FREEDOM...a new beginning
by Mari
a survivor.......

Introduction:

This is about "recovery".....

It is based on the "memories" that came flooding back to me...I had been hurting mentally for some time..not understanding just why, but tired of the "guilt" or whatever it was that was depressing me...One morning I had enough..and took some pills to escape the hurting...a friend (Ralph/Warrior) called, and had discovered what i had done, and the next thing I knew, I was at the hospital...On the advice of my medical doctor, I sought help....As I was doing "homework" that my counselor had given me...Everthing, all the things I had pushed back, far behind in my memories..returned..As I remember the details...they are typed as fast as they enter my mind.

I then went back and Hugged myself as an adult....telling the little child that was so abused...it is ok now...

please....bear with me...i am still learning, and remembering... and slowly getting my life, heart, and mind back together...learning to love ME..all over again........

One word Frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is LOVE

FREEDOM A NEW BEGINNING BY MARI

My first memory, is my mother, dragging me by the arm, into the bedroom. My father is waiting for me..I am being presented to him..Part of a bargain..A peace treaty. I don't know why I was screaming..I have no memory of before this. I am approx 6 years old. I remember him taking me into bed , telling me how much he loves me..and that I am his special little girl...I remember him touching me there...It felt strange, but he said he was showing me how much he loves me...GIVING YOU A BIG HUG NOW..YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT....he carries me back to my bed, tucks me in, and says I was a good girl, and he is happy with me..

I remember mother taking me into the shower with daddy....I thought this was fun...he showed me how to clean him..ITS OK...he held my head there..told me to suck like it was a lollipop...BIG HUG NOW..

I remember playing with my dolls Ken, Barbie, Skipper, Midge, Alan. I pretended they were my family...I would dress them up...We were going to church...Then I would pretend church was over..I would undress ken & barbie ..tie them to my cats posts, and take a razor blade to them, or hit them really hard... ITS OK...YOUR JUST GETTING OUT ANGER.BIG HUG NOW..I always thought I was crazy or something...I would not tell anyone what I did. I couldn't understand why I did that...IT'S OK NOW.YOU WERE ALRIGHT DOING THAT..BIG HUG...

My father is done with me...I leave the room. My mother comes and gets me..It is time for a bath...I don't like baths.. She hurts me..She always puts something in my butt before my bath.. I remember trying to keep my butt closed..squeezing hard...she would slap me and then insert something...she would keep her finger in my butt cause I remember pushing it out one time...I am crying..BIG HUG..she makes me hold it..I have to go so bad....I sometimes cannot hold it, and she gets real mad, puts me on the toilet, and i feel better...but then she has to clean me...i hate her...she yanks me to the tub..the water is already in it...then she brings the bottle brush..she says i am filthy and have to be cleaned..it hurts so bad...she is not gentle...BIG HUG...YOU ARE NOT DIRTY.OR FILTHY..i hate her...daddy loves me...HE IS NOT LOVING YOU...BIG HUG..THAT IS NOT LOVE...

sometimes she takes me to daddy after a bath...he is gentle, he calms me down..he loves me. THAT IS NOT LOVE..BIG HUG...i remember screaming inside...I can still hear it...YOU ARE OK TO SCREAM..YOU HAVE TO RELEASE SOMEHOW...BIG HUG...

i have nightmares all the time...a big hand comes out of the wall across the room..it is real hairy...it almost reaches me and i wake up crying...HUG...if i make to much noise crying she will come in..i hate her...i scream inside...THAT'S OK....in the mornings, i can't get out of bed till mother comes in..she has to see if i am well...she comes in and takes my temperature...why can't she do it in my mouth?..SHE IS EVIL...YOU HAD NO CHOICE THEN, YOU ARE TO SMALL TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING...BIG HUG NOW.she always moved it around, and it hurts...

My brother is crying, and he won't tell me why..he just says he hates it here and wants to run away.. HE WAS HURTING TOO..YOU KNOW THAT NOW..HUG..

