MW Current Events Sept.13th through Nov.24th, 2001

Mr. Wonderful Explains
Current Events
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November 24th, 2001: Lighting My Path ...
It's things like this that cause me to believe that God is watching over Mr. Wonderful. As some of my loyal readers are aware, MW is currently employed in possibly the most humbling position a former millionaire could assume. Perceived as being 'higher' on the social scale than a fast food employee, bugman, cess pool drainer, roofer, asphalt worker, lawn care specialist, correction officer and any lawyer, but 'below' prit-ne'r everyone else . . . yes, I'm a security guard. The other day, as I'm starching and ironing my car-cover-sized XXL work shirt, I took a break to trundle my massive being into the kitchen where, while creaking the oak flooring, I heard my 'psychic twin', Rush Limbaugh, spewing from the AM radio my Bulldog insists on listening to. The show was a rerun "Best of Rush," probably because it was Thanksgiving Day, and he was remembering a security guard he observed years ago when he was on his "Rush to Excellence Tour." Rusty was recalling how that security guard was so proud of what he did and how he was determined to be the best security guard he could possibly be. Tell me God's not talking to me! What are the chances that Rush Limbaugh, the most listened to radio talkshow host in America (regardless of what the foul mouthed Howard Stern says) would be talking about security guards? In my experience, many security guards I've encountered are about the last people you would want to depend on for any kind of security. MW Security Officer! As a matter of fact, I have a classification system for security officers: 1) Those waiting to die, 2) Those waiting for a better job and 3) Those whose two digit IQ's limits them to being a security guard forever. It was absolutely hilarious when, during our life-saving security guard mandatory training session, the instructor slipped in a video tape to show us a clip of that classic security guard movie, Armed and Dangerous, starring John Candy. (Of course, since here in Arizona we are all run through an FBI background check the chances of any of us being an ex-con is slim to none.) But, as I viewed the film's security guard classroom scene from the scene of my security guard classroom and listed as our instructor cruelly proclaimed, "This is what the public thinks of security guards . .. . " I surreptitiously let my hazel pupils gaze around the room to observe my fellow pupils and involuntarily answered to myself, ". . . and they are right!" However, I also am determined to be the best security guard I can be, while being fully aware that it is indeed a shit-job and at the same time reciting to every young skull-full-of-tofu who passes by my guard shack to, "Go to college and get a degree or you'll end up doing this!" I recall one of the visiting tutors pulling up to my guard house the other evening. Who then, with a smile verging on a smirk, informed me that since I had made that statement to his teenaged scholars, his tutoring had instantly become 100% easier. I signed up on July 31st of 2001 for a guard-post, that at full staffing, should have ten employees. In the barely four months I've been there (which includes nine weeks without one single day off, or a "thank you" or a "good job" from management or any officer of the governing homeowner's association) nine employees have either quit or been fired. Go figure. You'd think I'd at least have seniority. But noooooo! Understand, that the senior positions continue to be occupied by a #1 and a #3. Cheesh!.

November 5th, 2001: Do Gooder Doctors are Dodos !
Again and again this morning I listened as the radio announcer reported some group of pediatricians insisting that children under two, when traveling via commercial airliners, be assigned their own place and then be strapped into a child safety seat. This is in stark opposition to the current practice of letting the child ride in the lap of an adult. These doctors apparently assume that everyone in America reaps the (government subsidized) six digit incomes like they do. The main reason that many adults are even able to afford to fly the friendly skies with an infant is because they are not forced to pay for another full fare seat. Under this Utopian proposal by these physicians, faced with a doubling in the cost of their flying, many of these same parents will chose to travel to their destinations in the mode of transportation that is the biggest killer of all U.S. children under the age of fourteen. The American automobile. By the way, from 1989 through the year 2000, three children under the age of two have died in airline mishaps. If this draconian plan is perfectly implemented, a mere 27 children's lives might possibly be saved over the span of the next one hundred years. Twenty seven children's lives possibly saved, while millions of travelers are inconvenienced for decades, pay significantly higher ticket prices and billions of dollars are wasted by the strapped airline industry in complying with this asinine proposal. (Here in Arizona almost twenty seven children drown during each and every one of our five month summers.) It seems to me that these pediatricians might concentrate on something a little closer to home. Something they themselves could affect. I wonder how many children have died over the past eleven years (1989 to 2000) due to prescription errors made by pediatric doctors? I'd wager the number is far larger than three, eh?
