MW Current Events #14

Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events

6/06/00: Full-Time Dad
5/27/00: Superman Bitch Slapped
5/26/00: Rosie's Chocolate Gun
5/20/00: Dead But Safe
5/13/00: Illegals Rape Retailer's
5/11/00: Oprah Causes Upchuck
5/08/00: Jim J. & Typhoid Mary
5/05/00: Mexico Sues Caballeros
5/02/00: Reno/Leno Attack Amway
June 6th, 2000: Mr. Wonderful, Full-Time Dad

Birthday BoyFourteen years ago today I witnessed my wife giving birth to my youngest son. Six years later I came home full time. Mrs. Wonderful said to me today, before she left to run her world-wide resort empire, "For his birthday, go out and buy him some things he likes." How many dad's would be able to pick out exactly what their boy likes...little things, specific things, not stuff like Walkmen, boom boxes, ball gloves, or bicycles? When the boy unwrapped the three boxes full of 'little stuff' he shoved aside the 1,000 shares in Cisco and the Rolex and exclaimed "Thanks alot dad." Whew.

May 27, 2000: Mr. Wonderful Bitch-Slaps Superman

Oh Gawd. Have I had enough of those painful, squawking Christopher Reeve pleas for spinal research? Yes, it is sad that he has been so horribly crippled. But not many of us have the funds to participate in horse jumping or polo or whatever snapped his flaccid neck. What Mr. Clark Goes DownWonderful is really pissed off about is a comment that Mr. Reeve made about body builders when he was forced to whip his doughy torso into shape for the first Superman movie. (Know that Mr. Wonderful has been lifting weights for almost thirty years ... okay, okay, sometimes I let myself get out of shape...) Reeve acted like anyone who lifted weights was a sweating dolt and an ego maniac marching for the nearest mirror. Mr.Wonderful @ Barstow to Vegas Race He put down weight-lifting like it was so beneath him. He couldn't wait to be through with the movie so he could steer clear of the gym. Forever. Well, he got his wish. Had he continued to work out however, he probably would not have broken his neck in a simple fall from his $50,000 one-horsepower steed. How do I know? Because I used to race motorcycles off-road at speeds up to 85 mph. And I occasionally crashed. Many times I landed on my head. I cracked a couple of the top of the line Snell Approved helmets, broke my collarbone once, and crashed so hard one time that I had amnesia worse than Hillary being deposed. How sad it is that Christopher abhorred the one thing that could have certainly saved his neck.

May 26, 2000: If Guns Were Made of Chocolate, Rosie Wouldn't be So Mad

Criminal's Best Friend, a locked firearmAn Absolutely Safe Handgun According to the Cato Institute  ( ) in 1997 only 142 children under the age of 15 years died in gun accidents. Mr. Wonderful knows, where my readers may not, that the definition of 'child' in virtually all Federal Crimes is 'under the age of 15.' The total number of gun-related deaths for this entire group of 15 and younger was 642. More children die from asthma attacks than from any type of firearm incident, accidental or not. That's the problem with lovely ladies like Rosie O'Loser. They lie. They use statistics which are false and then scream about gun-deaths when my look-alike and NRA spokesman, Tom Selleck innocently saunters onto the set. Why are Rosie and the majority of liberals against responsible citizens exercising their 2nd Amendment Right by owning firearms? Rosie O'LoserOprah Eyeing MW's African American ThighsWhy are they frantically concerned about 642 annual deaths of children involved with firearms, rather than the one thousand or more who die every month due to auto accidents and government mandated air bags? They are more concerned because liberals don't own  firearms, (they really do, but until caught at the local airport by metal detectors will deny it) but they do own cars. And, everyone knows that anything and everything that happens to a liberal is someone else's fault. So when a liberal allows their WIC  meal-tickets to scamper around the interior of their moving vehicle and an accident occurs and munchkins are killed, it is someone else's fault. If Rosie and her crap brained contemporaries turned their hearts and their efforts towards the largest killer of children they would be accusing the very people who made them so famously wealthy. And whenever loss of wealth, status or power is possible, liberals bravely manage to choke down their effervescent and ever-present compassion and caring.

May 20th, 2000: Newsman Legally Dead .

The other night, while Mr.Wonderful relaxed in his luxurious entertainment center, he watched as local Channel 12 News favorite, Kent Dana, faced, using basic instincts, a simulated intruder (armed with a paint gun) into his home. Skier Or Burglar? With no training or advice, cutie Kent painted the heart of this intruder, without any injury to himself. Had it been a real confrontation, another scumbag would have been removed from our court system, our jails, our world. Then Kent received training on the "proper method" to defend against an armed intruder. Moments later Mr.Dana lay in simulated death, the armed intruder wounded but still mobile. Still mobile to kill everyone else in the home, burglarize it, burn it to the ground and escape. I love it. In utilizing the legally designated "proper defense" Kent and his family die. In using his own "ignorant" instincts, to protect home and hearth, Kent wastes the violent intruder and lives on to produce another "Wednesday's Child" segment.

