MW CE July 16th through Dec. 29th, 2002

Mr. Wonderful Explains
Current Events
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December 29th, 2002: "Hispanic's don't get Enough Media Coverage" !
The other day, while driving to work in the frosty, predawn blackness alongside dozens of illegal Mexican aliens, I about choked on my sunflower seeds when the AM radio announced that some professor, undoubtedly of Latino heritage, made the claim that Hispanics weren't getting enough media air-time. What the hell does he mean? On any news day there are numerous instances of high school student's dying because of cars being driven recklessly by the children of illegal Mexican aliens. popular Hispanic T-shirt, translates: Long Live the Race!There is the problem of 'random gunfire' every July 4th and January 1st, that has become an increasingly large concern as our population of illegal Mexican aliens has leaped upward. There is the spreading cancer of Arizona schools having one of the lowest graduation rates in the country due to our heavy population of the children of illegal aliens who refuse to learn English and the American culture and mores and drive out the children of American citizens of all races. There are the debates and endless news stories of armies of illegal Mexican aliens streaming across our borders and whether to encourage more illegal immigration by providing water and shade for these criminals. And we have the question of, since apparently our federal government is prospering from this unrestrained influx of 'cheap' illegal labor and future ignorant voters, whether it is within the boundaries of propriety for southern Arizona landowners, simply in an effort to defend their piece of the desert against this Latino locus plague, to take this Illegal Immigration Issue into their own hands via creation of armed citizen militias. Arizona is the car theft capital of the United States due to the theft rate empowered by illegal Mexican aliens simply stealing vehicles and driving them south across our border. Due to the fact that the day before illegal Mexican aliens were in the Sonoran desert wiping their ass with a bare hand and the next day they're handling hamburgers destined for the gullets of price-conscious American's, they are spreading disease from the kitchens and over the counters of many of our multi-national fast food corporations. There is the high rate of drug trafficking in Arizona which is populated by illegal Mexican aliens. There are numerous rapes and murders each month in the Valley of the Sun which can easily be tracked back to felony-minded Mexican aliens here illegally. There are home invasions hitting the news, of which, 100% are Hispanic crimes against Hispanic residents. There are the one, or two or more daily traffic accidents in which illegal Mexican aliens are witnessed dashing from the scene in their T.J. Maxx purchased Nike's. There are dozens of drownings each year of Hispanic children, due to the fact that their illegal Mexican alien mothers let them run wild in the barrio's, in our movie-houses and down the aisles of our grocery stores. But here's the rub proffesorio: our DeMedia, in an insane and senseless effort to cater to Arizona's festering, neighborhood destroying, hospital annihilating, EBT imbibing, illiterate, illegal-alien, permanently-minimum-wage-earning Hispanic population, is 'backpaging' these stories where they won't be seen by most of our USA Today trained Arizona citizens, and/or being less than truthful when reporting these stories of Hispanic happenings by not inserting the phrase, "an illegal Mexican alien", after the name of each of these participants in the above happenings is mentioned on the air.