November 3rd, 2001: Yankee's Nominated for Sainthood in 22 Religions
Watching the 2001 World Series and listening to the broadcasters from Fox, one would think that this year's New York Yankee's should simply be awarded the trophy without even bothering to play the seven games. Listening to these sports reporters I'm amazed that the Arizona Diamondback's have gotten one single hit, much less 15 RUNS IN ONE GAME. You effing bastards. These announcers are supposed to, without bias, simply provide a pitch by pitch, play by play description of the game. But instead these die-hard Yankee fans at Fox television just continue to harken back to the 'greatness' of the Yankee's. Who gives a shit!? The year is 2001. It is the century old east coast Yankee's vs. the four year old Arizona Diamondback's and that is that. I've had to turn off the sound on my television set, turn up the sound on my radio tuned to the Phoenix-based AM 620, just to get an unbiased baseball fan's narrative of the game. An accurate, balanced, honest description of the game. How sad is that? But understand, this is not simply a 'Yankee's' thing. This is another case of East Coast hubris. Sadly, being our federal government is located on the East Coast, the WTC disaster was also an example of East Coast hubris. That somehow, someway, for no logical reasons, anything East Coast is bigger, badder, better and more impervious to injury or defeat than any other part of this country or the world, for that matter. This is simply not true. But these salt-water addled Eastern Seaboard sycophants will continue to believe in their own grandeur, until, that is, ironically, they relocate to Arizona.
October 30th, 2001: Dot-coms Attracted Dot-idiots !
Ever ponder where the billions of investor dollars vanished into the fiscal black-hole that was the Dot-com.munity? In the October 28th, 2001 issue of the San Francisco Chronicle, Kathleen Pender details the winding down of the failed Webvan, a Dot-com that focused on grocery delivery. But first, let me discuss the dumb ass attitudes and perceptions that prompted individual American investors (who basically are morons about most anything, other than professional sports and calories) and the professional stock sellers who, one would think, should have known better. At the time of the Dot-com Crash I don't believe there was a single Dot-com corporation that had ever delivered one verifiable profit dollar. Oh, of course many presented 'pro-forma' statements that proved their profitability, but the sophisticated stock pushers on Wall Street surely realized that these proofs of profitability were nothing more than lies designed to 1) Lure even more individual investors into purchasing stock and 2) And provide a paper cover for stock brokers to justify their actions should they ever need to. How could anyone, ANYONE, actually believe that by simply putting an existing product or service onto the World Wide Web would instantly result in riches being showered down upon its investors? Your Mr. Wonderful, having run a highly profitable small business for fifteen years, immediately decided that the Internet, the World Wide Web and the entire Dot-com genre was simply just another avenue for consumers to purchase existing goods and services and for businesses to advertise and collect orders. One could easily see that every single one of these Dot-coms simply morphed 'business as usual' into the HTML of Cyberspace and doing so, then attracted millions and millions of dollars without ever being asked to demonstrate or prove a viable, profitable business model! HermanMiller Aeron chair. Click to visit HermanMillerHow could this have happened? How could college educated professional investors, advisors and very bright and wealthy individuals be suckered into such a scam? Because our institutes of higher learning, at $250 per credit hour, are teaching crap, while fundamental, basic and obvious lessons, like how to read a Profit and Loss statement, are being entirely ignored. And because most American's still are the absolut-est, greediest dupes when it comes to any get rich quick scheme. Lets look at what Webvan did with their millions of investor dollars: bought ping pong tables, Sub-Zero® refrigerators, heavy duty treadmills, Precor® elliptical stair climbers, weight machines, exercise bikes and hundreds of $1,200 Aeron Herman Miller® chairs all purchased solely for employee retention and comfort. While to actually run the business they purchased dozens of $65,000 delivery vehicles, 58 Sun® 4500 servers at $250,000 each and other business equipment that added hundreds of millions of dollars in expenses. Most of these expenses, unknown, unneeded, or downright unaffordable by the traditional established enterprises Webvan was competing against. Without instantly massive sales and massive profit margins how could Webvan have ever appeared to be a viable investment?
