Hey, I got the Pride Award!
Hi, welcome to my Home Page. Come on in, & PLEASE read this with an open mind!
Let's see...first off, I'll tell you that this is my life in summary, and writing about it was sort of healing for me. As for a little bit about myself, My name is Kirsten, & I was brought up in the LDS, aka: Mormon, religion. I am also a Lesbian. Yep, a Mormon lesbian. Talk about contradiction! I hope that if you are going through any of this stuff, dealing with religion, and homosexuality, maybe knowing you aren't the only one out there will help a little. I felt pretty alone in this for most of my life, but since posting this site I've been learing that there are a TON of Lesbian & Gay Latter Day Saints, (or Mormons), out there. Don't think that you are alone!
I was brought up in a very loving home, where I learned good values & high morals & standards. I also learned that cheating & stealing is wrong, drugs & alcohol can kill you, always try to turn the other cheek & premarital sex is a sin. But most importantly to me, I learned that being a homosexual is the worst sin imaginable, next to murder. I learned that if you are excommunicated from the LDS Church for homosexual conduct that you can never repent & rejoin it. (Not that you could ever truely repent for feelings you have no control over anyway.) That rule applies only to murder & homosexuality. Any other sin can be repented of, including spousal abuse, child abuse & molestation, adultery & many other terrible and major sins. As a child being cast out like that scared me to death. I thought I would be cast out from Gods presence, not only from the LDS Church. At home I'd listen as my Mother & Father talked about "THOSE" people & watched them shake their heads in disgust. Little did they know that their little daughter, with the cute little pony tails, would grow into a very confused young woman.
It was 7th grade, 12 years old, when I first noticed an attraction to another girl. She was in the 8th grade & played Annie in "Annie Get Your Gun", our school play. I sang in the chorus & when I heard that girl sing for the first time....well, I became her biggest fan. I was too scared to talk to her though, so she never even knew who I was. I just admired her from a distance for the rest of that year. I remember being scared and fighting with my feelings. My 1st crush was on a girl?!? It was about that same time that my friends were finding boys to fall in "love" with. I felt really...different & I didn't quite know why.
That same year I met my best, lifelong friend, Lorrie. We met at a church function that was held at one of my classmates house. Lorrie & a friend were teasing each other, as if they were dating, but in an argument. They each kept saying "Fine, if you don't like me, then I'll go out with ..." & they'd chose a new girl. It was all very cute & funny 'til Lorrie chose ME! Panic ran through me, so I quickly made my excuses & said I had to go home. God forbid anyone think I liked a girl. (Not like they would have anyway...but I was young and dumb.) Lorrie volunteered to walk me home, & I knew she was still teasing me, so I told her no, but she insisted. She walked with me until we reached her house, & she told me she was going in to tell her Mom that she was going to my house. For some reason I grasped the opportunity & ran home. Later Lorrie told me that she thought it was hilarious.
A few months later in the summer, I went to a church camp, where I met & instantly became friends with another girl Lisa. She & I hung out together for the entire week. So, on the last day of camp Lisa asked me to spend the next night at her house, & I agreed. We stayed up & gossiped about boys, & friends, & told ghost stories late into the night. Typical 12 year old stuff. The next morning I woke up looking at Lorrie standing over me. After a monent of sheer panic she told me that She's Lisa's older sister. Lorrie had another good laugh at my expence, & somehow she & I hit it off & are still friends to this day. A few years later after graduating from High School, Lorrie "came out." I never told her about my feelings for women, & I wasn't her biggest support ever. I felt like continuing to be involved in her life would make me suspect, so I dropped out of her life for awhile. Not my best moment ever. After all was said & done, Lorrie has always been there to support me, even if not deserved. Thank God for friends with forgiving hearts!
When I got into high school I was pretty popular & always had my share of friends. I was an officer in the school club I belonged to & the President of my Young Womens group in the LDS Church for 3 years in a row. I was told by the member of the Bishopric who interviewed me that I was picked to be the class president because of my "spitiuality & maturity." Meanwhile, all through High School starting in the 9th grade, I had a huge crush on a girl my age, much to my confusion. She was gorgeous, with long blonde hair & deep blue eyes. I thought she was walking perfection. I was still pretty shy & never talked to her, just like the last girl. She talked to me once though, in math class, & asked me if she could borrow my comb. I was struck speachless & I just handed the comb over without saying a word, while trying not to look like an idiot. (I don't think it worked!) For 4 years I'd walk out of my way every day to go past her locker just to get a glimpse of her. My locker was on the other side of the school, but it was worth the walk. I kept wondering HOW I could have a crush on yet another girl. I didn't WANT to be a lesbian! I couldn't be...could I? So, I always made sure I had boyfriends, & NEVER went more than 3 days between steady guys.
