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Injury Report

FYI - This is not an injury

...unless you bend over in front of him...

"Hey, I've got some good news and some bad news...."

1 - The bad news? ..."Bionic" Mike Mlynek crashed into the left-center fence after stepping on a water sprinkler cover(one of the many obscure hazards at venerable Clark Field) at full speed. In the ensuing pile-up, Max's throwing shoulder was separated and he was lost for the season (.900+ hitters are hard to find).

The good news? ...Successful surgery and an intense therapy session off-season has returned the shoulder to almost "like new" condition and he has resumed a light-duty training regimen. [On a personal note: Max, blushingly told this publication he has fallen in love with his therapist - we know all of "Bio" Mike's fans join us in wishing he and Gunther a happy and meaningful life together.]

2 - The bad news? ..."Bozo" Brosso bruised and tore groin muscles (he claims to have more than one, but then, he's [*]french) on a diving, twisting play for a hot line-drive into center field. The real culprit(?), he had his cup in upside-down. It took two of us to get him off the field and three of the four cheerleaders to get his shorts unbunched. Needless to say, it was a rookie mistake you wouldn't expect from a guy who claims to have played semi-pro ball in a corn field near Kankakee, Illinois. It was serious enough to keep him out for three weeks when we were making a stretch run.
[*]NOTE: Where I come from, the "f" in french is not capitalized

The good news? ...Gloria, Bozo's better half, sewed his cup right-side up into his jock, so we shouldn't see a repeat of that type injury unless he tries pulling it on over his head. Gloria, however, has promised to supervise that aspect of his pre-game preparation to insure he gets the more complicated equipment on as it was intended by the manufacturer.

3 - The bad news? ..."Ol' Man River" Manford broke several toes halfway through the 3rd session. It clearly slowed him down covering the line, getting down on hot drives in the dirt and getting to and from the men's room before his turn to bat.

The good news? ...We saw no perceptible slowdown when he was on the bases, actually, he looked a little quicker. His on-base percentage went up after the injury and he still managed that trademark two-hopper to first on most plays. In fact, after a winter of reviewing films, Coach thinks we should break his toes again before the start of the '98 season.
[NOTE: His wife says she'll do it for free so we won't even have to hire it done.]

4 - The bad news? ..."Krusty" Riddle complained of pulled calf muscles halfway through the 3rd session and pulled up lame several times, noticeably in pain. After examination the team physician confirmed a "slight" tear in his left calf but reminded the Coaching staff that he rarely hits the ball out of the infield and even when he does - a competent outfielder can still throw him out at first, even when his legs are healthy, so it could certainly not be considered a career threatening injury.

The good news? ...After an off-season test of his blood sample (we believe in a paternity suit) it was determined that his DNA contained certain equine characteristics. Hence, team medical and legal staff have advised that if a high enough percentage exists and he continues to have these nagging leg problems, we can just shoot him.

5 - The bad news? ..."Stick Man" Rosborough struggled with a sprained knee almost the entire '97 season. The training staff reviewed the injury in post season and called off plans for an MRI and suggested rest and "flex" therapy. Also noted in his medical file was the recommendation that The Stick start showing up at least 30 minutes prior to game time and do warm-ups like most over 40 players...I think the exact verbage is "Stick, act your age, bub..."

The good news? ...If he continues to have leg problems Coach believes he can sneak some of Krusty's horse blood into Stick's specimen file and he can build a case for shooting him too.

6 - The bad news? ...Juan "Bugsy" Piede, a mid-season free agent pick-up for the NADS, struggled to find his game. Just when he showed signs of contributing he was tossed for "Failure to Control Adjectives" and later was asked to leave the park almost costing us forfeiture of a double-header. Needless to say, we all, from time to time, experience a little pent-up frustration; but Bugsy had it bad. It is my sad task to report this was an injury, from which, Bugsy was unable to recover. The Bugster will, we assume, explore free agency this spring.

The good news? ...We did get our jersey from him after the final tournament game..."...way to go [*]Coach!"
[*] NOTE: Where I come from the "C" in Coach is capitalized.

Injury Update - 03 / 12 / 98

7 - The bad news? ...In a surprise announcement today, NADS Officials announced a somewhat serious injury to Jerry "Ol' Man River" Manford. Tests run Wednesday, 3/11/98, revealed a lateral, triple hernia of the lower abdominal flexor muscle group. At Jerry's age (he has a 5 digit social security number) this cannot be taken lightly and though not considered career threatening, it will certainly take the measure of his desire to rehab and re-join the lineup. The NADS will miss his contribution at the plate and in the infield.

The good news? ...Jerry, upbeat as ever, says if they slice him open he's gonna' have them do lipo-suction around the ol' middle. It seems he still has an award winning collection of polyester liesure suits from the 70's that he'd love to be able to wear again. As an added bonus, the clinic where the surgery will be performed offers a free bikini/speedo hot-wax with every mid-riff incision, so Jerry will be 'stylin' this summer at the team picnic.

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