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Welcome...To my insane world of laughter!! I've not made any changes to this page in a very very long time .. but I thought maybe now is the time to start spreading the cheer again! LOL

If you have funnies to contribute shoot me an email I'll be more than glad to add them to this page.

OK .. Look, after multiple razzings from my family, It has come to my attention that
MAYBE .. JUST MAYBE .. I should put a
WARNING
on this site.. so .. here is your chance. This page contains
SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL
THAT IS NOT
APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18!!
If you are easily offended.. maybe you should consider using the


and exiting this page now.

Well, you're here now, so kick back and scroll through the laughs, I hope you enjoy yourself.
**Smiles**

Des

"The Settlement"





"YOU DO THE MATH"

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than the 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here is a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

IF:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
THEN:

H - A - R - D - W - O - R - K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


AND

K - N - O - W - L - E - D - G - E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5+ = 96%


BUT,
A - T - T - I - T - U - D - E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


AND,
B - U - L - L - S -H - I - T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far
Ass kissing will take you!

A - S - S - K - I - S - S - I - N - G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, itís the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

"NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN"

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving te wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


"History of Math"

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . .



"Priceless"

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $105.00 Court Costs: $45.00 Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS

"The Son-In-Law"

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied, 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He too was shocked and asked as to what she was doing. The daughter said, 'Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She nervously looked in and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, 'What the hell are you doing?' The husband replied, 'I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law!'

"The Wal-Mart Job"

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants!"

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the local Walmart.

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