November 28th, 2002: Thanksgiving 2002 in America !
This Thanksgiving I'm grateful that all my emails, voice-mails, web-pages and long distance phone calls can be scanned by my government, at any time and without any notice, for proper spelling and enunciation. the big eyeblack helo I'm grateful I can walk in public places and, for my own safety, be photographed and video taped, by various government and private entities. I'm glad I can feel secure from accidents because there are photo radar cameras on every intersection and a photo radar van on virtually any span of straight road. With thousands of other Constitutionally-ignorant motorist's, I'm more than happy to slog through sobriety checkpoints and I also foresee the day they will be used to snare evil cigarette smoker's, consumer's of high fat foods, and single-minded Christians and conservatives. I'm glad I can go to the airport and have my luggage searched to see if I've forgotten anything and be wanded so I can finally find that metal-backing that fell off my lapel stick-pin medal. At work, I'm glad I 'passed' Ukrainian soldiers protecting the Canyon MW being grilled and graphed! my employer's 'lie-detector' test without even having had the time to study. I'm glad that the FBI and the DPS researched my background to be certain I was qualified to stand and wave at people as they fly by in their three ton airtight automobiles and leather encrusted SUV's. I'm also thankful for the fact that my employer trusts me to show up for my urine/drug test within the allotted 24 hours, even though in my over half century of existence there is absolutely no record of any illegal drug use. I'm thankful that G.E.'s Mr. Welch is still able to receive the maximum monthly check from Social Security even though it is public knowledge he is worth well over $200 million. And that my dear friend Mr. G, with a net worth in the eight digits can still have Medicare pay for his $60,000 worth of heart surgery. I'm thankful knowing that government helicopters with 1500 power camera lenses and infrared devices can focus in on me and mine at any time of the day or night. And fudgesausage peopleI'm happier than an eight-leggéd dog that due to actions by the Clinton administration, United Nations soldiers can be flown into Arizona in order to protect the Grand Canyon from me and other Arizonan's. In an effort to keep my colors bright and rich, I'm thankful my government is so concerned, that they make it impossible for me to use warm or hot water to rinse my clothes, even though I have the government promoted, zero energy consumption solar hot water heater. I'm grateful that our government schools pass out condoms and by doing so have drastically lowered the rate of STD's and teenage pregnancy. (The rates have been going down since the 1960s, haven't they?) Speaking of our public schools, I'm also thankful that they are focusing more and more on Amnesty International's fight with Sheriff Joe and the very important issue of homophobia and less on how great America was and is. I'm happy the schools are teaching from history books re-written to fit the correct liberal big-government viewpoint rather than uninteresting historical fact. Facts that, for the most part, claim that America was built by God-fearing evil Caucasian, and sometimes slave owning, white men. And I think it's good that the reading of great literature has been set aside in favor of reading from books written based on the sex or race or political vogue-ness of their author. I'm thankful that everywhere I look, the races are being separated out and the silly notion of just being an "American" (and proud of it) is being shelved. Yes, on this second Thanksgiving of the new millennium I have a lot to be thankful for all the things my government hasn't regulated, or confiscated or totally debased or erased . . . yet.

November 18th, 2002: Medicare Prescription Coverage Exposed !
The other day at work, as my coworker stepped in the door after de-planing from his brand new convertible two-seater, began his whining with, "If my prescriptions get any more expensive, I'll have to sell my car to afford them." Understand that he is on Medicare which supplies no prescription coverage. I matter of factly replied that, "If the prescription Medicare coverage bill is passed, it'll be okay, because then I'll be paying for your medicines!" Understand that your Mr.Wonderful currently has no health insurance, group or otherwise, hence I need to purchase no prescriptions because I can't afford any of the required doctor visits. And to top that off, I'm driving the Suburban-Assault-Vehicle that has 186,554 miles on the odometer propelled by an 5.7 liter V8 that leaks more than a 1963 BSA motorcycle and sporting a paint job so faded that I have to hang a "This is not an abandoned vehicle" sign on it when I park in Scottsdale's tony Troon neighborhoods. Furthermore, since the Fed's and local governments have so defiled our public school system (that is now entirely geared to promote the "Animal Farm"-like liberal agenda, homosexuality, Amnesty International, the 'fact' that FDR was the greatest president ever and that Christianity is a curse on education and personal freedoms) I have chosen to enroll my beloved teenager in a private Christian school to the tune of a subsidized $600 a month. You see readers, even though I'm doing everything I can to earn and keep an honest buck, including logging over 35 hours of overtime in a single week, barely making house payments, the BOB gummer lagging a month late on most other bills, my fellow worker, while not living the life of Riley, but certainly driving a much newer vehicle than me, would benefit from any Medicare prescription drug coverage due to the taxes paid by millions of us who are not yet in our sixties. Think of it, why should someone, simply because they have reached the not so old age of sixty-five, be entitled to having younger taxpayer's pick up the tab for their medicines? Medicines that many need because they and they alone, ignoring the non-stop public health campaigns waged by both private and public concerns, have destroyed their bodies over the prior six decades? And, can you even imagine, for those without health insurance, what is going to happen to the price of prescriptions when millions of gomer's ("get out of my emergency room") are seen clutching wads of prescription writs and dropping them on the smooth white counters of the local Osco or Walgreen's facing a co-pay of only $20 or $40? For those of you unfamiliar with the law of supply and demand - which has made this country the economic powerhouse it is (as long as the government stays the hell out!) - I can tell you that the cost of prescription drugs will necessarily rocket through the roof like a Clinton member at the sight of a thong. This is because of two factors: Number one, no longer facing monthly costs of $80 to $240 tabs for their tabs, there will be a huge demand for prescribed drugs of all colors, flavors, and brands, whether efficacious or not, by our newly franchised seasoned citizens and their Mercedes driving doctors and Number two, the pharmacies and drug companies will make up whatever profits they 'forgo' (hah!) to meet Medicare price levels, by totally reaming anyone not on Medicare or without health insurance.

