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The Slickster...Bill Clinton

Clinton's Speech Translated Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.
[Translated comments are in brackets.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bill Clinton's Speech"

Aug. 17, 1998

Bill CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullshit...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
[I lied like the devil.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Guess who's not 'getting any' tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.']

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most- my wife and our daughter-and our God.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]

Now it is time-in fact, it is past time, to move on.
[Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

We have important work to do-real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promises of the next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching.
[Sorry you had to see this.]

And Good Night.
[Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]


Future Site of Clinton Pres. Library!


PresLib.jpg
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Clinton, the Butt of the Jokes!
New Jokes added 9/23/98


What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
The President after Bush.
Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
Lorena Bobbit
Why is Clinton so Interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
My Taste for Power.
What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.
How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A dog chases his own tail.
What is Bill's favorite card game?
Poker
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
CHELSEA
What did Bill Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
NOW she decides to open her mouth.
What is Bill's favorite toy?
An Erector Set.
What does Bill say to Hillary aftr a romantic interlude?
Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Why does Bill cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.
Whats the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
There are some things the Secret Service son't do to protect the President
What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
Swallow the leader.
What is Bill's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.
How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.

The First Family in Deep Thought!


clinton2.jpg
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What is Clinton's number one training excercise for interns?
Tounge Twisters.
Why did Clinton cross the road?
To get to the intern on the other side, of course.
Whats the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot Remover.
Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle.
What is Bills favorite T.V. Show?
Leave it to Beaver.
How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
You've got french fries in your hair and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.
What's Bill's favorite brand of potato chips?
Lays
New Jokes Added Every Day
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