October 27th, 2001: Chemical Warfare Roundup.
My thanks to the Taipei Times Online for most of the information I'm sharing with you today. (Yes of course, your Mr.Wonderful is fluent in Mandarin Chinese.) Here are the chemical weapons that are likely to be unleashed on civilian populations by those Cowards of Islam, the Boys of Bin Laden. "Botulinum toxin is the most poisonous substance known" reports the Taipei Times. It is simple to manufacture and it is estimated to kill about 6% of those infected with all survivors would putting a severe strain on any health services. The toxin is dangerous when eaten, but not too dangerous when inhaled. Pneumonic plague has no vaccine, however there are effective antibiotics available.Middle Eastern virus filters The pneumonic plague, familiar to visitors of the Dark Ages in Europe, if used by terrorists would be put into an aerosol form to be inhaled, but the germ has a short life span possibly limiting its effectiveness and consideration as a weapon of terror. In civilized nations the death rate is less than 1%, in third world countries such as Iraq and Iran, the death rates would be well over 50%. Smallpox is the most dangerous biological weapon. Smallpox has no validated treatment and could be released in an aerosol form to ravage a population without detection until it is too late. Smallpox is highly contagious, and once unleashed on citizens they would then unwittingly spread it to everyone they come in contact with. About 30% of the people infected (in a industrialized nation) would eventually die.The fatalities would be much, much higher, say in Afghanistan. The only known stores of smallpox virus are in the Russian Siberia and at the United States CDC. Analysts doubt that terrorists have any smallpox, since the disease, once unleashed would eventually find its way back to the country of origin killing thousands or millions there. If you are wondering why we are no longer being vaccinated for smallpox, it is because the disease was (after decades of world-wide efforts) considered to be wiped from the face of the Earth. And also the vaccine itself carries the attorney-wallet-filling risk of brain swelling, among other complications. The tularemia bacterium is extremely infectious, however, it cannot be spread by person to person contact. Terrorist cowards would dispense it into the air to be inhaled by innocent men, women, and children. It is treatable with common antibiotics, however, those left untreated could easily die. Ebola, Marburg and Lassa are forms of hemorrhagic fever and contain viruses so infectious that the terrorists themselves would probably be infected and die before they could release them. Unlike, in the movie "Outbreak," there is no cure, no treatment and the only means by which hemorrhagic fever outbreaks end is when there is no longer anyone alive to be infected. With today's column, I hope I've brightened your day. More information October 21st, 2001: Pacifist Post Makes Me Puke !