October 26th, 2002: Watch as the DeMedia Covers for Islamic Killer!
John Allen Muhammad, a k a John Allen Williams, a Black man, has been nabbed as most likely the "D.C.-Area Sniper." Two things you won't hear mentioned much on the air are that he is a Black man (which only goes to prove Blacks and probably individuals of any race can be serial-killers, removing the carefully cultivated media portrayal that only the 'evil-White-Caucasian' could perpetrate such heinous serial crimes) and that he is a convert to Islam. Now of course, I have got to believe that Mr. Muhammad's being a Muslim has nothing to do with his rampage. But I can guarantee you that the DeMedia is not mentioning that very obvious fact (as if the name Muhammad isn't enough to indicate this man's beliefs) because they only have vendettas against Whites, Christians, and Jews. Folks this is the way EVIL (pronounced 'eeeveel') as in Satan, operates. What would have happened if this suspect was a Bible-beating Christian? Or a Methodist preacher? Or a Jewish rabbi? John Allen Muhammad, third from left You can bet your box of .223 shell casings that his name would not be simply stated as, "John Allen Muhammad", but would be "Southern Baptist! John Allen Muhammad," or "Jewish rabbi! John Allen Muhammad." You know it would. I bet as I type this, in order to avoid upsetting Muslim's, the DeMedia is trying to determine a way they can call this murderer by his given name of John Allen Williams. Oh yeah, and don't forget about this trucker who did what you or I or our father or our mother or our son or our daughter would have done and is now being hailed as our latest 'hero' by the lame-brained media. Hell, he did what ANYONE would have done! Well, anyone but that disturbed person, the erudite, G. Gordon Liddy. This man phoned in a suspicious vehicle report to the authorities. Now, his pledge to give his reward money of tens of thousands of dollars to the victims of this crime, is indeed something I imagine few of us would contemplate. I can tell you right now, I wouldn't do that and I would rationalize (and I would be correct, as always) that the vast majority of the deceased probably had large term life insurance policies on themselves (and if they did not they were stupid not to) and that more money, 'my money,' could not help. But this gentleman, if he indeed does do this after the year or so wait causes interest in his promise to fade, does still donate the money to the families and living victims of this crime, would present an outstanding example of GOOD working in this currently currency crazy country.

October 24th, 2002: 'D.C. Sniper Picks off Lazy Reporters !
Like shooting ducks in an Arizona State Fair carney sideshow (talk about a dangerous place!) the so-called 'D.C. Sniper' has attracted the rapt attention of the American mass media. A mass media driven by presenting sensational stories in order to score the all important ratings, so an absolute air-head like the (formerly cute) Katie Couric can reap millions of dollars per year vomiting pure gibberish onto the increasingly gullible and knowledge-less American viewer. The Media, by publicizing everything that happens in regard to this sniper, are doing exactly what the spineless little bastard puke wants. He wants national and international publicity and these morons in the mass media are more than willing to comply - INSURING HE WILL CONTINUE TO KILL. Insuring he will continue to kill. How sad is it that your media paycheck as a talking head is partly based on the fact that the killing must continue? If there was actually a moral code for journalists . . . I'll pause as you pick up your saliva covered gum wad that just flew by your lips . . . If there was indeed a moral code among journalists, every major media outlet would unilaterally impose a black out on every single suspected and real sniper shooting until the day this worm-person was caught. These media people have got to realize that their publicity, as much as they claim it somehow helps, also extends this long distance killing spree. It is tragic how any ransom pay-off is absolutely out of the question because, "How many others would follow in his footsteps?" But ignored with a 'wink-wink,' 'nod-nod', is the fact that the media has already provided a much larger payday than any millions of dollars could ever purchase. AND another thing that saddens me is the reactions of many of the millions within the possible scope of this sniper. Howard Beale (R.I.P.) the first to die for ratings Even though the chance of actually getting shot and killed is far less than Janet Reno being found with Clint Eastwood squirreled away together at California's exclusive Bel Aire Hotel, many Virginia's are dodging, sneaking and zig-zagging from Starbuck's to Starbuck's as if they were anticipating the Mongol hordes of Genghis Khan to come clattering down the boulevard! I can understand being concerned about 'the children' who haven't yet had the chance to experience the last quaff from the soon-to-disappear American Experiment, but those over twenty five should show some damned spunk. Keerist! Keep you eyes open, buy a pair of binoculars and actively search for this punk, rather than wail, "Please at least leave us alone in our living room. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel belted radials and I won't say anything, just leave us alone."

