IGNORANCE

BY AMMO
MAY 2000

 

Note, in order to make this a PG/13 instead if an R I've had to tone down some of the later scenes, but I'm not certain if I've done it enough, so you've been warned.

 

This could well be a very long story eventually, but please be patient with me.  If you like it, tell me.  I'd be more inclined to write the rest faster if I know someone actually wants to read it.

 

The story itself was sparked from an idea gleamed from a few DS9 episodes, but you'll find out more in later parts.

 

This story would not have been at all possible if it wasn't for Jeri Taylor's book Mosaic, which lays the basics for much of this tale. 

 

Disclaimer:- Paramount is god, own, created and will destroy Voyager (in one way or another).  Jeri Taylor is a J/C saint, without her, the characters would simply not exist as we know them and neither would Resolutions or Coda.

 

Rating:- PG/13

 

Time Scale:- Primarily set a few years into Voyager's future, but the story spans twenty years.

 

Note:- All I'm doing is filling in some of the gaps in the past, and in doing so am slightly twisting the present, but it explains one thing though, why Chakotay and not any other Maquis leader.

 

Enjoy!

 

*-*-*

 

Kathryn Janeway stood silently in sickbay, her slight figure rigid as she watched the Doctor work.  Twenty years...  Twenty years and it had all come down to this.  A ship lost in the middle of nowhere.  A crew living out the lies others had created.   A man, on the brink of death at the hand of a device supposed to preserve it.  A hologram, as, if not more human then the people who had created him, forced to take away a life in order to save a person.

 

Twenty years and this was where it ended.

 

A soft hand touched her leg, light brown innocent eyes lifted to observe the figure above her.  AN adult the person who knew everything, yet a person who's life had been shaped by the actions of others, of events way out of her control, but who was now being forced to live the consequences of decisions made twenty years before.

 

"Is Daddy going to be alright?"

 

Kathryn glanced down at her daughter, moving her arm to hold the child close to her side.  She would be the one to suffer, the innocent always were, never given the choice in decisions made without their consent.  They never asked to be involved, but they were... they were.

 

She would suffer, like her older brother, the baby never given the chance to even exist in anything but the memories of those who had known him.  The baby who's life had been deigned by a group of people sure of his danger by his existence.

 

"I hope so?" she whispered softly, "I hope so."

 

How had it all come to this?  What had they done to deserve this?  Was it the deceit?  The lies?  The atrocities conceived in the name of protection?  Or were they all just the unlucky pawns in a game of fate that not even they understood?

 

Watching the Doctor move silently as if dealing with the dead, she saw pictures flash through her mind, the past, present and future, all mingled together to form her life and the lives around her.  Closing her eyes briefly, she saw visions of her life, of their journey through the Delta Quadrant, where the problems left behind them at home seemed so far away.  Far enough away to ignore, to forget, to deny, till just a few nights ago when had all come crashing back down on top of them.  Secrets long time buried arose to haunt them and the truth, so long hidden in the shadows, suddenly emerged, demanding to be heard.

 

It wasn't just her life on the brink of collapse, but so many others as well.  Had she done the right thing, revealing the truth, or had there been a better, easier way?  Looking back now, she knew that the old phase had always been right, so accurate for their situation.  It was only now that as she realised the truth, that what ever happens, 'Ignorance Is Bliss.'

 

*-*-*

 

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

 

*-*-*

 

A few nights prior.

 

*-*-*

 

A sharp jolt and Kathryn Janeway found dreamland rapidly fading as reality took grip.  She could feel movement beside her, of a warm body twisting and turning as he slept.  He was still asleep, his usually peaceful dreams kidnapped by the terrors of his unconscious mind.

 

"No," she heard him shout, the scream muffled by the sheet against his mouth.  "You can't do that...  She's not part of this... I'm sorry... I'm not going back... Kathryn..."

 

Fully awake, she found herself watching stunned as the words came from his mouth.  Sweat was beginning to glisten at his brow as he continued to toss uncontrollably.

 

"Keep away from her..."

 

This had never happened before, not in all the time that she had known him, so why suddenly now?

 

"Chakotay."

 

Placing a hand on his shoulder, she tries to shake him awake so the clutches of dreamland would release their hold on him.

 

"Chakotay!"

 

His eyes flicked open, dark, still, blind as he blankly stared up at her.  Now awake he ceased moving, lying as still as a mid-winter lake, his face expressionless.

 

"Chakotay?" she repeated, startled by his present state.

 

Hearing her voice, his eyes suddenly blinked and as if emerging from a trance, he turned his head to gaze fully at her.  For a moment he said nothing, till gradually a relieved recognition brushed against his features, moving his hand to place it gently on her cheek.

 

"Katie?"

 

Nodding, she was relieved to feel his arms wrap around her body, drawing her tight into his embrace.  Resting her head on his chest, she relaxed knowing that there was no way that he would ever harm her.

 

"Are you okay?" she whispered, tipping her head back to look at him.

 

Nodding slightly, he just clenched her tighter as if never wanting to let her go.

 

"Just a bad dream," he told her softly, burying his face in the silky top of her hair, breathing in the sweet scent that was Kathryn Janeway.  "Just a bad dream.  Go back to sleep."

 

Although not entirely convinced, Kathryn also knew that what ever was going on, he would tell her in his own time, he always did.  Snuggling up close to him, she allowed her eyes to close, content in the secure feel of him wrapped around her and drifted once more into oblivion.

