedestal so high it was surprising she could even breath and then there was him, Thomas Eugene Paris, who had somehow felt drawn to her from the moment they had first met at that Penal Colony.

Now though, he was shocked to find he was beginning to see a side of her he never knew existed. Her skin was flushed, strands of hair clenching her face, framing her slight features. She looked smaller then usual, more fragile and her eyes for once, were more grey then blue. Concerned, still and silent.

Quietly he made his way over to her, placing a soft hand on her shoulder. Startled, he felt her jump but not before he felt the bones of her shoulder indicating all the weight she had lost.

Lifting her head, her gaze briefly flickered over him before turning away.

So this was to be harder then he thought.

Taking a seat opposite, he slowly sat down, readying himself for what was to come.

"Captain..." he began, hesitating only to hear her voice stop him.

"Don't call me that," she whispered, not even lifting her head.

"Captain?" he replied automatically in confusion.

Something flashed behind her eyes at that moment, something he hadn't seen before as she unsteadily pushed away from the table, trying to get up.

"I said... don't call me that," she virtually hissed leaning against the table to keep her balance.

He frowned slightly, his mouth opening to speak, "But..."

"Who do you see when you look at me Tom?" she asked suddenly. "Who do you see?"

He swallowed, trying to find a diplomatic way of answer her question.

"I see you," he finally admitted. "Captain Janeway, Captain Kathryn Janeway."

She almost growled at those words, but made no reply.

"But... why?" he questioned softly, his frown still evident on his boyish face.

She didn't reply for a moment, just turned so her back was towards him. Even in the dimmed light he could see the outline of her shoulders, the way her uniform unhealthily clung to her in places, but hung off her in others. Something was wrong. Something had changed.

"I hate her."

The voice was so soft that Tom wasn't sure if he had heard her at all, and even if he had, he could swear that the voice had not belong to the woman in front of him.

Slowly she turned her eyes flaming with a new kind of passion.

"I hate her Tom. I despise everything she is, everything she stands for, all the decisions she makes."

He stared at her blankly, wondering if she was more out of her mind then he had initially thought.

"...Who?" he finally worded, the look on her face one of incredibility.

She stared at him for a moment, he face void of most emotion, all except her eyes. her eyes were brimming with emotions even he would hesitate before trying to name. Hate, anger, confusion, despair, even loneliness and more. Then she spoke, her voice low, dangerous, laced with malice.

"She killed me Tom," she whispered slowly. "She destroyed me with those damned protocol of hers. All her excuses, the rules she his behind... They were excuses, she was afraid. She is a damn coward and now I have to pay for her mistakes, her... excuses, her... blind stupidity, her bloody stubbornness. She cost me the only thing I had left to hold onto. We would have been happy together, we would have completed each other, but she had to get in the way. Her and her damned rule book. And now I've lost him too... I've lost it all."

Her mind was the one thing he considered that she had lost. She was barely making sense, repeating the same thing over and over again.

Rising to his feet, he knew drastic measures may need to be taken before long. Grabbing her shoulders, he held her still, forcing her eyes to lift to meet him.

"Captain... I think you need to..."

"No," she moaned as if in pain, brushing his hands off as she lifted her hands to clutch her head tightly. "Don't call me that. Never call me that! I am not Captain Janeway!"

That was it, now she had completely lost her mind.

"I hate her. I HATE HER! She destroyed me Tom. For six bloody long years she buried me, hid me, ignored me, tried to get rid of me, but not any more. Now I'm back, but it's too late. He's a man, they only wait so long Tom. He gave up on me. He doesn't love me any more. He's moved on."

For a second Tom wondered if some kind of alien had taken over the Captain's body. It sure looked that way at least.

"I loved him Tom. Ever since New Earth I've loved him, but she ignored it in favour of protocol and regulations. She didn't listen to her own heart..."

Suddenly things were beginning to look clearer. He almost gasped as the implicates struck him like a slap round the face. She was in love with him, even after all this time, she was actually in love with her first officer. In love with Chakotay. But she had never told him, the Captain in her preventing her from voicing her feelings and now he had moved on, planning to stay on Ditoa, the planet they were in orbit of.

