On my mind from under my covers.

---------->the twenty fourth of febuary in the year two thousand.<----------

okay so im confuseed and bewildered and a little hurt right now. becky left and went to texas for two weeks. without telling me. so . . she gets back in a week. hopefully. im a little upset. yeah.

today was okay. went to the play (for a field trip, guys and dolls) it was nifty. i enjoyed it. almost as much as the fact that i wasnt in class.

confused-bewinldered.

wearing tan pants. grey and white socks. girls kick butt grey tee shirt. and a strange expression on my face.

sleater-kinney on my speakers.

i think im a little angry too. dont know. no i shouldnt be. thats just the way becky is. but . . i woulda made an extra effort to tell her if i was leaving for two weeks. oh well. shes like that i guess.

*raises eyebrows*

---------->the twenty third of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

feeling incredibly zoney today. school has been totally blah this week. only been there for one and a half days so far. and will only be there for two and a half days total. its major blah. feeling strange as well. indescbriabable really.

been visiting some really nifty sites lately. quite inspiring. speciallyalexx's site. i rally like what shes done. radness. and poestess.org hopin theyll host this site someday. maybe when i learn some better html skills.

wearing plaid pants. black "life is a chardonay" tee shirt. no socks.no stars. no worries (i wish)

pj harvey on my speakas. she really grows on ya. im glad i spent my last 1fourteen bucks on her.

hands are warmwarm. body is cleanclean. mind is racing racing. head is poundingpounding.

*covers with papers*

---------->the nineteenth of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

well viv ala mexico! i am here in rocky point and relazxing . . finally. feeling sorta of . . ancy at the moment. wnating to get out and party . . but unfortunately people to party with are running low at the moment. friends who were coming couldn't and so i dance alone tonight. :O) oh well you can fun that way too.

feeling relaxed and cold. yesh cold. i need to find some socks soon.

wearing black pants. yellow long sleeve shirt iwth lucky sprite shir over it.

latino jazz on the stero. hey im ready for a fiesta.

contemplating relationships at the moment. whether i could handle one at he moment or not. somehow i think i could. despite certain emotional instabilities.

*covers with blankets*

---------->the fifteenth of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

hmmm. today was extremelly relaxing. feeling happy and content at the moment. stomache is throbbing. but hey. at least thats only physical pain. and i know its just because i havent eaten all day. i slept and slept today. and i cleaned. and i drove and picked up my bro from the place of eduacation which he attends. heh.

when i was cleaning i found an old old folder of work from my elementary school honors english class. it was crazee. like to read what i was writing while i was ten. i never realized how advanced i was compared to a normal ten-year old. that sounds relly conceited. but useing phrases like "and i contemplated my actions as i wiped the sweat from my brow" are certainly not typical fair. i read some of my earliest poetry. from when my favourite teacher(to this day) in elementary first got me started on it. and i saw the hints of depression even then. its strange how i can see that so easily now.

wearing baggy baggy new blue jeans. hard rck tee shirt. old skool vans. grey socks.

hole is on my ears. courtney looooove. that line "love hangs herself with the bedsheet in her cell" gotta love it.

hands are soo clean. ive washed them like fifty times today. no know why.

*sings* "they're playing playing your song."

*covers with soap*

---------->the fourteenth of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

well its lovely valentines day. its going to take me forever to write this because like tons of people are talking to me. today was actually pretty rad. i dont like valentines day. and still dont but this one was definatly more tolerable. joey boey got me a carnation. and then after skool kief and tommie came over and then later on maryann and tauni (patchespatchesandpatches). and we all went out for chinese. then they took me to beckys to give her flowers. it was nice id say. yesh.

feeling happy. fulfilled.spiffy.

wearing plaid pants.bright orange tee-shirt. bared toes. purple underwear. blue star on right hand.

portishead on my speakers.so sensual. i really like the singers voice lots. yesh. makes me feel. .relaxed.

mm. my heart is okie at the moment. been thinkinig about a certain person alot. you know who you are. *grins*

well im off to the wild blue yonder

*covers with grins*

---------->the ninth of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

what the hell is wrong with me? why do people feel the need to rail on me at random and change thier opinions about me? these are the types of questions i ask myself these days.

im not sick anymore. way behind in school. gotta make it up somehow.its thursday tomorrow. yay. week is almost over.

feeling angry. saddened. confused. and disapointed.

wearing tan cut off cords. blue tee shirt. favourite blue socks. and old skool vans again.

no music for me right now. silence is the way i feel. silence alows for me to concleal the way i feel.

my hands are throbbing. my head as well. my heart is breaking. whats new?

