The Hoist Device

By Davis Hull

Uncle Par was spittin' mad when first the news hit town

Ottawa had pulled the plug and closed the fishery down

You can't go out John Crosbie said, absolutly not

There's none to trap, none to jig, nar one for the pot

Parmaneus Bramwell Lament lived down in Big John Bay

A simple life with Mae his wife, on the straight and narrow way

Every day for eighty years since they weaned him off the tit

He had a fish, his favourite dish, and he wasn't 'bout to quit

The S's on his collar meant he was a righteous man

He would never break a promise or a statute of the land

Corps Sargeant Major "Par" Lament would have to find a way

To be square with God and get that cod to the bakepot from the bay

He couldn't use a jiggin' line, a trawl hook or a net

The ban included fishin' rods and scuba diving sets

His only link with the sea below was a uphill sewer line

If only he could find a way to get those fish to climb

Uncle Par went up the hill to his special thinkin' place

Before to long he was dodgin' down with a smile on his face

He filled a ball with helium and shoved it down the vent

And every turd inside the pipe, back up the hill they went

"Allright, said Par, We got her made, all we need is funds

Not only will I get me fish, I'll hire all me sons

We'll call the thing the Hoist Device, I've got a master plan

Governments have given grants for stranger type demands."

Now Uncle Par was quite adept at wooing bureaucrats

He baffled them with balderdash and boggled them with facts

He assured the local government they'd save a million bucks

On sewer lifts, holding tanks and stinkin' honey trucks

A million for the next five years we'll give you and the boys

Said young Ross the fisheries boss to get the shit to rise

And a hundred thousand annually for five years from today

To build a mesh around your pipe to keep the fish at bay

"That's wonderful me son, said Par, but what are we to do

With a fish that slips into the pipe before the projects through"

"All the fish that stay alive you'll put back in the deep

But if one should die while rising up that one you can keep"

"Thanks a lot, said Skipper Par, that's very kind of you

But what's the good of fish to me thats full of shit and goo"

"A point you've got we'll rise the pot up to a million three

Find a way to keep them clean just like they are at sea"

"I've got a plan, young Junior said, two pipes laid side by each

From underneath the lavatory down to the harbour beach"

"Don't be a fool, the kid was told, how is a fish to know

Which pipe the shit is coming from or where he's suppose to go"

Uncle Par walked up the hill, again he had to think

On the way he passed the place where the kids all go to drink

There on the ground the key he found to isolate the food

It prevents disease, slips on at ease, and intensifies the mood

"Good day my dear, I'm Par Lament, How ya doin' today

I'm calling from the Hoist Device down here in Big John Bay

I need some condoms, extra huge, to fit a four inch pipe

Ten a day for the next five years, startin Sunday night."

"Wait right there my darlin' man, for a stud like you I've craved

I'll leave my man, the house, the kids and the million I have saved"

"No, No, my love, laughed Skipper Par, I stretch them on the pipe

If a fish swims in he's safely wrapped, safe and clean and tight"

Now every day when the tide was in Par rowed out to the vent

Stuffed the ball down in the pipe and up the hill it went

About halfway up the rising pipe he built a catch device

The survivors were put back at sea, the dead ones put on ice

All through the moratorium the the thing was working great

Uncle Par had plenty fish and the cheques were never late

People came from near and far just to marvel at the sight

Big John Bay pollution free from the bottom to the bight

There was some doubt across the land if a simple hoist device

Was worth the time and energy and the operating price

The Prime Minister was not impressed, he ordered it to stop

But Par Lament had proved again that shit can reach the top.

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Email: davray@sympatico.ca