Just yesterday on our Clear Channel AM talk radio show there appeared a lawyer, Dianne Post, urping up her pacifist dribble. Instead of military action against terrorist nations and their national sponsors, she wants to go to the P-DemonstrationU.N. or World Court, both staunchly anti-American affairs, to settle our 'differences'. Understand, in lawyer-lingo, 6,000 dead human beings, by the hand of Osama bin Laden is merely a 'difference.' A simple misunderstanding that can be settled by the arguing for decades by divisions of $300 per hour litigators. Listening to her babble, her voice pinched by the 'one size fits all' Depends® she wore, one would think we brought all these deaths on ourselves. Of course the vast majority of our actions were in the realm of diplomacy and economics, while all of the Muslim terrorists responses were blatant acts of war, but that doesn't seem to bother this barrister. When asked had a nuclear bomb been unleashed on New York City rather than two 757's she refused to give a straight answer on whether then it would be proper for the United States to retaliate militarily. It seems, after the African bombings by bin Laden, which killed hundreds and injured thousands, and the Osama attempt to sink the U.S.S. Cole, which cost 17 lives and one billion dollars of taxpayer's money, and the WTC tragedy, this bitch is still up to the task of taking these cowardly, American-hating, scrotum-scums to court! To a 'World Court' where, since death sentences awarded to individuals who have been convicted of themselves sentencing thousands of innocent men, women and children to death is considered uncivilized, would merely be remanded to spend the remainder of their lives behind bars. October 5th, 2001: Chickens Flying the Flag !
Here in America's Southwest, I can't help chuckling as I witness a myriad of dilapidated vehicles, clearly indicative of undocumented-worker's ownership, flying the Stars and Stripes from antennas and sporting barely visible U.S. flags from behind poorly tinted windows. It's doubly funny as the rickety cars and trucks, spouting fumes reminiscent of the 1950s, pass within ear-shot to hear the dj's machine gun delivery and the tinny and usually accordion-accompanied music being broadcast from one of our local Spanish-only radio channels blasting from the vehicles. I think to myself,chicken "Right! Like a Mexican National, in the United States illegally, is going to actually do something to affect our battle on terrorism!" But then, I quickly realize that these unindicted criminals are doing just about as much as most citizens. Because while many American's proudly swagger into the nearest Ace Hardware, after carefully checking the parking lot for any loitering Middle-Eastern looking types, to buy and fly the biggest U.S. flag left, they then turn and scurry away to their darkened homes to watch DVD's and dose-up on today's terrorism-news updates. They stay away from the malls, the stadiums, the airports, the Disney-homo parks and the cruise lines. Why? Because they are afraid of their own lives ending in an act of terrorism. Granted, some of these Americans, are indeed sincerely and justly concerned for their own young children. I cannot fault these parents in their fears of what might happen to their offspring should they themselves perish. But, so many Americans are demonstrating that terrorism has achieved its goal, and are hiding in fear and wetting themselves. (I understand sales of Depends® adult diapers have tripled.) Why? These Americans are petrified of facing the obligatory End of Life one micro-second too early. The end of their life. And the reason they are frozen in their vibrating Lazyboy® recliner's is because they have lost touch with the Christian faith that has allowed the average citizens of this country to enjoy bounty untasted by Solomon, the Pharaoh's, or all the Dynasties of China. For these sad and shaken Americans the end of life on this Earth is the end of existence for eternity. For those of us who know the end of this life is the beginning of an eternal life with our Creator, and are finished with the unsure and arduous enterprise of raising our progeny, we welcome the opportunity to stand upright, stare the enemy in the eye and resolutely announce our 21st Century battle-cry of "Let's roll!" September 30th, 2001: Flags on the Funeral Pyre
Flag raising on Mt.SuribachiI just didn't feel right about seeing Old Glory flying on top of the mountain of metal, steel, glass and human rubble that was the World Trade Center. Likened by the television 'talking heads' to raising the flag on Iwo Jima (when on February 23, 1945, our brave World War Two Marines conquered Mount Suribachi) my stomach turned. Because, once again, history itself had been turned and our language and perceptions had been asked to be twisted into believing a Big Brother style 1984 'Newspeak' declaration. The Twin Towers, that were toppled by micro-gonaded Muslim extremists, murdered and maimed well over a division of defenseless, Providence-trusting, red-blooded American citizens and others, whose only 'sin' consisted of being inside the target buildings. This attack was a defeat for the United States, deserving not a victory banner, but, with apologies to none, a field of white crosses marking the untimely death of the innocent business-suited thousands. And this same rout was a crushing blow (and I pray, an unforgettable wake-up call) to those who continue to insist that the Federal Government, alone with its now ragged mantle of omnipotence, can shield millions of naked American citizens. September 26th, 2001: I'm Patriotic Until it Costs Me a Few Seconds!