*uncovers so others can trample*

---------->the seventh of febuary in the year two thousand<----------

sick again. some sort of funky flu. yukky. no school tomorrow.crashed computer today. gotta use the laptoppy now.

weekend was good. went to speech tourney. got to semis. but mostly kewl cause i met someone rad. heh yesh. more later. sunday was the biosphere. that was spiffy. becky went too. shes doing okay i guess. wanted to talk to her about her new job today. but she not home.

wearing blue jeans. old skool vans. hard rock tee shirt. no bra. nope. green star on right hand again. i like it yesh.

hair is messy. head is pounding. stomache turning. mind is screaming.

"let me out. let me out"

hot so hot. all over. yesh. hands too (alex).

i want a tattoo of a star somewhere. becky said shed think about it and tell me where i should get it at. yesh. it will be green uh huh.

ive been thinking i need to be held lately. but i dont know if that will do. it might get old. right now i need it yesh. not a want a must have. no holding will come nope. owww.

*covers eyes from glare*

---------->the second of febuary in the year two thoudsand<----------

well. today sucked. on the verge of tears all day. im feeling better now though. my mom took me aside and told me to fukking quit internalizing everything. i guess she sorta snapped me out of it. its no fun being sad. ive been sad too much in my life. and my mom doesnt have cancer after all so i can be happy about that.

so now im copying a bunch of cds for my daddy. i love my daddy. we never used to be that close, but i think i appreciate him more now. he's a pretty rad cat. he said hes gonna take me to best buy this weekend too. yay.

im leaving friday during seventh period for speech tourney in globe. itll be good to get away from everything for a while. ill be back sat nite. sunday my 'rents wanna go see the biosphere for some odd reason. they are aloud to be a little strange though.

wearing baggy dark blue jeans. blue tie-dyed t-shirt. burgundy sweatshirt. blue penned star on right hand. hot. all over.

window closed. been paranoid lately about someone crawling through it. half wishing someone will. would be interesting. i think id scare intruders away. id like start talking about shit and theyd run. :O)

*covers with sweat*

----------> the thirtieth of january in the year two thoudsand<----------

hmm . .weenkend is nice. sitting in my warm room. listening to my new vertiacla horizona cd. i love it. and again the music touches me. damn touching music :O) why does it do that? maybe my emotional state has something to do with it.

friday was even more rad than i thought. went to the mall. got a new cd. got becky. made spaghetti for all of us. then alice and kim came over. we hung out. watched movies. moved becky to her new apartmento on saturday. then went out with alice and kim again last night. my muscles ache from moving stuff.

wearing green cords.yellow seater.koala socks. feet are cold hands are warm. mind is zonked.

im feeling very. . defeated. i cant even write about this. just defeated. not able to write about it . scary. cant though all the same. cant talk cant write. cant think. grr.

but its not so bad . . .you're only the best i ever had.

*covers with tears*

----------> the twenty-sixth of january in the year two thousand<----------

well today way pretty rad. not as good as yesterday. but thats always the case. i still have a little happy buzz going on. i think its partly because of this happy techno song playing on my stereo. head is bobbing.

drinking out of my special homemade mug. mommy thinks its funny that i made it. i think its nifty.

wearing dark khakis. red shirt. lucky socks. feet are cold.body is cold. hands are warm.

tomorrow gonna hang out with joey and becky. becky is writing again. im soo proud. gonna be spiffy to hang.excitedness.

hmm. wanna take a warm shower. and just stand in there while that water trickles down around me.just stand there for all eternity with my happy techno song on. then climb into my pj pants and wrap myself up in my down comforter and just grin. and smile. and smirk. all by my lonesome. tangled up in etherial happiness.

*covers with water*

----------> the twenty fifth of january in the year two thousand. <----------

today was a happy day. woke up in time to actually eat breafast. had a less than usually annoying day at school. came home and danced around the house for the first time in six months. didnt realize how much i miss doing that. even though my mother hid when she saw me. no not really. she knows im strange. listening to a happy song . . dance mix thingy of sorts. grandparents showed up for a few hours on their way back to cali.

bobbing head back and forth. jiving.

wearing blue shirt. khaki pants. skater shoes. funky glasses that everyone admires. and boxers. yesh. underneath the pants. quite comfortable. keeps my butt warm.

hands are warm.as always. rest is cold. feeling funky and sexy. stangeness. radness.

just realized im wrtiting like alex. its keen. i like it. yesh.

all for now. *crawls back under covers*


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Email: ceejay21@hotmail.com