 

Chakotay gripped his wife tightly, never wanting to let her go.  She was like the secure anchor in the rough seas of his mind.  Knowing she was there would make life somewhat more bearable.

 

Lying still, he stared blankly up at the ceiling, not wanting to risk the horrors of his mind should they close.  He couldn't remember the exact details of the dream, but maybe that was for the better.  He shuddered to think what they contained, the unguarded memories of his unconscious mind.  Could literally be any thing.  He had seen more horrors then any man should ever be subjected to and they were horrors he was more then happy to forget.

 

Hearing Kathryn's breathing ease into regularity, he knew she was asleep again.  Glancing down at her, he marvelled once again at just how truly lucky he was to have her in his life, despite all the icebergs thrown in their paths.  She was beautiful in his eyes, especially when asleep, an angel like innocence on her features.

 

Bending down, he gently placed a kiss on her forehead, his hand drifting down to rest lightly against her stomach where their child lay nurturing and he prayed that should the child inherit nothing else, that he would inherit his mother's innocence and grow to know nothing that would destroy it.

 

*-*-*

 

Nights passed yet the nightmares refused to go away, if anything they only increased in amplitude.  Sleep came rarely for Chakotay and even when it did, it was without rest.  Persuaded to see the Doctor, he was given a sedative to help his body rest, but it did nothing to ease the worries of the Captain.

 

Kathryn was more aware of the situation then she let on.  She knew he was not sleeping and that his eating was down to a minimum.  He seemed to spend more time in thought as well, often sitting silently, just gazing out of the windows.

 

Tia had noticed a difference in her Dad as well, the young girl even going as far as to wonder if she was to blame.  Kathryn had talked to her, told her in nonconditional terms that she had nothing to do with her father's behaviour.  In fact, apart from Kathryn herself, Tia was one of the few people Chakotay still socialised with.  Often he would sit with her on the sofa, playing quiet games or listening to what she had done that day, but even so, Kathryn still had this nagging doubt to wonder how much of it he was actually listening to.

 

As of yet, nothing had occurred forcing her to question his ability as a Starfleet officer, until now.

 

Hearing a soft moan, her eyes flicked up from where she was studying a report.  Chakotay was almost still, bent over in his chair, fists clenched tightly to his temple.  In an instant she knew his eyes were closed, the pain on his face evident.

 

"Commander?"

 

Lost in his own world he did not reply, could not reply.

 

"Leave her alone..." they heard him mumble as the memories threatened to overwhelm his reality.  "This isn't right... She's not a threat... I should have killed you..."

 

Kathryn was on her feet in an instant, a hand gripping his shoulder as she tried to wake him

 

"Commander?  Chakotay, can you hear me?"

 

"This is my fault... That's my child... Don't Commander me Kathryn damn it, I out rank you."

 

Oh my god.  For a brief moment, she saw a flicker of light on the situation and it was about to burn out of control.  Her hand snaking up, she slapped her badge, immediately ordering an emergency transport to sickbay.

 

*-*-*

 

The Doctor's expression could only be described as grim as he slowly closed his tricorder.  It had been nearly two hours since the Captain and Commander had materialised in sickbay and he was only now just about able to attempt to explain just what was occurring.

 

Issuing another sedate into the Commander's blood stream, he turned back to face the Captain.  She had been there constantly, silently watching as he worked, arms crossed tightly over her body almost as if she was trying to protect herself.  Her expression was unreadable, her Captain's mask drawn firmly in place, her features as emotionless as a Vulcan.  He worried whenever she got like that.  Often it could only mean trouble.

 

"Captain..."

 

Her eyes flicked up to meet his and for a moment he wondered just what had occupied her mind so deeply.

 

"I believe I may have an explanation as to the Commander's condition."

 

She followed him to the nearby console, watching as he pulled up scans, scans, if she was not mistaken, of a human brain, Chakotay's brain.

 

"I believe something may be triggering the Commander's memories," the Doctor admitted stoically.  "If you look here you can see that the area responsible for the memory has been greatly stimulated which I believe is the reason for his nightmares.  Unfortunately, what's stimulated this change is another matter.  I ran a deep level tissue scan which resulted in the usual way, nothing, except this..."

 

Pressing a button and the picture suddenly changed to reveal the up and down readings of a scan.

 

"What is that?"

 

"That Captain," the Doctor continued, "is a reading consistent with only one thing; a bio-technical implant."

 

"An implant?"  The confusion in the Captain's eyes was evident.  "Why didn't earlier scans detect it?"

 

"It's well hidden Captain," he admitted softly.  "The reason I was able to detect it at all was because... I believe it is malfunctioning Captain."

 

Lifting her eyes, she observed the Doctor seriously.

 

"In what way?" she questioned slowly.

 

"It's breaking down Captain," he replied quietly, "and is accidently stimulating the memory emgrams in the brain."

 

"Can you remove it Doctor?"

 

She knew the answer to that, had always known from the moment he had said the word implant.

 

"I'm afraid not Captain," he admitted regretfully, "not without seriously harming the patient."

"And what if you leave it in?"

 

This was the down side of being a Doctor, the bad news. 

Slowly he began to shake his head, a human reaction he had picked up in the past years in which he had been activated.

 

"It will kill him."