"I love him Tom," tears were begging to well up in her eyes till gravity took over, tugging one till it trickled slowly down her face. "I love him so much."

He wasn't sure what happened next, but one minute he was watching her, stunned, the next she was in his arms as he pulled her tight to his chest, holding her as the dam broke and the tears fell, flooding her face. She gripped him tightly, burring her head on his chest. The woman who had always seemed so much larger then life had fallen, crumbled in his arms.

Tapping his badge, he did the only thing he could think of.

"Computer, two to beam to sickbay."

Four seconds later, they materialised, the cool surroundings of sickbay greeting them.

"What the..."

A look of pure hurt flashed through her eyes and she pulled away sharply as she realised what he had down.

"How dare..."

A hiss sounded by her neck, consciousness faded and her body slumped caught nimbly by the Doctor behind.

"Impaired vision, high content of alcohol in her blood, would you care to explain just why the Captain's so intoxicated Mr Paris?"

Tom didn't have time for this. He had to see someone and he had to see him now.

"It's a long story Doc," he replied hastily, "but basically I found her like that. If you don't mind, I've got to find the Commander. Excuse me," and before the Doctor could say another word, Tom had turned and was rapidly striding through the room, out the door.

*-*-*

Chakotay sat staring at what was left of his quarters. By his feet two shoulder bags rested, his entire belongings. Some clothes, his medicine bundle and in his hand a picture, his only possessions. The picture had been a present from the Doctor, during his photo phase. Each member of the senior staff had got one, each picture the same, taken just a few months ago when they had all been down on shore leave.

Could he actually do this, he wondered, could he actually leave? Leave his friends? His life? The place he had actually dared to think of as home? Leave Kathryn?

Closing his eyes, he was unable to block the memories of their last confrontation. The way she had looked, her face slightly flushed as they argued about... Hell he could not even remember what they had been arguing about, but then he had done the unthinkable. He had kissed her and what made the whole thing even worse was, for a moment or two, she had responded and he was sure that she had returned the kiss.

Then all hell had broken loose. The argument enthusing made the other pale and insignificant in comparison.

He had been silent at first, but then something had cracked and he retaliated, saying things he sure as hell knew he did not mean, but he couldn't stop the out pour.

He accused her of many things. Of being a coward, hiding behind her pips and command mask. A control freak who had found herself falling for a hologram because she could control the relationship, switching it off and on at her own pleasure. A fool, for not being able to see what she had been given, and lastly, a cold hearted bitch, who cared for no-one but herself, who thought nothing on how other people felt.

That last statement earned him a slap, one that left his ears ringing for long minutes afterwards. Then she had said it, low forceful, her voice dripping with venom, "Get off my ship!"

So that was what he was doing.

Rising to his feet, he grabbed the bags, slinging them onto his shoulder as he dropped the picture onto the coffee table.

"Goodbye Kathryn," he murmured one last time, before pulling himself up to his full height and turning he left.

*-*-*

A minute later Tom arrived at the quarters, alarmed to find them empty. A brief search revealed nothing, aside from the fact most of Chakotay's belongings were already gone. Everything except...

Picking up the picture he stared at it, his mind whirling with thoughts. Oh god, he thought, what have they done?

"Computer," he called, "location of Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in transporter room two," came the stoic reply as the door to Chakotay's room slid shut once again.

Tom reached the transporter room in record time, practically knocking down a few Ensigns and Crewmen on the way. He just prayed that he was in time and that Chakotay would see reason, other wise, what he had in mind was a sure set way of losing his only pip.

The door opening, he raced in, just in time to see a slight shimmer of blue light engulf the commander's form. Reaching the console, he halted transport, returning Chakotay to the room and if anything was to go by, Chakotay was not a happy man.

"I hope you have a good explanation Ensign," he snapped, emphasising the rank.

"Actually 'sir'," he replied, "I was going to ask you the same thing."

Chakotay's eyes narrowed dangerously, but he said nothing.

"There is a woman," Tom began, "so damn drank out of her head in sickbay that he Doctor had to sedate her before she did something she would regret. Now as her first officer, 'Commander', we were all hoping you could shed some light on the situation."