My Junior year I actualy fell for a great looking Catholic boy who was tall & handsome. Two years later we were still dating & I was 18. My Parents were so concerned about the fact that I may marry a guy out of my religion that they packed up the family & moved us out of the state. Can you imagine what they would have done if HE was a SHE? I would have ended up in a different country! I was broken hearted & it took me 2 years to get over him.
When I finally did move on it was because I met a girl who took my mind off of him. Talk about class & style. She had it all. She dressed just right, wore nice jewelry & shoes & carried the most expensive purses. I know that sounds a little shallow, but there was something else too. The moment we met we became instant best friends. We worked together for an airline &, lucky us, we ended up on the night shift. Every night we worked together as a team & during the day we went to movies, lunch & shopping. On our nights off we cruised night clubs to go dancing. With our flight benefits we traveled alot together. Flying to the places we had lived before meeting & to our favorite cities, San Francisco & San Diego, just for lunch or more shopping. We were so close that I swear we had a sort of psychic connection. I only had to think about her & she'd call me. It was so unique! I'd never been that close to anyone before. During out friendship I continued dating guys & so did she. (Funny how we never liked the guys each other were seeing.) She gave me alot of hints that we could be more than friends, but I was too insecure to explore that further & risk our friendship. I was scared I may be reading into things. I mean, how do you know for sure about what those hints mean unless a person just comes right out and tells you what they want?
2 years into our friendship I ended up meeting a Mormon guy just home from a 2 year Mission who treated me great. My parents were thrilled! My friend was not. She told me that I had to decide which I wanted more, him or her friendship. Like a fool I chose him, thinking that this was my chance at a "normal" family life. The one I was taught to grow up & lead.
In 1989 I got married in a Mormon Temple. My best friend came to my reception that night, but had refused to be my maid of honor. Our friendship was pretty much over & I was hurt. A few months later I quit my job because I couldn't stand things the way they were between us, & because my new husband thought that I needed to stay at home & be a good little house wife, like his Mother. He also asked me to quit college, & I did. I should have noticed the control issues he had right then, but I reasoned that we were newly weds & this was normal. I just thought he wanted to spend more time with me.
3 years later I had my first of 2 babies & 2 years after that I had the second. They are the most remarkable part of my life. So precious & innocent. I'd never experienced unconditional love until I held my first tiny daughter in my arms right after her birth. I cried from the overwhelming joy & love I felt for her. What a miracle they are! The only regret I have about having children is bringing them into my life where they will have to deal with all of the issues my lifestyle will challenge them with. All I can hope is that after being brought up in a more open minded environment than I was, they can feel free to love people in their lives regardless of race, religion or sex. I want them to feel free to express themselves openly without the constant fear of rejection that I had.
Meanwhile, my marriage was great...as far as my husband was concerned. But I was absolutely miserable. I wanted a relationship with a woman so bad it hurt, but I couldn't see how it was never going to happen. I was a Mormon housewife with 2 kids. I'd lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling & asking myself who I was & how I got there. I felt like I had lost my entire identity. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I had let myself gain weight & was neglecting myself. Then, one day I woke up. I decided that I'd had it & I was going to become ME again. I started walking, then running, & I set a goal to get hired by the Police Department. I'd always wanted to be a Cop, so I was going to go for it. For a year I worked in victims assistance for the Police Department & went to many training classes. I went out on Police & Fire calls, & dealt with victims & families of major critical incidents. I saw alot of death & pain, but it was always rewarding to be in the service of people in desperate need. It took me still another year to slim down, tone up & apply. Soon, I found myself taking tests & running obstacle courses. I couldn't believe it when I got the letter in the mail saying that they had actualy hired me! I was going to be a Cop! Talk about self confidence, it was just oozing off of me. I was becomming ME again! I began going to meetings with other women involved in the Department & making a lot of new friends.
For some reason the women I knew in my Church couldn't understand what I was doing with myself. Not only was I going to work outside my home, but I was going to work in a "mans" job, & a dangerous one at that. I found myself getting ignored & snubbed by them. I'd walk through the halls at church between the meetings & say hello to my "friends". They'd look the other way, & pretend they didn't see or hear me. That really hurts. Soon I just quit going all together. My husband, who supported me in my desire to be a Police Officer, was as baffled by them as I was.
Sometime during all of this I bought my computer & got on the internet. I loved it! I noticed the lesbian chat rooms, but never went in to check them out. I was too scared someone might actualy want to chat with me. I mean, what would I say? What if it was sexual? Yeah, I know, I'm a wimp! But I stayed FAR away from those rooms!