I take showers most of the time with daddy now..He showed me how to clean his peepee...He said to put it in my mouth. That it washes better that way. This becomes regular for many years.BUT IT IS NOT REGULAR FOR A LITTLE GIRL..IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU HAD TO DO THIS..BIG HUG!..

I remember around 7 or 8 -I can't put ages or dates together, they are still jumbled around..just what happened.-I was out back playing and daddy came out and told me to follow him in the shed..I remember the shed was big..he told me he wanted to take some pictures of me...and to make him real happy, to remove my clothes. I never wanted to make daddy unhappy...he was gentle...He took pictures, many in different ways. Several time we made trips out there, or when mother was gone, he would do some in the house...He said I was pretty...I HATE MY PICTURE TO BE TAKEN TO THIS DAY. HAVE NEVER BEEN COMFORTABLE SINCE..HAVE NEVER HAD A PORTRAIT WITH MY HUSBAND TAKEN..."YOU HAD TO DO WHAT YOU DID TO SURVIVE. YOU ARE ALRIGHT NOW..PICTURES NOW ARE NOT IN THAT NATURE..BIG HUG"...

Daddy takes me to a friends house next door..There are many there.They have a pool..no-one has bathing suits on...Daddy tells me to join them, and do what everyone says...He said it would make him very happy if I could wash their peepees for them...That this would make him happy....I loved my daddy, didn't want to make him unhappy. He is so gentle..I though this was normal..Everyone did this...His friends all liked me....I CAN'T HUG YOU YET..YOU CONTINUED THIS EVEN WHEN YOUR DADDY DID NOT ASK YOU TOO..YOU WENT LOOKING FOR HIS FRIENDS WHEN DADDY WAS NOT AROUND. YOU HAD A CHOICE THEN...MAYBE NOT IN THE BEGINNING, BUT YOU DID LATER.

I was out playing in the backyard one day...Our yard and the alleys were all dug up...lots of tunnels everywhere. I was playing in the tunnels and came home..I heard a girl screaming in daddy's room...I hid behind a chair in the living room...It is real quiet now...and daddy comes out of the bedroom holding the little girl in his arms...he takes her into the back yard...I go to the sliding glass window and watch..he places her in the big hole in the yard by the big tree...he puts shovels of dirt in the hole...I didn't understand what he was doing..but got very scared..Daddy looks up on his way back in and sees me at the window....he comes to me very fast and grabs my arms and says not to tell anyone what I just saw..He was so different..I got more scared and started crying..He starts to comfort me..kissing me..calms me down and takes me to his room..he is so gentle..I REMEMBER TELLING SOMEONE ABOUT THIS...SCREAMING ABOUT IT..I CANT REMEMBER WHO, OR IF IT WAS ME SCREAMING INSIDE , INSTEAD OF REALLY TELLING ANYONE..I JUST DON'T KNOW. I DO KNOW IT WAS ALL REAL, AND SHE IS STILL THERE...BIG HUG, YOU DID NOT UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAW, BUT YOU DID SEE A WRONG DONE...

My brother runs away from home...Mother is furious.. she takes the anger out on me..my baths hurt more now...she says I must love my father more now...I hate her...I hate that yardstick....it hurts. I start having different nightmares...my brother left when he was 17..then I am 10...I am running down a hallway, but my feet are not on the ground,but I know I am running..the wall are moving back and forth, as if they are breathing..i remember the details of the wall, black and gray, old looking..someone is behind me, but I can't see there face.There is no end to the hallway, I start to panic then wake up crying...I remember thowing up a lot...going thru a lot of tests...I had an ulcer...I am very young...BIG HUG....LOOKING BACK, HOW COULD A DOCTOR NOT QUESTION A SMALL CHILD HAVING AN ULCER. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

We are moving now...mother is not happy.Mother and daddy are arguing...she says it is his fault we are moving...The rumors are to much for her to bare...I didn't understand ..I DO NOW...My grandma comes to visit...I love my grandma..I get to sleep with her when she is here..I don't get hurt...no nightime baths., or something in my butt...When my grandma left each time, I remember crying so hard...I knew mother will start my baths again..She scrubs me harder...says I am really dirty there since she hasn't cleaned me in awhile...it hurts so bad...I hate her.BIG HUG...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT...SHE IS SICK AND EVIL.