Blue eyes met brown, the intensity between them electric.

"I don't have to answer to you Paris," Chakotay snapped icily in reply.

"As the second senior medical personnel on this ship, 'Commander', with the Chief Medical Officer busy trying to save the Captain's life, I am more then entitled to an explanation as to why the captain's life is in danger. Starfleet regulations 324 section 7 paragraph 9, you can look it up if you don't believe me," Tom threw back.

Chakotay stared at him.

"If I'm not mistakes, that rule only applies when dealing with the second commanding officer on the ship after the Captain, so if you don't mind, I'd like to leave now, there's a Vulcan on the Bridge I think you need to see."

It was the calm, coldness in Chakotay's voice that finally shattered Tom's resolve. Moving those few steps he closed the distance between them, grabbing onto Chakotay's collar.

"Now listen to me," he hissed. "I don't care about what happened between the two of you, all I care about is the woman in sickbay who's in love with you so much she's killing herself over it. Now if you want to punish her by leaving, fine, but don't punish us at the same time. If you go, we'll also lose our Captain, alright?"

Shaking himself free, Chakotay found himself laughing at the scene Paris had depicted, but it was not a sound of pleasure.

"You have no idea what you're talking about Paris," he growled back. "Janeway..." he couldn't even bring himself to use her first name, "doesn't have any feelings for me that come anywhere near close to love. She's made that really clear."

"That's where you're wrong," Tom replied. "Do you really think she would have knocked herself out with real alcohol just for the fun of it? If she didn't have feelings for you?" he offered. "If not, then I guess you're even more thick skinned then I thought.

Chakotay had had enough.

"If you've nothing more to say Paris," he snapped, "I would recommend you allow me to leave now and get on with your own life."

Tom stared at him barely blinking.

"If that's what you want Chakotay," he said after a pause. "But remember, you left me no choice. Computer activate transporter program Paris Insurrection," and a second later, Chakotay had disappeared, an expression of murder on his face.

*-*-*

Kathryn felt alone, cold frightened but especially alone. She felt trapped, restricted by the barriers in her own mind. Voices tormented her. The memories of past decisions, past commands, of a past life back in the Alpha Quadrant haunted her.

She had prayed that she would never be back here. She had hoped she had destroyed this place once and for all. But she had not and she was being forced to relive her life. Every time she had pushed him away, every time she had denied her own being, but now judgement had come and she was alone.

Then man who had stood by her for so long, the man who was her strength, her reassurance, her anchor, was gone, replaced by nothing then an empty ache. He could not help her any more, would not help her any more. She was alone, really, truly alone, and she was afraid.

Her eyes fluttering for a moment, the Doctor noted with a grim expression, the single tear that slowly trickled down the unconscious Captain's face.

*-*-*

"You've done what?"

On her feet, B'Elanna stared down at Tom, ignorant of the stares she was drawing across the Messhall.

"B'Elanna," Tom replied softly, much more aware of where they were then her. "Sit down, please!"

"Sit down," she growled but lowered her tone. "You've just beamed Chakotay to the brig and you're telling me to sit down. No way helmboy," she continued, "what ever stunt you're pulling this time, I want nothing of it. The Captain's gonna..."

"The Captain's in the middle of a nervous breakdown, sedated in sickbay while the Doctor attempts to rid her body off all the alcohol she's consumed in the past few hours," he replied bluntly cutting her argument off at the bud.

She suddenly hesitated, a look of doubt suddenly flickering across her eyes. Dare she believe him, outrageous as it was? But then again, Tom may have done a number of things in his time, but lying to her was not one of them, and if his eyes were anything to go by, he was not lying now.

"What?" she chuckled softly, slowly easing herself back onto her seat. "What did you say?"

Taking a deep breath, he reached over to grip her hand.

"An hour ago," he began, "I decided to see if anyone was using the holodeck and found the Sandrine program running, but with no privacy lock in place..."

"So you just went in," she interrupted.

"Well... yes," he admitted, "but not before seeing who was in there and realising it was the Captain and that she was alone, I decided to go in and see if she wanted a game of pool or something. We all know how withdrawn she's been lately."

B'Elanna nodded.