 

A deep fear gripped hold of her body as she dared to imagine what the implications of such an action would foretell.  Life without Chakotay she knew would not be much of a life.  Not for her, not for Tia, not for their unborn child who would never know his father.  There must be another, better way.

 

"Is the Commander aware of the situation Doctor?" she asked, emotion absent from her voice.

 

"Yes Captain," he nodded.  "Just before I sedated him again, he told me to tell you something.  He said 'there is another' and that they would known what to do."

 

If the Captain was surprised by the comment she sure did not show it.

 

"Did he say who this other was Doctor?"

 

"No Captain," the Doctor regretfully admitted, "but he appeared sure that you would know who it was."

 

Nodding, her perfect unemotional exterior faltered for a moment as she slowly inhaled through her teeth.

 

"How long does he have Doctor?"

 

Frowning, the Doctor's face only became more grim as he answered regretfully, "Not long Captain.  Probably thirty-six hours, but no more then forty-eight."

 

Forty-eight hours.  Two days only.

 

Throwing a quick look towards the figure of her now sleeping husband, she nodded before striding rapidly out of the room.

 

*-*-*

 

"How is the Commander's condition?"

Turning from where she was stood staring out of her ready room window, Kathryn lifted her eyes to meet those of her Vulcan security officer and long time friend.

 

"He's dying," she replied blankly.  "An implant in his brain is malfunctioning.  The Doctor estimates we have little more then 48 hours left."

 

"And are there no other options available for the Doctor?" Tuvok asked stoically even for a Vulcan.

 

Shaking her head, she turned back to the window, watching their reflections with detached interest.

 

"Chakotay mentioned something about there being another, someone else."

 

Tuvok was silent for a moment, slowly contemplating her words, not what she had said, but the implications of such a possibility.

 

"Do you think there could be another Tuvok?" she asked softly, her eyes fixed only at a point in her mind.

 

Slowly Tuvok rose a dark eyebrow, his mind assessing the facts as they knew them.

 

"Indeed Captain," he finally deduced.  "It is highly possible that there is another on board, without our knowledge and perhaps they would know just what is happening to the Commander."

 

"My thoughts exactly," she nodded, slowly turning back to face him, "however there is just one problem, we don't know 'who' it is!"

 

Kathryn watched her old friend fall silent, knowing that there was no reply to that.  Whatever steps they took now had to be her decision and her decision alone.  Any action now would alter the minds of those involved, but was she prepared to take the risk?  Take the steps herself to fill in the gaps?

 

"Tuvok..."

 

Lifting her gaze, she stared forcefully into the eyes of the Vulcan, a look of steel determination fixed on her face.

 

"Call a meeting for all the senior staff, they deserve... need to know just what is going on."

 

"What are you going to tell them Captain? he questioned his eyebrows high.

 

Sighing, she moved forward to lean against the rail.

 

"The truth Tuvok," she replied firmly.  "I'll tell them the truth."

 

*-*-*

 

The truth.

 

God how easy that sounded.

 

Stood facing the conference room windows, Kathryn watched the reflections of her officers as they slowly entered the room.  What was the truth?  Was it really her place to suddenly change their projections of her, of Chakotay, of Starfleet itself?  Or was it better to allow them to continue looking at the world through a tinted mirror, just as she was now?

 

She observed each of them as they entered, marvelling at the way each one had changed in the past few years.

 

Harry Kim, no longer the stiff, green Ensign who had stood rod straight in her ready room all those years ago.  He had matured, grown up in so many ways, yet his innocence remained and she loathed the idea that she may be forced to take it way from him.

 

Tom Paris, the cocksure pilot who had mellowed into something so much more.  With his assertive eyes and endless grin, his light sense of humour had made sure that even the most tedious of shifts had ticked over smoothly.  He had not changed that much from the young boy who had sat at the top of the stairs ordering unsuspecting Ensigns to get him food during the parties at his Dad's house, not really.

 

Then there was B'Elanna Torres, his wife and for so many years long term enemy.  Her fiery Klingon temper had died over the past few years as she had grown in confidence to produce one of the most talented engineers Kathryn had ever served with.  This she knew was partly due to her relationship with Tom Paris and the obvious love they shared between them.

 

The Holographic Doctor was also there, taking a well earned break from sickbay duty, leaving Chakotay in the capable clutches of one of his staff.  He was another of those who had become so much more then his parts, evolving so much from his original programming.  It would be difficult to imagine what life on Voyager would be like without him.

 

Apart from Tuvok, that left only Seven of Nine, the ex-Borg done who continued to make leaps and bounds concerning her humanity every year.  With the Doctor's guidance she had become more then anyone would have dared to imagine the moment they separated her from the Borg collective.

 

Settled, she knew that they were just waiting for her now.  Waiting for her to explain why they were here, just what was wrong with the Commander and what they could do to help.  She doubted that they had even considered imaging what she was just about to tell them.

 

Readying herself, she turned, making sure to meet each of their gazes as she sat.

 

"What I am about to tell you may come as a shock at first," she admitted softly, "but it is the truth and with present situations as they are, I believe that this is the only way."

 

No-one said anything.  No-one even dared move.

 

"For the past eight years, everything you have known, everything you have been told, everything you have learnt has been a lie."

 

A few glances resulted, but no-one dared to do more.

