I'm afraid that although those reviews that you read in the paper SOUND convincing - they're just not honest.

Think about it people! Those people who do the prestigious reviews are PAID MONEY to write particular things about movies!
We at SCHWOXZIE however, are doing this of our own accord for the benefit of our faithful visitors who know this is the ONLY place on the planet to get down-to-earth, truthful reviews.

You must keep in mind though, that, although we are very avid movie-goers, (the schwoxzie movie experience is really a .... well ... experience) the scope of the movies we can review is pretty limited by funds and time etc.

We are, however, aware of the grooviness of our page and would be willing to accept some kind of sponsorship so we can go see more movies.

Ok...here they are:

Armageddon

OK, first thing you notice about Armageddon is the sexy actor who plays ... A.J.! oooohhhhh!!! Many of my esteemed colleagues have critisised the acting of Bruce Willis.
I think he did an OK job in fact. Like, this guy is used to playing tough serial killers and macho army people and now they want him to play an OIL DRILLER who has to save his country! For goodness bloody sake, give the guy a break!!!! PLUS, he's still getting over his breakup with Demi - no wonder he got so grumpy! He was taking it all out on Ben!!! I personally don't think that the casting for that particular role was perfect. Ok, so he's a workman, big and muscly, but when it comes to saving the country, he just puts on his "saving the country/leader of my team/i know exactly what i'm doing" hat - and everything is fine.

Some practical difficulties:

• How do you know what a nuclear weapon is going to do in a vaccuum?
• How do you know that a metal drill is going to penetrate a totally alien substance?
• How do you know that there are no aliens living on an asteroid like that? - you would kill them to save you?
• How could you not figure out that there's gonna be a fair few large rocks flying from behind an asteroid moving at 100s of miles/hr?

I think the most insightful comment was made by my brother who said:
"If they got rid of all the crumbling bits - it would have been an hour shorter."

ok - I guess they can take care of all those comments will two simple words: "poetic licence"

but other than that it was a really exciting and interesting movie. Lots of suspense and stuff

go see it!

The Truman Show!

"What they don't know, can't hurt 'em."

Sliding Doors

This is a movie in which you HAVE to be paying attention. It is a real "What if?" movie. It runs two different stories at once: one where Gwenyth Paltrow (Helen) misses the subway, and another when she makes it. When she makes it, she comes home to find her de facto (major whoos) in bed, "shagging" (we hear that word enough in this flick) another woman. (who is a complete bitch and i personally don't get what he sees in her). From there her life takes two amazingly different directions and it is all very interesting. The best character in the whole thing is Helen's best friend Anne. The guys a real let-downs at times. Anyway, you have to go and see it to find out how they resolve these two lives in the end. Take a guess! - you'll probably be right!

Well, it's about time some decent movies were reviewed here, so i'm taking things into my own hands. This film is pure brilliance - from the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow to the french guy to the knights who say ni! to sir launcelot the brave and sir robin the not quite so brave, sir gallahad the pure and so on. A movie of this callibre hasn't been made in an awfully long time. I do believe that without me babbling about it or it's storyline which doesn't really exist you should go and see it. pure brilliance i tell you.

The Scarlet Pimpernel

This movie is truly the most brilliant ever made. (On a par with the other most brilliant movie ever made - "Monty Python's Holy Grail"). Oh wow...it gives me the shivers just thinking about this movie. oohhh! ok, set in the middle of the yukky bit of the French Revolution (ie., the bit where they were cutting everybody's heads off). The Scarlet Pimpernel (played by Anthony (Gorgeous) Andrews - most sexy and best-at-acting actor ever born in the history of the world...BUT HE'S MINE SO GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF 'IM!) is an English nobleman who gets together with a few friends to try and save as many aristocrats as they can from 'Madame le Guilloutine' (i think that's right). Anyway, the Frenchies get really pissed off 'cause they wanna behead as many aristocrats as they can! Naturally they want to kill as many Scarlet Pimpernels as they can as well. But, there's one simple problem... they don't know who he is! If you haven't figured it out yet the name "Scarlet Pimpernel" is just a pseudonym and the real guy's name (don't tell anyone..)is Sir Percy Blakeney, who does a brilliant job of acting like an idiot so that they don't even suspect him for a "tiny instant". Oh, and then you get a romantic story of love, passion and betrayal thrown in which, all in all, makes for...well...the most brilliant movie ever made in the history of the world. However....tiny problem - the video is terribly hard to come by. Do ring around video stores before you end up driving 'round the countryside trying to find it. Remember to mention you want the ANTHONY (GORGEOUS) ANDREWS version. Okey dokey - do go see it!