In January of 1997 I started the Police Academy. I was scared to death! I found myself wondering just what the heck I was doing to myself. But, by the end of the first day I loved it! I loved standing in formation, running, & the discipline & formality of it all. The classes were mentaly stimulating. I felt like I'd finaly found my place in life. It didn't last very long though. During the first week of the academy I was at home one night by myself doing my laundry, when I slipped off a low step in the garage & heard a loud snap. I found myself on the ground in agony. I'd hurt my ankle pretty bad & I wasn't sure if it was broken or sprained. I made it to the academy the next day & my Sergeant sent me to the hospital because I could barely walk on it, & couldn't run at all. X-rays showed that it was a really bad sprain & some snapped tendons. The Dr. put me on crutches for 2 weeks minimum. Well, to make a long story short, It ended my academy stay & put me on light duty in Police Administration for the next 10 months. I was devastated. I'd worked for 2 years to get there, & it was over before it had hardly begun. Besides that, the story of how I got hurt sounded really stupid when I had to tell it. My ego was a little bruised, to say the least!
One night soon after that I was home, lonely & depressed. My husband worked the night shift, so I got online to keep myself occupied. My curiosity got the best of me that night & I found myself a lesbian chat room to check out. No one even instant messaged me. I ended up kind of disapointed & even more curious than ever. I went into one again the next night, & the next. Soon I had made some friends & I found the chat rooms a great way to take my mind off my troubles. They created a new problem for me though. After working SO hard for my entire life to push my feelings aside I was realizing that I was lying to myself & my husband about my sexuality. Being able to talk & relate to other lesbian women was so liberating for me. I felt so free, & more myself than I ever had. This is who I wanted to be!
My husband quickly noticed my change & thought I had possibly met a man online, so he started snooping around. He ended up stealing my password & went online under my account. After he found out who I'd been chatting with he confronted me angrily about it one night. I felt absolutely sick & scared to death! This was it. I took a slow, deep breath & told him the truth. I told him that I am a lesbian. We spent hours talking & crying late into the night. I explained to him about hiding my feelings for my entire life & how I had hated myself for who I am. I told him how hard I'd tried to repress it & change my feelings through willpower, prayer & fasting, without success, and that now I realized that it's just who I am, & that there's nothing wrong with me after all. I was so greatful to him for not yelling & screaming at me. He never put blame on me or criticized me that night. He just listened & cried. I'd finally told someone. I was 30 years old, & it was the first time that I'd ever said out loud, even to myself, that I'm a lesbian. That night a huge burden was lifted & I became free, even though as we spoke other burdens were starting to be piled onto my shoulders. My husband asked me for a divorce right then & there, & I agreed to give him one. I could see how much pain he was going through & I knew we were in for a long bumpy ride.
My soon-to-be ex husband went through all the stages of grief during our divorce. Denial was a big one, but anger was the worst. He tried to be supportive & understanding at first, but then suddenly I was getting accused of cheating, which I never did. He threw insults at me right & left, & even started name calling. I tried to tell myself he was just angry. I tried to be understanding, telling myself that this was my fault, I put him through this. Eventualy though, he ended up saying things to me that permanently damaged any friendship we might have salvaged. I couldn't blame him for his anger, but I wouldn't accept any more verbal & mental abuse either. Things ended up on a fairly good note in the end. We split our property & got joint custody of the kids, & within 5 months he was re-married to a 19 year old Mormon girl.
Well, coming out to my Mormon family was....interesting. I thought long & hard about how to do it, so I wrote out a long letter to them. I planned on giving it to them & being there while they read it, so I could respond afterwards. Meanwhile things weren't going so great for me physicaly. I developed tendonitis in my knees from running wrong on my injured ankle. After 9 months of pain I knew in my heart, & knees, that I wasn't going to be able to complete the police academy.
I decided that since things weren't going to work out for me in the Police Department, & I was soon going to be out of a job, that the timing was right for me to move out of state & away from many of my problems. I could leave behind a failed marriage, & a very critical family & church, & start my life over with a woman I'd met online, & become involved with. I decided that the time was finally right to come out to my Parents, Brothers & Sister.