 

"I know for a fact that you will be better of not knowing what I am about to tell you, but I regret to inform you that that is no longer a viable option, as Chakotay's life may depend on what I am going to say."

 

Pausing, she tried to make that perfectly clear to everyone.

 

"What I'm about to tell you will not leave this room.  It will be talked of with no-one and thought about even less.  Do I make myself clear?"

 

A row of nods, expressions of utter confusion trying to be hidden spread across many of their faces.

 

"Good," she breathed.  "This part of the story starts twenty years ago, on the Starship Icarus..."

 

*-*-*

 

THE BEGINNING

 

*-*-*

 

Ensign Kathryn Janeway sat in the Icarus' messhall, lost in though as she gazed out of the windows at the star field beyond.  Less then a day out in space and still the sight of the ethereal streaks of warp stars illuminated the darkness of space, mesmerizing her almost to distraction.  Yet as she clenched a cooling half drunk mug of coffee, her mind was far from the thoughts of the home she would not see again for over a year.

 

Her first mission as a raw cadet and it had a covert top-secret nature attached to it.  She, like most of the others, had all been lead to believe that they were conducting scientific research on massive compact halo objects, but apparently Starfleet had other plans.  Not the Starfleet she had experienced so far, but a deeper. More suspicious side of the organisation very few were even aware existed.

 

They were also on a spy mission, travelling near Cardassian apace, actively up loading intelligence about their troop movements, weapons depots, fleet size and other data necessary to insure the defence of the Federation.  Her first venture into deep space was not an innocuous assignment to gather scientific data - it was an urgent military operation, crucial and dangerous, and she was a part of it.

 

Then there were the Rangers.  An elite core of Starfleet's finest.  Highly trained and well hidden.   A group of people kept secret from the rest, but so well grounded in scientific technique that it would be impossible to single them out, according to Admiral Paris that is.  Only he, aside from the Rangers themselves, knew the identities of the people, leaving everyone else only guessing.

 

It was strange, any body in this room could be a Ranger and she would not even know it, and if everything went according to plan, would never know it.

 

"Would you like some company?"

 

Looking up, she was surprised to see a figure stood in front of her, yet she did not even recall noticing his approach.

 

"Urm... sure," she offered, suddenly noticing that the seat opposite was the only place still available.  "Have a seat."

 

Smiling, he settled himself, turning his body towards her.

 

From her guess, she would say that he was probably only a few years older then herself, with a nice bronze skin tone, mysterious dark eyes and now that he was smiling gorgeous, heart stopping dimples.  His black hair was brushed neatly forward onto the top of his forehead in a way that only succeeded in enhancing his dark eyes even more.

 

Hearing him chuckle slightly, she suddenly realised that she was staring, and with a faint blush, dropped her eyes back down to her mug.  It has been a while since she had done that, found herself so enthralled with a guy.  The last time had been a certain Wil Riker and she still blushed remembering just what had happened there.

 

"You're new here, aren't you?" she heard him say in a surprising, but very attractive soft voice.

She nodded slightly, not daring to meet his gaze.

 

"Straight from the academy?"

Startled by the observation, she looked up at him.

 

"How did you know?"

 

Those dimples showing, he grinned mysteriously at her.

 

"The way that you were staring out of the window a few moments ago, there was a look in your eyes of wonder as if this was your first mission."

 

A faint smile on her lips, she found cheeks begin to flush again and resumed gazing at the brown liquid in her mug.

 

"My name's Chakotay."

 

There was something about the way he spoke and his personality that gradually put her at ease without even realising it.

 

"Kathryn Janeway," she replied, lifting her eyes to watch him.

 

A look of pleasant surprise lit up his face at her words.

 

"Any relation to Admiral Janeway?"

 

The smile gradually began to fade at the mention of her father.

 

"Daughter," she replied softly.  "Do you know him?"

 

"Only by reputation," Chakotay replied, carefully noticing her reaction.  There seemed to be conflicting emotions in her eyes, almost as if she was constantly battling against something.

 

"I guess you don't get to see him much," he continued softly.  "Being an admiral I would think he's really busy."

 

"He is," she admitted, her mind unwillingly thinking back to all those times he had not been there. The birthdays, the graduations he had missed; the month long absences; his departure from her life.  At the moment, they were the last things that she wanted to think about.

 

Pushing them aside, she desperately searched for a change of topic, only to be startled to realise that the only thing she knew about this stranger was his name.

 

"Is Chakotay your first or last name," she asked quickly, daring to look back at him.

 

Noticing her sudden change of topic, he smiled slightly, realising that she had felt uncomfortable when talking about her father.

 

"Both and neither," he admitted with a sparkle, "it's the only one I have, so you decide."

 

Smiling, she found herself quickly growing to like this stranger, something about his eyes and smile simply drew her to him.  He seemed so... open, almost, a pleasant change from the hidden secrecy of the covert part of their mission.  She found herself captivated by him, carefully listening to everything he had to say and as the moments passed she relaxed and begun to enjoy herself, forgetting about the fact that twenty minutes ago, she hadn't even known his name.

 

They talked about a variety of things.  The academy, Boothby the gardener there, their favourite places to eat at and even a little on their families.

 

She found out that he was actually a Native American descendant and had not actually been born on Earth.  An only child, he spent the early part of his life learning about his culture and heritage while hating every moment of it.  He was actually only two or so years older then her, having graduated as a pilot and now ranked a junior Lieutenant when in uniform.