As a duty of my placement in the 'security biz', Monday, the 24th of September, I was assigned, a day late, to raise the flags at my post up to full mast. Of course we all know that they were lowered in memory of the cowardly attack on New York City by a bunch of porcine averse 'radical' Muslims. In any case, after waiting all of fifty-five seconds, the fifty-five seconds it took me to raise the flag and wrap the rope around the lanyard, I heard the blast of an SUV horn. That drew my attention to a puke, who had to have seen me raising the standards, but could not endure the wait of less than one minute. As I approached the vehicle, I thought of how much I really, really needed this week's paycheck . . . and that thought kept me from slamming the face of the putrid prick piloting the Chevy Tahoe into the leather wrapped horn button. I couldn't help but think what would have happened, had, at the same time, the two young men, earnestly sporting their Army Airborne uniforms been pulled up parallel to this absolute asshole. Yes, I met these two boys later in the day, one visiting mom and dad for what may be the last time on this Earth. I reached inside the vehicle and shook both of their hands and, as G.Gordon Liddy has taught us all, clearly said, "Thank you for your service to our country!" As they drove away from my outpost, I choked up imagining what those two servicemen may face and what proud and fearful thoughts their parents must be harboring. That's another reason I believe the God of Abraham (not Mohammed) is guiding my life. For Who else could have, in one eight hour period, shown me, Mr.Wonderful, spokesman for Arizona, the worst America had to offer and later, the best! America, what a country! September 18th, 2001: Different Day, Same Government, Same BS !
As I learn of 'Air Marshals' flying the friendly skies, which I believe is one of the finest means to halt hijackings, I also hear of a bushel of anti-skyjacking regulations which, besides being expensive and demeaning to all passenger's and extending the time a traveler would spend at the airport by at least an hour, if not multiple hours, would not have rewritten a jot nor tittle of Tuesday's tragedy! 767 AirlinerI don't care if they turn up the x-ray machines so they can detect the amount of iron in my bone marrow, they will not detect a plastic knife. And they won't detect a cabin full of possum people phoning for earth bound individuals to rescue them either. Many of these dickless Arab kamikazes were known to be terrorist's, were known to be in the United States, were known to have used their given names and were known to have been trained to pilot seven-series airliners right here in the U S of A. Why not start there? Why not keep Arab terrorists out of our country in the first place? Doh! Why not conduct the same amount of FBI research on anyone wishing to learn to fly that is regularly performed on a lowly rent-a-cop who earns $8.00 an hour down at the mall prying gum out of pay phones? Why not be a little more suspicious of any Arabs or Arab-American's who fly on commercial flights? Oh. Oh! We don't want to offend individuals of Arab descent? FDR, President for Life!But we feel just fine burdening 100% of the flying public with billions of dollars in additional costs through increased ticket prices needed to fund anti-hijacking methods that have been proved to have more holes in them than a New York City street? We don't want to offend people of Arab heritage, but yet we will demand that all airline passengers jump through a set of hoops not seen outside of a Barnum & Baily traveling circus? Remember the last real war we WON? That would be World War II for you public school educated brats. And while the scheme, by that Democratic-god-President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, to intern all Japanese American's should have been laughed out of the Supreme Court chambers, all American citizens of Japanese, Italian or German descent were usually and rightfully eyed with suspicion throughout the War Years. I know, because my father was a German-American, who spoke not a word of English until the fourth grade. And, being a Kraut, he wasn't allowed to soldier in the armed services, however, being an electrical engineer, he was allowed to soldier in the manufacture of the first atomic bomb. And likewise, if we're going to win this war, we must eye those of Arab extraction with suspicion. Boys and girls, we are now out in the real world where terrorists, especially these porcine eating bastards, will take your 20th Century PC attitudes and shove them where the sun don't shine and then turn around and murder 5,000 more innocents. September 14th, 2001: Our Government's Idea of 'Safe' is Shattered !