"Well, what I found was the last thing I expected. The Captain was there okay, but actually she wasn't. She was sitting at one of the tables with at least three empty bottles with her, excluding the one she was drinking from. Not knowing what to do, I went over to her, shocked at the was she looked. I tried to talk to her, but all I got was her objecting to being called Captain. At first I thought it was an affect of the alcohol, but now I'm not so sure.

"She started talking about herself, about the Captain as if Kathryn Janeway and Captain Janeway were two separate people. She kept saying that she hated Captain Janeway, that the Captain was a coward who hid behind her damned protocols, that little by little she was killing her, Kathryn, I would think. Then she said something... something I will never forget. She looked me in the eye and said that she loved him, that she was in love with Chakotay."

B'Elanna's mouth practically fell open.

"That's what I thought, so I did the only thing I could think of, I beamed us both to sickbay where the Doctor sedated her, then when in search of Chakotay."

"And!... What did he say?"

"Well," he sighed, "that was just it. I caught him before he was supposed to leave for Ditoa."

"Leave for Ditoa?"

Slowly he shook his head. "I gather you didn't know about that either then."

"Know about what?"

"He's leaving us," he stated simply. "The plan was for him to stay behind on Ditoa without anyone knowing and when the time came, he had left a message for the crew saying he was very sorry, but he wanted to settle on Ditoa and start a new life, but would wish us well for our continued journey."

"He's deserting us?" B'Elanna gasped in shocked horror. "No! No... it isn't possible. He would never..." but her voice trailed off as she realised the truth. The way he had been acting lately, close, but at the same time some what withdrawn, ever since. "That argument," she gasped, her dark eyes widening, "two weeks ago. It all started then, when he stormed out of the Captain's quarters..." her voice trailed of once again as she caught Tom's expression. "That's what all this is about isn't it," she growled softly, "their behaviour, him leaving, the Captain's breakdown, they're all linked."

Tom nodded grimly.

"That's what I figure, which is why he didn't take kindly to my interruption of their plan, but I couldn't let him go, otherwise we could lose the Captain. She would never forgive herself."

"So he's now in the brig the?"

Tom nodded again.

"And now," he admitted, "I don't know what to do."

*-*-*

Chakotay paced the room like a tiger trapped within the four walls. Somehow, without even noticing, the angry warrior had returned. He wanted to hurt someone, anyone, but at that moment the gods help Tom Paris should their paths ever meet again. He would kill that man. What right gave Paris the power to do this, to meddle with other people's lives. He would pay for this outrage, if it was the last thing he did.

*-*-*

Kathryn Janeway blinked twice before she dared open her eyes. For a moment she prayed that her dreams had not come true, but all attempts were in vain, she was alone.

For years she had become used to the knowledge that should anything happen to her, he would be here when she opened her eyes, or would com as soon as he could, but that had now ended. He would never come again.

The thought brought tears to her eyes, but she blinked then back, forcing the woman in her back into the cold hard shell they called the Captain. She would not let emotion get the better of her. Not again. Not ever.

"Arh Captain, I see you're awake."

the voice, although unmistakably the Doctor's, sounded strange to her ears. Echoy, distorted, distant. It was like hearing through water or something.

"What... happened?" she croaked, her mouth peculiarly dry. Now she thought about it, how the hell had she ended up in here? The last thing she remembered was going to Sandrines, then...

"It seems as if you decided to drink away all your troubles if the amount of alcohol I had to neutralise from your blood stream was anything to go by."

Sitting up, she felt everything rush to her head suddenly, making her dizzy, but the memories were also coming back. Something about Chakotay and the truth and Tom Paris and... oh my god, Tom Paris, he had been there, but..."

"I managed to get rid of the alcohol," she heard the Doctor drone on as he pressed a hypospray to her neck, "and that should elevate the headache, but you may still feel some of the side effects."

Like depression she thought glumly.

Nodding, she rose to her feet, slowly making her way to the door. "Thank you Doctor," she replied softly.

"Oh and Captain..."

Stopping, she turned to face him once more.

"I suggest you talk to someone about this before I allow you to continue your duties."