Mother and daddy are fighting more...mother leaves the house many times with a thermos and pills...she makes sure I see them...and tells me if she doesn't return it is all my fault..I didn't make daddy very happy..I cry, but I still hate her....daddy comforts me...tells me every thing will be ok....IT WILL BE OK, BUT NOT THE WAY HE DOES IT...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT ON ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS HERE...NOT YOUR FAULT.!..

I am in the 5th grade now, and talking to other kids about families, I realize something is wrong here...there families weren't like mine...they don't know what I am talking about...I feel embarrassed and very out of place. I am weird...I turn inward..I am hiding..I no longer exist. I start questioning my mother...telling her no-one else gets baths like this...the baths become further and further apart...no more things in my butt..she still takes my temperature in the mornings...I don't cry anymore...It is a way of life...I don't exist...I am not here anymore...BIG HUG...YOUR WALL IS NOW BEGINNING...GO AHEAD AND BUILD IT, IT WILL HELP PROTECT YOU....

We have to move again...We are in Flagstaff...Kachina village....Out in the woods. I am in 7th grade now...I take long walks in the forest...it is safe out here...no-one can hurt me...I scream as loud as I can....no-one will hear...I exist here......YOU ARE OK TO HAVE YOUR SAFE HAVEN....TO COME OUT AND BE YOU, AND ACCEPTED...BUILD YOUR WALL HERE..IT WILL PROTECT YOU...BIG HUG..

School is School. I don't exist...I just do what needs be, and stay withing myself..I am a loner..I hate P.E....have to take showers...Everyone in one...I am embarrassed...I feel they all know...I am dirty........Mother tries to kill herself..the ambulance comes again and takes her away.My father has his way with me...but I find I enjoy the feeling that happens, and I find myself seeking him for the touch....He does not have to start it now, I do. I CANT HUG YOU HERE...YOU HAVE A CHOICE AGAIN.YOU DID NOT HAVE TO INSTIGATE IT YOURSELF..

Father teaches bible study now.. They all love him..I wonder if he loves them. They don't love me..I am dirty...I now know what father does may not be right, but I still go for more..I like the feeling...AGAIN, YOUR CHOICE...CAN'T HUG YOU NOW.

I am in 8th grade, and I run away...I go to my woods, and stay in them for a couple days..I come home, mother slaps me , tells me I am a fuckin bitch.YOU ARE NOT WHAT SHE SAYS...SHE IS THE BITCH..BIG HUG NOW...asked me where I have been, I say around, she says I am a tramp, and everyone knows it . NO! YOU ARE NOT A TRAMP.*HUG*...father comes to me and comforts me..I like the feeling still...but the guilt is hitting hard...should this be happening...I am so confused...I no longer exist...I am not here. I wish I was dead.*BIG HUG*

9th grade.....my daddy still loves me, but not as much....he is not well.....he is in the hospital, massive stroke....I cry...If he dies, no one will love me.YES, SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU..JUST FOR YOU!*HUG*....He gets better and comes home...say he needs my love more... I please him.....I almost lost him.....I am so confused..my brother and his wife move in with us....I want to talk to him so bad, but he is in another world....needs to find a home...needs to get out....While they are living with us my father does not want my love...he is mean and angry alot. Have never seen him this way...It starts to scare me.....

There is a meeting in our house...church members. I am in the shower...I remember coming out of the shower and walking quickly down the hallway to my bedroom...I have a towel around me..Mother is coming up the hallway from her bedroom....She grabs my arm and drags me into the living room.....Everyone looks up...she takes my towel off and tells them I am their tramp child and I need to have prayer...Need to accept god into my life to become clean. SHE IS A SICK AND EVIL PERSON...*BIG HUG*...I am so embarressed..I escape. I am no longer in my body.....I am gone....daddy pushes mother aside and takes me down the hallway to my bedroom. He tells me he is sorry the way she treats me....He lays me on the bed and comforts me....He still loves me....I hate her....we no longer went back to that church....