 

"So," he was saying, sipping at his drink, "who's Admiral Paris assigned you to work with?"

 

"Lieutenant Tighe," she replied, her mind drifting back to the meeting just a few hours ago.  "We start 0800 hours tomorrow developing sensor-array modifications."

 

Finishing his drink, Chakotay gave a brief whistle.

 

"Rather you then me," he admitted with a grin.

 

Looking up, a part startled, part amused and part concerned look crossed her face.

 

"Wh... why?" she questioned slowly.  "Do you know Lieutenant Tighe."

 

Grinning, Chakotay immediately attempted to put her mind at ease.

 

"Well, firstly," he admitted, " I have to say, I don't think many people, including myself, know the Lieutenant.  He's very quiet, almost shy and keeps to himself quite a lot, but secondly and more importantly..."  Lowering his voice, gradually lent in closer to her, looking as if he didn't want them to be over heard.  "Don't tell anyone this but... I don't even know what a sensor array looks like, much less be able to modify one."

 

She stared at him blankly for a moment, wondering if he was actually serious or not.  It was, like with the admiral, actually quite hard to tell.  His face was completely serious, all except his eyes, which twinkled with mischief and humour, throwing doubt on her hypothesis that he was dead serious.

 

"Well," he continued, rising suddenly to his feet, "I guess I've used up enough of your valuable time.  "It's been nice meeting you."

 

Amused, she shook the hand he held out to her and nodded.

 

"You too," she smiled.

 

Letting go, he began to move away, stopping only to tell her...

 

"See you around... Katie."

 

Before grinning and leaving the room.

 

*-*-*

 

A week later, she was  back in that sae gazing out at the vastness that was space.  Well Chakotay had been right about one thing, Lieutenant Tighe really did keep to himself.

 

For the first hour of their new partnership, she had sat watching Justin Tighe as he moved around the science lab, tapping commands into a padd, running his hand through his hair, occasionally staring off into space, then turning back to the padd.

 

The one thing that she noticed early on that he did not do, was to include her in any of his musing.  He was a man working exclusively with himself and she hated it.  She was after all, an official member of the team and should be treated as such, instead of simply a silent piece of background.

 

She had stayed silent for a while, wondering how best to approach the situation.  He was after all, still her superior officer and had the right to proceed with their assignment in any matter he chose, but in the end, it was still 'their' assignment.  If she did not confront him now she may never earn his respect, so that was exactly what she had done.

 

She had been proud of the way she had handled the situation, confronting him, but without stepping over the line.  he had rebuffed her at first, but she had perused, refused to get angry with the rude behaviour of the man who was supposed to be her partner.

 

Holding his icy blue gaze, willing herself not to blink, she had proved to him that she was stronger then he thought and would be able to help if he at least gave her a chance to.

 

He seemed to back down slightly at that point, and neutrally told her, as if reciting the table of elements, about himself.  How he had had a hard childhood on Klalus Prime, the latest in a long line of miners.  How he knew he was not going to spend the rest of his life like his father and grandfather and had become a well respected member of Starfleet having earned it every step of the way.  He knew that he was hard to get on with and was not purposely trying to shut her out.  It was just, he was used to doing things on his own.

 

She had thanked him for being so honest with her and had thought that maybe she had got through to him, especially when he had swung the padd around and began giving her the notes on sensor resolution and sensitivity that he'd been assembling.  Confident that the going from that point would be smoother, she had got on with the job.

 

Nothing, however, could have been further from the truth.  A week on and Lieutenant Tighe proved to be an infuriating partner, a stern and demanding perfectionist, rigid in his work habits and intolerant of human error or frailty.  So far there had been no change whatsoever in the way he treated her, which was essentially as a mobile tricorder and nothing else.

 

Sighing, she trued not to think about it as a figure suddenly claimed the seat opposite her.

 

"Cheer up Katie, you look as if the universe is about to end."

 

Glancing up she attempted a smile, failing miserably she looked back down.

 

Suddenly more concerned, Chakotay's own smile faded and he silently reached across the table to grip one of her hands.

 

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked softly, his dark eyes searching her face for a clue.

 

For some reason Kathryn found herself more aware of the fact he was still gripping her hand then she had imagined she would.  There was something deep inside her that didn't want him to let go, needing the physical touch of another person.

 

"It's... urm... nothing," she replied softly.

 

He was not so convinced.

 

"Lieutenant Tighe giving you a hard time already?"

 

Her head automatically snapped up in reply.

 

"How did you know?"

 

He shrugged slightly brushing off the question.

 

"It's not the first time something like this has happened."

 

"There have been others?"

 

"Well actually... no," he grinned broadly.  "I just thought it would make you feel better."

 

Something about his smile was infectious and she found herself smiling back, subsequently cheering herself up.

 

"Do you always do that?" she asked with a slight chuckle, as she lifted her head to look at him.

 

"Do what?" he asked somewhat innocently.

 

"Make people laugh that easily?"

 

Blushing slightly, he lent forward to run his fingers through his raven black hair.  "No," he admitted with a twinkle, "just you," making her blush in turn, before becoming some what more serious.  "So tell me about Lieutenant Tight then."

 

Inhaling deeply, she released the breath as a deep groan.