Frowning she stared at him. "Pardon Doctor?" Had he meant what she unfortunately thought he meant?

"As from last night Captain and until further notice, you've been relieved of Command of Voyager. Commander Tuvok is currently in command and it will remain that way until I deem you fit for duty, Captain."

Her blue eyes flashed as she heard the news and her step forward would have frightened a lesser man, but the Doctor didn't move, firmly holding his ground.

"You can't do that," she growled under her breath.

"As senior medical Doctor on the ship Captain," he replied bluntly, "I can and I have. In my medical opinion I don't believe you are currently able to provide the leadership this crew needs."

Folding her arms, her eyes narrowed.

"Are you saying I'm mentally unstable Doctor?" she questioned her voice dangerously low.

"As a matter of fact Captain, yes. Mr Paris described your behaviour last night as a multiple personality disorder and after what you were mumbling while sedated, I quite frankly have to agree with him." Holding up is hand, he continued. "Now, I don't know what transpired between Chakotay and yourself and quite frankly, neither do I care, but one things for certain, he's not coming back Captain and you have to live with that."

Part of her cried out, but she quelled it immediately. She was the Captain. Voyager was all she had left now, Chakotay, Tom, the Doctor, none of them would be able to take that from her. She would rather die then lose Voyager as well.

"Okay," she breathed deeply, "I'll take a few days off, go to my quarters, get some rest, then can I return to duty?"

The Doctor hesitated for a moment, suddenly thrown off by her acceptance of the situation. He knew she had a hidden agenda, but for the moment, he didn't know what.

"Okay, come back in a few days and I'll review your progress, but I make no promises. Understand?"

Biting her tongue, she knew this was something she just had to do.

"Understand Doctor," she replied before turning and striding from the room.

*-*-*

"You were leaving and weren't even going to say goodbye?"

Anyone entering the brig at that moment would have had a hard time deciding just who was the angriest; the Maquis warrior, trapped in his cell, or his opponent, the half Klingon woman with eyes like fire, stood arms folded squaring her ex-commanding officer and in all intents and purposes, ex-friend as well.

"This does not concern you B'Elanna," he replied firmly, but without a trace of emotion.

"To hell this does Chakotay," she snapped with the hint of a growl. "As I was led to believe that we were friends, and as a senior officer on this ship concerned for the well-being of my Captain, I suggest that you swallow that damned pride of yours and come clean, *now*!"

His lips twitched slightly, but he said nothing, his face like a Vulcan's.

"Damn it Chakotay, why now? Why are you leaving us now? What made you decide to just pack up your things after all that we've been through so far?"

He said nothing, just continued to stare blankly at her for what seemed like an eternity, before turning and moved to the door knowing that if he did not want to respond, there was no way she could make him.

"I didn't want to go," she heard him say softly, but there was no more, and slightly more puzzled, she left him alone.

*-*-*

Tom hesitated before reaching out to press the door chime before he could think of what he was doing. Just finished Bridge duty, he knew it would be his job to see the Captain, although he was sure that he was the last person she would want to see right now. Okay, second to last, depending on her mood, it would either be Chakotay or the Doctor who came top of that list.

Watching the doors slide open, he new it was now or never. Taking that step forward, the door slid shut, taking with it the majority of the light. The distant star light illuminated most of the room, the only light available. Blinking he scanned the room slowly, allowing his eyes time to adjust.

Then he saw her, sat silently on her couch, her body turned away from him, her eyes gazing off into some unknown part of space. Silently, he stood without moving, knowing that she was aware of his presence, but taking the time to study her form for the moment.

She was not in uniform. Although he had not expected her to be, it was still a slight surprise to find her sitting with one foot pulled up under her, dressed in a loose fitting matching joggers and top. her feet were bare also, no longer captive to her Starfleet standard boots. It was like seeing yet another person... again.

"I take it this isn't a medical visit," he heard her say after an eternity.

Slowly, she turned her head, her gaze settling briefly on him before returning to the stars.

Now her knew what she was hiding; her eyes. Even in this pale light he could see that they were swollen and slightly bloodshot. She had been crying it seemed, which again in itself was a totally new concept to him when concerning the leader of this mighty vessel. But maybe it should not have surprised him so much. She was still human. She felt like the rest of them. Still needed some kind of outlet like the rest of them, and maybe she had cried herself to sleep more then once in their long voyage.