October 11th, 2002: Hugh Downs Apologizes for U.S. for US !

( Sorry I've been away for so long. The wife has been back from her temporary job
in California this week and leaves for her permanent job in Texas next week

Mush-mouthed multi-millionaire Carefree, Arizona resident and long time television commentator, the retired Hugh Downs, like a true liberal (who has reaped his millions of dollars and old-age security from his centuries of hard work in these United States) now has the time to apologize to the world for us. Big Cup of STFU! Thank gawd! Hugh, who as it comes as no surprise, does not agree with the views of Phoenix ensconsed commentator, Paul Harvey, is out pushing his latest book, something about what 150 individuals think of America. During a radio interview yesterday afternoon on 1310 KXAM, listened to as your Mr.Wonderful was chugging over to his nearest Checker Auto to purchase five maroon colored bottles of 10/50 Vavoline® and a filter, so I could change the oil on my 108,000 mile pushing blue Mercury, Hugh was blowing the wealthy liberal wail about ". . . Europeans thinking a lot about something that rarely crosses an American's mind." Can you ponder on which piece of liberal drivel Mr. Downs is soon to urp up? It's the refrain about how American's comprise such a small percentage of the population of the peoples of the Earth, but yet ". . . we consume 25% of its resources." Bwaaa, bwaaa, bwaaa. Oh effing boo-hoo bud! Guess what? Every other political entity on this planet can and does do whatever, WHATEVER, they please, from selling Black slaves in the Sudan to forcing abortion on Chinese mothers to laughing at our Victorian morals as we impeach a President for having oral sex in the Oval Office. Every other nation does whatever they please, except succeed economically, because this would require their left-leaning (or Communist, or fascist) leaders and elites to forfeit their power to their fellow citizens. So what do they do instead? They point the finger at the United States of America! And spineless liberals (is that redundant?) like Mr.Downs, who would not be enjoying 1/200th of the success he's had if he lived in any other country on this orb, joins them! Bullshit! Remember this my foreign cousins, if it weren't for us evil and selfish Americans you'd all be speaking either German or Russian or Japanese.

October 2nd, 2002: Fast Blasts From MW's er, uh, Face
(Sorry I've been away for so long. All the work I put into my 2002 Arizona Proposition Site has cut into the time I usually spend on my Current Events and Politics Sites.)

1) I'm glad to report that the DeMedia is still evidencing their trademark biased reporting. Two examples: We heard about how President Bush's dinner raised $700,000 (or was it one million?) and how the 'chicken dinner' cost $700 per plate. We also heard how Barbra Streisand came out of her fourth retirement to raise $6,000,000 for the Dems. However, did we hear how much the tickets were to sit and listen to this diva sing through her ample nose? No. Point number two: When Bush recently visited the blesséd Phoenix, Arizona, all we heard about was the protestors, the protestors and the $700 chicken dinner. When the criminal Clinton's visited Tucson, Arizona a few years back, any mention of the hundreds and hundreds of protestors present was just forgotten.

2) As my reader's know, my no-maintenance Kinetico whole-house water conditioner broke down the other day. And now, the Wonderful household is getting uncut City of Phoenix water, which is being advertised as 'cleaner' than bottled water. That must be because the chlorine concentration is many times higher than my swimming pool. Whew! Damn, when I stand over my toilet to drain my radiator, I wear a pair of my old motorcycle goggles so as not to have my eyebrows melted off. However, it is beneficial that my too long and too numerous nose hairs are trimmed back by the chlorine fumes floating up from the bubbling ivory throne.