 

"He's so... infuriating, " she sighed frustrated.  "He refuses to treat me as a partner.  Doesn't discuss things with me although we are supposed to be working together and replies to my suggestions with the same icy blue stare as if I'm an idiot or something.  Basically, I'm no more then a mobile tricorder to him, and I hate it..."

 

Pausing, she suddenly noticed the tell tell signs of a grin threatening to break out as the edges of his lips twitched.  Noticing her look, he gave up trying to hide it and simply gave in, allowing the smile to cover his face.

 

"What?" she asked incredulously, surprised by his out burst.

 

"Urm... nothing," he quickly replied, recovering his composure.  "It's just, I was thinking that Lieutenant Tighe musn't get out much, 'cause if I had a partner half like you, then I'm sure I could think of a hellova lot more interesting ways if using your expertise then just as a mobile tricorder."

 

For a brief moment she was not sure if it was the comment, the tone, or the twinkle in his eyes that truly brought the pinkness to her cheeks.  Blushing, she smiled slightly, before looking down, but it was then that their friendship really began.

 

*-*-*

 

As the weeks slowly drifted into months she found herself spending more and more time with Chakotay, their friendship growing rapidly.  On a ship were she didn't really know anyone he provided the ear that would listen to her problems no matter what, things she sure as hell could not talk to the admiral about.  He always seemed to understand and tried his best to help her, especially in coping with Lieutenant Tighe and then again with her father.  She often found herself looking forward to the time they spent together, without ever really considering 'why'.

 

His smile always had an infectious reaction on her and because he was happy, she was happy regardless.  Much of their free time was spent talking, sometimes in a holodeck often walking through the lush fields of what he called home.  He would show her his world while she continued to talk about hers.

 

Once when she was really down, he brought her a single red rose, making her heart beat just that little bit faster as her eyes lit up.

 

He was not Cheb and he was not Wil Riker, yet he was so much more.  Her pulse did not beat wildly out of control whenever she was with him, nor did she feel faint when they touched, but something about him stirred up a feeling inside her.  A feeling she sure as hell did not wan tot let go of, yet could not even name.

 

The more time she spent with him, the more time she wanted to spend with him.  The weeks passed and their relationship became deeper and more then once she had found herself wishing that their friendship would become so much more then that.

 

Then one night, it did.

 

*-*-*

 

"My mom's hair is practically the opposite to mine," Kathryn was admitting as they walked slowly back to her quarters.  "It's brown and curly and always looks better.  My sister Pheobe's is just the same, a mass of dark curly hair."

 

Sighing slightly, she paused as she finally reached her quarters.

 

"Heaven knows where I got mine from,' she continued glumly.

 

Grinning at her expression, Chakotay found himself automatically raising a hand to gently brush errand strands of fine auburn hair from her face, twirling it first between his fingers.

 

"I think you have beautiful hair," he whispered softly.

 

Lifting her head, she was startled by her lack of concern to the fact his hand was still grazing her cheek, yet she felt utterly comfortable with it being there.  Their eyes meeting, she suddenly sensed his hesitation, the hand beginning to slip away as his eyes refocused on the floor.

 

Her own hand caught his by its own accord, preventing him from removing his, keeping him pressed gently to her cheek.  She had no idea why she had just done that, she felt as if she had to, a moment later, their lips met for the first time.

 

For the few seconds their lips touched, Kathryn felt something she had never known she had been searching for.  Peace, calmness, acceptance... love.

 

Breaking away all too soon for her liking, Chakotay forced himself to take a slight step back before things suddenly went out of control.  There was a look of pure joy in Kathryn's eyes as they opened, something, he knew, he had helped to put there.

 

"You're beautiful Kathryn," he whispered softly, his thumb unconsciously caressing the skin of her cheek under his palm.  "Don't ever think otherwise," and with a smile, he turned forcing himself to slowly walk way from her.

 

Kathryn unconsciously continued to stare down the corridor minutes after he had left, a hand drifting up to touch the place his lips had been only moments before, a smile gradually spreading over her features.

 

*-*-*

 

Justin Tighe watched the embrace in silence, a grim expression on his face, before turning and walking unseen away.

 

*-*-*

 

Gaining no response once more from the Ensign, Justin looked up from his readings, slightly annoyed by her apparent lack of attention.

 

There was a distant far away look in Kathryn's eyes and it would not have needed a genius to figure out just what she was thinking about, especially not with that smile permanently attached to her features.

 

His mild annoyance rising, he sharply called her name, fighting to get her attention.

 

Blinking she suddenly looked at him, slightly confused as if coming out of some kind of trance.

 

"Pardon sir?" she asked quickly.

 

Trying not to sigh, he put down the padd he was holding, leaning forward over the table to level her with his icy blue gaze.

 

"Did you hear anything that I just said Ensign?"

 

Knowing she had been caught, she found herself staring back down at the table, a blush threatening to tint her cheeks.

 

"Sorry sir!"

 

She could still feel his steel blue gaze inspecting her and did not dare raise her eyes to look at him.  Minutes passed and much to her relief, he finally picked the padd up again, turning away to resume with the calculations.

 

"He's dangerous Ensign," she suddenly heard him say much to her utter amazement.  "He'll break your heart and you won't even realise that he's doing it."

 

She stared at him in perfect shock.  How the hell had he known what and what she was thinking about?

 

"Remember that Ensign," and then he turned away again, continuing with their assignment.