Mother had a nervous breakdown...She is moved to a hospital in phx....I am alone...my brother has moved out...he does not want to hear what is going on...He has gotten on with his life...I am completely alone*YOU ARE NOT OR EVER ALONE....*HUG*...I no longer exist....I am just getting by....

I write notes to my teachers, please kill me....please shoot me....no=one hears meTHEY HEARD, THEY JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BACK THEN...*BIG HUG*.....I don't exist...They send me to the school counselor...he asks me why I wrote them...I did not know. or did and did not want to speak...I didn't know how...he says it is probably a family matter and dismisses it... I was glad...I am already a freak.YOU ARE NOT A FREAK...JUST ABUSED AND TAUGHT WRONG..*HUG*..

We move again...I lose my forest...my escape....we are in town now..10th grade.. I walk down the hallways, I know every one knows something...I feel weird....I don't make friends, or smile very much now....See no reason...they would leave me anyways. HUG....

I went hitchiking with a girl from school....We hang around together, but I don't let her in....Some guys pick us up and we go to there motel....Debra goes on one bed with one guy, I am on the other...I have never been kissed by anyone in that way....then he touches me...Where my daddy does....It feels the same...I don't understand it...This person does not even know me...how could he love me.BECAUSE YOU WERE TAUGHT WRONG ON LOVE...*HUG*....all of a sudden, like a flood, I think something is wrong, very wrong. What is going on here? I left that room so fast, they don't even know what hit them.....I hitchhike to Winslow....walking the streets, not knowing what to do yet...I went to a phone booth under churchs....No question on who to call....My daddy loved me in the name of God....That this was my calling to the family HIS LOVE WAS AN EVIL LOVE..NOT OF GOD! *BIG HUG*.....I call a church number and tell them I have run away and need help.....He comes and picks me up, with the police......I clam up....How could he do this.. they take me home...my mother slaps me around, I run to my room... ..she leaves the house mad...daddy comes int my room..he says he wants to show me how much he loves me....I curl up in a ball and say NO! YOU ARE NOW REALIZING WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG....*BIG HUG*.....He says i am a worthless piece of trash to treat him that way.YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF TRASH....*BIG HUG*..that of all people why him when he loves me so much.AGAIN, THAT IS NOT LOVE..I feel guilty but I stay curled up....He leaves the room..I start crying, i am so alone now, i hate myself...I leave myself..HUG

The next couple of months my daddy would not talk to me,would not love me or acknowlege me...we are moving again...to Mesa Az.. I am not doing to well..I ditch almost every day....I meet a boy, We run away together to california.....He gets picked up for stealing. I get busted for drug possession...They find out I am only barely 17. They call my parents to come pick me up...Charges dropped since I was a minor, and a runnaway....They pick me up., as soon as we get into phx they pull the car over to the side and tell me to get out...I am a worthless tramp, a slut. YOU ARE NOT!...YOUR AN INNOCENT VICTIM...*BIG HUG*....I am all alone.....All alone...still am now!NOT COMPLETELY NOW..YOU HAVE REACHED OUT ONE MORE TIME, AND SOMEONE HAS FINALLY HEARD..*BIG HUG*

...I am roaming the streets of phx...hitchiking, and no destination.. I sleep with men in exchange for a place to sleep..*THAT IS WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT...HUG...I get picked up one time by this preacher. He saw what shape I was in, took me into his home...I stayed there for about 1 year...In that year, I had told Ken(preacher) about my father...He told me to confront him somehow, and that he would be with me...I said I would do it...I met my father in a parking lot in Phoenix...asked him if this was my imagination, or did all this happen...He said it did..Did not deny it...Told me that was the only way he new to show how much he loved me.. HE'S PLAYING ANOTHER MIND GAME WITH YOU..*BIG HUG* I did not know how to respond to that...He reached over to touch me and I ran from the car fast....