May 13, 2000: Illegal's Raping Retailers

Shoplifter Catcher As Mr.Wonderful wandered the Mervyn's California store today he noted the addition of the newest anti-shoplifting devices. Now there they were on every exit. Devices to catch criminals attempting to steal merchandise. Who are these criminals? Most of them are criminals before they even attempt to cram that Tommy Hilfiger windbreaker down the front of their yard sale purchased pants. These criminals are undocumented aliens, here illegally, practicing the part of their culture that makes life in Mexico such a depressing proposition. You see, for the most part, the Mexican culture being exported to the American Southwest views honesty as a weakness and capitalism, where willing seller's openly display goods to willing buyers, as a license to steal. Five years ago I saw stores in areas of Southern California, where these illegals had infiltrated, fitted with floor to ceiling Plexiglas barriers to prevent hopping over turnstiles with armloads of merchandise. These illegals are not the innocent victims of a Hillary Clinton/Ted Kennedy/Ted Turner style oligarchy located on our southern borders. These are spineless individuals looking for and finding the easy way out. Rather than make any attempt to better their own country, they escape to the United States with their diseases, their alcoholism, their incredible fertility, their violence, ignorance and illiteracy where our government, always in need of illiterate and ignorant citizens to keep them in power welcomes them with open arms.

May 11, 2000: Oprah Causes Upchuck

Oprah catching sight of MW Wednesday night, in a vain attempt to catch of friend of Mr.Wonderful's on The Oprah Winfrey Show, I viewed this Emmy Award winning program for the first time. 20 to 30 million people, mostly women I imagine, watch "Oprah" (you know, like: Madonna, Cher, Napoleon?) pontificate and simultaneously solve all our nation's problems. I quote, "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem." Whew. What erudition. I happened to catch a rerun that contained an interview with the Giant Janet Reno and the momma's of the moronic Millionwomanmarch. Oprah, during her 'grilling' of General Reno, like you might imagine Woody Allen 'grilling' Hannibal Lechter, asked questions ranging from "Janet, are you gonna be able to take a break soon?" to "What do you do about your shaking?" Janet 'I Wanna Be a Man' RenoThe question that was not asked was how she could justify spending literally days of her own time over one child, Elian Gonzales, but yet when it came to the Waco Trial involving the claimed 'wrongful death' of eighty plus men, women and children, she insisted her time on the stand be limited to only a laughably tiny two hours? People, this administration is evil, power-hungry and dangerous. When will they come for you?

May 8, 2000: Jim J. Bullock & Typhoid Mary

Jim J. Bullock Sunday night, on the E. Entertainment Channel, Mr. & Mrs. Wonderful watched the 'life-story' of comedian Jim J. Bullock . Apparently it took until Mr.Bullock arrived in Hollywood for him to discover that he loved men. (That's the way they put it. Actually he was drafted into homosexuality by some SOB who spotted the oh-so-obvious longing for connection with his father that Jim lacked.) Be that as it may, Jim, who I think is absolutely hilarious and a wonderful person, carries the HIV virus. Jim J. Bullock had his first "true love" die from AIDS while he lived on. Un-stricken. To be considered officially affected with the AIDS syndrome, one must carry the HIV virus and any of 300 different illnesses. For example, the HIV virus plus any form of cancer equals full blown AIDS. So here, we witness Jim, a gay male (promiscuous by definition) out and about partying-down and injecting his HIV virus into any willing partner. Sandra Bullock, heterosexual ... yes. Some partners will be other males who do not have the same immune system as Mr. Bullock is blessed with. (Know that alcohol, prescription and designer drug consumption and muscle relaxant use is common place among gay males. Unfortunately these party favors also greatly increase the risk of bacterial and viral infections.) While Mr.Bullock and his many fans (including me) celebrate his own immunity, he is, never the less spraying his HIV contaminated fluids throughout the homosexual community. How many gays will Jim, in ignorance, kill because the homosexual lobby insists on ignoring any prospect of halting the transmission of the HIV versus in favor of a far away and improbable vaccine? A vaccine that, by definition, will only save those not yet infected?

May 5, 2000: Mexico Sues Arizona Vigilantes

Mexican officials are preparing to take legal action in U.S. Courts over Arizona ranchers and farmers who round up illegal aliens and turn them over to the Border Patrol for deportation. What a joke. This shows you how low the government of Mexico has fallen. Rather than making any effort at all to change Mexico into a county its own citizens would chose to live, they are busy tying up the American courts. They use claims that Arizona ranchers "violate the rights and dignity of Mexicans." Say what? How much dignity is there riding in a van, face down with sixteen sweaty, smelly compandre's stacked on top of you? These illegal aliens are criminals, they have entered our country without the permission of our government. And if our government cannot catch quite all of these sewer rats, I say let the southern Arizona ranchers round them up, at the end of a 30-30 lever-action Winchester if necessary, and return them to their own country.

May 2, 2000: Leno & Reno Attack Amway .

Monday night, May 1st, Jay Leno aired a skit involving a Reno-directed swat team's assault on a couple's home in order to present the Amway Marketing Plan.Phat Reno Even though your Mr.Wonderful has been an Amway Distributor since 1989, he found the skit hilarious. Because I realize that anyone who has not even tried the Amway system (promoted by the association I belong to) is lacking in one, usually two things. 1) Guts. and 2) Money. It is hard for me to determine who has the bigger boner for Amway, Phoenix's own Steven Speilburg or Jay Leno. Anyone who's watched the Speilburg produced Animaniacs may also note the regular affronts on Amway. I don't mind the flaccid assaults on one of the finest corporations in the U.S., that's the only way gutless individuals can get near that hard-earned 'winner's rush.' I loved the complaint, posted in the April 13, 2000 e-issue of wired-news, about the Internet based Amway company, Quixtar. I quote "... Each day Quixtar sells up to $4 million worth of everything under the sun ... " but they add, "... much of the revenue comes from pre-existing Amway customers..." True, and their point is? Cheesh. Quixtar(Amway) is one of the very, very few Internet ventures that has been profitable from day one by actually moving product. Can you imagine the writers of an article about any other Internet based company complaining about how that company became profitable in its' first month?

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