3) Am I the only one who imagines that the 'Janet Napolitano for Governor,' signs (the ones with the Arizona State Flag spread out like a rainbow) were purposely designed to emulate the homosexual-rights rainbow logo and also slyly indicate that Ms. Janet is a homosexual?

4) I just completed reading the classic tome, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters: An Overview of the New Physics" by Gary Zukav. This book (with the "Wu Li" being pronounced "Woolie") first published in 1979, has fairly easy to understand explanations of Quantum Physics. Although, throughout his writings, the author (shown on the back cover with the typical "Eastern Mystic's" way-too-wide, way-too-happy believer's smile) is pushing Buddhism harder than Mayor Rimsza is pushing for light-rail, overall it's a pretty good book that brings very complicated ideas involving traditional physics and quantum physics down to the level us, hateful, racist, lazy, and illiterate Christians can almost comprehend.

September 18th, 2002: Capital One Cons the Common Man
COcc Today I mailed my final payment and cancellation request to the issuer of my Visa card, Capital One Services. Capital One makes it as hard as possible to pay them on time and I believe it's by design. In print the size only a tick could make out, they explain that credit card holders should expect them to take at least five days to receive and post their payment. This from a company that the Wall Street Journal quotes as touting their technology. They do this on purpose knowing that virtually all other credit issuing companies typically post payments within three days of their being mailed. They do this because they know, that out of habit, most of their "sub-prime" customers, who are sweating from payday to payday, will forget Capital One's five day window and instead mail their check assuming the usual and customary three day window. And of course when the payment is deemed 'late' the good folks at Capital One gleefully tack on a $25 late fee to their next statement. I'd bet this deviously engineered policy to squeeze late charges from the millions of hourly-paid customers that Capital One covets adds a large percentage to the bottom line of this blood sucking corporation. president of capital one corporation However, reading in the WSJ that most legit credit card companies would forgive a single late payment, I phoned Capital One and after remaining silent for what seemed to be about two minutes following the customer rep telling me that my payment was late, received a $25.00 credit. Of course these bastards make it even harder to pay on time, because if you are a slow-pay customer they do not allow you to establish an account on their webpage. An account which would speed up the time payments are posted by about three or four days. (I owe Discover a hell of a lot more money than Capital One, and after they reduced my credit limit to zero, I still was able to set up an internet account to pay my $34.00 minimum payment on time . . . for the next 22 years.) Oh, and get this, if you want to cancel your account, on the back side of their statement in tick-font #6, you might be able to read under section "8) If you close your account ..." Of course they state all the usual stuff, like returning your cards and paying your account in full but then they warn that you must, " . . . cancel all pre-authorized billing arrangements . . . " Because if you don't, rather than bouncing it back to the vendor as refused, Capital One, in the hopes of hitting you up for yet another $25 late fee, will add the pre-authorized charges to the statement of the card you thought you cancelled.

August 27, 2002: A Talk Radio Fixture Falls
KFYI 910AM logo daysUpdate: February 26th, 2004 - Bob Mohan found.
Since I usually get off work at 1400, 2:00PM for you civilians, I've been snapping on the radio in the 2PM to 3PM KFYI slot that 16 year veteran, Bob Mohan has until recently occupied. And lately, upon hearing someone else, I would just push in my rented Talking Book World tape to drown this unwanted interloper out of my thirty minute drive home. Finally, reading in Ken LaFave's August 24, 2002 column in the Arizona Republic, I discover that Mohan's contract was up in September of 2002 and the megalith that is Clear Channel Communications, owner of KFYI since the 'Beer Baron' sold it a while back, just "opted not to renew" Bob's employment. I'd always liked Mohan, although I lost a little respect for him when he admitted he voted for Perot for President. I lost respect because Perot was promising lower taxes and increased government services, two actions that are mutually exclusive. And I believe anyone who was not astute enough to see that, like Mohan, was pretty much a fool when it came to choosing a President. And then I'm sure that Bob did not approve of KFYI/Clear Channel advertising these million dollar contests as if local listeners were the only players, when in actuality every listener to the 200+ radio stations, that are the audio wing of Clear Channel Communications, were also burning up the phone lines. Of course, "Blow out the Phones" was my favorite Friday program of Bob's. And he's right, people have tried to imitate it across the Valley and the country and they suck at it. Hopefully, Bob will end up at another Valley radio station that has enough wattage to carry his rants up to the Troon North area where your Mr.Wonderful is currently ensconsed. I'm so naive. I should have realized that something was up between Bob & the devious management of KFYI when he was limited to 44 minutes per day. Duh.