I kept hitchhiking to my sisters house...maybe 3 to 4 times a week...She finally sat me down and asked why I was coming over there all the time...I said, to get to know her..That our 15 year difference in age did not let me get to know her...She had left at age 16..I asked her if father had done things to her when she was at home...She got all nervous and asked me why I had said that...I told her all that went on... She said, yes, that he had done things to her too..That is why she was in the hospital a few years back...She said she could not believe it had gone on still...She called father and asked him over to ask him if what I had told her was true....He did not deny and asked Kay for forgiveness and then got her to accept the Lord in the next breathe. I could not believe what had happened, and I never went back to Kays for a few years after that...

I am 18 and very permiscuous...I am out on the streets again, and in exchange for room and board and drugs I kept the household content sexually...I did just about anything to feel I belonged..to have friends...I felt I had to buy or perform to keep them..I knew no other way...Sex was my ticket for many and anything I wanted...No request was turned down...I lived in a commune of about 13 people in a 3 bedroom house...Took any drug that was offered, no matter how it was ingested, shot up, or snorted... It took me away from here...As soon as I turned 19, I was hired at Motorola...I was high all the time on speed and cocaine...I had my own apartment now...Didn't have to do anything for my room and board but go to work...Occasionally, favors were asked, and I obliged...in exchange for drugs...6 months later I was layed off. I moved back home...I can't remember how that came about...My bedroom in the mobile home had been torn down..I had to sleep on the sofa bed...Father would come in the evenings wanting to love me...I refused....After a few times of refusing, he quit coming to me...

He is a pharmacist working at Chandler Hospital. He gets me a job in the accounting office...Everyone in the hospital there loved him...He was always outgoing and friendly.. Even after all that had happened, I was somehow proud he was my father...I can't understand that today...*BIG HUG*..I now hated him so much, yet still admired him and how everyone loved him....

...He is on the phone with his pastor..They are talking about the next Sunday lesson...He starts to feel a chest pain....He and the pastor pray together on the phone..He hangs up and the pain is worse...He asks me to get him a nitro...I go and get him one...It still hurts,so he lays on the couch and asks me to get one more...mother is starting to panic.. She tells me to call and ambulance..I am not worried , and I don't show any concern...I call the operator, she gives me the sheriff..I flirt with him!. *HUG * Then I tell him why I am calling.. He sends an ambulance...father is looking bad. His color drains from his body....I somehow know this is it...I don't know why but I do...I have no feelings for him at this time..Just hate! The ambulance comes and start to work on him. Mother and I go in the car to the hospital..We are told he is dead...I didn't see his body, neither did mother...She is not sad or remorsefull..I have a grin on my face...I remember that well...My brother comes down. He is concerned I have not cried...I told him everything our father had done to me...All that I could remember at that time..He seems shocked , but yet he doesn't..Mother has the service two months later...I never have understood why so long.

She and I fight constantly...Every time we fight, she leaves the house with a thermos and bottle of pills, and tells me it will be her fault if she does not return...At this point in time, all memory of what she did, is not known to me...I somehow blocked it out...THAT IS OK, SHE WAS MORE "HURTFULL TO YOU''YOU ONLY REMEMBER THE 'GENTLE'...BUT BOTH WERE WRONG.*HUG*

I am still working in the hospital..I move out to chandler....I am still trading sex for friendship...I still hitchhike into Phoenix every weekend...I have a car, but I like flirting with the drivers that pick me up, and try to get them to have sex for favors or extra money.. I enter a cult."satanist" cult...More sex and rituals. drugs. I leave the hospital job and move into Phx. into one of the cult group homes... my sister pays me a visti at my apartment, saying she has something very important to tell me. That another member of our "family" was also a victim...My niece..I lost it right there.

I am now in my own place...Out of the cult, going to a church..and trying to straighten out my life...Or thought I was... Nightmares started..Father was above me, I would open my eyes and his face was right there...Then I would wake up.....By this time, mother had sold the mobile home and gotten an apartment. She was having trouble financially, so my brother built a little apartment to his house and mother moved in there..."Flagstaff"...

