Statues

There's this 2 naked statues that have been standing on a part for such a long time. One is a girl and one is a boy. Then one day an angel comes down from heaven and said 

Angel: You statues have been very good, so I'm going to turn you into human. And you have half an hour to live as human and you can do whatever you want within that half an hour. 

So she turn them to humans. After that they ran to the forest and suddenly the trees were moving back and forth, and 15 mins.  later they came back. The angel said you guys still got 15 mins

So the guy ask the girl if she wants to do it again and she say yes. And the guy say "but this time, you hold the bird, and I poop on it....

Vampire

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to "bug off" and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I sure didn't!"

Phone Call

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband." Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh... is this 832-4821?" "Oh, shit!!!"  

Pain

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.