Jokes
I have received most of these jokes from my friends in Trivia, I have
tried to acknowledge who they are when possible. If you would like me to post
a joke of yours just e-mail me. Please Sign my Guestbook on my homepage.
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STATE OF TEXAS DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last Name____________________
First Name-Check Appropriate Box
(_)Billy-Bob (_)Bobby Sue
(_)Billy-Joe (_)Bobby-Jo
(_)Billy-Ray (_)Bobby-Ann
(_)Billy-Sue (_)Bobby-Lee
(_)Billie-Mae (_)Bobby-Ellen
(_)Billy-Jack (_)Bobby-Beth-Anne-Sue
Age: ________ (if unsure guess)
Sex:___M ___F ___Not Sure
Shoe Size ____Left ____Right
Occupation:
___Farmer ___Hairdresser ___Unemployed ___Mechanic ____Waitress
Number of children living in household___
Number of children living in shed___
Number that are yours___
Education: 1 2 3 4 (circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
Model and year of your pick-up:___________ 194__
Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_)No...If no explain_________________
___Number of times you have seen a UFO
___Number of times you've seen Elvis
___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe? ___Weekly ___Monthly ___N/A
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)Don't know
From TxYankee 12-29-97
From Pfeferneuserer....Gas Joke...LOL
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman
he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the
time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the salad the young
man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
SPOT!! called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
SPOT!! she called out sharply. I've got it made thought the fellow to himself. One more and
I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. SPOT!! shrieked the mother. Get over here
before he shits on you!!
ADAM, EVE AND GOD
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of things left-over in
his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple
that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork, jumped up
and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man
should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please
God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook
her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed
to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes,
multiple orgasms..."
From Nebula48
WORDS FROM WOMEN
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor.
It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."
- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it
at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." - Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same
purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Gabor
Submitted by Boo_schwa and Nebula48
HICKPHONICS
The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline
through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools.
A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the
Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from
Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that
thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel
Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
AXE - verb. To inquire.
Usage: "Axe ya brother fur help."
Submitted by Babycrusher
Cute Joke from Chicago Rocks
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man
walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr.
talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just
doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say
that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
BUMPER STICKERS
Kevorkian for White House Physician
The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine.
Time Is What Keeps Things from Happening All at Once
I Didn't Fight My Way to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian.
Women Who Seek to Be Equal with Men Lack Ambition.
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot.
If We Aren't Supposed to Eat Animals, Why Are They Made with Meat?
Few Women Admit Their Age, Few Men Act It.
I Don't Suffer from Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute of It.
It's Lonely at the Top, but You Eat Better.
Love: Two Vowels, Two Consonants, Two Fools.
According to My Calculations the Problem Doesn't Exist.
Pride Is What We Have. Vanity Is What Others Have.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.
Warning: Dates on Calendar Are Closer than They Appear.
Give Me Ambiguity or Give Me Something Else.
We Have Enough Youth, How about a Fountain of "Smart."
Make it Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot.
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.
Always Remember You're Unique, Just like Everyone Else.
Lottery: a Tax on People Who Are Bad at Math.
Very Funny Scotty. Now Beam down My Clothes.
Puritanism: the Haunting Fear That Someone, somewhere May Be Happy.
Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.
We Are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
3 Kinds of People: Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't.
Why Is "Abbreviation" Such a Long Word?
Ever Stop to Think, and Forget to Start Again?
Diplomacy Is the Art of Saying "Nice Doggie!"...Till You Can Find a Rock.
I like You but I Wouldn't Want to See You Working with Sub-atomic Particles.
"Auntie Em: Hate You, Hate Kansas, Taking the Dog." -Dorothy
Lead Me Not into Temptation, I Can Find it Myself.
(Submitted by Chicago Rocks)
SEMINARS FOR MEN ONLY:
1. You, Too, Can Do Housework
2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. Techniques of Calling Home
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous
13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a
Bidet")
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Kitchen to Curbside
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma-If It's awake: Take A Cold Shower
20. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel
Gibson When Naked")
21. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
From Kaysei
Enjoy The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but
still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but
who gives a damn?
The Ages of Man:
1. between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. over 47 : Try weakly
Submitted by Philisophical
A COP PULLS OVER A CAR LOAD OF NUNS.....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
(At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.)
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Submitted by Pfefferneusse
DECOY
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in
the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull
away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read
him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a
reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
FIRST AIDE
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits
down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two
guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a
sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue
(obviously in serious respiratory distress).
One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said,
"Can you speak?" She shook her head no.
He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed,
"I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
SAD STORY
A guy named Jim receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately,
when Jim arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of
the stadium - he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through
the first quarter, Jim notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Jim again inquires
of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Jim,
"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Submitted by Unseenterror
MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
Every day I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
=========
Now, look at what some woman wrote in response...
=========
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Millennia Year Application Software System MYASS
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are
currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year
2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application
Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in
which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations
throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I
have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.
Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised
to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the
less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when
asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me
"I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I
volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she
admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward
to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle,
she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we
were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required
prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all
information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program,
feel free to put anything you want into MYASS.
>
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk
by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here,
stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to
the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain
historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we
provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so
rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
out of MYASS".
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Email: phyl1@hotmail.com