"No Ma'am," he replied carefully to her statement.

They then returned to that odd silence, Tom finding himself becoming more and more uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by.

"Permission to speak freely Captain?" he finally ventured knowing that they could not stay like this forever.

With no answer forthcoming, he decided to go for it anyway. After all, what else could happen to him now?

"Why didn't you ever tell Chakotay the truth Captain?"

She didn't respond at first, just merely continued to stare blankly out of the window. Okay, he thought slowly, if she wanted to play it like that, he would wait, until the end of the universe if need be. Taking a seat he waited.

Minutes passed and yet she hadn't responded.

Tom knew that he was not going to get anywhere quickly like this so decided to try yet another route.

"Captain, I have a theory and maybe you'll like to correct if I'm wrong. Two weeks ago you had had an argument..."

Seeing her slight flinch he knew he was on the right track.

"Something happened that night, something that caused you to panic or something and so you pushed Chakotay away again, but you went further then planned and he flipped and decided that he could no longer work with you, so made up his mind to leave... Or was it you're idea? You were the one who ordered him off the ship didn't you?"

Another flinch told him he had hit the bull's-eye.

"That's it isn't it Captain? You ordered him off the ship."

In the silence that followed nothing moved accept the one lonely tear that proceeded to trickle slowly down the Captain's face. Shocked by the range of emotions on the Captain's face reflecting back at him, Tom found his heart softening once more.

Rising to his feet, he boldly moved to sit next to her.

"Why?" he asked softly, lifting a hand to gently touch her face. "Why did you do it?"

She turned at that point, facing him for the first time as she softly admitted the truth.

"I was scared."

She looked away again as another tear joined the first.

"He kissed me and I panicked. I shouted at him, but I went to far and he retaliated, calling me things like a control freak and a cold hearted bitch. The problem was, I knew he was right."

Finding his hand, she gently gripped it as she turned back to face him.

"For six years I've been Captain Janeway," she admitted, "And I've changed because of it. I barely recognise myself in the mirror any more. Chakotay challenged me, not as the Captain, but as the woman I had forsaken and he scared me."

"So you pushed him away."

Her head dropping, she nodded again.

"You know Captain... Kathryn..."

Her head snapped up at that point.

"No-one asked you to be the Captain twenty-four hours a day. We don't expect that of you, we never have."

"I know," she said after a pause, "but I didn't want to admit that until now. but now it's too late. Chakotay's gone. I'll never get to apologise. I'll never be able to tell him just how much I ... I love him.'

Rising to his feet, Tom knew how this could all end.

"Computer, activate transporter program Paris Reconciliation."

A surprised look crossed her face seconds before Kathryn felt herself caught by the transporter and found herself dematerialising.

*-*-*

Chakotay sat on the thing they dared to call a bed at the back of his cell. It had been hours since anyone had come to see him, the last person having been B'Elanna and he cringed at the way that meeting had gone. She had deserved so much more then that. They all did.

Actually, his anger had simmered of a little now, but that still did not mean he was not going to tell Paris. Oh yes, definitely. For the past hour or two he had been devising different ways to kill Paris with as much pain as possible. So far, he still had not come up with anything gruesome enough.

Hearing a faint tingle, his head snapped up surprised as he gradually made out the forms of two people gradually rematerializing near him. One of them on his side of the force field, the other, very wisely, on the other. What the hell?

Knowing that the one closest to him was the person he most wanted to not have to see, he turned and fixed his gaze on the second and further away figure; a certain Thomas Eugene Paris.

"What the hell his going on here Paris," he growled fiercely as soon as he could be heard.

"You tell me 'Commander'," Tom replied, unable to keep the smirk from forming. The Captain's face as soon as she realised what was going on was priceless. "Now, I believe you have some 'talking' to do, so I'll leave you alone now. Any problems, shout, after all, who knows, maybe someone will hear you." And with that he left.

Chakotay tried to object, but knew it was futile as the door slid shut and he found himself locked in a cell with the person he least wanted to see. Ignoring her completely, he turned and took a seat back on the bed, turning his body away from her.