I told my Sister first. She took it pretty well. She just sat there & looked sort of mad after reading my letter. She told me what became everyones standard reply to my coming out. "Well, I figured that you were." What is with that anyway? How could everyone I know figure out that I'm a lesbian when I was trying so hard not to be one? I don't LOOK like a lesbian! (Whatever one looks like.) Hmmmm...that still puzzles me to this day. My Parents were MUCH rougher on me. My Mom, get this, asked me if I was gay during a phone conversation about my moving. (So, much for my letter!) I had told her that I was moving in with a woman who Lorrie had introduced me to. (Yes, I lied.) My Mom knows that Lorrie is a lesbian, so she asked, "Is this roommate a lesbian?" I told her yes, & she asked angrily, & a little snotty, "Well, are YOU?" My mouth dropped open. My gosh, I was scared! For a split second I thought about lying to her for my own self preservation, but couldn't think up a good one fast enough. So, I decided to just tell her the truth. I needed to stop hiding. I took a deep breath, & said softly into the phone...."Yes, I am." (Typical lesbian/gay answer. Hehehe!) Good grief, I thought world war III had broke out on the other end! I could hear my Dad in the background screaming that I was going straight to Hell. My Mom was furious & screamed at me that I am NOT a lesbian, because she hadn't raised me that way! (Boy, is that the truth!) Well, I talked, or rather tried to talk above the screaming, 'til I finally I gave up & told my Mom that we needed to talk about it more later in person. She yelled, "You're damn right we do," and slammed the phone down. After that night my Father never has discussed it with me again & I never mention it to him. We have one of those "Don't ask, don't tell" policies going on. My Mom likes to talk about it. Her theory is that My ex must've been REALLY, REALLY bad to me, & if I had married someone else this wouldn't be happening. Whatever. Mom has to justify things.
My Dad & my sister helped me move out of State about a month later. I got a job working in Loss Prevention, (security), for a major retail company. It included shopping undercover, looking for shoplifters, video surveilance & making arrests. It was pretty interesting, & I got to shop while I work. You can't beat that, huh? I was with that company for 2 1/2 years, & loved it. I had a few different relationships during the next few years, & traveled a lot back & forth between my home State & CA. Eventualy I ended up moving back home to be closer to my family again, who have for the most part learned to accept me for who I am. I have to admit they have suprised me. For all of those years I was scared they'd disown me, & really they've done the opposite, & tried even harder to include me. They do stay pretty much out of my personal life. I doubt that they want to know what's really going on with that!
For the most part I've adjusted pretty well to the lesbian lifestyle, & things that go with it, like, GIRLFRIENDS, motorcycles, all girl bars, tattoo's & Pride Festivals. (FUN!) There are the occasional bad things too. I'm still a nervous about being "out" at work. Being gay is not always easy. People are quick to hate you if they don't understand how you think or feel, & it's hard to know how people are going to react when they find out who you are, or see you holding hands with your partner. Now I'm the Mom, & have two little girls with cute pony tails. I have to wonder what issues life will bring them, & hope that they know that I love them, & that they can talk to me about anything.
I grew up in the LDS Church. I loved it, I believed it's teachings, & I lived them for most of my life. I know that I need to have my name removed from the records of the Church. That used to scare me, but now I look at it as moving on & growing. I can't be a Mormon anymore. This religion torments me. It's teachings made me hate myself while I was young, & deny my true feelings & identity. I tried so hard to change who I am because the church says homosexuality is a sin. But, I didn't make the decision to become a lesbian. No one in their right mind decides to be gay, with all the persecution, hatred & heartache that comes with it. I just am who I am & that is NOT a sin. I liked the LDS Church's family values & the closeness of the members. I liked the strong ideals & standards. It's a shame that the church can't remember the terrible persecution it's own members endured in it's early days, & include everyone into their fold, accepting & loving people for who they are, instead of rejecting them for their differences. I'd think that as long as you love unfailingly, & are true to yourself & your companion that it just shouldn't matter who you love. I'm letting go of a religion that has always been a huge part of my life. I've decided that from now on I'm going to be the person I was born to be & I will NOT be ashamed! No Church, & no person is going to ever make me feel that way about myself again.
06/10/2001
I sent off a long letter to my Bishop in April of 1998 asking to have my name removed from the records of the LDS Church. I'm not sure why, but I never heard back. So, I sent off another one in Dec of 1998. Once again, I never heard back from the Church. I'm a little suprised that they never had enough courtesy to acknowledge my letters. I waited for a response for over a year before I decided that I guess I really don't need one. I know I'm no longer a member of the church anyway, except technicaly. But I would have liked to make that final. If they ever do decide to respond to the letters I continue to send I'll be relieved. If the leaders of the church would open their hearts & minds, maybe life could be a lot different for their MANY sisters & brothers who live in silence, in the closet, in fear of being discovered & cast out because of feelings of love that are completely normal to them.
United we stand! Erase the hate!
Hate Crimes Prevention Act Support Group.
I support the right of all Americans, Gay or Straight, to have marriage rights now!!
My Favorite Lesbian Links
Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons
A Dykes World
The Coming Out of a Lesbian's Mother
She Cards: Free Lesbian Electronic Greetings!