 

*-*-*

 

Kathryn was quiet, too quiet.  Something had happened and Chakotay was concerned about it.  She had barely looked at him all evening and her mind seemed some elsewhere.

 

Back in a holodeck, they were sitting on a hill that over looked his home village, the late afternoon sun warming their backs.  Kathryn sat gazing down the valley, her mind a million miles away.

 

"Katie..." reaching over he gently gripped her free hand, startling her enough to look at him, "are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

 

Sighing slightly, she looked away, too aware of what his innocent touch was already doing to her.

 

Now Chakotay really was concerned.

 

"If this is about what happened last night, then..."

 

His voice slowly died off as she slowly shook her head.

 

"What is it then?"

 

Taking a deep breath, she slowly turned back to face him, her blue eyes lifting to meet his concerned brown.

 

"Chakotay, I want... I need to know the truth...  Is this just another... fling to you?"

 

Chakotay found himself staring as he meet her gaze, not quite believing what she had just asked him.

 

"Pardon?'

 

Sighing again, she decided to plunge straight into the deep end.  "Lieutenant Tighe said that you'll break my heart and I wouldn't even know it."

 

Chakotay for once was speechless.  "He said that?" he finally managed after a pause.

 

She nodded slightly, her face a picture of misery.

 

"And you actually believed him?"

 

She didn't reply to that one, just shifted her eyes till she was once more gazing down at the valley below.

 

"Oh come here."

 

A slight smile on his face, he gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders, drawing her tightly into his embrace.

 

"I love you too much to ever hurt you Katie J," he whispered softly by her ear, "and don't you ever forget that."

 

Rolling away slightly, she lifted her head to gaze up at him, a stray twinkle in her eyes. 

"Do you really mean that?" she whispered back, lifting her hand to brush against his cheek.  "Do you really love me?"

 

Smiling, he reached forward to place a softly kiss on her forehead. 

 

"With all of my life.  I love you."

 

*-*-*

 

Justin looked up surprised as the chime on his door went.  Firstly it was late and secondly, he could not think of anyone who would actually want to see him in the first place.

 

"Come in."

 

The door sliding open, he was only half aware of a figure entering before hands gripped his jacket, hoisting him sharply to his feet.  In an instant he knew who it was.

 

"What the hell did you tell her?"

 

Taking a step back, he freed himself from the grasp.

 

"Nice to see you too Chakotay."

 

Seeing Chakotay angry, this angry was a once in a lifetime experience, especially as the look in his dark eyes threatened to kill.  Chakotay was dangerous when he was angry, but it usually took a lot to get him like this.

 

Chakotay kept his hands clenched, tightly so, not wanting to make any rash decisions and suddenly be up on murder charges.

 

"What the hell did you say to her?" he growled again, his voice getting quieter as he got angrier.

 

Justin met his heated gaze with an ice blue one of his own.

 

"Only the truth," he stated after a pause.

 

"The truth?!"

 

"Yeah Chakotay, or have you forgotten your orders.  You're supposed to be protecting her, not sleeping with her."

 

It was all he could do not to deck Justin there and then.

 

"I'm not sleeping with her."

 

"Not yet," he replied coldly, "but for how long?  What is she going to do when she finds out the truth?"

 

"If she finds out the truth," Chakotay corrected.

 

"No," Justin replied softly, "'when' she finds out the truth.  She's too intelligent not to work it out for herself.  Then what will you do?"

 

Chakotay was silent, carefully observing the man in front of him.  Practically the same height, their eyes were level as they stared at each other, brown meeting blue.  After a number of seconds, Chakotay silently turned and walked back towards the door.

 

"You know Chakotay," Justin called, the other man stopping but not turning around.  "If I didn't know you better, I would say you've fallen in love with Kathryn."

 

Chakotay hesitated as those words hit forcefully home.

 

"And if I didn't know you didn't have a heart Justin," he replied coldly, "I would say that you had as well."  And with that, he left.

 

*-*-*

 

May 20th and Kathryn switched off the console with a sigh.  Well, looking on the bright side, at least her Father had remembered her birthday this year, although the subspace message was not really much in a way of a present.

 

He hadn't said much, but had sounded tired, and the lined rapidly forming under his eyes said that he was working hard also.  He didn't really tell her what he was doing, as usual, but it was no secret that he was working on the Cardassian situation, just like they were in their own little way.

 

To her relief, Kathryn had found that that other, covert, mission might as well not have existed.  Between her work with Lieutenant Tighe and her off hours with Chakotay, she was unaware of the ship doing anything except surveying the galactic rim and amassing data on halo objects.  If there was information gathering going on at the same time, she was gratefully ignorant of it.

 

Hearing the chime on her door ring, she looked up just in time to see Chakotay walk in.  The sight of him ad that smile on his lips made her heart want to sing, and she rose to her feet to embrace the man she was falling more and more in love with with each passing moment.

 

Their lips meeting, she raised herself to tip toes to wrap her arms tightly around his neck, keeping him close.

 

"Urm... Katie," he said after a pause, their lips still locked together.  "I can't give you your present if you don't let go."

 

Smiling against him, she replied with a quick kiss before drawing away.  It was only then that she realised that his hands were still clasped behind him back.

 

"Okay Flyboy, what is it then?" she teased jokingly.