My sister said my brother, Bruce, would call almost every other day, complaining of guilt trips, and possessiveness mother was giving him...His life was hell....

...I have a dream my mother is coming at me with a knife...she has already stabbed my brother and sister..I am running fast away from her...I wake up crying..not understanding at that point what the dream was about...Mother invites herself to for Christmas...Her gift to us was a Large butcher knife...I slept with the door locked...Scared to death of her....I don't love her....At this time, I am still not remembering her participation...just that something is not right and not comfortable...

My brother dies in l989..It devestates me.. He Is my best friend now too...We had finally, gotten the brother, sister, realationship we should have had many years ago...My sister and I feel it was the stress of mother and her guilt trips that killed him. I remembered my dream. I am more terrified of her now...Still not remembering her participation, but knowing that I hate her so much...

My brothers funeral was an eye-opener...Around 300 people showed up...I was amazed at how many lives he had affected...He was truly loved.and I found my self enveying him...Wishing I had known him much better...He is still greatly missed in my heart..Always will be......I remember a time we went to see a movie together...a rare time, that is probably why I remember it...We get up to the ticket booth...he all of a sudden plays like he is mentally retarded.. I was so embarressed..We finally get through the theatre doors and start walking down the aisle.. He starts slurring my name..Yelling MARI...Are we there yet?.. And limping really bad....I lost it!..But I loved him so much then. We had a blast that day....

He taught me so much about music... And ways to play the guitar...Never tired of me asking his help on a song..or asking if he would play some songs....Music was so much a part of his life too...I loved flirting with his friends that came over...In my heart today...I know this flirting was little crushes...I can feel that now..I awed him...Had him on a pedistal..probably still do..Just wish I had known him deeper...

I think the only person I felt like family to, was my niece...We were so close in age..It was like we were sisters..I adored her...I would bully her too, I will admit that..but I was always excited knowing she was coming over...We did a lot of things together...of course, when we got older...we drifted apart..but that love has never left...and never will...No matter how many disagreements we had or will have...She is the dearest "family" person in my heart....We have done some crazy things together. Even double dated.. I would never exchange her for another niece....My only regret is what my Father did to her..and she couldn't talk to me...or I couldn't see it happening or going to happen...I can't forgive myself for that...I just feel there must have been a sign...I just didn't see it....

I wish I had had children.... but there was too much damage caused by my parents..that I was unable to concieve...I hate them to this day for that...

My sister and I had some funny times together. We would start laughing so hard sometimes, that we had to run to the bathroom and put some kotex on, in case of an accident.. it was that bad!..We always played games .Even my parents did.. Card games, mind games...anything for all of us to be around the table...I guess the laughter of their children took their guilt away for a while.....But I did enjoy the togetherness with my brother and sister and neice...We did have fun...Smile...just remembering at this moment...had to pause there...*smile*...hmm. ok..

After my brother died...mother kind of started going down- hill..Mentally..She was diagnosed with Alzheimers...I thought it was my sisters responsibility to decide what to do with her..because my sister-in-law was taking on most of the care..Kay and Bob would not budge, so I took the initive and said I would move her in with me...So we moved her from Flagstaff to Tucson in October. I had a guilt trip about taking care of her..but I also hated her at the same time...Still not understanding why.. She lasted here till 3 days before Christmas...All we did was fight and bicker..She did not like me having friends, or a life that did not include her...I told her I was not going to let her kill me like she did my brother...She said..We all have to die sometime...That was it...I called my sister and told her I needed help...For the first time in my entire life..She helped me...Mother was out of here in 2 days..

My sister passed away. December of 94.

Recently, a conversation with my Aunt Betty, my fathers sister, revealed that my Mother added phenobarbital to our milk until the age of 13. To all us kids. To keep us drugged.

My mother died today..November, 1995...The nightmare is over...The dream is gone..The healing continues.....


Update 4/28/02


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