Kathryn, after the initial shock had warn off, was a little disappointed by Chakotay's behaviour, but was not surprised. They had said a great deal of spiteful things to each other in the past few days and she knew that if they were to change any of it, she would have to be the one to initiate it.

"Chakotay," she whispered softly, but to no response. No movement. No reply.

So he was going to make this as hard as possible for her then.

"I believe..." she continued, but faltered. "No, I know," she corrected, "I owe you an apology."

Again no response. Gritting her teeth slightly, she decided to battle forth anyway. She was not a Janeway for nothing.

"For the past six years, you've continued to support me no matter what, without asking for anything in reply. You've helped me, carried me, done so many things for me that I can't even begin to name. Yet a lot of these things I've thrown back in your face. Every time you tried to reach me, to find the Kathryn behind the Captain's mask, I've pushed you away, out of fear... out of what I believed was necessity. I was wrong... Then when you kissed me, you forced me, even for a few seconds to become Kathryn again, to become a woman."

Moving over to him, she sat beside him and rested a hand gently on his shoulder.

Hardened by the fact he did not directly shrug him off, she inhaled slightly and took the plunge.

"I panicked. Not knowing how to react, I shut down on you and did the only thing I could do. I flipped and blamed the whole thing on you. I should never have done that and I'm very sorry for it, but then you told me about myself, all the things I knew but did not want to believe.

"You were right, I am a control freak. I tried to control you but that backfired. I am a coward. I should have said all this years ago and I should never have ordered you off my ship and for that I am extremely sorry, you don't know how much. And then there was that other thing. You're right, I am a cold hearted bitch, but I never meant to be. If I've hurt you over the years, then I'm sorry too. That was never my intention... and... and... I'm sorry..."

Taking a deep breath to hide her emotions, she stopped not knowing what else to say, her hand dropping slowly from his shoulder.

It was then that Chakotay slowly reacted, catching her hand gently in his, holding it, but no moving otherwise.

They stayed like that for endless minutes, neither sure of what the other was going to do.

"You're not a cold hearted bitch."

His voice was so quiet that she almost believed she imagined it.

Another pause went by until he slowly began to turn back to her, their eyes briefly meeting.

"I should never have said that," he admitted dropping his gaze once more. "Any of it. You're one of the most warmest, compassionate, caring person I have ever met... You care about your crew a lot, almost too much. I see a part of you die every time we lose a crew member. I've heard you cry yourself to sleep more then once...

"When you pushed me away... again and said all those things, they hit me hard and they hurt. It hurt so much I suddenly felt as if I had to injure you back, make you feel the same way. Deep down I knew that it was all because I knew you could never return the feelings I've had for you for so long... Knowing that you were never going to love me back was destroying me and I had this uncontrollable urge to bring you down with me..."

"Chakotay..."

Lifting her hand, she gently ran it over his face as if trying to sooth away his pain.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I should have told you a long time ago... I should have... but I was scared..."

"What... what were you scared of?"

"I was scared because..."

"Because?"

"Because I love you too."

His head lifted and his heart constricted as he heard the words he had been longing to hear.

"Pardon?"

If only she would say them again, then he would be sure.

"I love you Chakotay, and I have for a long time."

Catching her hand, he held it tight, squeezing it as if he didn't want to let her go.

"When..."

"New Earth, maybe before, I'm not sure. I've been denying it for so long I don't remember any more. I was so afraid of letting someone love me again, scared I wouldn't be able to handle it if I lost you that I made up thousands of excuses and then cowered behind Starfleet protocols. The more I realised I needed you... wanted you, the more Kathryn retreated into the shell of the Captain, the more I lost sight of just who I was..."

"And so the kiss..."

"Brought everything to the surface," she admitted, "and I realised just how ridiculous my excused were, but I panicked..."

"And ordered me off 'your' ship."

Blushing, she looked away. "I'm sorry about that, but by the time I had recovered enough to apologise, you have already handed in your resignation and a list of supplies. After that, my pride wouldn't let me back down, no matter what, so I hardened on the outside and slowly died on the inside."