 

"Flyboy?!" he rose an eyebrow.  "That's a new one," but seeing that she was about to die from anticipation, he decided to be kind and put her out of her curious misery, as soon as possibly.  It was after all, her birthday.

 

"Happy birthday Katie."

 

Bringing his hand round, he heard her gasp as her eyes fixed on the red rose attached by matching red ribbon to a small package wrapped delicately in white tissue paper.

 

"It's beautiful Chakotay," she breathed as he gave it to her.

 

"Don't judge a book by its cover Katie," he chided jokingly, "you haven't opened it yet."

 

Slipping out the rose and then unwinding the ribbon, she slowly peeled away the layers, a delicate looking necklace falling onto her hand. 

 

"My god Chakotay, it's beautiful."

 

And it was.  A bluish looking stone lay attached to a beautiful thin silver chain, sparkling in the star light.

 

"It's a moon stone," he explained softly, gently taking the necklace from her grasp to slip around her neck.  "My people believe that it represents your moods and changes colour accordingly.  The more you wear it, the more sensitive it becomes to your emotions.  There," he announced as he clicked shut the latch, before moving back round to face her.

 

"It's stunning Chakotay," she breathed once more.  "Thank you.  I'll never take it off."

 

"Never?" he repeated raising an eyebrow.

 

"Never," she affirmed.

 

*-*-*

 

Chakotay had begun it all by kissing her.  It had only supposed to have been a gentle kiss or reassurance, a celebration of their three month anniversary.  It was supposed to have finished after only a few minutes.  She was not supposed to have reacted like that.

 

The minute their lips had met, a feeling of peace washed over Kathryn.  Her arms snaked around his head automatically, gripping his head so he could not pull away, her other hand slipping under his shirt to trace the contours of the muscles below.  She was barely conscious of what she was doing, just of the fact. She wanted him.

 

The minute her hand touched his chest, a warming light activated in his mind.  Taking a step back, Chakotay pulled himself away, before they went too far and he lost control.

 

The look of surprise that crossed her face was almost his undoing and he made himself look away before he fell into her deep blue depths.  Studying their clasped hands, he willed his heart to slow down.

 

"Katie..." he said slowly, "I don't want you to do anything you might regret."  Slowly he lifted his head, daring to gaze into her eyes.

 

"Don't... don't you want me?"

 

The concerned troubled expression on her face hit him hard.  Lifting a hand he gently rubbed her cheek with his thumb.

 

"More then anything," he replied with a slight smile, "but before now you never made any indication you wanted to take the next step, and I don't want you to regret it afterwards."

 

Glancing down, she gently squeezed his hand, searching her mind for the right words to proceed with.

 

"I have a confession to make," she began slowly, lifting her head to meet his gaze.  "I've never actually... been with a guy like this before... You would be my first."

 

He stared at her almost blankly for a moment, before a slight smile twitched his lips.

 

"I was with Cheb before the academy," she continued finding it easier to say if she didn't have to face him.  "Our relationship was so on and off, we never actually really reached the stage where we...  Then at the academy, I stayed away from guys as much as possible.  I didn't want to be hurt again.  And then there's you."

 

Freeing her hands, she gently reached up to wrap one round his neck, the other, she gently stroked his face with, tracing his perfect features with the tip of her finger.

 

"The man who stole my heart and for the past few weeks all I can think about is showing you how much I love you.  To touch you, bare skin to bare skin.  To press myself tightly to you so we don't know where one body ends and the other one starts.  To see the pleasure in your eyes as our bodies join together.  To feel you..."

 

But she never finished.  Chakotay had had enough.  Well passed his peak of self-control, he took those steps forwards pinning her firmly against the wall, his lips ruthlessly adhesive to hers, his arousal pressed tightly against her.

 

Kathryn found herself moaning, part in surprise at his forcefulness and then in delight due to the feel of him so tight against her.  Slowly her hand sneaked down to gently rub against him, the sight of aroused pleasure so evident in hie eyes only succeeding to fuel her own.

 

Pulling away, he found himself breathing deeply, as he supported his weight on his arms resting on the wall either side of Kathryn's head.

 

"Are you sure you haven't done this before?" he asked with a twinkle in his dark eyes.

 

Seeing her shake her head, he smiled, gently drawing her into the bedroom and proceeded to show her just why it was the human race would never die out.

 

*-*-*

 

Glancing to his side, Chakotay watched as Kathryn stirred slightly in her sleep, shifting to nestle her face even deeper onto his chest.  Her long auburn hair hung in layers down her bare back and a smile rested peacefully on her hips.

 

Lifting her arm to wrap further around her, he suddenly wondered what the hell he had got himself into.  Over the years, he had been with a couple of women, but never like this.  Kathryn had managed to stir up in him so many different emotions, one of them, he knew now for certain, was love.

 

Oh by the gods, he did, he truly did love her and now that he thought about it, he had for a long time.  Admiral Janeway had always been a terrible bragger about his Kathryn and even before he had had the chance to meet her, Chakotay had felt that he had practically known her.  Maybe that was why he had volunteered to undertake this assignment; the mission to protect her.  He hated to think that any harm might come to her, but that was the truth of the galaxy they were living in.  Space was a dangerous place, and getting worse every day.

 

He knew that he would have to keep close to her, but mow, maybe he had got just a little too close.  If she ever found out the truth... It would break her heart, and his...

 

*-*-*

 

End Of Part One

TBC

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