Cubans looking for 57 Chevy's to repair in front of a Colorado McDonalds August 21, 2002: Milius Predicted T.T.T. in 1984 !
John Milius, screenwriter of such movies as Magnum Force, Apocalypse Now, and that movie the Wonderful household just can't get enough of, Conan the Barbarian, wrote in his 1984 screenplay, Red Dawn, of terrorists crashing hijacked airliners into the tallest buildings on the East Coast. Ms. Wonderful mentioned this to me when the other night as she was watching Red Dawn, her mouth hung open as the fighter pilot near the end of the movie explains how the Cuban invasion of America began. Didn't know that Red Dawn had been subtitled in Farsi ...

August 15, 2002: " Wells Closer Bank® Reams MW with 3" Diameter Fees! "
With the Mrs. Wonderful unemployed since November of 2001 and myself at an hourly job (while plans are percolating that will eventually generate us millions, yes, millions of dollars) I suddenly am acutely of the incredible charges that credit card companies, banks and stores are creaming me with. My weekly paycheck, if you can call it that, after having been riddled by federal and state taxes, Medicare and FICA taxes, dental insurance (can't afford the HMO offered-thank you Congress!) and death insurance, has been automatically deposited with the same branch of the Wells Closer Bank® on Friday's for over a year now. Get this, I wrote a check for $6.57, it hit the bank on Thursday, less than 24 hours away from my automatic deposit, with the result that my balance rolled over to a negative $1.97. (Whew! How could any bank handle an exposure that large?) I know this because I saw it happen on my computer screen which, via the internet and a 300 baud modem, is tied directly into my bank account. Normally, the bank would have charged me $31 and paid the check. However, this time, they returned the check and hit me with a $29 'returned check fee.' So now I can look forward to paying an additional $25 when the store hits me up for their bounced check fee for a total of $54 because my account was short by a piddling $1.97! Yes, I'm always harping about personal responsibility, but to fork over fifty four dollars because I was short $1.97 is about the same as getting your right foot chopped off for driving 16MPH in a school zone.moola, moola, mmmmmmm Understand that my banking institution, whose service charges would make a pre-Christmas Carol Ebeneezer Scrooge glow crimson like Ted Kennedy at an Irish wake, billed me $29, to, in effect loan out $1.97 for 24 hours. (Okay, they returned the check this time, but let's imagine instead that they paid it and charged me their prostate ache inducing 'overdraft fee' of $31.) The $31 would basically be the interest for twenty four hours on a loan amount of $1.97. Since I forgot how to figure simple interest rates, I know it would be in the thousands of percentages, but the bank, in billing me $31 to borrow $1.97 for less than 24 hours, would be the equivalent of them charging me $11,315 on an annual basis to borrow less than two bucks! Keerist! There ought to be a law. Especially since banks are the biggest check bouncers in town. (Consider, what do you call it when they write out checks (loans) for up to ten times more dollars than they have on deposit?) Also, consider this before you begin defending the bank. I've been doing business with this outfit for over ten years beginning with a deposit of $85,000 (in today's dollars $170,000.) I've lived at the same address, 1.3 miles from the bank for 23 years, long before the bank was built and at a time when many of its current employees were little more than ovums crowded into their mommies ovaries. And, to top it off, I'm a lifelong native of the Scottsdale/Phoenix area. Oh, I know what it is. It's the fact that while tens of thousands of my neighbors have declared bankruptcy, I never have. That must be it.