"You knew you shouldn't drink when you're depression," he smiled slightly, brushing a hand through her hair. "It will only make things worse."

"Thanks for telling me now," she replied with a touch of that lop-sided grin.

"Hey, that's the job of a First Officer, to advice the Captain."

"So, does this mean that you're not leaving then?"

"No on your life," he replied with a touch of his dimples, "unless you're going to come with me."

Slowly she shook her head, "I can't," she whispered. "I have responsibilities to this crew and to Voyager. This is my home, the crew my family, I can't just leave..."

"I was hoping you'd say that," and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he slowly drew her into his arms, eyes closing as the horrors of the past few weeks slowly drifted away.

*-*-*

Glancing over Tom's shoulder, B'Elanna smiled as she observed the scene playing out before them.

"I think it's safe to release then now," she whispered, then wondered why she had bothered to do that. It was not as if the couple in question could hear then or anything.

Smiling, Tom nodded.

"Computer, activate transporter program Paris Emancipation."

"Emancipation?!"

He just shrugged.

*-*-*

Something had disturbed her sleep. Something warm had moved. Sighing, she rolled over towards it, rewarded with the faint rumbles of a laugh in the throat. There was something very soothing about that sound.

One eye opening, Kathryn was somewhat relieved to find that the larger object beside her was in fact Chakotay, but felt a little disorientated to find herself in bed... no, in his bed she corrected noting the unfamiliar yet so familiar surroundings, while realising she only wore parts of her uniform. Shoes, socks, jacket and turtleneck all appeared to have been removed, by whom, she could only guess as the man sitting on the bed beside her, now wearing his usual red uniform. How they had got here was anyone's guess.

"Where are you going?" she asked in a sleepy haze.

"Bridge," he smiled in reply, bending down to brush a kiss over her forehead. "Duty calls."

Within seconds she had bolted upright.

"Duty? What time is it?"

"Nearly 0700 hours," he grinned, "but don't worry about it. As I recall, the Doctor relieved you of duty, did he not?"

Groaning briefly at the memory, she flopped back down onto the bed, secretly relieved to find she had no pressing commitments. At least now she could try and catch up on the sleep she had missed in the past six years.

"Hurry back," she relied sleepily, her eyes already closing.

"As soon as I can, 'dear'," he grinned, brushing some of the hair away from her face. "As soon as I can."

*-*-*

Chakotay was not sure what to expect as he strode onto that Bridge. For all he knew, the entire crew was aware of just what was going on, especially as it involved Tom Paris. Also, he was supposed to have officially left yesterday and Tuvok officially promoted to First Officer. But then again, there had been no Captain to oversee all of this.

Oh this would be fun though.

Striding onto the Bridge, he automatically glanced to his right, only to find Tuvok at his usual post. A nod was all he received, and all he needed. Crossing over to the lower area, he took his usual seat, the one to his right vacant because its owner was currently asleep in his bed. His Bed!!

"Report?"

"Shields and weapons systems are functioning with in normal parameters, Commander," the Vulcan announced.

"Transporters and communications show no problems," the young Ensign continued.

"And engines and propulsion systems are running smoothly," Tom ended, turning in his seat briefly so he could face the commander. "We trust you managed to get everything done in your day off Commander?" he asked openly.

It was moments like these that Chakotay was glad he had not killed Tom while on Voyager's Bridge for the first time.

"It was... productive," he smiled slightly.

"Glad to hear it," he nodded before turning back in his seat.

"Commander?"

Swivelling, Chakotay looked up at where the dark Vulcan was standing.

"Am I right in presuming that the Captain is still a little under the weather, so won't be joining us today again?"

Chakotay nodded slightly. "As usual Tuvok, you are correct," he smiled, "but I believe the Doctor will be satisfied that she is well enough to return to duty tomorrow."

"Thank you."

Smiling slightly, Chakotay turned back to face the screen. Yes tomorrow Kathryn would be back on duty and life would continue as it had been, on the outside at least, and the crew would be non the wiser about what almost happened, except of course a select few.

On the inside though, he knew that he and Kathryn had finally taken that all important step and he was looking forward to seeing just where that would lead.

*-*-*