When danger strikes, as it most certainly did Tuesday, our government reacts by enacting more statutes, more restrictions, more surveilance on all it's citizens. Efforts which are largely wasted and only further handcuff the lives of all freedom loving American's. Twin Towers viewed from Central ParkI state it again. Those bent on causing harm to the United States, its' citizens, its' economy, or its' government, will circumvent virtually every means concocted to expose them ... except those means dismissed as 'too dirty' thirty years ago. And while the liberal nitwits (and many conservatives) living on our Eastern Seaboard honestly believe that if today's citizens of this nation's Founding 13 Colonies enjoyed the same freedom to carry and conceal firearms that we possess in Arizona, there would be regular Old-West shoot-outs on Wall Street.We have proved them to be wrong. (As a matter of fact, the majority of Arizona's deadly firearm use revolves around Mexican Nationals here illegally. Mexican Nationals, not U.S. citizens.) Knowing that, I ponder, "What would have happened Tuesday if only one brave, selfless Arizonan on American Flight 11 had been carrying a concealed, licensed, firearm? What would have been the result had one daring individual been armed with an automatic pistol on American Flight 77? Would thousands of lives, hundreds of thousands of jobs and billions of dollars (not even considering the $40,000,000,000 pledged by Congress) been saved? An oceanfull of fatal skyjackings would have had to have occurred since that parachuting pioneer, D.B. Cooper, leapt to his well deserved death thirty years ago, in order to equal the devastation dealt in a mere twenty minutes three days ago, to justify the continued and senseless disarming of the American (pun not intended) airline traveler. September 13th, 2001: You just bought a flag? Shame on you !
Yesterday, seeing my neighbor had his American flag again waving in the searing Arizona sun, I also decided to fly the flag. 'Knowing' that my son had destroyed my portable flag pole in a sword fight, I drove down to the local Ace Hardware store to purchase a replacement. Once there, I was told by the emphysema-stricken and knurled seasoned citizen, they had quickly sold out of the Stars and Stripes. And as I turned to leave, I heard another customer ask the same question and receive the same news. Home again, I decided to invade the both dangerous and dark hall closet at the MW abode. Eureka! Buried behind raincoats, overcoats and umbrellas, I spied flag and pole in good condition. D-Day Invasion PlansHeading out the front door I was soon balancing my 267 pounds on a tree stump and stretching my screaming torso in order to reach the flag holder bracket, which I then filled with my newly found flag pole. Understand that I had been 'Flying the Flag' on every federal holiday for years. Especially to celebrate D-Day, June 6th, 1944. Coincidentally, June 6th was also the birthday of my youngest son. Being the last child at home, I make sure he knows damn well, when, where and what World War II was all about. It was about normal American dad's leaving their homes and families and businesses and communities to go to war and slog through battlefields and sail the seas, not to keep oil flowing to the U.S., and not to stop Communism, but to prevent the Axis Powers from physically conquering our belovéd country. I asked him to imagine what that must have been like. With moms, sisters, wives and daughters, laboring in the factories to build the tanks, planes and ships that fathers, husbands, sons and brothers may later die in. I made certain he knew of the sacrifices these everyday citizens gave to keep this country free. I told him of the father of my good friend Harris, who hit the beaches on D-Day. A then young man who gladly went to war and risked his life to defend our freedom. To defend the American way of life. I made sure he knew that we 'Flew the Flag' on these special days as a grateful salute to those men and women, whom though it may have been decades or centuries ago, fought and died to allow the bell of freedom to continue to toll in this greatest of all nations. And before yesterday, you didn't own a flag? Shame on you!