July 17th, 2002: Mr.Wonderful Fails Urine Test !
Yesterday, from most individuals I heard that I was getting way too upset over a simple urine test. What question do you imagine that one of these individuals finally and fearfully asked of me? It was the question Hitler, Stalin and all the 20th and 21st century tyrants just loved to put forth: "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear." red urine. Too many beets? Implying, in my own case, "If you're not taking illegal drugs, why do you care?" Well, if I need to convince you that being forced to urinate on command, like a trained chicken into a cup isn't a violation of personal privacy then . . . Imagine this, what if they demanded a test of your fecal material grunted out by you on site? Would you consider that a violation of your personal privacy? Or would you just squat, swipe and smile? Do you imagine for a minute that Benjamin Franklin, George Washington or Patrick Henry would submit to such humiliation? One well made movie that really demonstrated just how far the governmental/industrial complex could intrude into all of our lives was the 'R' rated movie Gattaca. Rent it, watch it, and gain wisdom from it. And get angry. But now, back to the failed urine test. Number one, I don't think I was given enough time to study for the test. (For you public school brats, that was a joke.) I really didn't fail, fail the urine test. It was just that my urine was "too diluted." I was actually waiting for management to instruct me as to exactly how much water I could drink while I facing the 105 degree 'monsoon' dampened Arizona summer. Just to get some color in my urine this time, so it wouldn't be "too diluted" (once again talk about an invasion of privacy! an effing urine test determining what 100% legal liquid I was going to hydrate the insides of my spring steel body with) I gulped down a syrupy 24 ounces of non-diet Pepsi late in my shift. This afternoon, the female tech, whose uniform tag displayed only her first name and last initial (I guess it would be an invasion of her privacy to reveal her last name, considering she's only seen my photo ID, my address, my age, my phone number, my Social Security number and my urine) and I, while examining my still foaming urine (talk about an invasion of my privacy) both agreed that it looked darker than yesterday. When was the last time you stood around discussing the products of your bladder with a complete stranger? Only time will tell if my urine is or isn't "too diluted." Sigh. However, I am left with the unanswered question. "If my urine test yesterday was considered 'random' would my urine test today also be considered 'random?'"

July 16th, 2002: Dammit! Doesn't it Make you Fighting Mad ?!
Today I was drawn for my third random drug test in my less than one year of employment as a security officer. I'm old enough to recall when only felons on parole faced this form of humiliation. In my 1980s era naíveté I thought the lie detector test and the FBI background check would have been sufficient. Oh yes, we hear all the good reasons: the liability, the insurance companies, the lawyers. One of six beakers I filled It's all bullshit and it really, really, pisses me off to be treated like a "Minority Report" pre-felon. But apparently, the majority of my fellow Americans have been so cowed into submission, that when faced with the termination of employment versus the act of giving 98.6 degree foaming golden urine to minimum wage white robed strangers, without any assurance of anonymity, and the required listing out of all the drugs both prescription (how do you like that Viagra users?) and non-prescription, ingested in the prior month, engenders no visible anger or outrage in them. You all will be perfect citizens for the only slightly postponed society of George Orwell's 1984. (Sure, I took the test. But you can be assured that anyone and everyone within shouting range from the minute I left work to and through the time of my test and for one hour after knew exactly how violated I felt about it.) When I was an employer, I had little difficulty determining which of my hires were abusing drugs. (I'll never forget the time I spotted an employee snorting coke while in her non-air-conditioned vehicle parked in the 110 degree Arizona sun.) The signs of drug abuse are quite obvious, especially if one was involved in FDA sanctioned (I think) drug testing in the 1960s like I was. But here is what kills me, and at least 55,000 other Americans each year. Alcohol. The tests typically do not filter out people who are dependent on the legal drug alcohol. I was watching the History Channel today and it was very much suggested that this particular captain, who happened to be the cause of the largest civilian maritime disaster in history, was a drunk. However, even if this gentlemen had been subjected to random drug testing his abuse would not have been detected and the Titanic would have still been on course to meet its April 15th destiny 'on the rocks.' I don't care what the laws say, random drug tests on individuals who are not suspected and do not show any indications of illegal drug use (unlike pro-baseball players sporting Jay Leno sized chins with faces as beet-red as Teddy Kennedy's and having tits any teenage girl would be proud of) are a violation of every American citizens right to privacy. After all, what could be a bigger violation of my privacy than demanding my bodily fluids? I think it's quite enough that my employer harvests my blood, sweat and tears.